Let’s Blow This Baby Up

I’m kind of a drama queen when it comes to the Sabres (although oddly, I’m not a drama queen in any other area of my life), so I felt a little bit of vindication when I made my morning blog rounds today.  It seems I’m not the only person who thought that that was THE WORST HOCKEY GAME IN THE HISTORY OF TIME AND SPACE.  I mean, I’ve seen the Sabres suck plenty of times before, but that game last night was an abomination.  I’m not sure that either team successfully completed a pass all night.  I will forever remember that game as ten guys standing in the middle of the rink kicking the puck around randomly with their skates.  For all I know, they didn’t even USE hockey sticks last night.

But the details about last night are neither here nor there.  The main point is that the Sabres are not a good hockey team.  I’ll admit, I’ve lost ALL patience for waiting around for this particular group of guys to pull it together.  It’s not going to happen.  Drastic steps must be taken.

I’m not ordinarily the type of blogger to play the role of GM.  I don’t feel very confident with my hockey analysis, but this situation has inspired me to go out on a limb and write a serious post about what I would do if I were the GM of the Sabres.  In my opinion, this team needs a major shake-up.

Here are the moves I would make:

Tim Connolly should be retired and sent to a farm to live out his remaining years grazing peacefully.  It’s the most humane solution at this point.

Drew Stafford should be traded for Evgeni Malkin.

Derek Roy‘s talent should be surgically extracted and implanted into Paul Gaustad.  This is a dangerous scheme because there’s a risk that Goose could be infected with some of Roy-Z’s personality as well as his talent (that, of course, would be disastrous/tragic), but I’m sure we can all agree that a Goose/Roy-Z hybrid would be a useful player to have around.  I think it’s worth the risk.  After the talent transferring procedure, the now talentless Derek Roy can become Goose’s personal assistant.  Everyone wins….except Goose, who now has a talentless Derek Roy following him around all the time.

Ryan Miller needs his glass eye removed and replaced with a real eye.  He’s done pretty well with one glass eye, considering, but it’s clear that he needs two good eyes to compete in the NHL.  He might as well get his wonky eyebrow re-cocked while he’s at it.

Jason Pominville needs to be taken off the point on the power play.

Henrik Tallinder and Toni Lydman need to be sent out into the deep forest and each be given a match, a single bottle of water, and a penknife.  They have 48 hours to hunt and kill the other.  Whoever comes out alive gets to keep his job.

Thomas Vanek should be paid $7.1 million dollars per year for the next six years.

Clarke MacArthur should be traded to the Blackhawks for Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane.

Max Afinogenov and Ales Kotalik should be melted down and then recast as Christmas tree ornaments which the Sabres wives and girlfriends can then sell in the concourse to benefit charity.

Andrew Peters should be waived and Adam Mair should start actively practicing punching people and being punched in return.

Patrick Kaleta should be sent to Portland, and Danny Paille should start actively practicing being really, really annoying.

Nathan Paetsch should be traded for Nicklas Lidstrom.

Craig Rivet should be returned to the San Jose Sharks.  This is a mercy trade made of behalf of Rivet who is probably looking at his old team with extreme longing right about now.  This poor dude was living a perfectly happy life in California a few months ago, and now, through no fault of his own, he’s the CAPTAIN of this train wreck.  Poor dude.  I want to set him free.

Mark Mancari, Nathan Gerbe, and Tim Kennedy should all be given trial jobs with the Sabres, but they should be FORBIDDEN from socializing with any of their elder teammates.  Everyday after practice they should be chauffeured to their grim apartments at the Extended Stay America off the 290, and supervised for the remainer of the day.  If any of them even glances wistfully at Chippewa St, they should be automatically fired/executed.

Teppo Numminen should be compelled to retire so that he may begin some sort of job which involves him standing behind the bench with James Patrick looking foxy in a well tailored suit.

Jaroslav Spacek should call a press conference and then bite the head off the pigeon so that we never have to hear about that dumb thing again.  (This isn’t so much of a personnel move as it is a personal request from me to Jaro.)

——-

So that’s what I would do if I were GM.

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45 Responses to “Let’s Blow This Baby Up”


  1. 1 Caroline December 2, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Being at the game last night, I can easily say that was the worst display of hockey that I’ve ever witnessed.

    He might as well get his wonky eyebrow re-cocked while he’s at it.
    NEVERRRRR. The wonky eyebrow stays. It’s his trademark, okay?

  2. 2 Cari December 2, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Good calls, all around.

    This one is my favorite, though: If any of them even glances wistfully at Chippewa St, they should be automatically fired/executed. Spot on, Lady.

  3. 3 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    NEVERRRRR. The wonky eyebrow stays. It’s his trademark, okay?

    Oh, I totally agree Caroline! I meant that he should get his eyebrow RE-crooked. I’m worried that it’s straightening out.

  4. 4 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    I should mention that this post is heavily inspired by the fine folks over at IPB, who basically invented this format of player-by-player “analysis”. :D

  5. 5 Heather B. December 2, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    I almost feel like the winner of the Hank/Toni battle would be doing the other a favor by killing him at this point. Kind of like Of Mice and Men. It sucks but it’s all for the best in the end.

    James Patrick *and* Teppo Numminen behind the bench in suits? Be still my beating heart.

  6. 6 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    Heather, the initial idea behind the Hank vs. Toni fight-to-the-death-match was that the feistiest, most cutthroat player would reveal himself, but the more I think about it, the more I become convinced that the two of them would be like, “Just kill me.” “No, I don’t want to kill you. You kill me.”

  7. 7 Phil December 2, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Uhh, Loods gets a bye here. He’s been the best player we have not named Thomas Vanek. Those two boys bring it each night, every night, all game.

    You can’t really exile the man who leads the Sabres in hits, blocked shots, +/-, and defensive badassery into a forest with an acquitted rapist, can you?

  8. 8 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    It’s my inclination to favor Toni Lydman too, Phil, but I figure if he wants it bad enough he shouldn’t have any trouble polishing off Hank Tallinder.

  9. 9 Heather B. December 2, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    Phil’s right! Hank’s the dead one! I wanna die! :P

  10. 10 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    Oh, poor Heather! This isn’t right what he’s doing to you!

  11. 11 Phil December 2, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Oh not only would he finish off Hank pretty easy, he’d flay him to make a new set of drums with his skin (Loods is a drummer…and death metal fan \m/).

  12. 12 Gambler December 2, 2008 at 7:31 pm

    No GM business to do with Yo-Yo? I’m loathe to suggest it, but maybe someone should break his finger again. We were winning while he was out.

    Man am I glad my internet crapped out last night. It sucked at the time, but at least is saved me from all this mess.

  13. 13 Phil December 2, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    Gambler, +1. Paille-Mac-Pommer was a solid, productive line with Brochen Hecht out.

  14. 14 Caroline December 2, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Oh, I totally agree Caroline! I meant that he should get his eyebrow RE-crooked. I’m worried that it’s straightening out.
    Gotcha! You had me for a second. Yes, more wonky-ness all around. The wonkier his eyebrow, the better goaltender he is. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

  15. 15 Phil December 2, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    Caro, don’t forget my theory that when he’s angrier/more in the zone, his wonky eye travels further up his head! :-D

  16. 16 Ed From the Southern Tier December 2, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    MAYBE THE SABRES SHOULD HAVE THE PIGEON PLAY ALL THREE SHIFTS OF EFFING DEFENSE !

    Disgusted from the middle of NY~~

  17. 17 Schnookie December 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    Katebits, if/when the Sabres are ever looking for a new GM, I think this will be job application enough for you. Who needs a resume when it’s clear that you are a hockey GENIUS. Every one of these solutions is rational, reasonable, totally doable, and will make the Sabres a relentless winning machine. JUST BRILLIANT!

  18. 18 JBo December 2, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    Oh, I’m so glad Caroline was the first person to touch that subject and get it worked out. I was about to go crazy about the wonky eyebrow. No one is EVER allowed to touch it.

    But sadly, yeah, it does seem like it’s straightening out. :/

  19. 19 Shari December 2, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    The Chippewa comment? That’s excactly what this teams problem is.
    To much of the good life! Bars, cars and puck bunnies!

  20. 20 Phil December 2, 2008 at 8:39 pm

    Ed from the Southern Tier, I’m living in Fredonia…I think I can hear your screams…lol

  21. 21 Jael December 2, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    This entry is full of the lulz. <3

  22. 22 Katebits December 2, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    Gambler, I forgot about Yo-Yo! It’s my old Yo-yo problem! I forget about him every time! I take him for granted. I think you’re right though. Break the finger.

    Ed, having the pigeon play a few shifts certainly couldn’t hurt. Maybe we should have the pigeon cloned so he can be a defensive pairing.

    Why, THANK you Schnookie. I learned most of my GM technique from you, so it makes sense that you would agree with my decisions.

    Glad you like the post, guys! I agree, Shari. These guys need to lay off the booze and the puck bunnies.

  23. 23 Matt December 2, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    Ryan Miller needs his glass eye removed and replaced with a real eye. He’s done pretty well with one glass eye, considering, but it’s clear that he needs two good eyes to compete in the NHL. He might as well get his wonky eyebrow re-cocked while he’s at it.

    BWAHAHAHAHAH

    MAYBE THE SABRES SHOULD HAVE THE PIGEON PLAY ALL THREE SHIFTS OF EFFING DEFENSE !

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    I swear to God, I spit my Wild Cherry soda all over my shoes at that one.

  24. 24 Angela December 2, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    Brilliance. All around.. LOVE the concept of melting down Max and AL for charity. Sheer Genius.

  25. 25 Susie December 2, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    Angela said it for me — brilliant. Even when the Sabres suck it up, you make my day, Kate.

  26. 26 danielleia December 2, 2008 at 11:38 pm

    Spacek is the new Ozzy Osbourne.

  27. 27 JB December 2, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    Apply! Heck just move right into the office!

  28. 28 Katebits December 3, 2008 at 1:19 am

    AWWWWWWW, thanks Angela and Susie!

    Totes, danielleia!

    JB, I’m there.

  29. 29 Craig December 3, 2008 at 4:27 am

    You’re one smart cookie. You need to be GM yesterday!

  30. 30 Grrrreg December 3, 2008 at 5:44 am

    Great! I especially like your trade proposals. Kane, Sharp, Lidstrom and Malkin for Paetsch, MacArthur and Stafford, now that’s shrewd GMing!
    I had never heard of the pigeon thing, I find it rather amusing.

  31. 31 Matt December 3, 2008 at 8:42 am

    It occurs to me that if we make the pigeon play defense for a few shifts, he might get hurt. Then we’d never see him “Doin’ The Pigeon” ever again.

  32. 32 Jaime December 3, 2008 at 10:15 am

    grim apartments at the Extended Stay America off the 290, and supervised for the remainer of the day

    I live 5 minutes from there. I can “mother” them and make them be good boys with lots of time outs for even thinking about Chippewa.

  33. 33 Amy December 3, 2008 at 10:17 am

    I just question whether Goose’s sudden talent infusion would be worth saddling him with Roy-Z as a shadow (and by extension Roy-Z’s personal assistant/BFF).

    These guys need to lay off the booze and the puck bunnies.

    I can see it now: the new team bonding experience involves vows of sobriety and chastity. Whoever stays sober and pure the longest wins.

  34. 34 Steve December 3, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Haha, yes, yes and YES. Especially like trading Stafford for Malkin, but we might need to keep Max around to translate for him. Or just ask them to throw in Gonchar too.

  35. 35 Katebits December 3, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Grrreg, the pigeon thing was super cute…..when they were winning. :D

    Matt, you make a very good point about “Doin’ the Pigeon”. Hm.

    Jaime, you’re hired! Official Sabres babysitter.

    I know, Amy. I felt a little bit bad about subjecting Goose to such high doses of Roy-Z, but Goose seems like a pretty patient, cool guy. He’ll figure out some kind of tactful way to shake Roy-Z. :)

    You’re RIGHT, Steve! We DO need Gonchar as well! (Or, if Malkin needs continuity, I’d be fine with taking Crosby in Gonchar’s place and keeping Max around to translate for Malkin.)

  36. 36 JBo December 3, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    I’m totally down with Crosby on our team. We just can’t tolerate those annoying tantrums of his. “Sidney! No! Go sit in the corner!”

    BTW Kate, just read you’re follow-up to the Hank/Toni death-fight; soooooo true. LOLZ.

  37. 37 Jonathan December 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Maybe one of the best things you have ever done kate.

    They should give you a editorial in the Sports Section every week. It would be the best thing in the Buffalo News.

  38. 38 Shari December 3, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Um…Heather can follow Hanks breadcrumbs through the forest but when you melt down Al, just send him straight to me!

  39. 39 JBo December 3, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Someone posted this on LiveJournal: HAHAHA.

  40. 41 millerlover December 3, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    That post made me pass out from laughter— nice job. The Sabres do suck BIG TIME.

  41. 42 Katebits December 4, 2008 at 12:14 am

    Awww, Jonathan. That is so sweet! Thanks!

    Hee, JBo….that’s cute!

    Why hello millerlover! I’m glad you regained consciousness long enough to leave a super nice comment! Glad you liked it! (The Sabres suck so hard.)

  42. 43 Gabby. January 9, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    i dont get what the point of you posting this was?
    to be funny?
    or to just be a bitch?
    i don’t know.
    but i recomend that you get a life.

    (:

  43. 44 bubu.blog.com July 25, 2013 at 12:40 am

    Thanks for finally writing about >Lets Blow This Baby Up |
    The Willful Caboose <Loved it!


  1. 1 Friday Links! « First Time Caller, Long Time Listener Trackback on December 5, 2008 at 10:38 am

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