GMbits

I spent all of Sunday lounging around in dark clothing, applying very heavy black eyeliner, listening to Morrissey, and cursing the day I ever heard of the sport “hockey”.   This season has worn me down, and now I’m just a pathetic, angry emo hockey fan.  (I’m actually not sure about the technical definition of “emo”.  That’s how old I am.  I think it means “mopey and obnoxious,” both of which, I ASSURE YOU, I am.)

Last season, my first as a fan, had a certain…enjoyable hysteria that I found amusing, even when the Sabres were floundering.  This year is different.  This year it’s just bland, middling, average, not very good, beige, boring, disappointing, and uninspired.

So there I was, feeling miserable, and trying to avoid calling Blobby, when I wandered over to Sabretooth’s House.  Anne has a great post up now.  Her point is that the Sabres are extremely lucky to have fallen apart now rather than later because it’s not too late for this season. It’s practically trade deadline day! This is the time of year when we should be dreaming of BIG CHANGE.

Now look.  I defended Darcy during the co-captain debacle.  I attributed almost all of last season to “growing pains” and fallout from “locker room instability”.  I LOVED this team, I believed in this team, and I wanted nothing more than for “the core” to sign lifetime contracts in Buffalo.  But…..I’m over it now.

I know the Sabres have been dealt a rough hand as far as injuries go, but I don’t think a good team would fold up at the first sign of adversity.   The Sabres aren’t a terrible team, they’re just not that good.  I’m not sure how much more evidence we need.   This team has no oomph, no shaZAM, no juicy center. The entire organization just seems flaccid and impotent.  (Yeah, I said it Timmy.)

So, what to do?

I spent the weekend writing in various comment threads that I think the team needs to be dismantled.  I’ve backed off from that a bit.   I don’t think the team needs to be sold off, but I do think the locker room needs a good shake-up.  Now, I’m not suggesting we should cash in all our NHL-caliber dudes for a pile of picks and prospects, but I do think this team needs at least one bold roster change.  Let’s freak these little jerks out a bit.  Save for Miller, Gaustad (because I love him), Vanek, and Butler (because I have a good feeling about him), I don’t think there is any Sabre that should be considered untouchable.

What, for example, would Jason Pominville fetch?

Because of the way Darcy filled the holes left behind by Briere and Drury (he didn’t), Sabres fans have a tendency to assume that losing a guy means we will suddenly have a hole in the lineup.  By that way of thinking, if we were to trade Pommer, we’d need one of the Pirates to step up and be our new doodle.  Trouble is, relying on the kids from Portland is a waiting game, and the Sabres really don’t have the time to spare anymore.  If there is one thing I know, it’s that this organization needs new (grown-up, MANLY) blood.  What if – and this is going to blow your mind- Darcy traded Jason Pominville (or whoever), and got a proven commodity in exchange?

Briere and Drury didn’t come up through the system.  They were the result of some shrewd trading.

All I ever hear about around here is how Darcy is some kind of mad genius when it comes to trades and finding the diamonds in the rough.  Well, GET ON IT, DUDE!   You found a way to get Craig Rivet in a Sabres uniform- let’s see what else you can do.  But Darcy, let me warn you, if you trade Tim Connolly away and then try to tell me Nathan Gerbe will be his replacement, it’s over between us.  O-VER.

The Conditions Are Right…..

……for voting!

Let’s look at the evidence (also make sure you look at the update at the end of this post):

1. Ryan Miller posted TWO shutouts IN A ROW!  TWO! And not the sarcastic “Ryan Miller shutouts” where he actually let in a lazy goal at the end.  TWO ACTUAL GAMES IN WHICH NO PUCKS ENTERED HIS NET!

2. Craig Rivet is back!  My friend Daniel (who is not really a hockey fan.  [I'm working on him, but it's tough.....he's from Kentucky.]) recently told that me that he was very disappointed when he learned that Craig Rivet’s name was pronounced “Ri-vay”.  Apparently, he thought our captain’s last name was the English pronunciation of “rivet”.  Daniel think we should be calling Rivet, “The Steel Riv-it”.  You know what?  I think Daniel is absolutely right, and I can’t believe no one else has mentioned this before.  I mean, here’s the definition of “riveting”:

1. To fasten or secure with or as if with a rivet.
2. To hammer the headless end of so as to form a head and fasten something.
3. To fasten or secure firmly; fix.
4. To engross or hold (the attention, for example).

That kind of describes Rivet perfectly, right?   He showed up in Buffalo and fixed the Sabres by joining everyone together as a cohesive unit.  Plus, he’s riveting in that we are all held in rapt attention when he is in the lineup.

My point here is that I believe we should start purposefully mispronouncing Craig Rivet’s name so that we may call him “The Steel Rivet”.  It’s a badass nickname and it suits him.

3. Timmy skated without a helmet IN AN NHL GAME for several seconds, and he did not die.  If that’s not an omen of good fortune, I don’t know what is.

4.  Last night Lindy was wearing a suit and tie that perfectly coordinated with his yellow hair and mustache.  I love it when Lindy dresses to match his yellow hair.

Stud.

So, as you can PLAINLY see, there has never been a better time to vote than today.  Conditions are perfect.

VOTE!

UPDATE: At the suggestion of the frequently hilarious Reigning Frog, we have called an official TWC VOTE!  Please cast your vote now on this important issue: SHOULD LINDY RUFF’S NEW NICKNAME BE COLONEL MUSTARD?  This may be the most important vote you will ever cast, people.

Adam Mair’s Charm School For Bloggers

Katebits: Adam, I recently realized that I am TOTALLY confused about the Buffalo Sabrgosphere.  There are, like, a hundred million Sabres blogs out there!  I don’t even think I know about all the Sabres blogs anymore.  My blogroll is a mess.

Adam: Maintaining a tidy blogroll is important for any blogger who hopes to make a good impression.

Katebits: I do want to make a good impression!

Adam: And that’s why you’ve come to Adam Mair’s Charm School For Bloggers?

Katebits:  Yes. I’m looking for tips on blogging etiquette.

Adam:  I would be happy to assist you with that, Ms. Katebits.  First of all, I commend you for making this effort to become a well mannered blogger.

Katebits:  Thanks.  I try to be classy.  I mean, I’m not very good at being classy….but I try.

Adam: (gets out a leather bound notebook and fancy feather pen)  Alright, in what area of blogging do you feel you need the most guidance?

(Adam begins jotting down notes as Katebits speaks)

Katebits: Well, like I said, there are so many Sabres blogs now that I’ve gotten WAY behind in my efforts to keep track of them, much less read them all.  I spent a few minutes updating my blogroll today, and I realized there are 29 active Sabres blogs right now.  TWENTY NINE! And those are just the ones I KNOW about!  I need help keeping track of all the Sabres blogs so that I can enjoy them and link to them when appropriate.

Adam: (looking up notebook with a disapproving gaze) Katebits, if you want to be viewed as a lady of impeccable taste and high breeding you can’t have that many links in your blogroll.  It makes you look…oh heavens…how can I put this tactfully?…..well, to be perfectly frank it makes you look….easy.  A blogroll of this size is unseemly!  If you want to maintain a reputation as a woman of high moral fiber, some of those blogs have to go.

Katebits: Really?  But they’re all Sabres blogs!  I love Sabres blogs!  I could never choose!  No, I’m afraid my policy must remain: If you’re writing a Sabres blog and you’ve been regularly updating for a few weeks, send me an email and I’ll put you on the blogroll.

Adam: I say, this type of permissive policy simply will not do!  What about gossipy blogs about the player’s lives?  I suppose your blogroll is FULL of gossip blogs!

Katebits: Well, first of all, that’s not really our style.  Bloggers like to leave the unsightly gossip for the (sniffing in exaggerated disgust) message boards. Plus, not to be rude or anything, but no one really cares that much about your real lives, Adam.

Adam: What?!  I find that insulting!

Katebits: (cooly) Hm.  Well then, I apologize.

Adam: I’m not sure I can accept that apology.

Katebits: Why ever not?

Adam: I think that perhaps only a JOKE would say such a thing.

Katebits: Are you calling me a joke?

Adam: Perhaps I am!  Yes, I believe I am!  I think you, Katebits, are a joke.

Katebits: (getting angry) Oh, YEAH?  Well, what are you going to do about it?

Adam: I shall make you pay!  (rubbing a smelly hockey glove in Katebits’ face) YOU’RE A JOKE!

(Katebits and Adam start brawling until they are broken up by Sabretooth and members of the local media who happen to be filming the entire encounter.)

The End

(Moral of the story: Don’t go to Adam Mair for etiquette lessons, and if you want to be on the blogroll, send me an email.)

Friendly Reminder

Dear Sabres,

Are you taking proper care of your fingers and thumbs? Hand digit health is of the utmost importance.  I know it seems like fingers and thumbs are no big deal, but it turns out, you need them to play hockey.  So, take your finger steroids vitamins please.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Katebits

Intervention

Dear Buffalo,

Giiiiirl, you need to pull it together. Listen, there is not a damn thing you can do about these Sabres, so how about you take a deep breath and try to relax? I know it’s really hard not to get sucked into all the dirty drama surrounding the team and their craptastic play, but honestly, what good does it do you? None. Larry Quinn is an asshole, Darcy is a sad-sack, the players are slackers, the management sucks, Lindy is too soft, blah blah blah blah BLAH. Do you feel any better now? No. You feel worse, don’t you? Dwelling too much on this team is like drinking poison. How about you stop calling into sports radio talk shows and instead play a little Guitar Hero, maybe have a glass of wine. Chill.

With Love,

Katebits

PS- If they are still sucking this hard in a few weeks, we’ll T.P. their houses.

Sabres Meditation

I’m feeling much better now guys. I think I know what happened. You see, I got too excited after the 10-1 win. Due to the unexpected surge of love for hockey, my chakras and my heart space were wide open going into the Leafs game, which is why it was so painful when the Sabres phoned it in. But thanks to some good advice in the comments, and a fun, football-filled day away from hockey, I think I am ready to face the Sabres again. I have spent the last day building an impenetrable fortress around my heart, a wall so mighty that no Sabre will ever be able to cross my defenses again. (Well, okay Pommers, you can come in, but hurry quick before Roy-Z sees the open door.)

Please press play on this video and listen to the music as you read the rest of this post:

I feel that the lessons I have learned this weekend can be of service to my readers. It is my dream that my journey can help many of you come to terms with your own feelings of hockey disillusionment. I have devised a guided meditation to heal your soul and reintroduce Sabres hockey in a safe and soothing environment. As you view these images, let your mind relax. I recommend focusing on each image for 3-5 seconds, moving on only when you feel ready. If you find yourself becoming unrelaxed, don’t panic, simply return to the previous image until you have returned to calm. (All images lazily stolen from cuteoverload.)

Good. Now begin scrolling down through the images. Good luck!

Ahhh. You are feeling veeery relaxed.

The world is full of delight.

Breath in. Breath out.

Baby Goose and Pommerdoodle cannot hurt you.

Breath in. Breath out.

You are safe and comfortable. You are cradled in the universe’s love.

The world provides unexpected pleasures.

Remember the Ice Bowl? That was a great day.

Hockey doesn’t have to hurt, even when they lose.

Breath in. Breath out.

Enthusiasm is healthy.

Aww, happy Crunchy is cute.

Baby Vanek cannot hurt you.

Breath in. Breath out.

Take solace in friendship. You are not alone.

Relax your mind. Let the images wash over you.

Let’s start with some easy ones.

I can’t remember who this kid is, but maybe he’ll be a Sabre someday.

Awesome.

ACK! TOO SOON! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

************

I think that’s enough for today. Good job. We were doing great there, right up until the very end. Even though we are not completely healed, I do feel we are rehabilitated enough to face the 4pm game versus the Coyotes.

Go Sabres! (assholes)

(Special thanks to Stephany for emailing me the hilarious Amerks yearbook photos of Goose and Pommers!)

 

Tough Love

One of the things that I love about writing this blog is that it challenges me to find, if not the bright side, than at least the funny side of whatever steaming pile of poo the Sabres are currently serving. I think that most of the time I’m up to the task, but lately, oh daddy, lately, things have been tough. Ten game losing streak. Soupy’s threatening to go off the reservation. The natives are all up in arms. Can’t score. Vanek is a mess. Everyone is injured. Lindy is….something.

These are the day that days that try blogger’s souls.

I think that some of the Sabres are just being brats now. Get out the child psychology books, because these guys need their heads examined. We’ve got a bunch of boys acting up, but let’s not give them the attention they so desperately seek. It’s time for some firm guidance.

Yeah, yeah, I see you there, Soupy, but I’m not impressed with your antics. Tim Connolly, I GET IT, your groin hurts. Yes, that must be awful for you. Poor, poor Timmy and his broken groin! Petey, until you learn to play like a big boy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put you on a time out. Roy-Z, just……zip it. Nah! You heard me! ZIP. IT. Vanek, didn’t anybody ever teach you that money can’t buy happiness? Don’t come back here until you’ve given away a million dollars. Go! Now! Lindy……Lindy, Lindy, Lindy. Lindy, you need to take this megaphone, and yell at them until they listen. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to get MY megaphone and yell at YOU until you listen. Got it? Goose, Mairsy, Pie….good work….here’s a cookie. Crunchy, I’m putting you in charge until I get back.

The Solution

Scene: Lindy Ruff’s hotel room. Lindy and Darcy Regier are sitting with Ryan Miller. Lindy and Darcy are sitting on one side of the desk, and Ryan Miller is sitting on the other.

Crunchy: What are we doing here, guys? I’m exhausted. Tonight was supposed to be my night off and instead I get dragged into the worst game I’ve ever been a part of. I just want to go to sleep and try to forget about the L.A. Kings.

Regier: I know that tonight was not the game we were hoping for.

Crunchy: (death glare)

Regier: Listen, Ryan, I’m going to cut right to the chase. We want to talk about your contract.  I realize that the team, as it currently stands….is not necessarily appealing for you. We want to find out what it would take, to make you happy.

Crunchy: (raising his eyebrow [the whompy one]) Listen, I’m not going to negotiate my contract without my agent, plus I’m really pissed off. I can’t deal with this right now.  This isn’t even legal.  We can’t discuss my contract until next season….and you better fucking believe you are going to pay top dollar if you want to keep me.  Top. Dollar.

Lindy: (gently) No, you don’t understand son.

Regier: (leaning in towards Crunchy) Ryan, we want to know which of the Sabres you feel comfortable having in front of you. We want you to sign this piece of paper, legally binding you to the team, and in exchange, you can tell us which of your teammates you want to keep, and which you want to get rid of.

Crunchy: (perking up with surprise) Wait. I can tell you who to fire?

Regier: All you have to do is sign this paper. (slides a piece of paper across the table) Simple as that. We’ll fire whoever you want.

(Crunchy immediately picks up the pen and signs the paper)

Crunchy: Now, here’s how I want the team to look by next seas-

Regier: (interrupting) No, wait. We can’t do it like this. This room might be bugged. (whispering) Afinogenov has been bugging our offices for years. What we need you to do is write the names of the guys you want us to fire on this piece of paper. Just write the names of the guys you want gone. Do you understand?

(Crunchy nods. Regier slides a second piece of paper across the table. Crunchy picks up the pen and begins writing. The room falls silent except for the sound of the pen as Crunchy furiously scribbles. The clock ticks symbolically as Crunchy writes and writes. After several minutes, Lindy and Darcy exchange a concerned glance. Crunchy’s hand begins to cramp from all of the writing. Soon, his pen runs out of ink, so he grabs a fresh one off the desk. He turns the paper over and begins to write on the back. When both sides of the paper are full, he writes in the margins. His second pen runs out of ink. Fifteen minutes pass, and finally, Crunchy slides the paper back across the table.)

Lindy: (glancing warily at the completely filled sheet of paper) I don’t think you understand, son. We want you to write the names of the players you want to fire.

Crunchy: Yeah. (with wry smile) That’s what I did.

(Lindy and Darcy exchange a meaningful glance)

Regier: But, this is everybody.

Crunchy: No, not everybody. Just most. It probably would have been easier to ask me to write the names of the guys you want me to keep. (picks up second piece of paper and writes for exactly 1.5 seconds) Here, I want you to keep these guys.

Regier: (picks up the list of players to “keep”) There are only two names on this list, and one of them is “Sabretooth”. You have put us in a tricky spot here. I mean we knew we were going to have to fire Max, Campbell, and probably Vanek, We were prepared even for Roy-Z, but now we are legally obligated to fire the entire team……by Saturday. I’m not sure we can get new guys in here in time. (looking at “to be fired” list again) What?! Ryan, we can’t fire Drury from the Rangers, and I hardly think Mike Robitaille can be blamed for any of this.

Crunchy: Whatever. (grinning) Listen, I’m getting a second wind here. Do either of you guys want to grab a drink?

(Crunchy stands up and stretches his arms above his head with a yawn. A peaceful smile spreads across his face.)

Lindy: Um, no. We were hoping you would be willing to stay here tonight and discuss the plans. I mean, this wasn’t exactly what we thoug-

Crunchy: No. I’m going out. I’m good. Thanks though. You were right, Darcy. This was a good idea.

Regier: You realize you just signed on with the Sabres for the next seven years for the league minimum, don’t you?

Crunchy: Really? Oh, well, that’s cool. Just make sure to change the locks on HSBC arena before we get home.

(Crunchy leaves the room whistling.)

The Stack

Today Kevin linked to J.P. So I poked around on Japers’ Rink for awhile, until I found this post, which links to this article. The article is a pretty amusing attempt to investigate the viability of putting a hugely fat goalie (think 800+ pounds) into a game, the idea being that he would totally block the net with his bulk. I love this kind of thing, because although I am not a cheater at heart, I appreciate all attempts to break the spirit of the law.

I totally do not know the rules of hockey, but I do have one wacky idea that has been niggling at my mind since I first started watching the game. If I were the head coach of the Sabres I would invent a new play, called The Stack. The Stack is a defensive move designed to protect a narrow lead in the last few minutes of a game. When The Stack is called, following the faceoff all of the players would lay down in front of the net like a stack of pancakes, one on top of the other, completely blocking the net. I figure with five players and a goalie, The Stack should be both high enough and wide enough to prevent any pucks from slipping through. The biggest downside to The Stack is that the game would degenerate into a test of toughness and will. The opposing team would of course start firing shots at The Stack, which would be fairly painful for the guys in The Stack, but hell, they’re hockey players, right? They’re tough. I think they could take it for a few minutes. Plus it would be hilarious to watch one team trying to topple a stack of players with slapshots.

I’m sure the league would outlaw The Stack as soon as it was attempted, so we’ve really got only one opportunity to try it out. We should save it for a time when we really need to hold on to the lead; for example game 7 of the 2006 ECF would have been an excellent time to use The Stack.

I’m a genius. Just admit it.

(I know, I know, there is probably already some rule about using all your guys in the crease at once. Whatevs.)

(And yes, when I get my press pass, I intend to interrupt Bucky Gleason while he’s asking a question so that I can propose The Stack to Lindy.)

TWC Needs You!

There are two hockey images that have really captured my fancy over the last few months. The first is the helmet nuzzle, a seemingly universal hockey player form of congratulations; and the second is the image of a guy getting his face smashed into the glass by an opponent at the exact second the camera flashes. It is my dream to one day have a photo database for both of these delightful hockey occurrences. The trouble is, it’s really hard to find these images online. No amount of google searching helps. No, these photos can not be found by searching, they can only be found by aimless internet meandering. Much like true love, if you are searching, you will never find a picture of meaningful helmet nuzzling.

 

The helmet nuzzle is very cute.

 

So, Dear Reader, I turn to you for help. If, in your interweb travels, you happen across a photo of either “helmet nuzzling” or “face smashing”, please send it along to me at kholzemer [at] msn [dot] com, or leave a link for me in the comments. I’m not entirely sure what I will do with my eventual collection, but hopefully it will be funny. Help a girl out, won’t cha? Don’t keep that nuzzle all to yourself!

The face smash is very funny.

 

Don’t you wish you could see more pictures like this? Me too.