Captain October

It looks like the Sabres have decided on a monthly rotating captaincy starting with German cutie-pie (and near KFS), Jochen Hecht. I am in full support of the rotating captaincy, mostly because I think there isn’t a clear captain right now. It makes me sad when guys lose their captaincy, so rather than hand the reigns over to the wrong guy for the year, I’d rather they took their time and wait for the best captain to reveal himself. In the wake of all the ruckus surrounding the departures of the last captains, the entire role needs a makeover before the next “C” is handed out for any real length of time. I think the process of sniffing out the new captain could be very enjoyable to witness as it promotes healthy competition and rewards for good behavior. Plus, none of this really matters because everyone knows that in the Sabres lockerroom, Ryan Miller is the boss of you.

————

In a press conference this morning, Lindy Ruff revealed that the first captain, Jochen Hecht, was chosen by the team in a secret ballot vote. It has not been widely reported in the press, but the individual Sabres have been engaged in active campaigns to promote themselves for the job of Captain for the duration of the preseason. An unnamed informant has given TWC special access to the campaign materials of the top candidates. The information obtained by The Willful Caboose is a shocking and revealing glimpse of the emotional make-up of the 2007-08 Sabres.

Of all the Sabres, Derek Roy campaigned the hardest with his teammates. His campaign slogan was, “A Vote for Roy is a Vote for Joy”, which was widely considered a blunder as the slogan did not test well in polls with males ages 18-35. However, Derek’s popularity in the locker room took a dramatic turn for the better following his extraordinary preseason play. Poised to ascend to the captaincy, Roy made a critical error in the final hours of his campaign when he scorned Nickelback in favor of Avril Lavigne on his morning to chose the music for the workout room. The controversy effectively ended Roy’s bid for the October captaincy, but he should be considered a strong candidate in future months. Of all the Sabres, Roy has displayed the most dedication to becoming a strong leader.

Jason Pominville entered the election on a dare from Ryan Miller. He campaigned on a platform to bring better vending machines into the player’s lounge, and to organize a Sabres vs. Bills charity capture-the-flag tournament.

Drew Stafford promised that if elected, he would put an end to the recent rash of animal vivisection plaguing the Sabres locker room. Unfortunately for his campaign, his promise was perceived by many as a veiled threat.

Henrik Tallinder vowed to provide the team with “more hookers and blow” if elected captain.

Brian Campbell declared that he would use his influence as team captain to further raise awareness for sweating, and sweat related issues. His candidacy took a major hit when Andrew Peters (on behalf of the Roy campaign) began running attack ads questioning Campbell’s true dedication to the cause. “Soupy benefits from sweat, while the innocent victims of WNY suffer.”

Jochen Hecht, ultimately the victor, ran a very simple campaign. He sent the following email to his teammates:

Subject: Slag-faced Whores
From: imnotjochen@sabres.hky
Sent: 7/01/07, 6:30pm
To: Sabres Teammates

Dru and Danny are whores. When i see them, I will spear them.

-yoyo

————————

As you can see, the search for the next captain has already been embroiled in controversy and intrigue. Stay tuned to The Willful Caboose for full coverage of this exciting, unfolding story.

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9 Responses to “Captain October”


  1. 1 andrew October 2, 2007 at 6:55 pm

    “Henrik Tallinder vowed to provide the team with “more hookers and blow” if elected captain.”

    Hank’s got the mark of a good leader. Plus, I bet he’s still got a few hookers back in Stockholm on speed dial.

    “From: imnotjochen@sabres.hky

    HA! imnotjochen! HA!

  2. 2 Katebits October 2, 2007 at 7:04 pm

    If there is one thing Hank has learned from the IPB SuperLeague, it’s that “hookers and blow” are a powerful motivator.

  3. 3 Schnookie October 2, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    First off, as a fan of a team that is now captain-less thanks to the wrong guy getting the C last year, I whole-heartedly approve of the rotating C. We’re now forced to wait until Langer comes back (in, like, December) before Sutter’s going to settle on one captain, and this is all because Patty Elias didn’t get a trial period with the C. Sure, he proved himself to be the team leader during a captainless season, but then he buckled under the weight of that added letter. Lindy Ruff is a wise, wise man to tackle it this way — I speak from bitter experience.

    Second, this is such a marvelous goldmine of information! Behind closed doors these guys really do act like a bunch of sixth grade girls, don’t they? (I can’t believe the anti-vivisection platform didn’t win. What, do they like the vivisecting??)

  4. 4 Pookie October 2, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    Poor Staffy’s crying into his boxes of “stomp the stomping” campaign buttons!

  5. 5 Heather B. October 3, 2007 at 12:53 am

    I love a good play on Jochen’s name. Our favorite is, “You must be Jochen!”

    I’m not sure I like these Tallinder related sex jokes however.

    I’m wishy-washy on the whole rotating C, but if the team thinks it’s the best way who am I to say otherwise? And if it is going to stoke some good-heard “the team is better when I’m captain” competition then that can only be a good thing.

    Did you watch the video of Jochen on the website? When one of the reporters asks him about his personality behind closed doors he lets out one of those adorable, coy little half smiles. Oh, Yo-Yo!

  6. 6 Gambler October 3, 2007 at 1:30 am

    So Lindy was totally not jochen about giving Yo-Yo the C, huh? Way to go, Yo-Yo!

    Ha, and I’m totally emailing him at that address right now to congratulate him.

  7. 7 ccomfort October 3, 2007 at 8:09 am

    “A vote for Roy is a vote for Joy”

    That is such a great line!!!

    I don’t get how they passed on that one!!!

  8. 8 andrew October 3, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    “I’m not sure I like these Tallinder related sex jokes however.”

    Aww, c’mon Heather, he was totally acquitted! It’s okay to laugh about it now!

  9. 9 Icing October 3, 2007 at 5:17 pm

    Poor Staffy’s crying into his boxes

    When I first read that I thought it said “boxers”… {imaginations run wild}


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