(This post is a part of a series entitled “Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition” in which I am choosing my 2007/08 favorite Sabre by process of elimination. Each and every Sabre is a hero, but in the end, there can be only one favorite.)
At this stage in the competition it is getting considerably harder to write funny posts about the remaining Sabres. I really like everyone left, and I don’t particularly want to make fun of them! The only avenue of escape I can see is self-deprecation. So let’s begin…….
Paul Gaustad #28
You and I could be so great together. You were born in Fargo, and I spent half of my childhood driving back and forth between the Twin Cities and Fargo to visit my Grandmother. You were raised in Portland, OR which is one of my very favorite places in the country. (I visit Portland at least once a year to see my best friend and my sister who both live there.) You love to read. Goose, I love to read too. In interviews you seem bright and articulate, and not just bright and articulate for an athlete, but bright and articulate for a human being! What fun we could have with the witty banter! I bet you know what a viola is, and I’m sure you’d enjoy watching Arrested Development. You’re tall. I’m tall. You’re affable and well liked, and I…..like likeable people.
There is one reason, and one reason only that you and I cannot be together:
You are far, far too good looking for me.
No, no, please don’t argue…..hush. You know it’s true, Goose.
If you were to become Kate’s Favorite Sabre, I would be accused of choosing you because of your dashing good looks. (Goose, you are far and away the best looking Sabre; this much is beyond discussion.) A relationship between a fan and a Favorite Sabre cannot exist on Reading PSAs and the Fargo-connection alone. There are also jerseys to consider. I just don’t think I can pull off a Gaustad jersey. I’m not sure that “Gaustad (I love him for all the right reasons, not just because he’s hot as hell.) 28” would fit on the back of a jersey, and even if it did, it would be cost prohibitive. No, the sad truth is, a Gaustad jersey at this stage might as well say, “Gaustad (I like him because he’s hot.) 28”
This can be a very good year for us. You are healthy, and the team will ask much more of you this season. Hopefully your tendon will hold up, and you will get to play a lot more minutes as part of an established line. The terrible reign of the Lauded Drury Work Ethic is officially over, and this is an area where you can naturally step in as a leader. You are known as a hard worker and a physical player. Just for good measure, let’s see if you can’t get into a few good fights and messy up those pretty features.
In the meantime, I’ll increase my overall appeal by becoming a better hockey viewer. (Everyone knows that a woman’s sex appeal is directly related to her level of hockey knowledge. Duh.) I’ll do my best to learn all I can about hockey. I’ll keep a watchful eye on you so that I can learn the finer points of your game. I’ll work on my self confidence as a fan, so that next year, if while I’m wearing a Gaustad jersey someone says to me, “You just like him because he’s hot”, I can reply with righteous indignation, “No, I like him because of his high levels of BADASSERY…….the hotness is just a bonus.”
Honking For You,
Teppo Numminen #27
I refuse to cut Teppo Numminen.
Teppo transcends this competition in every way.
I’m not cutting Teppo. I’m just leaving this picture for you to enjoy.
Before I sign off on this, the second to last stage of Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition, I would just like to say how much I have enjoyed writing these little Sabre profiles. I know it’s been silly in here, but I feel like I have a much better handle on the team heading into the season. Oh sure, my profiles are utter inanity, but so is the off-season. The hockey off-season is crazy-making. It’s not my fault.
Don’t forget, I have no intention of sticking to my decision in this competition. This has been nothing but a juvenile, hollow exercise in futility……but please, stay tuned for the EXCITING CONCLUSION!