Mood: I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to even watch this game, much less blog about it, but I’m going to give this a shot. The Caps game was a real turning point for me. For the first time since I became a Sabres fan, I really had to face the fact that regardless of the winning or losing, lately I’ve found the Sabres fundamentally unlikeable. I mean, they’re not just bad at hockey, they’re lazy douchebags about it. I hit the wall with them on Tuesday. I hit the wall, and then the Sabres threw up on the wall, and then I painted “Fuck you, Sabres” on the side of my bulldozer and I bulldozed the wall. It wasn’t pretty.
As most of you know, I’m a fairly new hockey fan. I don’t have a long history of this, and the sudden realization that I don’t even LIKE the Sabres has been disconcerting, to say the least. As someone who lived quite happily without hockey for thrity years, when I find myself very miserable over hockey, I tend to take it seriously. Unlike some of you, who were born into sports fandom, becoming a Sabres fan was a conscious choice that I made, and it’s a choice that I still question from time to time. The fact that hockey now occupies so much of my time and energy still bewilders me, especially when I find the Sabres this frustrating. Why on earth am I doing this to myself?
I think sports fandom is a really complicated and fascinating thing. When I started watching hockey, I did it because I wanted to be a part of this town. I wanted to stop feeling like I was on the outside looking in. I wanted to be a Buffalonian. So much of my sports fandom has been wrapped up in this “Yay! Buffalo!” thing that until recently I’ve not had to confront the flip side of that coin, which is that BEING A BUFFALONIAN SUCKS. THE SABRES SUCK ASS AND I HATE THEM WITH THE BURNING PASSION OF A MILLION WHITE HOT SUNS. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT LINDY REARRANGED THE LOCKER ROOM STALLS AND THEN THEY WROTE AN ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT IT LIKE IT’S FUCKING NEWS! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M CHEERING FOR A BUNCH OF A-HOLES WHO ARE SO CHILDISH THAT THEIR BOSS HAS SEPARATED THE TROUBLE MAKERS! WHY DON’T THEY MAKE DEREK ROY SIT IN THE CORNER WHILE THEY’RE AT IT?! I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THEIR DUMB ATTEMPTS TO “HOLD THEMSELVES ACCOUNTABLE”. ACT LIKE PROFESSIONALS YOU FUCKHEADS. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM!
But I digress.
I’ve realized something amazing in the last two days. Even if the Sabres disintegrate into full blown irrelevance, I can NEVER not be a Buffalonian again. In a weird, awesome way, that makes me feel really happy. I think all along I’ve had this wacky fear that as quickly as the Sabres turned me into a Buffalonian, they could somehow UNturn me. It’s not true. The Sabres are no longer my primary emotional connection to this town. That ended a long time ago. I have a whole life here now. I can afford to kick the Sabres around a bit, because I don’t really need them anymore. Not like I used to.
So, without further ado, here is a gameday post, completely devoid of affection for my team. Because I can.
Favorite Sabre: Okay, I lied. I still have affection for Goose. He’s the only one who made it out of the Caps game with a little piece of my heart. Goose not only played with a shred of dignity, but he’s also the only Sabre whose postgame interview was at ALL appropriate to the situation. I think if Adam Mair had given an interview he might have maintained a scrap of my respect as well.
Least Favorite Sabre: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Prediction: The little assholes are going to win this one. Then they’re going to give irritating post-game interviews about how they stuck to the system and worked as a team. Then, after that, they’re going to lose three in a row. Lather, rinse, repeat- for the rest of the season.
Item representing my love for the Sabre: I just googled “smallest thing in the world,” and Google tells me that a “Quark” is the smallest thing in the world.
This is the first thing that comes up in an image search for “quark”. I can’t believe that he’s the smallest thing in the world. Quantum mechanics are so weird.
After the 1st (0-0)
Mood: See above
Favorite Sabre: Meh….but I remembered that I don’t hate Matt Ellis.
Least Favorite Sabre: See above
What we’ve learned: When the Sabres hit rock bottom, and everyone is freaking out, and Lindy pulls out his most intense coaching moves (rearranging the stalls), and the Sabres are playing as hard as they can because they’re genuinely upset….they’re exactly as “good” as the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Item representing my love for the Sabres: 3/4ths of a quark.
They gained a half a quark because Ryan Miller stopped a penalty shot, but they LOST a 3/4ths of a quark because of that Sabres power play where the Leafs had control of the puck for fifteen years. Net loss = 1/4 of a quark.
After the 2nd (3-0, Sabres)
Mood: Alright, fine. I admit it. I’m amused. But I still hate these effers.
Favorite Sabre: Meh. Meh. A thousand times, meh.
Least Favorite Sabre: Jason Pominville. Yeah, you heard me. You know what two goals gets you tonight? Nothing. You’re playing against CuJo. Stop acting like you don’t suck. No one on this team gets to act like they don’t suck for AT LEAST a month. I don’t care HOW many goals you score against CuJo.
What we’ve learned: I’m still rooting for the Sabres. I wasn’t so sure I would. I still like it when they score.
Item representing my love for the Sabres: three quarks. One for each goal.
Yes, this represents three times the love I started out with, but PLEASE remember that these quarks are extremely, extremely small. So, I love the Sabre three times a quark. That’s like loving them three times the chance that we’ll ever see Tim Connolly play hockey again.
At the End (4-1, Sabres)
Okay fine. They won. Please remember dear readers (and I say this with your own best interests at heart), this is what they do. They suck SO HARD that you wish you were dead, and then juuuust when you’re ready to swear off hockey for the rest of your life, they pull themselves together and play a really solid, complete game….FOR ONE NIGHT.
You know what they’re doing right now? They’re patting each other on the back in the locker room, and they’re all thinking, “OMG! OMG! OMG! We’re sooooo good at hockey! YAAAAAY!” And Lindy is all, “WOW. I’m a GENIUS! I really sent them a POWERFUL MESSAGE when I moved their stalls!! I’m going to go tell them how much I love them.” They are all SO PROUD of themselves right now, and they are FORGETTING about the last 18 months. Yes, they ARE that dumb. Dear readers, PLEASE DO NOT BE FOOLED. For the LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT BE FOOLED.
I’m not going to trust these guys for at least two months. If they play like this for two months, I MIGHT forgive them for the Caps game. Maybe.