(This post is a part of a series entitled “Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition” in which I am choosing my 2007/08 favorite Sabre by process of elimination. Each and every Sabre is a hero, but in the end, there can be only one favorite.)
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I was going over the roster this morning trying to make the next round of cuts, when it occurred to me for the zillionth time since starting this blog, I don’t know what I’m talking about. Nearly all of my hockey knowledge has been gained since the end of the Sabres 2006/07 season. To put this in perspective: Shortly after the Senators eliminated the Sabres, I was looking at pictures from locker clean-out day, and I kept looking at Adam Mair and thinking he was Thomas Vanek. Can you imagine?! A few days ago, I wrote Thomas Vanek an impassioned letter, but two months ago, I wouldn’t have recognized him on the street. So, what this means is that most of my fiercely held beliefs and preferences have been formed in the absence of actual hockey.
Obviously, once the season starts I will be in a better position to form reasonable opinions about these guys. I am starting to look at this not so much a process of choosing a new favorite, but as a record of my thoughts going into the 2007/08 season. I reserve the right to completely abandon my “new favorite” whenever I choose.
In spite of this project’s obvious faults, I’m enjoying myself, so join me as I continue to nonsensically slash my way through the Sabres line-up.
The following men are being cut because they left little impression during the playoffs or the off-season. Now, for all I know, these guys are hockey geniuses, but because they were unable to draw my attention away from Chris Drury, even a little, they are disqualified from being Kate’s Favorite Sabre. I’m a mean, mean bitch.
Nathan Paetsch #38
Nathan Paetsch, I salute you for having an appealingly round face and a pleasant expression. Nice work avoiding arbitration! I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming season. For future reference, if you want to impress me, try cooking a delicious dinner or offering to carry my viola to the car after rehearsal. Little gestures go along way.
Daniel Paille #20
Daniel Paille’s approach to hair care tells me one of 3 things:
a. He is one of those serious types who is too focused on “real” things to bother straightening his hair on team picture day.
b. He is light hearted and fun, and his hair reflects his carefree approach to life.
c. He is twelve-years old and he wears his hair in a currently popular style that perplexes this old-lady-author.
I suspect the answer is “c”, which leaves me with nothing to work with except the very firm knowledge that Daniel Paille is young. Too young.
Jochen Hecht #55
Okay, I know this one is wrong. Yo-Yo here is the first guy I feel bad about cutting. He’s cute, he’s sassy, and he has been playing in the shadow of Briere. The trouble with Jochen is that I don’t have a feel for his personality. What are you bringing to my Sabres table, Jochen? Are you shy? Hilarious? Sarcastic? Yes, yes, they tell me you are a solid all-around player, but really….what are you all about? What is your deal, Jochen Hecht? You’ve got everything it takes to be a Favorite Sabre; I’m just not convinced you really want it.
So, there you have it! Round two is complete. My choices are definitely narrowing, and I’m a bit concerned about the choices I see ahead. I predict tears (on my part). I predict fisticuffs (on Goose and Staffy’s parts). Time is running out boys. It’s now or never. State your case.
I am shocked and appalled that Yo-Yo only made it to the second round. He is Buffalo’s Jay Pandolfo. (In as much as Buffalo could ever have a Pando, but you know what I mean…) He’s stolid. He’s hard-working. He’s not a glory-hound. He has a cute accent. And he, unlike, Pando, is really, legitimately good-looking, instead of just good-looking from certain angles. But that’s fine. Yo-Yo’s too subtle for you. I can dig it. And keep him to myself.
Listen, I qualified my choice in the very first sentence:
Okay, I know this one is wrong.
I have no doubt that once the season starts one of these guys cut from the early rounds will wind up capturing my heart, but this is not the time for subtlety. I have GOOSE and STAFFY ahead of me. If Jochen wants to be KFS, he is going to have to work for it, just like everybody else. Frankly, I just don’t see him trying very hard, and his lackluster enthusiasm cost him dearly.
“I’m just not convinced you really want it.”
Ha! Poor Jochen, he just couldn’t pull through.
Thanks for stopping in, andrew! Adam Mair is holding up very well so far. He is in no danger of being cut anytime soon.
Anytime Kate! I have been keeping up on all of your posts. Excellent stuff, no doubt.
Of course Mair is still in the running! He was my pick from the start. Speaking of, we should set up a pool….Crunchy’s going out at 6 to 1!
Two of my top favorites are eliminated in the early going! Patches doesn’t surprise me. Seriously, don’t ask me why I love Nathan so much, I just do, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I hear things like he let Lindy strap parachutes to his back so that he could improve his leg strength, and that he asked Zdeno Chara to sign the dent in his helmet after taking one of his slap shots to the head, and I just can’t resist him, no matter how much of a defensive mess he can be. Plus I think he’s really cute. That round face sure is appealing.
I’m trying to muster up some outrage on Yo-Yo’s behalf, here, but I just can’t do it. I think it’s because I picture him as the kind of guy who is perfectly content with being a sidekick, so he would probably fully support his own early elimination. Poor guy, but that’s why I love him. Plus I expect you’ll warm up to him as soon as the season starts. Especially if interviews are involved, because I’m convinced his accent is what buckets of puppies and kittens are made of, that’s how cute it is.
I’m glad to hear Mair is still very much in it, though.
I’m glad to see you are not too angry with my cuts today, Gambler. I was worried about how you would take it. :)
I have GOOSE and STAFFY ahead of me. If Jochen wants to be KFS, he is going to have to work for it, just like everybody else.
Okay, Goose is hot and he beats people up. I can dig it. But Staffy? Over JOCHEN? Oh, Kate, that is wrong on so many levels. But the beauty of this kind of thing is seeing how differently different people feel about different guys. (On a sidenote, Mark was walking on the treadmill behind me when I pulled this page up and he said, “She made more cuts! She cut DANNY PAILLE?!” So you have us all on the edge of our seats here!)
I’m inclined to agree with Gambler though. Jochen’s probably relieved to be cut.
Okay, I’ve actually read the entry now – yes, I made my last comment based only on seeing Jochen’s name in the title and that you cut him because of STAFFY.
The trouble with Jochen is that I don’t have a feel for his personality.
I see Jochen as that guy who stares at his feet the entire time he’s asking you out because he’s just so nervous and shy. He probably even draws circles in the dirt with the toe of his sneaker while he’s talking.
He’s also, as Gambler said, totally okay being the sidekick. He doesn’t mind being overshadowed by guys like Briere and he doesn’t mind doing the dirty work i.e. back-checking while his buddy soaks up the glory.
Oh, I forgot! I actually came here to tell you that if you’re around, tonight’s Game to Remember is the non-captain game, I think.
Heather, now you’ve gone and filled me with genuine doubt. I like that circley-footed, asking-out move of Yo-Yo’s. Well, if it’s meant to be, he will forgive me for this early lapse in judgment.
But Staffy? Over JOCHEN? Oh, Kate, that is wrong on so many levels.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? (And I’m not even the StaffyLove person here… Just imagine how I’m going to react when Crunchy doesn’t win.)
Heather, Staffy isn’t really my cup of stomp, but I can understand why Katebits might prioritize him over Yo-Yo. One’s an Ice Devouring Tornado of Sex while the other’s a Toe Circling Tornado of Shy. It’s apples and oranges.
Gambler, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this summer, it’s that apples and oranges can be compared ad infinitum. There is a right answer and a wrong answer, regardless of what’s being compared! :P (And in this case, the right answer is: Staffy. Although I do really love Yo-Yo. But Staffy is friends with Zach, and more hottttly, Jordy Parise.)
Dear Katebits and Fellow TWCers,
I have what it takes to be KFS, I assure you. I can draw circles in the dirt with my toes (don’t stomp… don’t stomp… come on, Staffy, you can do this….)! I can be shy (don’t let mention the video of the leopard print skin-tight pants…)! I can have a cute accent (actually, I think I do have a cute accent; the girls love a good Milwaukee/Canadian/Minnesotan drawl)!
Eagerly awaiting further Staffyless cuts, and glad to still be the front-runner in the race for MFS (Mark’s Favorite Sabre),
Your Stompiness and Parise BFF,
Drew “Staffy” Stafford
I need to make a small change on the last line in my resume (the transcriber had a brain glitch); it should have read that I know how to “Stand there and look good”, not “shut up and look good”…same difference, but one sounds more dignified…well, as dignified as a man with boyish enthusiasm gets! :) <<<< (nice smile too)
Max
Dearest Katebits,
Let is be know that I can both stand there, shut up AND look good — all at once! Don’t let Max distract you! Anyway, that isn’t Max, that’s Faye Dunaway! See, I’ll pull off her mask and prove it!
Sincerely,
Staffy “Staffy” Stafford
Max and Staffy are acting far too desperate for my tastes, Kate. Hank would never behave in such a manner. And when are you cutting Hank anyway? He’s not really that good-looking you know. And he’s such a klutz on those skates… Whew boy!
Hee. You guys are hilarious!
Hee. You guys are hilarious!
Thank you. But don’t think I didn’t notice you avoided the question, young lady.
This is so exciting! I can’t wait for the next round of cuts!
Staffy–
We’ve been trying to blow the lid off that Faye Dunaway doppelganger case for months, and you think you can just waltz right in here and steal our thunder?! Look, stick to your cow-stomping bad-ass rocking, kid, detectiving is our hobby! Mess with us again and I swear you’ll never be a KFS in this town as long as we live.
Dead serious,
Crunchy and Pommerdoodle Detective Agency
PS That’s not a mask, dumbass, that’s her face. See? This is why we get paid the big bucks.
Wow! Those are some POWERFUL words from Crunchy and Pommerdoodle! Geez, I really didn’t anticipate this level of fervent interest in the position. I’m starting to get a little scared that the team will be torn apart fighting for my affection.
(go look up Faye Dunaway on internet; decide that with a weight loss of 40 pounds and heavy-duty plastic surgery we could pass as wide-age-difference sisters; decide never looking too closely or full-length in the mirror is easier)
Wow — it seems Crunchy and Pommerdoodle got burned a few too many times by Haines and Kibblehouse, so now they’re doing some tough-guy enforcing. Did they hire a henchman? And did the henchman get control one day of the word processor and firm’s letterhead? I had no idea they were so aggressive!
Becky — I’m not sure that looking like Max Afinogenov is something to be ashamed of. I mean, he can really skate… :P
Crunchy
c/o Crunchy & Poomerdoodle Detective Agency
30 Recumbant Bike Way
Buffalo, NY 55555
Crunchy STOP Not afraid STOP Have stomped lesser men than you STOP We’ll see who’s captain first STOP STOMP STOP
Signed Stompingly Drew STOP Staffy STOP Stafford
Staffy
c/o Stafford Stomping Inc. dba Red Seal Peach
12 Metal God Way
Rochester, NY 55551
Up stick asswards STOP
Crunchy STOP
Up stick asswards STOP
Crunchy STOP
Crunchy
c/o Secret C Society
123 Fake St.
Buffalo, NY 55552
Oh, big excitment sending telegraphs on small telegraph machine. Where do you think you’re going, eh? Back to Kilamanjaro? Well believe me, Hemingway, I am last person coming to stomp on you!
STOP
Staffychenko STOP
Staffy
c/o Unibrows ‘R’ Us
73193 Parise Suck-Up Lane
Rochester, NY 55553
DEATH GLARE
STOP
Crunchy STOP
Crunchy
c/o Gives Up Goals in the Final Seconds of a SO Bid Club For Losers
923,329 1/2 Monocle Blvd.
Buffalo, NY 55554
Glare forwarded to Buffalo address from Rochester STOP Thanks STOP Hey, you look surprised! STOP
Staffy STOP
Staffy
c/o The Association Of People Who Don’t Like Sauces Or Coatings On Their Food
16 Cart Before Horse Ave.
Rochester, NY 55556
Getting ahead of yourself, much? STOP Did you have fun at Rookie Camp? STOP Hope forwarding address is at Homewood Suites STOP
Crunchy STOP
you gals are hilarious, i’m getting dirty looks for LOL’ing @ work!!!
Crunchy
c/o Hipster Baron Financial Club
1 Big Meanie Rd.
East Lansing, MI 11110
As a matter of fact did have fun at Rookie Camp STOP Made god’s eyes out of yarn and popsicle sticks STOP Also, won Capture the Flag STOP You should have been there STOP Oh right STOP You don’t believe in fun STOP Please do foward to Homewood Suites STOP They will filter out nasty messages and send all the rest to my house at 9 Superstar Circle, Badass Mountain STOP
Staffy STOP
P STOP S STOP Those jeans make you look fat STOP Lay off the ice cream STOP
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
*gaaaaa-ssp*
HAHAHAHAHA!
HA!
I can’t believe I’ve missed all this telegram excitement! I’m currently attempting to recap the Game to Remember. It’s really fucking hard!
Staffy
c/o Shattuck Alumni Association For The Academically Weak-Minded
8 Richie-Rich Enclave
Entitledville, MN 44444
Life isn’t just about driving around having fun STOP You wouldn’t understand STOP By the way, thanks for working in my Hipster Emporium sweatshop STOP Those god’s eyes sell for $99 a pop to MSU students who want to ironically adorn their dorm rooms STOP Rookie Camp is just my way of getting you losers to serve as my cheap labor STOP Speaking of losers, ever wonder why you have to live at Superstar Circle, only halfway up Badass Mountain? STOP It’s because I live in the Golden Rotunda at the peak STOP Hope you enjoy my giant mansion blocking out all your sunlight STOP
Crunchy STOP
P STOP S STOP I’ll have you know I’ve lost 30 pounds of muscle this offseason STOP Bitter resentment is a great diet aid STOP My skinny jeans have never fit better STOP
I’m currently attempting to recap the Game to Remember. It’s really fucking hard!
It is! It’s both a science and an art. I tip my hat to anyone who can game diarize alone.
I’m currently attempting to recap the Game to Remember. It’s really fucking hard!
That’s why I have Schnookie write them. I’m her eyes and ears, alerting her to stuff to write down, but she does the heavy lifting. I’m just riding her coattails!
Crunchy
c/o My Baby Brother’s Won More Than Me Institute
PO Box 1
Electric Oboetown, NY 55556-0001
How little you know of cunning stompers STOP my god’s eyes were peices of crap that will fall apart 2 weeks into the MSU semester STOP Bwa STOP ha STOP ha STOP ha STOP ! STOP
This correspondence now must cease STOP
Staffy STOP
Staffy
c/o The Brotherhood Of Guys Who Couldn’t Crack The Lineup Even When They’re Team Was Sucking In The Playoffs
82 Spandex Dr
Chinless, NY 55557
How little you know of the quality of product at the Hipster Emporium STOP Something that lasts 2 weeks into the semester is of unusually good craftsmanship comparatively STOP By the way, how much do you enjoy cuddling up to your Hobey Baker trophy at night? STOP Oh wait, that’s right STOP YOU DIDN’T WIN ONE STOP
Ceasing STOP
Crunchy STOP
Crunchy
c/o Must Not Have Realized Coach Didn’t Field Best Line-Up Possible And Thus Lost
62 Can’t Find the Go-To Guy Way
Buffalo, NY 55510
Can’t talk STOP Cradling World Junior Gold Medal STOP Boxworthy informs me Hobey Bakers are for losers STOP
That doesn’t look like real ceasing to me STOP
Staffy STOP
Hahahaha! Ookies, this correspondence is hilarious! That sure is some rivalry. I was about to say “c/o Gives Up Goals in the Final Seconds of a SO Bid Club For Losers” was unnecessarily harsh, but then “c/o The Brotherhood Of Guys Who Couldn’t Crack The Lineup Even When They’re Team Was Sucking In The Playoffs” was equally zingy, so I think everything’s even. (By the way, Pommerdoodle wants everyone to know that he had nothing to do with that first message. Those mean, mean words were all Crunchy’s. As evidence of his innocence, he presents his total illiteracy and the fact that paws ain’t no good for typing.)
Kate, I sympathize. Game diarizing is hard, but I’m sure the end result will be brilliant and totally worth it. Can’t wait to read it!
Gambler, I’m glad you think that came out evenly. Pookie and I were IMing while doing this (and by “doing this” I mean “transcribing the actual telegrams exchanged between Crunchy and Staffy”), and we both kept declaring the other one the winner. (I still think she — I mean, Staffy won.) A declaration of a draw is a good way to keep the peace between us!
I agree. It’s a draw. Until next time…
You two are hi-LAR-ious! I feel so lucky that this exchange was on MY blog!