Well, that game wasn’t 100% terrible, I suppose. It was about 50% terrible, and 40% decent, and 10% foxy. Goose getting up in Chara’s grill was foxy, as was the OT penalty kill. The first period was vomit inducing, the second period was feisty, and the third period was butt-clenchingly stressful.
What’s wrong with you guys? Is this all because Crunchy came back down to earth? You revert back to middling when Miller plays like a mortal? That’s kind of gross, you guys.
I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty psyched about the Olympic break.
With (possibly grave) Concern,
THEY ARE PRACTICALLY BEGGING YOU TO MAKE A MOVE. It could NOT be more obvious that it is time to make some adjustments to this team. They are TANKING right before the TRADE DEADLINE. FOR THE LOVE OF LINDY RUFF, LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR TEAM IS TRYING TO TELL YOU.
DO YOU HAVE EYES AND EARS? This team is begging for a shake-up. THEY ARE BEGGING YOU FOR A SHAKE-UP.
Dear Citizens of the United States of America,
Look. You’re going to hear some stuff about Ryan “Crunchy” Miller in the next couple of weeks. Blob Costas on NBC is going to go on and on about how wonderful he is, and how Miller is the man you want between the pipes fighting for the Good Old U-S-of-A. The narrative of Crunchy’s genius is going to be intense.
And you know what? He IS wonderful. He’s interesting, smart and funny. He’s a PERFECTLY adorable weirdo. He’s often brilliant at his job.
But I’ve got some bad news for you, America. Ryan Miller is….not very good lately. I know. It’s a disappointment. The sooner we come to terms with it, the better.
Pray that it doesn’t go to a shootout. Pray hard.
Dear Ryan “Crunchy” Miller,
Just tank it. Play as few games as possible, DON’T GET HURT, and spend the second half of the Olympics sleeping with a variety of exotic athletes in the notoriously raucous Olympic Village.
I’m forgiving you in advance for sucking in the Olympics.
I am begging you, Crunchy, whatever you do, don’t come back more tired/insane/whackadoo than you already are. Just treat this whole experience like a bizarre vacation. Enjoy yourself.
Also, keep your therapist on speed dial.
With love love love,
Dear Tyler Myers,
I’ve been trying to tell you for WEEKS that your neck is too long. I’m surprised you don’t get hit in the neck EVERY game. Skating around with that thing is just asking for trouble.
I’m SUPER glad you’re okay,