I recently received a very exciting email. Kevin, the New Media Director from Dave and Adam’s Card World contacted me to inquire about putting up an ad on The Willful Caboose. At first I airily informed him that due to my X-treme integrity, I do not have ads on TWC, but then Versus started waving magnetic playoff trackers around, and the next thing I knew, I did have ads on TWC. It turns out that whoring out my beloved website is a slippery slope, because soon, I was agreeing to advertise for Dave and Adam.
In my defense, Dave and Adam’s Card World is undeniably fabulous. They’re a local shop with a good sense of humor, and they are, of course, the geniuses behind this ad:
Once I took a second to think things through, I realized that advertising for D & A is a no brainer. Dave and Adam are way cooler than me, and frankly, it’s hilarious that they would think there is some benefit to be gained from advertising on this site. I realized that in order to take full advantage of their mistake, I should quickly negotiate a long term contract, locking them into a serious commitment before they realize that this website is utter hogwash and unworthy of their esteemed advertising dollars.
The following is a transcript of my negotiations:
Katebits: So, Kevin. I’m ready to deal. While it’s an incredible compromise of my morals and values, I am now willing to put up an ad for Dave and Buster’s on my website.
Kevin: Um, it’s Dave and Adam’s.
Katebits: (narrowing eyes) Yes, that’s what I said, “Dave and Adam’s”. Listen, don’t try to confuse me. I wasn’t born yesterday. I may look like an idiot, but I’m a shrewed negotiator. I just want to get this deal done.
Kevin: Okaaay. Listen, until we can determine that your site is going to drum up some traffic on our website, I’d like to propose a merchandise trade. If, after a few months we find a pattern of business from The Willful Caboose, then we can negotiate a monetary payment for advertising.
Katebits: Hmm. That’s an interesting proposition. You sell all kinds of hockey-related memorabilia that I covet, plus, you guys seem to be friends with the Sabres. We might be able to work something out here. What are you offering?
Kevin: How about autographed pictures of the players?
Katebits: No. That won’t do it, Kevin.
Katebits: I have an idea. How about I make an appearance in your next Sabres commercial? Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “This chick is crazy if she thinks I’m putting her on television”, but Kevin, you’re overlooking one very important thing. You’re forgetting that I’m a professional viola player. I’m totally famous myself! I would be willing to put an ad on The Willful Caboose if I can be in the next Dave and Adam’s commercial. What do you think?
Kevin: What?! That’s ridiculous! No! I’m not putting you in a commercial!
Katebits: Oh come, on! Don’t be such a tight wad! Just give me a non-speaking role. I’ll simply wander around in the background while Dave and Adam do their shtick with whatever Sabre is in the commercial. I won’t say a word! I’ll just pretend to be shopping. Come ON! You KNOW it’s a good idea.
Kevin: No. That is out of the question.
Katebits: Okay, okay. How about I just attend the filming of the next commercial? I promise I’ll behave. I won’t say a word. You’ll hardly even notice I’m there. I can be, like, the player’s personal assistant for the day. I’ll toss treats to Pommerdoodle when he nails his lines. Pleeeease?! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Kevin: I am not letting you anywhere near Jason Pominville.
Katebits: Kevin, I need you to work with me here. So, what you’re telling me is that the commercials are off the table? You won’t bend on this issue?
Kevin: The commercials were never on the table.
Katebits: Okay, fine. I’ve got to hand it to you, Kevin. You drive a hard bargain.
Kevin: So, how about those autographed pictures?
Katebits: How about, NO?! The pictures are not going to cut it, but I do have another idea.
Katebits: I did some poking around on the Dave and Adam’s Flickr photo sets. I was particularly interested in the photos of the players signing stuff. I noticed that in some of the pictures, there is a dude sort of hovering over the player. I assume his job is to whisk the items away as they are signed. I think this is a job I could perform. How about in exchange for the advertisement, you let me do that job?
Kevin: No way.
Kevin: Just…..no. Listen, I’m not so sure this is going to work out. I don’t feel like we are really on the same page here.
Katebits: Nooo! Don’t give up! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t leave. I’ll be reasonable. Okay? I’ll be good. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’d be willing to settle for a “3”.
Katebits: I want one of these “3”s that Crunchy is signing.
Kevin: You want a three? But those are for jerseys.
Katebits: Whatever. I really like the threes. How about a three?
Kevin: The problem with those threes is that they become very valuable when Ryan signs them and we sew them onto a jersey. The markup on those is pretty steep. I don’t think I can give you a three.
Katebits: How about a Toni Lydman jersey?
Kevin: How about an autographed picture for each month?
Katebits: How about you get Crunchy to sign this picture? I want an autographed picture of Crunchy autographing a big stack of “3”s!
Kevin: How about the autographed pictures that we already have in stock?
Katebits: Okay, but only if they write a personal message on the photo. Like, “I love you Katebits”.
Kevin: No. How about the autographed pictures we already have in stock?
Katebits: Which Sabres do you have in stock?
Kevin: Well, I’ll have to check.
Katebits: Okay, fine. The price of my blogging integrity is one autographed Sabres photo per month. It better be a good Sabre, though.
Kevin: I’ll send you a good Sabre. I promise.
So that’s the deal! Kevin is going to send me an autographed Sabres photo per month during the duration of this experiment. If you guys click on the link and buy enough stuff from Dave and Adam’s Card World, maybe someday I’ll work up to a “3”!
In all seriousness, Kevin at Dave and Adam’s has been extremely cool and fun to work with. We really SHOULD buy our Sabres merchandise from a local company instead of from NHL.com, and to make that easier, Dave and Adam’s have the lowest prices available in the entire known universe. I am happy to promote a company with such a good sense of humor. (Please notice that the ad contains the word “Pommerdoodle”. I know. They’re not messing around. Dave and Adam won’t be satisfied until they have both our money AND our hearts. Fork it over, people.)