We Need To Talk

Dear Minnesota Wild,

You guys are KILLING me. You are so freaking boring I want to DIE….until the last ten minutes of the game when you somehow ALWAYS end up in a 2-2 tie. Perhaps you and the Avalanche could agree to start the game at the 10 minute mark of the 3rd period. It would save us the fifty minutes of mind numbing, and cut right to the INCREDIBLY EXCITING. I am really into you, but I’d like to see a bigger commitment to keeping me entertained through the first two and a half periods. (STELLAR work in the last half of the third period and overtime, though. Seriously. Well done.)

With love,
Kate

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,

Carry on.

Kate

Dear Montreal Canadians,

If you guys don’t pull it together and act like the powerhouse you supposedly are, I am going to withdraw my support. I’m serious. Get it done. Or else.

Sternly,
Kate

Dear Washington and Philadelphia,

Please work this out as quickly as possible. You guys playing each other is upsetting.

I don’t care for you guys,
Kate

Dear Devils,

It is up to you to defend the game of hockey. I know you didn’t want or ask to be in this position. You just wanted to play a quick and easy first round and then go home, but the Hockey Gods have spoken. You are the defenders of good, and the Rangers are the defenders of evil. You are only down 2-1 in this series. There is still a lot of hockey left to be played. I know that you aren’t very good at hockey, BUT NEITHER ARE THE RANGERS. At this point, it doesn’t even matter if you win or lose the series. If you win, evil is vanquished until next season, if you lose, the Curse of Brodeur kicks in, dooming the Rangers to years of misfortune. All that matters now is that you put up a fight. Be indignant.

Sincerely,
Kate

Dear Dallas Stars,

Heh. Nice. Keep up the good work.

Kate

Dear Calgary Flames,

No one has benefited from the playoff goggles (tm, IPB) more than you. I’m into you guys. Your fans are incredible, your jerseys are beautiful, and you’re quite feisty with the questionable hits and the crazy goaltender switcharoos. Please don’t literally hurt the Sharks. Just beat them. At hockey.

Kate

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27 Responses to “We Need To Talk”


  1. 1 Katie April 15, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Dear Katebits,

    I sincerely hope these players are all reading these motivational letters!

    “I know that you aren’t very good at hockey, BUT NEITHER ARE THE RANGERS.”

    haha!

    I loved your letter to the Pens. Short, sweet, and to the point. Really, after watching that game yesterday, nothing more needs to be said (except Sid is looking strangely adorable with his Chops!)…but did anyone happen to see the Sens pregame ceremony? That alone may have been stranger than Hossa’s first playoff goal in four years!

  2. 2 Katie April 15, 2008 at 7:56 am

    Dear Katebits,

    I sincerely hope these players are all reading these motivational letters!

    “I know that you aren’t very good at hockey, BUT NEITHER ARE THE RANGERS.”

    haha!

    I loved your letter to the Pens. Short, sweet, and to the point. Really, after watching that game yesterday, nothing more needs to be said (except Sid is looking strangely adorable with his Chops!)…but did anyone happen to see the Sens pregame ceremony? That alone may have been stranger than Hossa’s first playoff goal in four years!

  3. 3 Katie April 15, 2008 at 8:08 am

    Sorry I posted twice! The Canisius computers are extra ridiculous this morning!

  4. 4 Pookie April 15, 2008 at 8:19 am

    Be indignant.

    That’s totally the key to this series! And you know what? John Madden can out-indignant anyone any day of the week! (This is the man who famously, while having a distinctly “off” season announced, “I don’t know who my competition for the Selke is.” Dude… no one, that’s who — because you aren’t in the running!)

    These letters are awesome! I’m all in favor of the Wild starting the games mid-way through. I just can’t stay up that late! Sam? Are you around? Can you suggest that to the Wild boss?

  5. 5 Caitlin April 15, 2008 at 8:46 am

    Katebits, the Stars sure are going to try! (They’d better. Or ELSE.)

  6. 6 Schnookie April 15, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Katebits, I like how you temper your “guardianship of good in the face of evil” edict to the Devils by pointing out that the Rangers are pretty much screwed either way, win or lose. That’s so encouraging to remember! And Pookie’s right — few teams can pull of “indignant” quite like the Devils.

    Katie, that Sens pregame was the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever seen. I was sitting there alternately thinking, “Wow, but the Sens make it easy for the Pensblog guys,” and, “Am I really seeing this? Are they really doing this?” I assumed that would be so mortifying to the players that they’d just curl up and die at center ice, muttering something like, “This never happened.” But then they went out and had their best 20 minutes of the series immediately after it. I think that’s proof enough that there’s something SERIOUSLY wrong with that team.

  7. 7 Anne April 15, 2008 at 9:33 am

    Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,

    Carry on.

    Kate

    The girl next to me at work thinks I’m crazy but I cackled a little. Before I scrolled down past “Dear Pittsburgh Penguins” I was like what bad things can Katebits say? She isn’t possibly on the side of Ottawa in this, is she? Has she lost her mind? Nooooo!!!! Then: “Carry on.” Ah, well said. haha. Go Pens!

    Also, I’ve just realized there are more players on the Calgary Flames than Iggy and Phaneuf. Who knew? They’re pretty spunky and entertaining. Mike Keenan was named by NHL players as the coach they’d least like to play for but, as I’m not currently an NHL player, I don’t care! I agree, I don’t like Soupy, but don’t hurt him…tooooo bad. Just rough him up a little. Go Flames!

  8. 8 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    RE: the Sens pregame entertainment…

    I just tried to watch a YouTubed version of the Ottawa Senator pregame “show”, and I was too embarrassed to watch it…..alone in my apartment. It filled me with such shameful horror, that I couldn’t get past the first 30 seconds. I can’t BELIEVE they made the players line up and watch him walk by. The Sens organization has surely doomed themselves to years of losing seasons with this one. Right? There is NO WAY the Hockey Gods approve of these reDONKulous shenanigans, right?

  9. 9 Pookie April 15, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    I can’t BELIEVE they made the players line up and watch him walk by.

    Did you see how bemused Mike Commodore looked? I love that guy!

  10. 10 elise April 15, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    kate, where is your letter to the Bruins? dare i ask?

    when are you visiting new york?!

  11. 11 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    Dear Bruins,
    You suck.
    -Kate

    :P Elise, I’ve been thinking about doing a Bruins primer for you. You actually have a few cuties on your team. (I’ll get you into hockey if it’s the last thing I ever do!)

  12. 12 Amy April 15, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    There is NO WAY the Hockey Gods approve of these reDONKulous shenanigans, right?

    I think last night’s game proved that the hockey gods in no way approve of those shenanigans.

    This should serve as a cautionary tale for people who complained about Sabretooth repelling / ATV’ing on the ice. They should remember that pre-game ceremonies can always be worse.

  13. 13 jonhoepfinger April 15, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    If I were an Ottawa Free Agent, I’d be like, well thats it, I ain’t coming back.

  14. 14 Matt April 15, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    This should serve as a cautionary tale for people who complained about Sabretooth repelling / ATV’ing on the ice. They should remember that pre-game ceremonies can always be worse.

    I don’t see a problem with ‘Tooth repelling. It’s not as good as the pig in NC jumping ATV’s through flaming hoops, but it’s not horrible.

  15. 15 Jaime April 15, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    I personally enjoyed watching Sabertooth glide through the air with the greatest of ease. It made me want to climb up there and give it a try!! The Sens pregame/gladiator style thing was awful. How much money was that poor guy paid to have to go out there, on the ice, in front of thousands of people and recite that drivel? It would have to be a hell of a lot I would hope!

  16. 16 Mike in Idaho April 15, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Well said Kate, truly the Devils are the guardians of all that is good! As for Avery, while his antics are annoying, I was equally annoyed that no defenseman was shoving him out of Brodeur’s way the whole time.

  17. 17 Schnookie April 15, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    As for Avery, while his antics are annoying, I was equally annoyed that no defenseman was shoving him out of Brodeur’s way the whole time.

    If the Devils hadn’t been killing a 5-on-3 at the time, someone would have shoved him out of Brodeur’s way.

  18. 18 CrotchetyOriginalSam April 15, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    You guys are KILLING me. You are so freaking boring I want to DIE…

    Okay, wait. What? The Wild and Avs have played three of the most exciting games of the playoffs thus far! Last night’s, in particular, was nail-biting from start to finish! The only reason it wasn’t a 5-4 game was because both goalies (especially Theodore, who seems suddenly to be channeling Martin Brodeur in his prime) stood on their heads all night! What was boring? The Wild aren’t even trapping most of the time, since 74% of our defensemen are now injured. (The Avs actually ARE trapping, but you wouldn’t know it from reading the unbelievably bizarre Denver papers.)

    Elise, I’ve been thinking about doing a Bruins primer for you… (I’ll get you into hockey if it’s the last thing I ever do!)

    We’ll work on her together at Apple Hill, Kate. I’ll hit her high, you hit her low…

  19. 19 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Sam, I think you are viewing the Wild/Avs series through Wild-fan colored glasses, which is of course your right. I’ve seen all three games, I have ended up in a state of frenzied euphoria all three times, but I’m telling you, the first hour and a half of those games have been a snooze. I’m not denying that this is a GREAT series. I have LOVED all the games, but as a non-invested observer, things aren’t getting interested until the third period. Sorry, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em. Now, that said, once the games do get exciting, they get craaaaaaazy exciting.

  20. 20 danielleia April 15, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    I must inform you Katebits, you crack me up on a daily basis.

  21. 21 CrotchetyOriginalSam April 15, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Whatevs. I guess if you only like Eastern Conference style games (up the ice, down the ice, up the ice, down the ice, up, down, up… huh? defense? hitting? never heard of them… down, up, down…) then the series has been boring. But I like physical, Canadian-style hockey myself, so I’m loving the early action.

    By the way, if it’s excitement you want, some serious trash-talk has broken out between, of all people, the press guys covering the series. Some Denver Post hack wrote an idiotic column about how the Wild are a bunch of goons (huh? hasn’t been one fight in the series yet, and I don’t think Boogaard or Simon have laid a single serious hit,) and our local beat writer (who is awesome) put a post on his blog this afternoon ripping the hell out of all the Denver writers: “at some point here in Denver, the Avs jerseys should come off and impartiality and professionalism should trickle back into the business.”

    The players on both teams, I assume, must think this is hilariously stupid.

  22. 22 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Call it what you want, but I like NON-BORING hockey, Samantha. :P

    I noticed the hubaloo in the press. I LOVE that Russo guy for bluntly calling out the Denver columnist. I added Russo’s Rants to my Newsie Blogroll.

  23. 23 Shari April 15, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    Holy Uvchickens Batman! Flyers are winning 5-3!

  24. 24 Shari April 15, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    Ooops, make that 6!

  25. 25 Chaz April 15, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    From an Avs fan-

    Kiszla = Gleason

    Nuff said.

  26. 26 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    Kiszla = Gleason

    That really is enough said. I absolutely CRINGE when I see Gleason quoted outside of Buffalo. Sorry you have to deal with that Kiszla dude, Chaz.

  27. 27 CrotchetyOriginalSam April 16, 2008 at 7:15 am

    Of course, the Wild did there best to make Kiszla look absolutely right last night, didn’t they? I’ve never seen so many idiotic penalties and pointless shoving matches…


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