Let Them Eat Cake, Crunchy!

“I’ll just worry about my plate, what I’m eating, and not what everyone else is having. It’s definitely helping me out.”

- Ryan Miller, discussing his decision to stop trying to lead the Sabres in the locker room.

***********

Good Lord! No wonder they were losing so many games earlier in the season! With Crunchy attempting to control what everyone else was eating, the entire team was starving.

Listen, Crunchy. You may be able to survive happily on yogurt-covered raisins, steamed broccoli, and non-fat/sugar-free granola bars, but the rest of the team needs to eat food. No wonder Thomas Vanek was so listless out there! He barely had the strength to hold his stick, much less score goals. No wonder Pommer’s coat was getting so brittle; he was clearly not getting enough protein.

I’m so glad Crunchy came to his senses before the Sabres completely wasted away. That rosy glow we’ve been seeing on their cheeks is more than just the happy flush of victory, it’s also a sign that the players are being properly nourished again. Now that Toni Lydman can eat all the raw steak he wants, I expect his play to improve dramatically.

From now on, Crunchy is just going to worry about his own skinny jeans.

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10 Responses to “Let Them Eat Cake, Crunchy!”


  1. 1 Amy November 25, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    Aha! Crunchy’s diet restrictions are indirectly to blame for the team’s injuries lately. There’s a lack of calcium in the diet, leading to weak bones and snapping ligaments.

  2. 2 kristin November 25, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    This explains a lot…

  3. 3 Heather B. November 25, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    Poor Hank! If Crunchy had only made this decision a few days earlier, he might have been fully nourished last night!

    And isn’t it delightful when Crunchy plays right into our imagined scenarios? He probably was making rude comments about Goose’s extra scoop of ice-cream.

  4. 4 Katebits November 25, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    And isn’t it delightful when Crunchy plays right into our imagined scenarios?

    He makes it so, so easy.

    (For the record, pretty much all of the jokes in this post originated over at IPB. They were joking about Crunchy’s skinny jeans and his yogurt covered raisins long before I came along.)

  5. 5 Gambler November 25, 2007 at 3:18 pm

    I guess now we know why Staffy’s been down and out lately, too. He hasn’t eaten any brains in months! He can’t live like that!

  6. 6 Katebits November 25, 2007 at 6:36 pm

    Staffy needs to eat brains at least twice a month.

  7. 7 Schnookie November 25, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    I guess now we know why Staffy’s been down and out lately, too. He hasn’t eaten any brains in months! He can’t live like that!

    :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    Oh, and Crunchy added that while he’s letting up on worrying about what’s on everyone else’s plates, he’s still closely monitoring their bowls, so he’s DEFINITELY still giving Goose all kinds of shit for the ice cream.

  8. 8 Pookie November 25, 2007 at 6:56 pm

    Poor, poor Staffy. He was finally able to eat brains again and he got so excited he hurt his shoulder. That would not have happened if Crunchy had been letting him eat brains all along.

    (I can’t believe I’d forgotten about the Staffy-Zombie thing!)

  9. 9 alix November 25, 2007 at 7:38 pm

    Staffy is the best brain eating rock star hockey player he can be. This is hilarious, Katebits! It all makes sense now.

  10. 10 Amy November 26, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    Oh, and Crunchy added that while he’s letting up on worrying about what’s on everyone else’s plates, he’s still closely monitoring their bowls, so he’s DEFINITELY still giving Goose all kinds of shit for the ice cream.

    Which led to an injury on Crunchy’s catching hand, as he tried to remove Goose’s ice cream, leading to an angry couple of pecks from an irate Goose.


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