Big Week

Scene: The Sabres and the Bills are sitting in a cramped room filled with folding chairs. The Bills are sitting on one side of the room in straight lines, patiently waiting for the meeting to begin. The Sabres are sitting on the other half of the room, spread out messily. Many Sabres are leaning back in their chairs. Tim Connolly has his feet up on the folding chair in front of him. Drew Stafford has turned his chair around so that he can play cards with Paetsch who is sitting behind him. The room is filled with chatter and laughter. Katebits enters the room and the noise dies down as she walks up to a podium.

Katebits: You’re probably all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today. You represent the two professional sports teams of Buffalo, the Bills and the Sabres. I have some rather disconcerting news and I wanted to deliver it to you as a group.

(mummer of interest in the room)

Katebits: Please try not to panic as you hear the news. First of all, Bills, congratulations on your four-game winning streak. You’ve exceeded expectations in recent weeks…..which is why I regret to inform you that you have to play…..the New England Patriots this Sunday. On prime time television.

(silence) (The Bills sit quietly, glancing nervously at one another.)

J.P Losman: Yeah, we know. We’ve been preparing for it all week.

(Bills nod in general agreement.)

J.P. Losman: It will be a big challenge, but we’ve been working hard, and our schedule after this game is pretty favorable. We’re excited about the rest of the season!

Katebits: Oh! I’m so glad to hear it!……Well, good. I guess you already knew. (turning to the side of the room where the Sabres are sitting) Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you as well, Sabres.

(Pominville and Roy cling to each other in fear. Crunchy closes his eyes. Vanek pulls his baseball hat down lower over his face.)

Katebits: I am very sorry to have to tell you this….but on Thursday, you have to play the Ottawa Senators.

(Pandemonium erupts. The Sabres leap to their feet in alarm. Toni Lydman kicks over a folding chair. Pommers and Roy start running in panicked circles, knocking heads and freaking out. Brian Campbell puts his head in his hands. Everyone is shouting.)

Pommers: (wailing and rubbing his head which he just knocked into Derek Roy) I DON’T WAAAAANNA PLAY THE SENATORS!

Katebits: (soothingly) And believe me, we don’t want to see you play the Senators, but sadly at this point there is no alternative. Actually, this is a great opportunity for you guys to turn the season around. I know it’s scary, but you can do it. We, the people of Buffalo, believe in you guys. Just try to stay calm, and remember, you’ve beaten the Senators before, you can beat them again.

(The Sabres stare blankly back at Katebits)

Katebits: Seriously. You can do it. Either way, win or lose, you have no choice. You’re playing the Senators. Look at how bravely the Bills are facing the Patriots! (Gestures towards the Bills who are sitting, staring smugly at the Sabres.)

Toni Lydman: As the captain of this team, I accept your challenge, Katebits.

Katebits: Wait. What? This isn’t a challenge. It’s just how the schedule works. You’re scheduled to play the Senators.

Toni Lydman: Whatever. I hate being captain.

Katebits: (with loud dramatic sigh) Listen, just play hard on Thursday, alright?

Toni Lydman: Do you see the stitches on my face, Katebits?

Katebits: (with wry smile) Point taken, Toni Lydman. Good luck, boys.

END SCENE

Buffalo Bill Fan Appreciation Day

The Bills are bad. I think this is the one thing we can all agree on here in Buffalo. The win on Monday Night would have been an awesome mood boost for the city. Nothing more. It would have been a zany miracle.

I can’t even believe that happened. Not that they almost won on Monday Night Football, and then ultimately lost, but that it happened on the very day I declared I was going to take the happy route about sports. God is clearly testing me. Can I find the bright spot after a game that caused me to burst into tears?

Yes, I can. It’s only football after all.

Watching the game on television, I was so proud of the city for showing up in full force. Drunk, obnoxious, completely insane, and full of totally inexplicable hope. We put on a great show for Monday Night Football. Our football team might suck, but our people are bold and brave. The Buffalo Bills Fan deserves a day of recognition, for being there, year after year, daring to believe.

In celebration of Buffalo Bills Fan Appreciation Day, I would like to offer the fans, this pyramid of Blue Light……

Drink it all up. You’ll feel better.

…….and this Feng Shui for Dummies book:

It’s time we get serious about our city-wide, bad feng shui.

I haven’t been living here long enough to have earned my stripes as a long suffering Bills fan, but last night I sustained my first real battle injury, and like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, my love for Buffalo swelled to fill the gaping wound.

 

Monday Night Football Broke My Heart

Part of me thinks: Hell, that was almost four hours of top-notch entertainment. They were supposed to get blown out of the water. They had no business being in that game. For almost FOUR HOURS we thought maybe the Bills were going to pull of a miracle.

On the other hand……

Ouch. Our poor hearts.

Farewell

In his first NFL start, rookie QB Trent Edwards ruined the Buffalo Bills projected 0-16 season, and lead the battered Bills to a 17-14 win over the New York Jets.

So J.P, I imagine this is goodbye.   Goodbye, you handsome, tree planting, garbage collecting, Buffalo loving, lunkhead.  While I’m not sure you’re welcome to quarterback the Bills, you are always welcome to grab a garbage bag and clean up the Eastside.  I totally like you and I wish things had worked out differently.  Call me if you ever need to talk.

38-7

Listen, when I left for work this afternoon it was the 2nd quarter, and the Bills were winning 3-7. I did my part by keeping the Bills in the game while I was watching. I’m not sure what the hell happened while I was at work, but clearly I cannot trust the rest of WNY to properly tend to the football game. I often work on Sunday, so you all are going to have to pick up the slack here.

This one is on you guys.

:D

Thank god hockey is back.

Kevin Everett

Yesterday the punchline of my post was that, “Football is sad”. At the time, I was jokingly referring to the outcome of the game.

What a difference a day makes.

Buffalo Bill, Kevin Everett is under medical sedation after a surgery to correct a severe spinal injury he sustained during yesterday’s game. The prognosis does not look good. Although it will be several days before doctors can determine the extent of the damage, it is unlikely that Everett will ever walk again.

It’s so incredibly sad. I wish you the best, Kevin.

Football

The problem with sports is when your team doesn’t win.

I watched the entire Bills game this afternoon and I was surprisingly entertained, but the game was exciting in the worst possible way. The Bills were ahead until the last nanosecond when the Broncos sent a field goal team out to win the game with the clock running out. It was really not very much fun if you were rooting for the Bills. Not only did the Bills lose at home, but some poor dude broke his ankle, and some other poor dude got hauled away in an ambulance.

Conclusion: Football is sad.

Hee. I’m just kidding. Football is okay, but honestly, I don’t think I need the aggravation of the Bills. It wasn’t the disappointment that I minded, it was the deeply felt bitterness. Is it possible to be a Bills fan without that horrible strangled feeling in your throat? I’m at a vulnerable stage in my Buffalo sports fandom. I’m still an innocent. I might not be ready for this.