(This is the fifth post in a series which will evaluate the Sabres organization, one man at a time. Larry’s Quinn’s internal review is the Official Worst Top-To-Bottom Review EVER. I’m conducting my own review, to show Larry how it’s done.)
Name: Paul Gaustad, aka Goose
Number of years remaining on contract: Three more years! Three more years! Three more years!
Cap hit: Who cares.
Career high point: Standing next to Katebits in the checkout line at the grocery store.
Career low point: Seeing Katebits buy frozen macaroni and cheese. Oh wait, no…that’s my low point.
2008/09 Grade: A+ (What can I say? The Sabres were graded on a curve.)
Areas of strength: HONKing, faceoffs, tall handsomeness, working hard, scoring breakaway shorthanded goals against Carey Price while Katebits is in attendance at the game, do-goodiness, HONKing, cleaning the junk out of the trunk of his Stratus to increase his gas milage, looking like a baby giraffe on ice skates, scrabble, standing in front of the net, leadership, HONKing, stick-to-it-ness, punching jerks in the face, goofy goal celebrations, all-around-lunch-pail-ery.
Areas of weakness: a bit on the physically fragile side, not super point get-y, refuses to wear a visor, …too handsome?
General Comments: Just when you think you can’t stand ONE MORE MINUTE of ONE MORE GAME played by this GOD AWFUL collection of GUTLESS PUKES….there’s Goose, carefully rearranging his teammates before the puck drops, and you remember- oh yeah! I DO like the Sabres.
Just when it seems that there is NO HOPE for these guys, Goose gives an interview absolutely vibrating with rage- and you think, oh thank goodness, at least ONE GUY in that locker room cares as much as the fans care.
Just when you think you might not feel like recycling a tin can, there’s Goose, reminding you that a tin can can power a television for one hour. It makes no sense whatsoever, but because Goose said it, you know it must be true.
Just when you think that blue and gold make PURPLE, Goose is there to remind you that blue and gold make green.
Just when you think you’ll throw up if you see one more picture online of Derek Roy drunk and rolling around on a public sidewalk, you see a picture of Goose, planting a tree, or talking to a classroom full of kids, or attending an event designed to promote high self esteem in young girls, or helping a little old lady across the street, or getting a cat out of a tree, or teaching a leper to read.
I’ve always been a big Paul Gaustad fan, but at times this season, he served as the lone bright spot- a flickering reminder of the way things must be if the Sabres ever want to be good again. Be more like Goose, you jackasses.
REQUIRED SUMMER HOMEWORK:
1. Keep your beak clean, Goose. HONK!