Dear Minnesota Wild,
You guys are KILLING me. You are so freaking boring I want to DIE….until the last ten minutes of the game when you somehow ALWAYS end up in a 2-2 tie. Perhaps you and the Avalanche could agree to start the game at the 10 minute mark of the 3rd period. It would save us the fifty minutes of mind numbing, and cut right to the INCREDIBLY EXCITING. I am really into you, but I’d like to see a bigger commitment to keeping me entertained through the first two and a half periods. (STELLAR work in the last half of the third period and overtime, though. Seriously. Well done.)
Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
Dear Montreal Canadians,
If you guys don’t pull it together and act like the powerhouse you supposedly are, I am going to withdraw my support. I’m serious. Get it done. Or else.
Dear Washington and Philadelphia,
Please work this out as quickly as possible. You guys playing each other is upsetting.
I don’t care for you guys,
It is up to you to defend the game of hockey. I know you didn’t want or ask to be in this position. You just wanted to play a quick and easy first round and then go home, but the Hockey Gods have spoken. You are the defenders of good, and the Rangers are the defenders of evil. You are only down 2-1 in this series. There is still a lot of hockey left to be played. I know that you aren’t very good at hockey, BUT NEITHER ARE THE RANGERS. At this point, it doesn’t even matter if you win or lose the series. If you win, evil is vanquished until next season, if you lose, the Curse of Brodeur kicks in, dooming the Rangers to years of misfortune. All that matters now is that you put up a fight. Be indignant.
Dear Dallas Stars,
Heh. Nice. Keep up the good work.
Dear Calgary Flames,
No one has benefited from the playoff goggles (tm, IPB) more than you. I’m into you guys. Your fans are incredible, your jerseys are beautiful, and you’re quite feisty with the questionable hits and the crazy goaltender switcharoos. Please don’t literally hurt the Sharks. Just beat them. At hockey.