Intervention

Dear Buffalo,

Giiiiirl, you need to pull it together. Listen, there is not a damn thing you can do about these Sabres, so how about you take a deep breath and try to relax? I know it’s really hard not to get sucked into all the dirty drama surrounding the team and their craptastic play, but honestly, what good does it do you? None. Larry Quinn is an asshole, Darcy is a sad-sack, the players are slackers, the management sucks, Lindy is too soft, blah blah blah blah BLAH. Do you feel any better now? No. You feel worse, don’t you? Dwelling too much on this team is like drinking poison. How about you stop calling into sports radio talk shows and instead play a little Guitar Hero, maybe have a glass of wine. Chill.

With Love,

Katebits

PS- If they are still sucking this hard in a few weeks, we’ll T.P. their houses.

Sabres Meditation

I’m feeling much better now guys. I think I know what happened. You see, I got too excited after the 10-1 win. Due to the unexpected surge of love for hockey, my chakras and my heart space were wide open going into the Leafs game, which is why it was so painful when the Sabres phoned it in. But thanks to some good advice in the comments, and a fun, football-filled day away from hockey, I think I am ready to face the Sabres again. I have spent the last day building an impenetrable fortress around my heart, a wall so mighty that no Sabre will ever be able to cross my defenses again. (Well, okay Pommers, you can come in, but hurry quick before Roy-Z sees the open door.)

Please press play on this video and listen to the music as you read the rest of this post:

I feel that the lessons I have learned this weekend can be of service to my readers. It is my dream that my journey can help many of you come to terms with your own feelings of hockey disillusionment. I have devised a guided meditation to heal your soul and reintroduce Sabres hockey in a safe and soothing environment. As you view these images, let your mind relax. I recommend focusing on each image for 3-5 seconds, moving on only when you feel ready. If you find yourself becoming unrelaxed, don’t panic, simply return to the previous image until you have returned to calm. (All images lazily stolen from cuteoverload.)

Good. Now begin scrolling down through the images. Good luck!

Ahhh. You are feeling veeery relaxed.

The world is full of delight.

Breath in. Breath out.

Baby Goose and Pommerdoodle cannot hurt you.

Breath in. Breath out.

You are safe and comfortable. You are cradled in the universe’s love.

The world provides unexpected pleasures.

Remember the Ice Bowl? That was a great day.

Hockey doesn’t have to hurt, even when they lose.

Breath in. Breath out.

Enthusiasm is healthy.

Aww, happy Crunchy is cute.

Baby Vanek cannot hurt you.

Breath in. Breath out.

Take solace in friendship. You are not alone.

Relax your mind. Let the images wash over you.

Let’s start with some easy ones.

I can’t remember who this kid is, but maybe he’ll be a Sabre someday.

Awesome.

ACK! TOO SOON! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

************

I think that’s enough for today. Good job. We were doing great there, right up until the very end. Even though we are not completely healed, I do feel we are rehabilitated enough to face the 4pm game versus the Coyotes.

Go Sabres! (assholes)

(Special thanks to Stephany for emailing me the hilarious Amerks yearbook photos of Goose and Pommers!)

 

Tough Love

One of the things that I love about writing this blog is that it challenges me to find, if not the bright side, than at least the funny side of whatever steaming pile of poo the Sabres are currently serving. I think that most of the time I’m up to the task, but lately, oh daddy, lately, things have been tough. Ten game losing streak. Soupy’s threatening to go off the reservation. The natives are all up in arms. Can’t score. Vanek is a mess. Everyone is injured. Lindy is….something.

These are the day that days that try blogger’s souls.

I think that some of the Sabres are just being brats now. Get out the child psychology books, because these guys need their heads examined. We’ve got a bunch of boys acting up, but let’s not give them the attention they so desperately seek. It’s time for some firm guidance.

Yeah, yeah, I see you there, Soupy, but I’m not impressed with your antics. Tim Connolly, I GET IT, your groin hurts. Yes, that must be awful for you. Poor, poor Timmy and his broken groin! Petey, until you learn to play like a big boy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put you on a time out. Roy-Z, just……zip it. Nah! You heard me! ZIP. IT. Vanek, didn’t anybody ever teach you that money can’t buy happiness? Don’t come back here until you’ve given away a million dollars. Go! Now! Lindy……Lindy, Lindy, Lindy. Lindy, you need to take this megaphone, and yell at them until they listen. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to get MY megaphone and yell at YOU until you listen. Got it? Goose, Mairsy, Pie….good work….here’s a cookie. Crunchy, I’m putting you in charge until I get back.

The Solution

Scene: Lindy Ruff’s hotel room. Lindy and Darcy Regier are sitting with Ryan Miller. Lindy and Darcy are sitting on one side of the desk, and Ryan Miller is sitting on the other.

Crunchy: What are we doing here, guys? I’m exhausted. Tonight was supposed to be my night off and instead I get dragged into the worst game I’ve ever been a part of. I just want to go to sleep and try to forget about the L.A. Kings.

Regier: I know that tonight was not the game we were hoping for.

Crunchy: (death glare)

Regier: Listen, Ryan, I’m going to cut right to the chase. We want to talk about your contract.  I realize that the team, as it currently stands….is not necessarily appealing for you. We want to find out what it would take, to make you happy.

Crunchy: (raising his eyebrow [the whompy one]) Listen, I’m not going to negotiate my contract without my agent, plus I’m really pissed off. I can’t deal with this right now.  This isn’t even legal.  We can’t discuss my contract until next season….and you better fucking believe you are going to pay top dollar if you want to keep me.  Top. Dollar.

Lindy: (gently) No, you don’t understand son.

Regier: (leaning in towards Crunchy) Ryan, we want to know which of the Sabres you feel comfortable having in front of you. We want you to sign this piece of paper, legally binding you to the team, and in exchange, you can tell us which of your teammates you want to keep, and which you want to get rid of.

Crunchy: (perking up with surprise) Wait. I can tell you who to fire?

Regier: All you have to do is sign this paper. (slides a piece of paper across the table) Simple as that. We’ll fire whoever you want.

(Crunchy immediately picks up the pen and signs the paper)

Crunchy: Now, here’s how I want the team to look by next seas-

Regier: (interrupting) No, wait. We can’t do it like this. This room might be bugged. (whispering) Afinogenov has been bugging our offices for years. What we need you to do is write the names of the guys you want us to fire on this piece of paper. Just write the names of the guys you want gone. Do you understand?

(Crunchy nods. Regier slides a second piece of paper across the table. Crunchy picks up the pen and begins writing. The room falls silent except for the sound of the pen as Crunchy furiously scribbles. The clock ticks symbolically as Crunchy writes and writes. After several minutes, Lindy and Darcy exchange a concerned glance. Crunchy’s hand begins to cramp from all of the writing. Soon, his pen runs out of ink, so he grabs a fresh one off the desk. He turns the paper over and begins to write on the back. When both sides of the paper are full, he writes in the margins. His second pen runs out of ink. Fifteen minutes pass, and finally, Crunchy slides the paper back across the table.)

Lindy: (glancing warily at the completely filled sheet of paper) I don’t think you understand, son. We want you to write the names of the players you want to fire.

Crunchy: Yeah. (with wry smile) That’s what I did.

(Lindy and Darcy exchange a meaningful glance)

Regier: But, this is everybody.

Crunchy: No, not everybody. Just most. It probably would have been easier to ask me to write the names of the guys you want me to keep. (picks up second piece of paper and writes for exactly 1.5 seconds) Here, I want you to keep these guys.

Regier: (picks up the list of players to “keep”) There are only two names on this list, and one of them is “Sabretooth”. You have put us in a tricky spot here. I mean we knew we were going to have to fire Max, Campbell, and probably Vanek, We were prepared even for Roy-Z, but now we are legally obligated to fire the entire team……by Saturday. I’m not sure we can get new guys in here in time. (looking at “to be fired” list again) What?! Ryan, we can’t fire Drury from the Rangers, and I hardly think Mike Robitaille can be blamed for any of this.

Crunchy: Whatever. (grinning) Listen, I’m getting a second wind here. Do either of you guys want to grab a drink?

(Crunchy stands up and stretches his arms above his head with a yawn. A peaceful smile spreads across his face.)

Lindy: Um, no. We were hoping you would be willing to stay here tonight and discuss the plans. I mean, this wasn’t exactly what we thoug-

Crunchy: No. I’m going out. I’m good. Thanks though. You were right, Darcy. This was a good idea.

Regier: You realize you just signed on with the Sabres for the next seven years for the league minimum, don’t you?

Crunchy: Really? Oh, well, that’s cool. Just make sure to change the locks on HSBC arena before we get home.

(Crunchy leaves the room whistling.)

The Stack

Today Kevin linked to J.P. So I poked around on Japers’ Rink for awhile, until I found this post, which links to this article. The article is a pretty amusing attempt to investigate the viability of putting a hugely fat goalie (think 800+ pounds) into a game, the idea being that he would totally block the net with his bulk. I love this kind of thing, because although I am not a cheater at heart, I appreciate all attempts to break the spirit of the law.

I totally do not know the rules of hockey, but I do have one wacky idea that has been niggling at my mind since I first started watching the game. If I were the head coach of the Sabres I would invent a new play, called The Stack. The Stack is a defensive move designed to protect a narrow lead in the last few minutes of a game. When The Stack is called, following the faceoff all of the players would lay down in front of the net like a stack of pancakes, one on top of the other, completely blocking the net. I figure with five players and a goalie, The Stack should be both high enough and wide enough to prevent any pucks from slipping through. The biggest downside to The Stack is that the game would degenerate into a test of toughness and will. The opposing team would of course start firing shots at The Stack, which would be fairly painful for the guys in The Stack, but hell, they’re hockey players, right? They’re tough. I think they could take it for a few minutes. Plus it would be hilarious to watch one team trying to topple a stack of players with slapshots.

I’m sure the league would outlaw The Stack as soon as it was attempted, so we’ve really got only one opportunity to try it out. We should save it for a time when we really need to hold on to the lead; for example game 7 of the 2006 ECF would have been an excellent time to use The Stack.

I’m a genius. Just admit it.

(I know, I know, there is probably already some rule about using all your guys in the crease at once. Whatevs.)

(And yes, when I get my press pass, I intend to interrupt Bucky Gleason while he’s asking a question so that I can propose The Stack to Lindy.)

TWC Needs You!

There are two hockey images that have really captured my fancy over the last few months. The first is the helmet nuzzle, a seemingly universal hockey player form of congratulations; and the second is the image of a guy getting his face smashed into the glass by an opponent at the exact second the camera flashes. It is my dream to one day have a photo database for both of these delightful hockey occurrences. The trouble is, it’s really hard to find these images online. No amount of google searching helps. No, these photos can not be found by searching, they can only be found by aimless internet meandering. Much like true love, if you are searching, you will never find a picture of meaningful helmet nuzzling.

 

The helmet nuzzle is very cute.

 

So, Dear Reader, I turn to you for help. If, in your interweb travels, you happen across a photo of either “helmet nuzzling” or “face smashing”, please send it along to me at kholzemer [at] msn [dot] com, or leave a link for me in the comments. I’m not entirely sure what I will do with my eventual collection, but hopefully it will be funny. Help a girl out, won’t cha? Don’t keep that nuzzle all to yourself!

The face smash is very funny.

 

Don’t you wish you could see more pictures like this? Me too.

 

Vote For Glenn!

Not only am I suddenly obsessed with the Sabres, but so is Glenn! My version of taking things to the extreme is to start a hockey blog. Glenn’s version of taking things to the extreme is to enter the “Sabres Emcee” competition…..and to GET TO THE FINAL 20!! Dudes, Glenn and I are taking over the Buffalo sports scene! (Which is quite possibly the funniest statement ever uttered. Really.)

The reasons to vote for Glenn are 5-fold:

1. Hilarious
2. Handsome
3. Fearless
4. Sabre obsessed
5. Willing to hit on players on behalf of all straight women/gay men.

I can pretty much guarantee that if Glenn becomes the Sabres Emcee, hilarity will ensue.

So, go here, watch Glenn’s video, and vote! Vote early! Vote often! You won’t be sorry!

(In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I haven’t yet seen Glenn’s video due to the refusal of my computer to play any video from NHL websites. All I can tell you is that every day I don’t see that video, is a day I die a little more inside.)

Update!

I have seen the video!  Glenn is a genius and he REALLY SHOULD be the Sabres Emcee.  Please Vote for Glenn!!!