The Bills are the worst football team in the history of time and space. Right?
I spent the afternoon practicing my viola while keeping one eye on the muted football game. At some point in the fourth period quarter I realized that for some time I had been sitting in front of the muted television, not practicing, my viola in my lap, with my mouth literally agape. That football was so bad that it was captivating, and then eventually hilarious.
Dude.
Duuuuuude
That was awful.
Every once in awhile, in a desperate attempt to find inspiration, I start nosing around in my blog draft pile. Most of the abandoned posts in my draft pile are there for a reason. They’re unfinished, or unfunny, or just all-around lame- but every once in awhile, I find a post that has somehow aged well. Some bad blog posts are like a fine wine, I guess. For whatever reason, I didn’t like this post enough to publish it when I wrote it, but with a little distance, I find it amusing.
The date on the draft of this post is November 18, 2008. I don’t remember anything happening last season with the Bills that was so dramatically awful that it deserved this treatment, but I think this post corresponds with the Monday Night game against Cleveland. Seriously, I can’t believe I was this dramatic about it.
There is certainly nothing dramatically bad occurring with the Bills right now (other than extreme pre-season suck), and yet, this post seems somehow appropriate. I think this kind of borderline-condescending, pathetic sympathy is just funnier when there is nothing actually bad going on.
Side note: I can’t BELIEVE that Trent Edwards still has this haircut. Honestly, that is some misguided shit, right there.
So, without further ado, here is a blog post originally titled “The Bills Are Suckers, and You’re Too Good For Them”
The Bills Are Suckers, And You’re Too Good For Them, By Kate Bitz
One of the things I think I am good at is helping people through a rough emotional patch. Like, if your boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be a sucker, I’d probably be a good person to call when you want to cry, drink, bitch, or be told you’re too good for him/her. If you want to be indulged in some old fashioned “He was the loooove of my life” style wailing, or just be distracted for the evening, I’m your girl. If you want to cry, I can handle it. If you want to be distracted, I’m willing to be a clown in order to make you laugh. If you want to be unreasonable, I will encourage your outrage until it stops being cathartic, and then I will help to calm you back down. I will indulge you in almost anything just so that you can get from one minute to the next until the pain is not so acute.
So, Bills fans, I say this next thing with love in my heart. I say this as someone who is looking at this situation from the outside, and as someone who has your best interests in mind. There are many things I will allow you to say and do today. You’ve had a really, really rough day, and you deserve to be pissed, depressed, and sad. You’ve earned the right to wallow. You are free to throw temper tantrums, and cry and carry on in all manner of undignified ways, but there is one thing (just one) that I will not indulge.
God does not hate Buffalo, and Buffalo is not cursed. That is hogwash and I won’t stand for it.
Now, let’s go get drunk, hit on bartenders, and cry until we laugh. Come on.
Months after we all got sick of making jokes about him and his alleged public masturbation, HE’S CLEARED OF ALL WRONG DOING. It really WAS mistaken identity, probably with a dash of “unfair racial profiling”, and DEFINITELY with a hearty dose of “unreliable witness”.
I suppose there are worse things that could happen to an innocent man than being accused of masturbating outside the window of an old woman, but as far as false accusations go THIS ONE IS PRETTY BAD.
I hope that McIntyre is the recipient of some kind of delightful karmic compensation for this humiliation, because according to my scorecard, the universe owes this guy. Big time.
I really think everyone needs to calm the eff down about the Terrell Owens stuff.
If you are honestly surprised/shocked/upset by any of this, well, then this is more of a “shame on you” situation.
Let’s just let this silliness role off our backs. This doesn’t have to be a sign of the end of civilization as we know it. This the T.O. Show. It’s nothing. It’s nonsense. It’s absolutely nothing new, and we knew it was coming.
Buffalo needs to buck up, because it’s only going to get worse. People in far away places are going to make fun of us, and we will have the choice to get all worked up, and act all insecure, or, we can have a sense of humor and let it go.
Look, Buffalo is an easy target. We’re easy to make fun of. WHO CARES? They were making fun of us before Terrell Owens got here too. It’s no biggie.
Here are the things that are NOT going to happen:
1. People in the media are not going to stop pushing this. This is money in the bank.
2. Certain Buffalonians are NOT going to stop eating this up. I’m too lazy to do ANY research, but I’m willing to bet that T.O. has caused a big, undignified scene in every town he’s ever played. We are not being uniquely stupid. This stupidity is a worldwide epidemic.
3. T.O. is not going to be a quiet teammate.
This is the circus we signed up for when we said, “Yay! Terrell Owens!” It doesn’t have to consume us and it doesn’t have to make us feel badly about who we are. It’s show business.
Either ignore it, or embrace it, but please don’t act like this is a surprise.
I’ve been thinking a bit about the NFL draft.
I’m not really a football fan. I mean, I watch it when it’s on and surrounded by beer and tasty snacks, but I don’t follow it closely, and I certainly don’t care about the NFL draft. But I do understand the appeal.
Unlike the NHL draft, where the players are drafted as zygotes, and after the draft disappear into Canada to play in juniors (possibly never to be seen or heard from again), the guys in the NFL draft will be on the team next year. If there was a similar NHL draft, and I could be dreaming of a couple of new NHL-ready, beard growing, gritty Sabres, you better believe I’d LOVE that draft. I’d talk about it incessantly, and I’d devote post after post to all the potential ways we could get rid of half the Sabres and replace them with new, foxy college kids.
I can’t possibly be the first person to point this out, but the Bills drafted a player who looks just like the kid from Bad Santa. Bad Santa is one of the most heart warming movies ever made, so I think this bodes well for the Bills.
WIN
And that concludes my in-depth analysis of the 2009 NFL draft. See you next year!
….and when I get home Terrell Owens has his feet up on the coffee table.
There is no way this is going to end well, but honestly, who cares? It really wasn’t going that well in the first place. It will definitely be fun before it gets unbearably insane. Against my better judgment, I’m in.
1. I’m feeling deep sympathy for long time Bills fans today. Yesterday afternoon I actually wrote a whole blog post joking about how I was feeling really maternal towards broken Bills fans, and how I wanted to cradle all of Western New York to my bosom and gently rock everyone to sleep with reassuring shushes and hopeful promises that someday it will all be okay……but then I listened to WGR for a few minutes at the conclusion of the game, and I heard the callers, and I realized that I do NOT want to rock those drunken angry people to sleep against my bosom, so I axed the entire post. I wish Bills fans all the happiness and peace in the world, but the bosom thing is a definite “no go”.
2. It’s amazing how many shifts in attitude one season of hockey can bring. It’s possible that I was infected with an excess of holiday spirit (I love Thanksgiving), but I enjoyed watching the Sabres as much last week as I have at any point since I became a fan. I absolutely loved watching the Sabres last week. I thought they were scrappy, determined, and all-around appealing.
3. I really, really, really, really, really, hope the Sabres scrap the third jersey “schedule” and just wear them at every home game for the remainder of the season. I’ve written in the past about how I don’t hate the buffaslug, but frankly, now that I’ve seen the new jerseys in action at the arena, I never want to see the team in the slug jerseys again. Ever. From the start, I’ve viewed this whole “updated version of the vintage uniform” scheme with unmasked cynicism. I resent the obvious cash grabbing motivations of the Sabres organization and I have no intentions of buying the new jersey. That said, I was unprepared for how much an attractive jersey would add to my Sabres experience. I think the new sweaters look too dark on television, but in person they are freaking glorious. You may now consider me a convert. The slug has got to go.
4. I’ll be at the game tonight. (Anne save some green cotton candy for me, please.) This will be my seventh game already, which is a signifigant increase from my attendance pace from last season. When I bought all these tickets I wasn’t positive that I’d love such a rigorous game schedule, but I do. I love it. I want season tickets, and I want them bad.
Bills fans, treat yourselves gently this week. Take a bubble bath, write in your journals, make sure you get enough sleep. May I suggest a nice warm cup of hot chocolate? It’s important that you remember that there is still a lot of joy in the world.
See?
I’m not going to try to make you feel better about the football situation. While there is still a lot of football left to be played, the Bills have been stinky. It’s true. It’s true that the Bills have been horrendous, and you know what? You deserve better. You are a strong, fun, awesome person, and you shouldn’t let the Bills get you down.
It’s going to be okay. Call me if you need anything. I’m here for you.
Um, that football game was considerably less enjoyable than the games I’ve become accustomed to watching.
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