Dear Thomas Vanek,
I have written to you about this before, but I’m becoming increasingly preoccupied with the idea that you need to give away a large chunk of money. Why haven’t you done this yet? You don’t have to give away all your money. I’m not suggesting you become a communist or anything; I think that you can give away a LOT of money and still remain stupid rich.
Here’s what you do:
1. Pick a charity that is meaningful to you. (I think you should choose an organization that specifically serves WNY, but it’s certainly not necessary.)
2. Write that charity a check for one million dollars. Just do it, Thomas. Trust me.
3. Feel proud for having accomplished something pretty awesome. Not many people get the opportunity to give money away in quantities that can really make a difference in a lot of lives. I bet it feels pretty darn good to make a difference. I would love to make a difference in the world, but all I have to offer is the “gift” of viola music. The viola makes a pretty sound, but you can’t eat it, or use it to cure illnesses or anything. You however, Thomas, have money. Lots of money. Money can feed the hungry, and cure the sick.
4. Bask in the good publicity. People around here want to like you, Thomas. We really do. This would help. Right now, every time you miss in the shootout, I scream “You’re a slag-faced WHORE!” at the television. If you started giving vast amounts of money away to good causes I would downgrade that insult to, “You SUCK at hockey……but you’re an awfully nice fella!”
5. Put the contract in proper perspective. If you give away a ton of money, the contract becomes something undeniably good, and not just a source of pressure. Think about it. If you find a way to use your wealth to really help people, then the contract is justified, and it will always have merit. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? Even if you never score another goal, the world can still be a better place because of how you spend your money.
6. Play hockey with more freedom and joy. I think that with the feeling of accomplishment, combined with the extra support from the community, and a little bit of perspective, you might feel less stressed out on the ice. Hockey can be fun again. Soon you’ll be zipping around the ice, blissed out and fancy free.
7. Start winning. Remember when you were winning? Don’t you miss that?
8. Keep winning.
9. Lead the Sabres to a Stanley Cup victory. (It doesn’t have to be this year. You’ve got plenty of time.)
10. Send Katebits a letter, thanking her for her great suggestion. (Include a check [or money order] for $50,000.)
See! It’s such a good plan. I’m not going to let up on this, Thomas. I’m willing to run my blog into the ground by writing post after post about why you need to give your money away. Don’t make me ruin my blog, Thomas.
You need to unburden yourself ASAfuckingP.