Scene: Katebits and HeatherB. are sitting in folding chairs, facing Brian Campbell who is sitting directly opposite them.
Katebits: Brian, I think you know why we’ve called you here today.
Brian Campbell: (nervously) No, I don’t. Why are you calling me “Brian”? You always call me Soupy. What’s going on?
HeatherB: (gently) Brian, you know exactly what’s going on.
Brian: (laughing derisively) No, Heather, I do NOT know what’s going on.
(Katebits and HeatherB. exchange a meaningful glance.)
Katebits: Brian, this is an intervention. We’ve called you here today because we believe that you are in real trouble, and need help.
Brian: (loudly) What are you talking about?! Why are you calling me Brian?
Katebits: Brian, calm down. We have a few things to say to you. Please. Sit.
(Brian sits reluctantly. Katebits unfolds a piece of paper.)
Katebits: Brian, Heather and I have both prepared some things we think you need to hear. I would like to read my statement to you now. (Katebits takes a deep breath and begins reading from the piece of paper.) Brian, I have recently realized that my dislike of your style of play has been making it less enjoyable to watch the Sabres games. I hate when you screw up defensively, and I resent when you produce offensively. The situation cannot continue. You are, after all, still a Sabre, and I am, now and forever, a Sabres fan. I believe that with a few small changes, you and I can again enjoy a healthy fan/Sabre relationship.
Brian: What?! I don’t have to listen to this! WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME BRIAN?
Katebits: Brian, please. Just let me get through this.
Katebits: Thank you for listening, Brian. (continues reading from the piece of paper). First of all, you need to either sign a contract for a reasonable amount of money, or you need to start playing like a giant contract is on the line. You can’t both hold out, and suck defensively. It’s unbecoming. Secondly, you must never utter the words, “My value goes up every month,” again. In exchange for these small changes in your attitude, I will try to be reasonable and stop blaming you for things that occur when you are not even on the ice.
Brian: (lip quivering) I…I…don’t know what to say. I had no idea you felt this way.
Katebits: Heather? I believe you have something you would also like to tell Brian?
HeatherB: (unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading) Brian, I have given this some real thought. There is only one thing you can do to win me back. You must grow a beard and keep it year round. I can’t continue to watch you throw your life away like this. Please. Listen to reason.
(Brian Campbell is sobbing)
Brian: I’m so sorry! I had no idea! I’ll do everything you ask! I’ll stop handing the puck over in my own defensive zone. I’ll grow the beard, I promise!
(Katebits puts her arms around Brian.)
Katebits: There, there, Soupy. It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be okay from now on. Heather and I are here for you if you ever need to talk. Just stop bitching about your contract and playing like shit, okay? And remember to fluff your hair up periodically. When your hair is dry, it’s actually very attractive.
HeatherB: Now, get out there are win us some hockey games, okay Soupy? While you’re at it, go sign that totally reasonable contract Darcy has been asking you to sign.
Brian: You got it guys! (Soupy begins to leave the room)
HeatherB: Oh, Soupy. Could you tell Timmy we need to speak to him please….