My Approach

One of the things that amuses me about my new fascination with sports is that I have very little context in which to place all this new information. This has created a funny situation where I’m purposefully approaching sports from a rather quirky angle. I mean, even if I stay ravenously interested in sports for the next twenty years, I’ll still never be “caught up”, so why even bother? I like how I can digest this stuff at my own pace and according to my own tastes.

Take Friday for example.

I was listening to the radio and some guy filling in for Jim Rome was interviewing a football player named Tony Gonzalez. Now, I’m sure that many of you have heard of Tony Gonzalez, and you probably have a variety of opinions about him and his football playing. Friday was the first I had ever heard of this guy, so it was with some interest that I listened to him talking about his non-legal, spiritually binding marriage, and a crazy story about saving a guy’s life by administering the Heimlich Maneuver in a restaurant. (Weirdo commitment ceremonies? Heroic deeds? A vegan football player? Sign me up, Tony Gonzalez!) I totally liked what I heard from Tony Gonzalez, enough so that I decided to look him up this morning on the interwebs.

Here’s how my “I want to learn about Tony Gonzalez” process went:

1. Google him. Results: Meh. Boring. This is all about football. Ew.

2. Google image search him. Results: Hmm. Interesting. Tony Gonzalez is fetching.

3. Read his Wikipedia page. Results: Totally boring. This is not the information I seek.

4. Go to SportSquee to Read “The Girls’ Guide To Football: Kansas City Chiefs” Results: Rats! There is no such Girls’ Guide! I poke around SportSquee until I realize there is no one besides Margee that I trust to tell me the truth about Tony Gonzalez. (The question being: Is he actually cool? Or is he secretly lame?) I’m sure she knows the truth, so I emailed her.

5. Wait around for Margee to get back to me. (I’ll let you know what she says.)

______

It’s an amazing age we live in, isn’t it?

In short, I am the type of sports fan who spends tons of money on sports. I read and write about sports everyday. I very carefully assess the sports media, and I have clear ideas about what I like and what I don’t like. I think about hockey almost every single day even though it’s July; at the same time, I have no idea where ESPN is on my cable dial and I almost completely ignore my local paper’s extensive coverage of my favorite sports team.

One of the things that I like about sports is that it is news, but it’s not really that important. I keep one wary eye on politics and international news, but I’m a bit embarrassed to say, I only do it out of a sense of duty. I feel a certain grim responsibility to keep track of the real news. I don’t feel this sense of responsibility towards sports. I follow sports because I enjoy it, and if I ever stop enjoying it I’ll simply stop paying attention, and I’ll do so without a single speck of guilt.

I love how all this adds up to getting to turn to SportSquee when I want to get to the bottom of the situation. Just to be clear, I’m not being even remotely sarcastic. I love that “sports” is this massive topic that I can attack with the most hilarious, whimsical weapons in my arsenal.

Sports are fun.

Summer Heals All Wounds

Filed away on my WordPress dashboard, I have a whole bunch of drafts of posts that never got published. The reasons for their unpublishability are varied. Some of them were too angry, some weren’t funny enough, and some just never got finished. Every once in awhile, when I’m hard up for fresh TWC content (like today, for example) I go to the draft pile to see if there is anything salvageable.

I just found something that made me giggle. It was written in late February, and it’s titled “I Hate All Of You”. It’s a complete list of the Sabres and the main reason that I hate that particular guy. I made the right decision by not publishing it because the tone of the post is all over the place. A lot of the reasons are light-hearted, but some of them are legitimately cranky, and a few of them are downright toxic. In the fancy-free summertime I can’t really remember why I would say such mean things about the Sabres. It made me laugh to read something so cranky when I’m so far removed from my feelings of crankiness.

Here are some of the more amusing reasons I hated the Sabres in late February:

Dimitri Kalinin: Your head is upsettingly square.

Nathan Paetsch: Your last name is hard to spell, and that pisses me off.

Paul Gaustad: You’re not doing enough to save the environment.

Toni Lydman: Stop taking bong hits before the games.

Jaroslav Spacek: Screw you.

(I think the Spacek one is particularly poignant.)

Jason Pominville: Um…..Okay fine. I adore you.

Jochen Hecht: You look like a goddamn duck when you speak.

________

I’m going to do us all a favor and spare the internet the more legitimately hateful reasons for hating the Sabres. It’s summer! I loooove the Sabres in July!

Oh For Fun!

I started this blog in mid-August last year, and by December, my personal blog, Oh For Fun, was kaput. When I gave myself permission to let Oh For Fun fall by the wayside, it felt like the right choice as I was devoting a ton of time to TWC. I mean, how many blogs can I reasonably tend to on a daily basis? For me, the answer to that question is one. One blog is plenty.

I’ve begun the herculean task of moving Oh For Fun from typepad (which costs me money), to WordPress (which is beautiful and free). If I can make one recommendation to people considering starting a blog it would be to PLEASE choose a hosting company that is free. A free blog can sit unattended for years, without any pressure to remove it or any temptation to just stop paying. If I stop paying for Oh For Fun, it will disappear. So, I opened an account for OFF on WordPress, and I am now meticulously transferring all the photos, one by one, to flickr. (Isn’t this a riveting post so far? I bet you just can’t wait to find out what happens next!)

Anyhoo, because of this never ending project, I’ve been reading a lot of Oh For Fun, and you know what? I kind of miss it. Writing about hockey is a real chore during the off-season. I miss the carefree days of just blabbing about whatever popped into my head.

I’ve come to two conculsons here:

1. I’m going to blog about whatever I feel like on TWC, regardless of whether or not it has anything to do with sports. Get ready.

2. Over the summer, I’ll periodically post things here on TWC that originally appeared on Oh For Fun. This will encourage me to keep working towards my goal of getting OFF fully transfered to WordPress, and it will solve the pesky problem of my eternal laaaaaziness. I really try to have new content everyday here on TWC, but you know what? It’s really nice outside. It’s summertime. There’s no hockey. There are cold beers to drink.

I only ask that if you decide to check out the Oh For Fun archives, you cut me a little slack about the most recent posts. I was reeeeally struggling to keep OFF going towards the end, and those last few posts represent pretty desperate times.

Not Closed For the Season

Well, that’s it for hockey. For four months.

See you in October.

Heh. Just kidding.

This is the time of year when I cut my teeth as a fan and as a hockey blogger. I started this blog on August 11th, deep in the midst of a dark, dark Sabres offseason. In addition to the absence of hockey, I had to contend with the fact that I’d seen very little hockey up to that point. Yeah that’s right. I started a hockey blog while there was no hockey occurring, and when I had seen less than twenty hockey games in my entire life. But look! It all worked out, more or less. No one was injured at least. My point here is that I am quite comfortable blogging during the offseason. I’m looking forward to it, in fact. I’m sure that come August, I’ll be desperate for the return of real hockey, but for now, I’m pleased to consider the creative freedom the offseason provides.

Right now I have three things planned for the summer:

1. I’ll be presenting Season 2 of Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition, which last year hilariously yielded Maxim Afinogenov as KFS. Yeah….that lasted for about a week. The selection process has gotten exponentially more sophisticated since last summer (when I basically judged the entire thing on their roster photos), so you can rest assured that by the start of next season, a more lasting Favorite Sabre will be crowned.

2. I’ll be blogging the Olympics. I heart the Olympics. Big time. Plus, August is dark for the BPO, so I literally have nothing to do during the Olympics except for blog. In August, I’ll have no job, and no money. It’s the perfect situation for sitting around writing snarky posts about each and every freestyle gymnastics ribbon twirling routine. You can expect the Olympic coverage to be extremely extensive. Obsessive, even. We here at TWC will watch every single archery match, so that you don’t have to.

3. Last, but CERTAINLY not least, the readers of TWC will enjoy a complete and utter free agency emotional MELTDOWN. I essentially began my hockey boyhood during the ramp up to free agency ‘07, and then I became a man during the gory aftermath of the co-captain’s departure. Some of you enjoyed years of carefree hockey fandom as children with nary a thought given to free agency- but not me. Oh no, I became a hockey fan while devouring every available piece of media about the departures of Chris Drury and Daniel Briere. I may seem like an innocent, but I assure you, I have wallowed in the trenches of free agency despair, and I am not an innocent. Free agency panic is my bread and butter. (I’ve basically been fretting about Ryan Miller non-stop since last July. Ask HeatherB.) Now granted, this will be a difficult offseason to create dramatic panic, even for me. We don’t have a lot on the line this summer in terms of UFAs, but you can count on me to satisfy all of your “SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT DMITRI KALININ AND MIKE RYAN? THE SABRES ARE DOOMED AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE,” needs.

So that’s about it. Free agency, Olympics, and Kate’s Favorite Sabre. Obviously these three things will not provide four months of daily material, so if you have any requests for what you’d like to read about this summer, by all means, request away. I’ll do my best to be accommodating.

House Hunting With TWC

You may have noticed that things have slowed down a bit around here in the last few days. This is because TWC is in the process of searching for a new evil lair house. This will be my first go at home buying, so I’m being all antsy and ridiculously enthusiastic. Hopefully I’ll either find my dream lair soon, or I’ll chill out so that I can concentrate on other things, because right now the searching is taking up most of my mental energy. (You may have already noted that I have a small mental capacity.)

Anyhoo, this is a super long shot, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to toss it out there:

If you, or someone you know is thinking about selling a home, please call me before you call a real estate agent! I am looking for a house south of Forest Ave, and north of Edwards. I am not afraid of the west side of Richmond, but I am afraid of the east side of Main. I don’t have a ton of money, and I’m looking for something smallish. My dream is to nab a cute little carriage house somewhere, but if I have to buy a double and be someone’s lazy landlord, then so be it. I’m willing to do a lot of back breaking cosmetic labor, but I’m not too into projects like new roofs or pipes. If you or someone you loved foolishly glued linoleum to hard wood floors, I’m willing to forgive you long enough to buy your house, but if you or someone you loved didn’t do basic upkeep on your house and now it’s a falling down pile of poo, then it’s not the house for me. Basically, I don’t want to have to build my own house.

Do you have a carriage house? Don’t you think it would be fun to have me living in your back yard?

I realize that historically, very few people have found their dream lair via their Sabres blog, but very few people even have Sabres blogs, so I hardly think this is a fair sample size. I predict that in the future people will be starting Sabres blogs with the soul purpose of eventually using it as a vehicle for locating their dream lair home.

The TWC reader who provides the tip that leads to the purchase of my lair will receive my undying devotion and a bundle of cash and prizes to be determined later.

Ryan Miller, Blogging Extraordinaire, Part III

Let’s face it, Crunchy’s blog got a little boring there for awhile. It was all, “Blah blah playoff analysis, blah blah blah goalie pads, blah blah hockey blah blah.” He refuses to talk smack, and I have yet to read a single tell-all tale about a Sabre gone wild. It’s almost as if doesn’t want us to know all of his personal business, or something. I did, however, get a kick out of his response to the fabulous Maal’s question about the possibility of the Sabres signing Crunchy’s BFF, John Michael-Liles this summer. (Liles is a defenseman, currently on the Avs, but he will be a free agent soon.)

“John Michael is free to do as he pleases come July 1, and he would fit in great where we once had Brian Campbell. JM is a great skater and power play guy, just like Brian. We will see. John is in a great position to make a decision for himself and he has earned that right. We will have to wait to see how it plays out. A new coach in Colorado is a factor now.“

Is it just me, or is Crunchy publicly advocating that the Sabres try to get his BFF in free agency? I love it! Sadly, I kind of doubt that Darcy Regier reads Maxim. It’s too bad, because signing Liles seems like a legitimately good idea to me. The Sabres kind of need some better defense, and they REALLY need to keep Ryan Miller happy. Not only would this keep him happy, but it would also, in effect, trap him here. Imagine if Ryan convinces Liles to sign in Buffalo, and then leaves. You can’t leave your BFF marooned in Buffalo alone! It’s just not done. If the Sabres signed Liles, Crunchy would HAVE to re-sign, or risk seriously pissing off his BFF.

I would KILL to have either of my BFFs, Courtney or Ashley, living in Buffalo. In fact, I would happily take a discount on my own salary to make it happen, especially if my salary was in the millions of dollars. I mean, how many millions of dollars do you really need when you have your BFF nearby?

Aww, now I miss Ashley and Courtney.

Wasting Money is Fun!

The stat nerds are all atingle about a new website called Hockey-Reference.

I can not possibly emphasize enough how much I do NOT care about stats. Stats are just gibberish to me. For example, if you’re going to try and tell me that Thomas Vanek is a more valuable hockey player than Paul Gaustad, you’d better come armed with some more compelling evidence than just a line of numbers. I don’t care how many goals he scores, until Vanek starts encouraging me to recycle by holding a tin can up to his face, I’m going to choose Goose every time. It’s just plain common sense, people.

My point here is that I have no use for a website filled with hockey stats. No use at all. I do however like spending my money on goofy and frivolous things. The big hook with Hockey-Reference is that you can sponsor a player, and then put a link and a message on their stat page. I might not care about stats, but I care very MUCH about leaving silly messages in funny places to amuse my fellow hockey fans. This is ALL the rage with hockey bloggers. It’s like hockey blogger peer pressure. Everyone is doing it. Dr. James Mirtle started it. HeatherB did it. Kevin wants to marry it. I resisted for about 24 hours before I decided I HAD to have my own Sabre.

But who to choose?

My first instinct was Goose or Crunchy, but the boys over at The Goose’s Roost got to Goose before me (Private to The Goose’s Roost: This is WAR! Do you hear me, Goose’s Roost?! I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! NEVER!), and Crunchy is 40 dollars. Most of the players are $10, but a few of the fancier, more popular guys are $40. Now, I like throwing my money away as much as the next girl, but 40 smackers is a bit steep for Crunchy. Plus, Crunchy isn’t a very fun choice for this game, and I’m CERTAIN he wouldn’t approve of whatever ridiculous message I wrote on his page. (I have this idea in my head that all the players will dash to Hockey-Reference to see who has sponsored them.) Choosing Crunchy would probably lead to him suing me and Hockey-Reference for “defamation of character” and for “unlawful use of cutesie nicknames”. No, Ryan Miller won’t do. I briefly considered Toni Lydman, but his magnificence transcends “stats”, so it doesn’t seem appropriate to sponsor his stat page. I also considered sponsoring Chris Drury just so that I could write, “Little League World Serieses and Stanley Cups are not the same thing. Chris Drury is a SLAG-FACED WHORE” on his page, but I decided against contributing such ugliness to the otherwise pure world of stats.

In the end it all worked out, because I’m extremely pleased with the player I decided to sponsor…

……LINDY RUFF!

Lindy is perfect! He’s all-around awesome, he’s got attractive baby-chick hair, and (most importantly) he’s a True Sabre. What’s not to love about Lindy? Nothing, that’s what. He’s completely lovable in every way, and now he belongs to me.

(I guess I was feeling sort of old timey, because there was one other guy I just couldn’t resist. Hee.)

Ryan Miller: Blogging Extraordinaire Part II

Due to some viola related obligations I will not be watching much hockey over the next few days. Not watching hockey makes blogging about hockey somewhat difficult. Because I’m lazy and feeling uncreative today, I would like to redirect your attention to the blogging stylings of Mr. Crunchy Miller. (It’s possible that Ryan’s blog is Not Safe For Work. It’s on the Maxim website, which, in addition to housing Crunchy’s blog, also houses many pictures of barely concealed boobs. I’m sure you’ve got no beef with boobs, but your employer might, so tread carefully.)

The Highlights

On being at Madison Square Garden for G3 of the Pens/Rangers series:

We had a very nice view of a devastating game for the Rangers.

Ha! Brutal and awesome. Crunchy at his finest. I am choosing to read this as, “Katebits, I hate the Rangers as much as you. Probably more.” I’m sure we can all agree that any view of Rangers devastation is “nice”. Heh.

On the real purpose of his visit to NYC:

So now on to the reason I was in NYC… goalie equipment!!! (key scary orchestra music and lighting – camera zooms in quickly on petrified faces of hockey fans – hold for dramatic effect) It should sound so much more ominous than just ”Goalie equipment.” I think it needs a tough or scary name since it is always the villain in the story.

I love this. First of all, it’s downright silly in tone. Second of all, he uses the mental image of an orchestra to make his point. That’s a shout-out, right? Right?

In closing, this is what we’ve learned:

1. Crunchy is awesome. (We knew this already.)
2. Crunchy is funny. (Huh. Go figure.)
3. Crunchy is a legitimately good blogger. (STUNNING REVELATION)

Just Some Stuff

I love the Pens and the Stars. After a year of being emotionally battered by the Sabres, and then the recent failure of the Habs to quickly and easily defeat my enemies, I am LOVING the juggernauty safety of the Stars and the Pens. I’m not going to lie, all I really want is a good bandwagon. I want to cheer for a winning team. This is all hollow and meaningless without the Sabres, so I might as well just label the best teams “my favorites” and enjoy the ride.

In other news, I wrote a Frequently Asked Questions page which can be found in the top menu bar. I’ve been meaning to write a FAQ page for awhile, putting it off because I thought it would be a big annoying chore, but when push came to shove I really couldn’t think of too much to write about. Perhaps I’ve been overestimating the complexity of the TWC universe. Hee.

Crunchy’s Awesome Blog

I’m sure most of you know that Crunchy has his very own blog over at Maxim. I’ll admit then when I first heard about the blog I was mildly annoyed, because Ryan Miller is clearly trying to steal my thunder. I mean, first he shows up to play a concert with the BPO, and then he starts a blog? Is he going all Single White Goalie on me? BUT, once I got over feeling threatened, I realized that Crunchy is writing a pretty darn interesting blog. Leave it to Ryan Miller to pen a totally earnest and charmingly revealing blog….for Maxim. When Maxim asked him to do this they were probably like, “Hey! Why don’t you write about your wacky exploits as a rich, single, professional athlete?”, and then Crunchy was like, “Sure. I actually have some feelings about the season I still need to work out. This will give me an excellent opportunity to communicate with my fans on my terms. I just want to be the best off-season blogger I can be.” (Or perhaps I’m reading too much into things….but I think that’s highly unlikely. When have I ever over-thought something Sabres related?)

Here are my favorite things he’s written so far:

(about the tradition of shaking hands at the end of a playoff series):

There are some players you want to beat because it is a great challenge… And there are others that you think “I can’t wait to shake his hand after I beat him.” And there is no classier way to boast than smiling and shaking their hand and skating off to the next round. Simple and effective…

(about cheering for his friends on other teams):

I want them to have success and when they play me I want them to have a good showing… But no points or wins to show for it.

I love how honest he is about his borderline nutso competitiveness, and I love how he totally admits that he wants his friends to have success….but not actual success. You really have to love Ryan Miller.

Thanks for writing such an awesome blog, Crunchy!