TWC Top-to-Bottom Review: Paul Gaustad

(This is the fifth post in a series which will evaluate the Sabres organization, one man at a time.  Larry’s Quinn’s internal review is the Official Worst Top-To-Bottom Review EVER.  I’m conducting my own review, to show Larry how it’s done.)

Name: Paul Gaustad, aka Goose

Position: Forward

Number of years remaining on contract: Three more years!  Three more years!  Three more years!

Cap hit: Who cares.

Career high point: Standing next to Katebits in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Career low point: Seeing Katebits buy frozen macaroni and cheese.  Oh wait, no…that’s my low point.

2008/09 Grade: A+  (What can I say? The Sabres were graded on a curve.)

Areas of strength: HONKing, faceoffs, tall handsomeness, working hard, scoring breakaway shorthanded goals against Carey Price while Katebits is in attendance at the game,  do-goodiness, HONKing, cleaning the junk out of the trunk of his Stratus to increase his gas milage, looking like a baby giraffe on ice skates, scrabble,  standing in front of the net, leadership, HONKing, stick-to-it-ness, punching jerks in the face, goofy goal celebrations, all-around-lunch-pail-ery.

Areas of weakness: a bit on the physically fragile side, not super point get-y, refuses to wear a visor, …too handsome?

General Comments: Just when you think you can’t stand ONE MORE MINUTE of ONE MORE GAME played by this GOD AWFUL collection of GUTLESS PUKES….there’s Goose, carefully rearranging his teammates before the puck drops, and you remember- oh yeah!  I DO like the Sabres.

Just when it seems that there is NO HOPE for these guys, Goose gives an interview absolutely vibrating with rage- and you think, oh thank goodness, at least ONE GUY in that locker room cares as much as the fans care.

Just when you think you might not feel like recycling a tin can, there’s Goose, reminding you that a tin can can power a television for one hour.  It makes no sense whatsoever, but because Goose said it, you know it must be true.

Just when you think that blue and gold make PURPLE, Goose is there to remind you that blue and gold make green.

Just when you think you’ll throw up if you see one more picture online of Derek Roy drunk and rolling around on a public sidewalk, you see a picture of Goose, planting a tree, or talking to a classroom full of kids, or attending an event designed to promote high self esteem in young girls, or helping a little old lady across the street, or getting a cat out of a tree, or teaching a leper to read.

I’ve always been a big Paul Gaustad fan, but at times this season, he served as the lone bright spot- a flickering reminder of the way things must be if the Sabres ever want to be good again.  Be more like Goose, you jackasses.

REQUIRED SUMMER HOMEWORK:

1. Keep your beak clean, Goose.  HONK!

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12 Responses to “TWC Top-to-Bottom Review: Paul Gaustad”


  1. 1 Katie May 12, 2009 at 12:27 am

    “Be more like Goose, you jackasses”

    This is all that Lindy ever needs to write on his dry erase board.

  2. 2 Ryan May 12, 2009 at 1:49 am

    Agreed on all points.

  3. 3 Schnookie May 12, 2009 at 8:03 am

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: again, as all your top-to-bottom reviews are delightful! I especially love that Goose is so diligent about clarifying that it’s green that blue and gold make, not some other crazy (PURPLE???) color. He’s a hero for our modern times.

  4. 4 Pookie May 12, 2009 at 8:24 am

    cleaning the junk out of the trunk of his Stratus to increase his gas milage

    I think this should be a new test at the draft combine.

    And :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to the rest of this fabulous post!

  5. 5 Frisbee May 12, 2009 at 8:35 am

    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/blog/index?entryID=4159899&name=lebrun_pierre

    I assume you saw this. And yes, I am reading all non-Caps hockey news this morning because I am too nervous to deal with the other situation.

    In other news, I would renounce Caps fandom for one snuggle with the Goose. Holy goodness, he just does it for me in a big way.

  6. 6 Erin May 12, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Remember last year when Goose insisted on wearing his helmet backwards and linking arms on the bench to bring good luck during the shoot-out? So Sweet! What a dream-boat.

  7. 7 elise May 12, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    awww, kate. HONK! frozen mac and cheese!

  8. 8 Amy May 12, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with frozen mac and cheese. It makes for great lunches at work.

    Be more like Goose, you jackasses.

    With this statement, I smell a sequel to the old “Be Like Mike” commercials that Gatorade ran in the early 90s. The Sabres can all be singing ‘like Goose, if I could be like Goose.’

  9. 9 danielleia May 13, 2009 at 11:09 am

    “The Sabres were graded on a curve.”

    They must enjoy this big curve, yes?

  10. 10 Destiny May 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    I agree 100% and I’m not just saying that ’cause Goose is my favorite! Well, okay, that has a bit to do with it. ;)

    “looking like a baby giraffe on ice skates”

    The mental image from these words will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. (That’s a good thing, we can all more cute mental images!)

  11. 11 mcguffers May 14, 2009 at 11:55 am

    After my dad had hernia surgery, I went to the store to pick up his prescriptions and stool softeners for him. If I lived in Buffalo, THAT would have been the day Paul Gaustad was in line in front of me.

    Awesome post, Kate!

    attending an event designed to promote high self esteem in young girls

    Does he know he’s ruining the dating pool for Tim Connolly?

  12. 12 Rachel May 16, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Great post, I concur on all points.

    “attending an event designed to promote high self esteem in young girls.
    Does he know he’s ruining the dating pool for Tim Connolly?”

    BEST RESPONSE IN THE HISTORY OF BLOG RESPONSES. EVER.


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