Dear Thomas Vanek,
I have written to you about this before, but I’m becoming increasingly preoccupied with the idea that you need to give away a large chunk of money. Why haven’t you done this yet? You don’t have to give away all your money. I’m not suggesting you become a communist or anything; I think that you can give away a LOT of money and still remain stupid rich.
Here’s what you do:
1. Pick a charity that is meaningful to you. (I think you should choose an organization that specifically serves WNY, but it’s certainly not necessary.)
2. Write that charity a check for one million dollars. Just do it, Thomas. Trust me.
3. Feel proud for having accomplished something pretty awesome. Not many people get the opportunity to give money away in quantities that can really make a difference in a lot of lives. I bet it feels pretty darn good to make a difference. I would love to make a difference in the world, but all I have to offer is the “gift” of viola music. The viola makes a pretty sound, but you can’t eat it, or use it to cure illnesses or anything. You however, Thomas, have money. Lots of money. Money can feed the hungry, and cure the sick.
4. Bask in the good publicity. People around here want to like you, Thomas. We really do. This would help. Right now, every time you miss in the shootout, I scream “You’re a slag-faced WHORE!” at the television. If you started giving vast amounts of money away to good causes I would downgrade that insult to, “You SUCK at hockey……but you’re an awfully nice fella!”
5. Put the contract in proper perspective. If you give away a ton of money, the contract becomes something undeniably good, and not just a source of pressure. Think about it. If you find a way to use your wealth to really help people, then the contract is justified, and it will always have merit. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? Even if you never score another goal, the world can still be a better place because of how you spend your money.
6. Play hockey with more freedom and joy. I think that with the feeling of accomplishment, combined with the extra support from the community, and a little bit of perspective, you might feel less stressed out on the ice. Hockey can be fun again. Soon you’ll be zipping around the ice, blissed out and fancy free.
7. Start winning. Remember when you were winning? Don’t you miss that?
8. Keep winning.
9. Lead the Sabres to a Stanley Cup victory. (It doesn’t have to be this year. You’ve got plenty of time.)
10. Send Katebits a letter, thanking her for her great suggestion. (Include a check [or money order] for $50,000.)
See! It’s such a good plan. I’m not going to let up on this, Thomas. I’m willing to run my blog into the ground by writing post after post about why you need to give your money away. Don’t make me ruin my blog, Thomas.
You need to unburden yourself ASAfuckingP.
Sincerely,
Katebits
You know, Yashin tried this and then posed with the Ottawa Symphony to advertise his “generous” move. (He didn’t actually give them any money and it turned into a big tax break fraud.) So Vanek could do it and pose with the BPO! And bring along some friends… Does this only make you want this to happen that much more?
(It doesn’t have to be this year. You’ve got plenty of time.)
What?! No! Vanek has to earn his contract and he has to do it RIGHT NOW! If he doesn’t somehow finish with 50 goals and a Conn Smythe trophy THIS SEASON, he’s a failure! He’s screwed! The Sabres are screwed! The good people of Buffalo are screwed!
(Seriously, could you write an open letter to Buffalo reminding them that Van is not washed up at 23?)
I have just thought of a very deserving charity: me. And I plan to visit WNY occasionally, so it would very much be serving the local community for Vanek to make a contribution to me, because when I come to town I stay in a hotel, and eat in restaurants, and pay tolls and shit, and otherwise provide all those great tourist dollars. Can you add this suggestion to your future posts on this topic?
So Vanek could do it and pose with the BPO! And bring along some friends… Does this only make you want this to happen that much more?
I didn’t want to say anything, but there is a certain Buffalo musical group that is currently in the middle of an endowment campaign…..
Heather, sometimes a actually forget what a little baby he is. Poor, stupid kid.
Actually, not blowing people away in your chosen sport but being a really nice guy can only get you so far – see JP Losman.
Kate, he can also feel free to send a few bucks my way if it helps his game!
Perhaps, the Save Soupy fund?
this is possibly the best thing i have ever read on the internet. my friend came across this, the other day while we were discussing vanek and how much money he makes for doing nothing..and she was curious as to whether or not he gave any of his many millions to charity so she decided to google it…and this is what she came up with. not only were we dying while reading..but then spent countless hours going through and reading as many pages as possible because it was too funny to stop. you are HILARIOUS..please..keep it coming!!!! (and may i suggest something on tim connolly being a HUGE baby and getting hurt every 5 seconds!)
Aww, Lauren. I’m all sick and pathetic today, and your comment really made my evening. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I agree, a post about Tim Connolly is loooong overdue.