Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge, and Other Disgusting Atrocities: A Story in Two Parts

Part One: Last night, Crotchety Original Sam and I tromped out into the icy mess that is St. Paul for our annual Minnesota Wild game at the Xcel Center.  In past years this trip has ended in despair and tears.  (Just kidding, Sam and I ALWAYS have fun, even when the home team sucks rhino ass.)  Guess what?  THE WILD WON!  I’m pretty sure that they were so impressed with my new North Stars t-shirt that they played extra hard.  The Wild are QUITE zippy and fun.

Anyhooch, there we were, wearing sassy retro NHL t-shirts and watching the Wild win, when suddenly during the second intermission, came the “Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge.”  The jokes immediately started flying about the name of this competition and the fate you would suffer if you ate a Chipotle burrito.  (Worst name of intermission game EVER.)  The game involved contestants rapidly identifying pictures of celebrities up on the jumbotron.  The winner would win free burritos for a lucky row in the arena.   I was immediately preoccupied with imagining the meeting at Chipotle headquarters that created this game (“I know, let’s call it “The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge!”  “Do you really think it’s a good idea to associate our burritos with sudden death, boss?”  “Oh SURE!  Sudden death refers to the GAME, not the food!  I like the name!  It’s folksy!”) to pay much attention to the contestants, and Sam was busy recounting a South Park episode which graphically detailed the terrible fate that would happen to your digestive system if you ate a Chipotle burrito.

But that’s right!  You guess it!  At the end of the contest, section 202, row 9, OUR ROW, was the lucky recipient of the Sudden Death Burritos!   Of all the hundreds of rows in the arena, we had won!  Now, I hate sudden death as much as the next gal, but I LOVE free burritos, so needless to say, I was PSYCHED.  A few minutes later, a pleasant Minnesotan came by and handed out our burrito coupons.  It was joyful.  We were triumphant.

But that’s where the fun ended.

The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge is a SHAM, people.  First of all, it’s NOT a free burrito, it’s a “buy one get one free”.  It’s HALF of a free burrito.  Second of all, THE COUPON EXPIRES AT THE END OF 12/09.   So, after all of that rigmarole, all I got was a “buy on get one free” coupon that I have to use in the next fifteen minutes before it expires.  I think this is WRONG.

I think this is SO wrong, that I intend to give this coupon to my most hated enemy so that he/she will first have to BUY a burrito only so that he/she will suffer from the SUDDEN DEATH caused by the free one.

(Truthfully, the whole thing was hilarious.  Loudly complaining about our prize brought our row together for lots of laughs.  I suggested that we all throw our Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card gift certificates onto the ice in protest, but sadly we decided that it would be difficult to hit the ice with a coupon from the upper bowl.)

Moral of the story: Eff you, Chipotle.  Eff you right in the ear.

Part Two: At the end of the Wild game, we scurried back to Sam’s house to watch the Sabres game on DVR delay.  I changed out of my North Stars t-shirt and into a Sabres sweatshirt (I really did this), and we settled in.  Sam got to see my oh-so-delightful-I’m-sure transformation from a happy-go-lucky Wild fan to a nearly-abusive-to-the-players Sabres fan.

A few thoughts on the game:

I think it’s okay to be legitimately concerned about the following things:

1. The overall  lack of energy.  At no point did the Sabres seem pissed at Ruutu.  At no point did anyone seem to care that Roy took an elbow to the head.  At no point did coming from behind seem to create any legitimate momentum.  The Sabres might be better this year, but they’re still lacking in the “fiery passion” department.

2. Tim Connolly and Drew Stafford.  Remember when we all used to wring our hands and saying things like, “Oh, if only Tim Connolly could stay healthy THE SABRES WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.”  Did anyone ever stop to consider that someday Timmeh would be able to stay healthy and that he would simply….suck? I don’t even know what to say about Staffy.

3. I know that they got a power play goal, but the power play still looks like a half-eaten Sudden Death Chipotle burrito.  Which is to say, very bad.

4. I’m pretty sure that Lindy put Vanek first in the shootout to reward him for playing a good game, but it was ill-advised.   I know, hindsight is 20/20, but Lindy OBVIOUSLY flew too close to the sun on that one.  Sadly, all the confidence-building good of the game was probably erased when Thomas failed (for the 50 millionth time) to score in the shootout.  Very unfortunate.

The following things are legitimately good:

1. At the start of the game, I said to Sam, “The following players MUST have a good game: Thomas Vanek, Jason Pominville” and then they both scored!  I will try this trick again today.

2. Steve Montador is getting hotter by the day.  Is it just me, or does he always seem to be charging around creating offensive chances and being generally foxy?  Private to Monty: My car mats ALWAYS need shaking.  IfyouknowwhatImean.

3. We should be happy they got a point. That was a bad game, but they’re still leading the division.  I have no experience with the ebb and flow of a successful season.  As a result, I think my spazziness after the bad games is probably a tish excessive, and for that I apologize.  Being a Negative Nellie is not my real-life style, so, let’s be thankful for this point.  Let’s love this point like it’s the best point in the world.  Last year the Sabres missed the playoffs by two points. Maybe this point that we inexplicably squeezed out the Ottawa game was one of those points that we will really need later on.

Moral of the story: There is another Sabres game in a few hours.  I’m going to forgive them for yesterday, but if they look like disinterested poo again, I’m sending my Sudden Death Chipotle Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card coupon to the Sabres locker room.  That’ll teach ‘em.

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14 Responses to “Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge, and Other Disgusting Atrocities: A Story in Two Parts”


  1. 1 Amy December 27, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    If you sent your Sudden Death Chipotle Coupon thingy to the Sabres locker room, I could only imagine the fracas that would break out as they all fought over who would be the one to redeem it at the new Chipotle on Niagara Falls Blvd. Children would be crying (Myers), Geese would be honking (Goose), Crunchy would be muttering about the calories in a burrito, Timmy would end up with a head injury and Lindy would just be rolling his eyes in the corner. In other words, there would be more passion and life than we’ve seen on the ice. Do it!

  2. 2 Katebits December 27, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Amy, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Here I was thinking that the Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupon would cause heartache because of the sudden death! I didn’t even STOP to think about the hilarious in-fighting it would cause. You’re a genius!

  3. 3 Caroline December 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    I’ve gotta say, I think I’d take the Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge (even if it is a sham) over that stupid Butterwood Desserts blimp during our intermissions.

  4. 4 Katebits December 27, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Caroline, I can totally respect that, and until I saw the Sudden Death Chipotle Challengs, I would have agreed. The thing about the SDCC is that there is a ridiculous amount of hoopla surrounding it. I mean, two guys participated in a live trivia competition, and the odds of being the winning row are so slight, and they specifically TOLD US we’d get a free burrito. It was just SUCH a let down after ALL of that to get a whack ass “Buy one get on free” coupon (that expires in four days). At least with the mini blimp it’s perfectly obvious from the get-go that everything associated with it is going to be incredibly lame. The mini-blimp is upfront about it’s lameness, which I appreciate.

  5. 5 CrotchetyOriginalSam December 27, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    You forgot to mention the assortment of truly excellent (Xcellent?) jersey fouls we spotted at the Wild game. As I recall, our list of inbred morons sporting custom jobs read as follows:

    1. HAWGWILD
    2. BORN2BWILD
    3. IGOWILD (this one was on a woman – double foul)
    4. FIVE-HOLER (seriously unforgivable)

  6. 6 Caroline December 27, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Touché, Kate! You’re right about that…that blimp is such a bummer. I bet the coupons it drops is just as lame as the chipotle burrito one. It’s probably like, “Buy 12 cakes and get one cupcake free!” or something like that.

  7. 7 Pookie December 27, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Hey, didn’t we win free coffee or something with our Sabres ticket stubs after that hilarious OT Leafs game when McCabe scored into his own net? I seem to recall being giddy about winning something and then the fine print was equally disappointing. And that’s my story.

  8. 8 Katebits December 27, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    That DOES ring a vague bell, Pookie. Arena giveaways really are the worst.

  9. 9 Kathleen December 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    “Oh, if only Tim Connolly could stay healthy THE SABRES WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.” Did anyone ever stop to consider that someday Timmeh would be able to stay healthy and that he would simply….suck?

    Seriously. I feel so cheated now.

    I don’t know what to feel about that game. On one hand – one point! That’s a start! On the other hand – they came out like puke. And back to the first hand – they had a nice comeback! And on the second hand – it’s going to take weeks for Vanek to get his confidence back.

    Eff that game.

  10. 10 Amy December 27, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    FIVE-HOLER

    That’s just wrong on so many levels. And icky, too.

  11. 11 Patty (in Dallas) December 27, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    At Stars games, they hand out actual burritos to the winning row. I always thought the chances of getting an arrangement of ingredients you hate would be pretty high. Also, I bet it’s cold. But at least it would be free of strings.

  12. 12 CrotchetyOriginalSam December 27, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    FIVE-HOLER

    That’s just wrong on so many levels. And icky, too.

    It would be less icky if you could have seen the dude wearing it. I don’t know quite how to describe him, but let’s just say he brought to mind Paul from The Wonder Years…

  13. 13 Katebits December 27, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Yeah, the HAWGWILD guy was waaaaay ickier.

    Patty, are you serious? That was something we were joking about before we got the coupons. Do you think they’ll bring us actual burritos?!

  14. 14 CrotchetyOriginalSam December 28, 2009 at 11:10 am

    I always thought the chances of getting an arrangement of ingredients you hate would be pretty high.

    I really can’t think of any potential burrito ingredients that I would hate.


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