Scouts

Yesterday Heather tweeted a link to this Globe and Mail article about how the NHL teams with big budgets have much bigger scouting staffs than the on-a-shoe-string teams (like the Sabres).

The article is amusing for a few reasons.  First of all, you get information like this:

By sending one scout to a game who is trained how to use a video camera, he can come back with a DVD that can be studied by several other Sabres scouts.

I know!  They TRAIN professional hockey scouts to use a video camera!  What kind of science fiction world are we living in?  What is this, The Jetsons?  SCOUTS with video cameras?!  WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?!

And then there is this:

Regier said he has had inquiries from other teams about their system, but so far no one has adopted the model as completely as the Sabres.

I’m pretty sure those inquiries went like this:

Brian Burke: Darcy, I’m calling to inquirer about your new scouting department. That is biz-ONKERS, dude.
Darcy: Well, it’s really quite fascinating.  You see, scientists have invented this crazy device that will record the things that happen at a game.
Brian Burke: ….You mean like a phonograph?
Darcy: Well kind of, but a phonograph is just a sound recording.  With a video camera you can actually see the action too.
Brian Burke: Whoa whoa whoa.  You are BLOWING my mind.
Darcy Regier: Do you want me to tell you more?
Brian Burke: No.  Please slow down.  This is too much to absorb.  I don’t think I can take it.  Just stop talking.

The article prompted Heather and I to have a goofy conversation on Twitter where I admitted that I’ve always imagined that the Sabres are actually sending soulless robots to do their scouting.  I mean, with all the uproar about the Sabres using video technology instead of thinking, feeling human beings, there was only one logical assumption left to make:

Robots are cheaper than people because they don’t need health insurance. THE SABRES ARE CHEAP!

Robot: A.ccord.ing.to.my.cal.cu.la.tions.you.should.draft.Drew.Staff.ord.next.
Darcy Regier: Are you sure, robot?  I mean, he appears to be a brain eating zombie….and a furry.
Robot: I.be.lieve.Drew.Staff.ord.will.be.an.im.por.tant.part.of.the.Sab.res.
or.gan.i.za.tion.
Darcy Regier: But….what about Evgeni Malkin?  Shouldn’t I pick him before Drew Stafford?
Robot: NO.Ev.gen.i.Mal.kin.does.not.compute.does.not.com.pute.does.not.com.pute.
does….not…com….puuuute…
Darcy Regier: Darn it.  This robot is always getting jammed. (slams the robot on the head)
Robot: (whirring back to life) ….a.cord.ing.to.my.cal.cu.la.tions.Drew.Staff.ord.
is.bett.er.at.hoc.key.than.Ev.gen.i.Malk.in.
Darcy: Okay, robot.  If you say so!  Stafford it is!  I’ll pick Malkin in round two…

(I know, I know. The Sabres did NOT actually draft Staffy before Malkin.)

_________

I think that’s enough nonsense for one day.

(Private message to the Sabres: The moral of the story is you should NEVER give me and Heather just a little information.  That’s about the worst thing you could possible do.  You should either explain how your video scouting works completely, or you shouldn’t say anything at all.  As God is my witness, I will believe for the rest of my days that you’re sending Short Circuit to do your scouting.)

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15 Responses to “Scouts”


  1. 1 Heather B January 24, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Ever since we had this conversation I’ve been trying to hunt down one specific clip of R2D2, but I can’t place which movie it’s from. He suddenly yells, “WoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and starts spinning in circles. I’m pretty sure that’s how the Sabres robot scout responded when he first saw Tyler Myers play. He doesn’t have a very good poker face.

  2. 2 Katebits January 24, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    HAHAHHA! R2D2′s lack of a poker face is why Brian Burke is now sending his (human) scouts to spy on Darcy’s (robot) scouts. :D

  3. 3 Jillian January 24, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    I mean, he appears to be a brain eating zombie….and a furry.

    The whole furries thing is so amusing to me.

  4. 4 Shelby January 24, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    I’m pretty sure if there was a robot on the Sabres it’s Pominville. He talks about the system as if he’ll short circuit when he doesn’t.

  5. 5 Sharpie January 24, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    The clip you are looking for is from The Empire Strikes Back when Lando, Chewbacca, C-2PO, Leah, and R2 are escaping Cloud City and R2-D2 plugs into a power Jack instead of a data port. (I think)

  6. 6 Heather B January 24, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Oooh, Sharpie, that does sound right! I had ESB on my brain, but I couldn’t figure out when. Forgot about Cloud City. I might have to investigate this.

  7. 7 Pookie January 24, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Robot: (whirring back to life) ….a.cord.ing.to.my.cal.cu.la.tions.Drew.Staff.ord.
    is.bett.er.at.hoc.key.than.Ev.gen.i.Malk.in.

    He doesn’t have a very good poker face.

    :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to both of you!

  8. 8 ToonTom January 25, 2010 at 11:19 am

    No robot could have drafted Taro Tsujimoto!

  9. 10 dave in Rocha January 25, 2010 at 11:33 am

    @Heather:

    Or the scout we sent to watch Meyers was like the black Imperial droid at the beginning of ESB. Once it transmitted its message to Darcy it self-destructed to prevent other teams from learning it’s wonderful discovery.

  10. 11 Matt January 25, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    As God is my witness, I will believe for the rest of my days that you’re sending Short Circuit to do your scouting.

    Unless you’ve fallen behind on your mandated, monthly “Short Circuit” viewings, you’ll surely noticed that Johnny 5 is alive!

  11. 12 Mark B January 25, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Loving the Star Wars references, here. If the scout is R2-D2 is Darcy C-3PO? Does he kick the scout when they are in Phoenix (the desert, you know?) and tell him this no time for heroics when he comes gliding by with some really good ideas?

  12. 13 mcguffers January 25, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Kerry Fraser is a douche and this West Coast nonsense is not conducive to my class/sleep schedule.


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