Have you ever wondered what happens when there is a crazy person on your flight? I can now tell you.
First the whole plane becomes aware of her during boarding. She’s talking too loudly and too rudely about the very young flight attendant.
Then, the entire plane gets veeery nervous about her when she loudly and shrilly demands to know what the guy filling the gas tank is doing out there. “HE’S BEEN OUT THERE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. WHAT IS HE DOING?! HE DOES NOT LOOK HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING AT ALL. NOW HE’S UNDER THE PLANE. HE’S UNDER THE PLANE.“ Then, everyone pretends not to eavesdrop when the flight attendant comes over to try to calm her down. Everyone is very very very very wary of this loud lady traveling alone.
She is trouble. She is both belligerent and terrified.
Then, when the plane starts to pull out of the gate, the lady screams (yes, screams), and begins shouting and sobbing, “THAT PLANE IS COMING RIGHT AT US. OH MY GOD. WHY WOULD THEY PARK HERE! Oh MY GOD. I”M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OFF THIS FLIGHT. I’M GOING TO DIE. I KNOW IT. I CAN’T DO THIS. I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS FLIGHT.”
This is when the flight attendant (who really does look too young to be doing this job) begins to look very nervous, and she leaps out of her seat and gets on a little phone, presumably to the cockpit. There is a long phone conversation while the crazy lady is being loud, and those of us near her are trying to calm her down and everyone else on the flight is silently willing the plane to stop.
Please don’t put us in the air with this lunatic.
Then, after about twenty minutes the plane begins to move back towards the gate. Some people groan, but most of us are relieved. The crazy scared lady begins to complain that the flight attendant is over reacting and that if she had any idea how to do her job this wouldn’t be happening. “I’VE BEEN UP SINCE FOUR AM! I JUST WANT TO GET HOME. THERE IS NO NEED TO STOP THE PLANE,” she screeches. None of us argue with her because she is sobbing and the plane is already stopped and the wheels of airline justice are already in motion. Why risk provoking her further?
Then, after another half hour, the foxy pilot comes back and first asks her what’s wrong, and when she starts bitching about how everyone is overreacting, he basically tells her to can it. He informs her in a loud enough voice for those of us nearby to hear, that some people from inside the airport are coming to talk to her. Innnnteresting, we all think.
Then, after another twenty minutes two cop cars pull up next to the plane and we all think, “Holy TOLEDO! Are they going to arrest her?!” The crazy lady FINALLY begins to understand that she has freaked everyone out and caused a major delay, and that she might be in BIG TROUBS. She stops bitching, and starts whining.
Then, finally, a very authoritative man, with a very calm demeanor walks smoothly through the plane, leans down to the woman and speaks very quietly, so that we cannot here what he says. It becomes clear to us that this is his job. Getting uncooperative and disruptive people off planes is this man’s job. Specifically this. He’s good at his job, because whatever he says to her works, and she stands up and leaves the plane without resistance.
Then she is gone, and the entire plane starts talking to each other about what a crazy loon she was, and OMG I’M SO GLAD WE DIDN’T TAKE OFF WITH HER IN THE PLANE.
Then we finally get home and we immediately write about it on our blogs, because although we have flown on many, many flights, we’ve never seen anything quite like that.