Free Agency, Day 2

(Darcy and Larry Quinn are lounging around a fancy office.  Darcy is leaned all the way back in a chair with his feet up on the desk, and Larry is laying face down, draped over a couch on the other side of the room. A phone is ringing.)

*ring*

Darcy: I’m bored.

Larry: Me too. (pause) I can’t wait for the fireworks this weekend.

*ring*

*ring*

Darcy: Fireworks are awesome.

*ring*

Larry: (Picking head up from couch) Would you PLEASE answer that phone.

Darcy: YOU answer it.

Larry: Dude, I’m the boss of you.  Answer it.

*ring*

*ring*

Darcy: It’ll stop in a minute.

*ring*

Larry: Do you have any gum?

Darcy: No…..chewed it. (snaps gum)

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

Larry: Who do you think that is calling?

Darcy: I dunno.  Probably some GM.  They’ve been hassling me all day.

Larry: Ugh.  I hate those guys.

*ring*

*ring*

(Jochen Hecht bursts into the room)

Hecht: OH MY GOD WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE?!  IT’S BEEN RINGING FOR TWENTY MINUTES!

(Darcy and Larry don’t move except to lift their heads to look at Hecht)

Larry: Answer it yourself, Fritz.

(Hecht sighs dramatically and picks up phone)

Hecht: (into phone) Darcy Regier’s office, this is Jochen Hecht speaking.  (looks down at Darcy Reiger who nearly horizontal in his chair and blowing bubbles with his gum) No….he’s not available right now.  Can I take a message?  (begins scribbling things down on a pad) Okay, okay, I’ve got it.  Thank you Mr. Burke, I’ll have him call you right back.  Goodbye.

Darcy: (not moving) The Burkinator.  That dude is kuh-RAZY.   What did he want?

Hecht: (reading directly off notepad) Check your email….asswipe.  Schenn for Tallinider is off the table.

Larry: HAHAHA!  Brian Burke called you an asswipe, Darce.

Darcy: (mumbling) Whatever.

Hecht: (tosses pad onto desk in disgust) Shouldn’t you guys BE WORKING?!

Larry: We ARE working. (pause) We just took a call from Brian Burke.

Hecht: No you DIDN’T!

Darcy: Jochen, this is my quiet genius at work, okay?  If you don’t like it, maybe you should go play for another team. (sarcastically) Oh wait….You CAN’T, can you?   Nobody WANTS you on their team, do they?

Larry: Heh.  Your contract is untouchable, dude.

(Pause)

Darcy: I’m hungry.

Larry: Me too.

Darcy: Oooh.  You wanna get Jim’s for lunch, Lare?

(Larry leaps off the couch)

Larry: HELLZ YEAH I DO!

(Darcy leaps out of chair)

Darcy: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Darcy and Larry high five and start a conga line out of the office)

End Scene

17 Responses to “Free Agency, Day 2”


  1. 1 Shelby Rose July 2, 2009 at 11:23 am

    I think the conga line out the door image in my head made my day.

  2. 2 Anne July 2, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Haha Schenn for Tallinder.

    Excellent scene work, as usual.

  3. 3 Amy July 2, 2009 at 11:34 am

    You had me at “check your email, asswipe,” but the conga line out the door clinched it.

  4. 4 Katebits July 2, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Thanks, ladies! I’m QUITE attached to the conga line image. I think have Darcy exit every scene with a conga line is my new goal in life. :D

  5. 5 CrotchetyOriginalSam July 2, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Awesome. It’s like a Beckett play, only with more Sabres. Waiting for Darcy…

  6. 6 Jaime July 2, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    I can completely picture this scene! Jochen and his lisp taking messages is priceless!

  7. 7 mikespub July 2, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    That’s awesome and probably more truth to it than any of us are ready to stomach.

    Guess we saw who are the habs and who are the hab-nots

  8. 8 mcguffers July 2, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Tallinder and Komisarek could play on the same line so Heather B and I could suffer together while watching our favorite tall, blonde defencemen go from a bad year to the Leafs. Eck.

    BTW, I totally hope Yo-yo finds his game this year, but until then these posts are killing me! (in a good way!) :D

  9. 9 Mags July 2, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I think Jochen Hecht bursting in is what made it for me. Because I can just see him yelling at Darcy and Larry with all his fantastic German mannerisms. Perfect, as always, Kate.

  10. 10 Matt July 2, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    …asswipe!

    I think I ripped the crotch of my new trousers by doubling over too fast and laughing too hard.

  11. 11 Alli Suriani July 2, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    thank you for this post. funniest shit ive read in a while. keep up the awesome work.

  12. 12 Becky July 2, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Now Larry & Darcy can spend the rest of their time looking for the hidden cameras & microphones.

  13. 13 Heather B. July 2, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Tallinder and Komisarek could play on the same line so Heather B and I could suffer together while watching our favorite tall, blonde defencemen go from a bad year to the Leafs. Eck.

    mcguffers, I’m going to pretend you didn’t just make Hank a Leaf.

    Larry lying face down, draped over a coach is what did it for me. Very funny.

  14. 14 Chris July 2, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Hahaha. Hilarious!

  15. 15 karen July 3, 2009 at 8:39 am

    My husband thinks you’ve missed your calling as a playwright and has redubbed you Katebits Mamet.

  16. 16 mcguffers July 3, 2009 at 9:23 am

    mcguffers, I’m going to pretend you didn’t just make Hank a Leaf.

    At least with Hank it’s still hypothetical! *still crying over Komi*

  17. 17 Dave July 8, 2009 at 4:55 am

    Thanks for that one, Kate. Great stuff. The ‘check your email’ line is classic. hahahaha


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