Open Auditions

Dear Current Sabres,

As you know, Chris Drury had a short-lived, but very important tenure as Kate’s Favorite Sabre. I’m sure you are also aware that Drury made a mockery of his title by becoming a loathsome Ranger on July 1st, 2007. There is no doubt that the office of Kate’s Favorite Sabre has suffered a terrible blow to its credibility, but in the interest of healing and cohesiveness, we here at TWC feel it is important to move forward with dignity. In troubling times, Kate looks to her Favorite Sabre for guidance and reassurance, and in the absence of a reigning Favorite Sabre, the entire fandom is in jeopardy.

This season will undoubtedly be a transition year for the office of Kate’s Favorite Sabre. Certainly no player could ever be expected to step in and fill the role of such an influential predecessor; but while Chris Drury’s reign was at times magical, it was also devastating in its ultimate conclusion. The future Favorite Sabre will have heretofore unheard of opportunities to reestablish the integrity of the office, and to shape the tenor of Kate’s future fandom. Kate’s vulnerability to influence has never been higher, which is why it is so important that the right player is chosen to fill this, the most holy of hockey titles.

Kate appeals to you in a time of desperate need. Who amongst you possesses the winning qualities that will usher her out of the Chris Drury era, and into an era of hope, dignity, and passion?

Interested parties should send a resume, a headshot, and a $50 fully refundable check to:

Her Royal Majesty Katebits
5th player, viola section
Kleinhans Music Hall 14201

Thank you in advance for your interest. I am sure you will agree that it is your duty as a Sabre to step forward and offer whatever comfort you can to your most loyal and loving fan, H.R.M. Katebits.

Sincerely,

Tim Laudner (Original Favorite Player)
Chief Officer of Correspondence
Office of H.R.M. Katebits

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10 Responses to “Open Auditions”


  1. 1 elise August 14, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    kate, you are as crazy as me! just to be honest, i’ve had other crushes since nomar, but none as real or fulfilling. he was a true sports husband, not just boyfriend. however, boyfriends, like manny ramirez, are good too. good luck with your search for a fave! triumph!

  2. 2 glenn August 15, 2007 at 12:01 am

    OMG….go to Sabres.com and vote for me shugga! Check out my video! I’m soooooo psyched! PS- I nominate Ryan Miller to the office!

  3. 3 Heather B. August 15, 2007 at 12:53 am

    Kate, I have a good feeling about Soupy. I don’t know why, but there it is. He’s the total opposite of You-Know-Who which might be good for you.

    Glenn, I voted for you just because you’re Kate’s friend. Your video was great too though!

  4. 4 Meg August 15, 2007 at 9:45 am

    I voted too! Thought your video was excellent.

  5. 5 Pookie August 15, 2007 at 10:46 am

    Dear Katebits,

    I know you find me scary, but I assure you the following points are as true as true can be:

    a) I did not set fire to cows. Nor did I ever, at any time, stomp on them. That was Zach. Ask him! He’ll deny it, but that’s only because that turtle of his has trained him well in the way of subterfuge.

    b) The unibrow is fake. Crunchy demands I wear it. He has strict control over all the eyebrows in the dressing room. It’s got something to do with his Secret C, so well all play along.

    c) I don’t actually like death metal. That’s just a hook to get fans thinking I’m cool. Really, I’m a Kronoshead. I follow them all over the world, getting high and air viola-ing along.

    Please find my check and headshot (don’t let Crunchy see the one sans-unibrow, please!) enclosed. I eagerly await your reply.

    Sincerely,
    Drew “Staffy” Stafford, aka The Ice Devouring Sex Tornado, aka Future Sabres Captain

  6. 6 Cousin Mary August 15, 2007 at 3:18 pm

    Kate, here I am reading your hockey blog; I love your writing that much! In service of that writing I offer the following kudos and critique: you write ‘Certainly no player could ever be expected to step in and fill the role of such a influential predecessor; but while Chris Drury’s reign was at times magical, it was also devastating in its ultimate conclusion.’

    Kudos:
    1. Entertaining to read.
    2. Excellent use of the semi-colon.
    3. Correct use of ‘its’ as a possesive. (Yay!)

    Critique: (and I know you know this one)
    1. The article preceding ‘influential’ should be ‘an’ instead of ‘a.’

    Now I’ll have to check out the other blogs mentioned in the comments.

  7. 7 Katebits August 15, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    Staffy, your eagerness to court my favor definitely puts you ahead of the pack! Keep up the good work and I’ll be sporting a “Stafford” jersey in no time.

  8. 8 Pookie August 16, 2007 at 10:48 am

    Keep up the good work and I’ll be sporting a “Stafford” jersey in no time.

    Dear Katebits,
    Bully! I’ll endeavour to celebrate every goal I score by looking into the nearest camera and saying, “Those statbits are for you, Katebits!”
    Sincerely Ready to Be Your Favorite Sabre,
    Staffy

  9. 9 Icing August 19, 2007 at 11:48 am

    Keep up the good work and I’ll be sporting a “Stafford” jersey in no time.

    Katebits, NO! I say that if Staffy fills this position you must then wear a jersey with “Ice Devouring Sex Tornado” on it. (May I suggest a small font?)

  10. 10 Becky August 19, 2007 at 3:38 pm

    Sorry for the late entry – I’ve been busy traveling to others countries for workouts, etc -you know, all the things a single millionaire does.

    I say that I am uniquely qualified to be the hottest of the hot due to my constant practice of the #1 qualification of being hot:

    Standing there in profile, high cheekbones highlighting my face, with my mouth shut. Rarely will I disillusion you with the reality that I have my own mind, thoughts of which you may or may not agree with.

    I let my skating do my talking, and next year I’ll go back to what I do best – assisting those around me, rather than allowing myself to be pushed into the role of goal hog.

    In summary – a person who knows the value of assisting others combined with the “just shut up and look good” quality.

    Sincerely,

    Max


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