Dear Buffalo Sabres,
You suck so hard. Honestly.
PS- My willingness to analyze your problems has been decreasing steadily, and at this point all I really have to say is, “The Sabres are not good at managing, coaching, or playing hockey.” That’s pretty much the extent of my recent Sabres-related thoughts (well, that and, “Chris Butler is oddly alluring. Why did I never notice this before?”). But the thing is, I write a Sabres blog. People (extremely misguided people, mind you) come to a specific location on the world wide web just to read what I have to say about the Sabres. I do feel some degree of obligation to at least try to understand what’s wrong with you.
I’ve been asking myself, what IS wrong with you guys? Specifically. I mean, sure, it’s perfectly obvious that collectively you suck, but certainly you each have your own specific set of skills and areas of potential improvement. I’ve given this a lot of thought recently, and I’ve devised a plan: I’m going to fix the team, and I’m going to do it with the players and the coaches that we already have. My plan for improvement will not involve Bouwmeester or any other juicy free agent galloping in to save you. No, my plan is based on hard work, a manageable system, and using the long offseason to our advantage.
I’m going to review the organization, top to bottom (that means you too, Larry!), and over the next few weeks, you can expect to receive your summer homework assignments. I will be carefully analyzing each of your 2008-09 performances, and I will be assigning you each REQUIRED summer homework. These assignments are 100% NON-NEGOTIABLE. Failure to complete your assignments will put you IMMEDIATELY in my dog house. (My dog house is not to be confused with Jerry Sullivan’s dog house, which is just a really awkward online tsk-tsking. My dog house is an actual house full of trained, killer dogs. I assure you, you do not want to go there.)
Gentleman, this offseason will be long, summery, and relaxing….. but not for you. Ultimately, I believe the most important thing is that you do not have any fun. You’ve lost your fun privilages, so get ready to work hard.
In the short term, before I do my analysis and give you each your summer homework assignments, please use this time to watch the Stanley Cup Finals. I assume at least a few of those teams are good. You might accidentally learn something.