Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge, and Other Disgusting Atrocities: A Story in Two Parts

Part One: Last night, Crotchety Original Sam and I tromped out into the icy mess that is St. Paul for our annual Minnesota Wild game at the Xcel Center.  In past years this trip has ended in despair and tears.  (Just kidding, Sam and I ALWAYS have fun, even when the home team sucks rhino ass.)  Guess what?  THE WILD WON!  I’m pretty sure that they were so impressed with my new North Stars t-shirt that they played extra hard.  The Wild are QUITE zippy and fun.

Anyhooch, there we were, wearing sassy retro NHL t-shirts and watching the Wild win, when suddenly during the second intermission, came the “Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge.”  The jokes immediately started flying about the name of this competition and the fate you would suffer if you ate a Chipotle burrito.  (Worst name of intermission game EVER.)  The game involved contestants rapidly identifying pictures of celebrities up on the jumbotron.  The winner would win free burritos for a lucky row in the arena.   I was immediately preoccupied with imagining the meeting at Chipotle headquarters that created this game (“I know, let’s call it “The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge!”  “Do you really think it’s a good idea to associate our burritos with sudden death, boss?”  “Oh SURE!  Sudden death refers to the GAME, not the food!  I like the name!  It’s folksy!”) to pay much attention to the contestants, and Sam was busy recounting a South Park episode which graphically detailed the terrible fate that would happen to your digestive system if you ate a Chipotle burrito.

But that’s right!  You guess it!  At the end of the contest, section 202, row 9, OUR ROW, was the lucky recipient of the Sudden Death Burritos!   Of all the hundreds of rows in the arena, we had won!  Now, I hate sudden death as much as the next gal, but I LOVE free burritos, so needless to say, I was PSYCHED.  A few minutes later, a pleasant Minnesotan came by and handed out our burrito coupons.  It was joyful.  We were triumphant.

But that’s where the fun ended.

The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge is a SHAM, people.  First of all, it’s NOT a free burrito, it’s a “buy one get one free”.  It’s HALF of a free burrito.  Second of all, THE COUPON EXPIRES AT THE END OF 12/09.   So, after all of that rigmarole, all I got was a “buy on get one free” coupon that I have to use in the next fifteen minutes before it expires.  I think this is WRONG.

I think this is SO wrong, that I intend to give this coupon to my most hated enemy so that he/she will first have to BUY a burrito only so that he/she will suffer from the SUDDEN DEATH caused by the free one.

(Truthfully, the whole thing was hilarious.  Loudly complaining about our prize brought our row together for lots of laughs.  I suggested that we all throw our Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card gift certificates onto the ice in protest, but sadly we decided that it would be difficult to hit the ice with a coupon from the upper bowl.)

Moral of the story: Eff you, Chipotle.  Eff you right in the ear.

Part Two: At the end of the Wild game, we scurried back to Sam’s house to watch the Sabres game on DVR delay.  I changed out of my North Stars t-shirt and into a Sabres sweatshirt (I really did this), and we settled in.  Sam got to see my oh-so-delightful-I’m-sure transformation from a happy-go-lucky Wild fan to a nearly-abusive-to-the-players Sabres fan.

A few thoughts on the game:

I think it’s okay to be legitimately concerned about the following things:

1. The overall  lack of energy.  At no point did the Sabres seem pissed at Ruutu.  At no point did anyone seem to care that Roy took an elbow to the head.  At no point did coming from behind seem to create any legitimate momentum.  The Sabres might be better this year, but they’re still lacking in the “fiery passion” department.

2. Tim Connolly and Drew Stafford.  Remember when we all used to wring our hands and saying things like, “Oh, if only Tim Connolly could stay healthy THE SABRES WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.”  Did anyone ever stop to consider that someday Timmeh would be able to stay healthy and that he would simply….suck? I don’t even know what to say about Staffy.

3. I know that they got a power play goal, but the power play still looks like a half-eaten Sudden Death Chipotle burrito.  Which is to say, very bad.

4. I’m pretty sure that Lindy put Vanek first in the shootout to reward him for playing a good game, but it was ill-advised.   I know, hindsight is 20/20, but Lindy OBVIOUSLY flew too close to the sun on that one.  Sadly, all the confidence-building good of the game was probably erased when Thomas failed (for the 50 millionth time) to score in the shootout.  Very unfortunate.

The following things are legitimately good:

1. At the start of the game, I said to Sam, “The following players MUST have a good game: Thomas Vanek, Jason Pominville” and then they both scored!  I will try this trick again today.

2. Steve Montador is getting hotter by the day.  Is it just me, or does he always seem to be charging around creating offensive chances and being generally foxy?  Private to Monty: My car mats ALWAYS need shaking.  IfyouknowwhatImean.

3. We should be happy they got a point. That was a bad game, but they’re still leading the division.  I have no experience with the ebb and flow of a successful season.  As a result, I think my spazziness after the bad games is probably a tish excessive, and for that I apologize.  Being a Negative Nellie is not my real-life style, so, let’s be thankful for this point.  Let’s love this point like it’s the best point in the world.  Last year the Sabres missed the playoffs by two points. Maybe this point that we inexplicably squeezed out the Ottawa game was one of those points that we will really need later on.

Moral of the story: There is another Sabres game in a few hours.  I’m going to forgive them for yesterday, but if they look like disinterested poo again, I’m sending my Sudden Death Chipotle Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card coupon to the Sabres locker room.  That’ll teach ‘em.

6 Things About Beating the Blackhawks

1. That was a great game.  Each team controlled the play for long stretches, and in spite of the low score, it was never boring.  You REALLY have to give it up for Patrick Lalime who played a totally solid game, particularly in the first period when the score could have very easily been 3-0 in Chicago’s favor.  One of the best parts of the night was seeing the bench enthusiastically congratulate him.   Very charming, and very deserved.  It’s fun to be happy for Patrick Lalime.

2. On Twitter before the game I was pitching a total fit about Lindy playing Lalime instead of Miller against Chicago.  My reasoning for hating the decision was that Chicago is a GREAT team (more on that later), and by sticking Lalime in there, Lindy was in essence setting him up to fail.  My feeling is that if the Sabres are going to get anywhere this season, the back-up MUST win a few games, so the smart move would be to play him against weaker teams.  The only argument I got from the folks on twitter that made any sense to me was that if the Sabres lost, at least the points would stay in the Western Conference.  I suppose that makes sense from a standings perspective, but it’s really throwing the back-up under the bus, and it could have rendered Patty totally useless for the rest of the season.  What if he had been totally lit up?  Wouldn’t we be in another Thibault situation where Lindy has ZERO faith in the back-up?

BUT, Lindy and Patty sure showed me.  Lindy’s gamble paid off, and Lalime did the unthinkable- he played the shit out of that game.  Yay, Patty!   I apologize for having so little faith in you, Patty.  You deserved better.  I can’t wait until you play again……in February.  Heh.

3. While I was squawking that Lindy should be fired and that the team should be systematically dismantled (I was kind of being an argumentative d-bag on twitter last night.  These things happen.  Feel free to boo me), the following conversation was had:

(Incidentally, I love Ryan for humoring me on this one. The fastest way to my heart is to totally agree with me when I start nonsensically screaming that everyone should be fired.)

You can say a lot of things about me, but I’m always true to my word.  A deal’s a deal.  I was so sure that the game last night was going to be a disaster with Lalime in net that I made a deal with Heather.  If Patty wins, Hank gets a contract extension.   So, henceforth and from now on, I will be advocating for Tallinder’s lifetime contract.  Let this be a hard lesson to you all: Don’t be an ass on twitter unless you’re willing to face the tough consequences.

4. Chicago really is a threatening team.  Basically the entire game I was marveling at their firepower.  Every line they rolled out had me covering my eyes and screeching, “Look out for THAT GUY!”  Their offensive depth is amazing, and unlike certain Eastern Conference teams (Caps), the Blackhawks defense seemed pretty darn reliable.  I’m proud of the Sabres for beating them.

5. I say this only half joking- Do you think it’s the system?  I was genuinely stunned to see the Sabres calmly go about their business last night without Miller in net to clean up their messes.  It has seemed to me that without some serious heroics from Crunchy, the Sabres record would be quite different- but maybe we’re not giving enough credit to the conservative system that Lindy has in place.

You know who the Sabres remind me of this year?  The Bruins from two seasons ago.  Remember that year when the Bruins went from a non-playoff team to THE MOST FRUSTRATING TEAM IN THE UNIVERSE, and then they almost knocked out Montreal (#1 seed) in the playoffs?  The Sabres are very committed to a no-frills system, and they’re just chugging along without too much flash.  I think you can argue that they’re a tad boring, but who gives a rip?  They’re beating good teams.   Beggars can’t be choosers, and my desire for playoff hockey went from “yes, please” to “desperate begging” about 18 months ago.  Keep it up, boys.

6. I’d say more about the actual game, but frankly I didn’t notice much.  I was too busy booing Soupy and biting the heads off of nearby babies to pay any attention.

What’s the Opposite of an Ode?

Disgusting Sabres, how do I hate thee?  Let me count the ways.

1. You suck.

2. You make me physically sick. I was at that game, and my eyes are still burning from the disgusting sight of it.  My stomach is still churning from the noxious bile your game inspired.

3. You have no geese on your team, and I hate you for it. *angry, disgusted HONK*

4. You’re ugly.  Yeah, I said it.

5. You employ Jason Pominville who is both disgusting and dispassionate.

6. You employ Thomas Vanek who is slaggy, overpaid, hideous, and who makes the post previous to this one look ridiculous.  He’s never scoring again.

7. Your uniforms are an embarrassment.

8. You play highlights from previous games during the game, which you seem to think will get the crowd pumped up.  You are wrong.  Seeing highlights of the Sabres scoring against the Devils only enrages us.

9. Tyler Myers is stupidly tall and his neck is annoyingly long.

10. You employ Drew Stafford, who is probably twittering something assy RIGHT NOW, when all he should be doing is tweeting over and over again, “On behalf of the Buffalo Sabres, I hotpologize for that steaming pile of poo.”  Unless it’s an hotpology, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, STAFFY.

11. You have NO ONE on the team who can score a clutch goal.  This makes me think of Chris Drury AND THAT MAKES ME HATE YOU.

12. You employ Lindy Ruff who will probably be lauded tomorrow in the papers for not “sugar coating it” in his post-game comments.  Barf.  He’ll most likely respond to this debacle by playing Ryan Miller for the next 18,329 games.

13. You employ Mike Grier because if you didn’t, these losers would probably be high on reefer all the time.  They’d never ever win because they’d be too busy binging on Cheetos and making faces behind Lindy’s back.  They need a babysitter, and it grosses me out.

14. You didn’t even TRY to win tonight. (Don’t even TRY to tell me that you tried.  DON’T EVEN TRY.)

15. My row has a freaking GATE at the end of it, and I CAN’T GET OUT, AND I HATE YOU FOR IT.

16. Until tonight, your record with me in attendance was 6-0, and I hate you for ruining it.  Yeah, I know I should just be grateful I’ve seen so many good games already this year, BUT I’M NOT.  I HATE you for turning me into a douchebag.

17. It was icy outside tonight, AND I BLAME YOU.

18. You made me practically cheer for the opposition BECAUSE THIS SHUTOUT ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING.  I might actually like Marty Brodeur more than I like you.  A-holes.

19. I hate you for making me even THINK about yelling, “Shooooot!  SHOOT!  ARRRRGH, SHOOT YOU MOTHER EFFERS.”

20. I hate your hotdogs.

21. I hate the UB Neurosurgery Brain Bender.

22. I hate the mini-blimp.

23. I hate that you list “cheese cup” as a menu item.

24. I hate that when I come in I have to open my coat for the security guard.  I don’t like being forced to flash guys I don’t know.  Pervs.

25. I hate Tim Connolly.

26. I love Ryan Miller.  I hate you for not being uniformly disgusting and hateable.

27. You’re stupid, and ugly, and lame, and 100% NOT cool.

28. I hate you for making me think about tenth place tonight.  TENTH PLACE.

5 Things

1. Robin and I have been treated to a variety of fanTAStic games at the arena this year.   This is in sharp contrast to our first year in the stands when every game felt like a (heinously boring) march to the scaffold.  We’ve been spoiled by these winning ways, and yesterday during the second period we began joking around.

Kate: This game has gotten a little boring.
Robin: It totally has.  They haven’t scored in, like, five minutes.  (EDITORS NOTE: The score was 4-0, Sabres at the time of this conversation.)
Kate: This game no longer pleases me.
Robin: (laughing) Me either.
(pause)
Robin: (sinisterly)…….drop in the lions….

2. In reality, the game was not boring at ALL, it was just good relaxing fun.  WOOOO!

3. We sit almost exactly on the “shoot once” goal line.  When the puck is down on the other end of the rink, we can see most of the action, but because of our angle (and the fact that the players are all standing between us and the net) we never actually see the puck go into the net down there.  At first this was a bummer, but I’ve completely fallen in love with our “goal alert system”, which incidentally is not the goal light or the horn.  In the split second after a Sabres goal is scored, that entire half of the lower bowl leaps to its feet in unison, arms in the air.  It’s a really cool effect from my seat, and one that I don’t think conveys very well on television.  I think there is something charming about how news of the goal is telegraphed down the rink by the celebration of the fans.  The visual effect is awesome, and the emotional effect is warm fuzzies.

4. It’s amazing how much the drunken fans who are shouting “Go Habs Go” don’t bother you when your team is kicking their teams ass.

5. The first two periods were so hilariously lopsided that in order to make a game out of the game, Robin and I began focusing our energy on keeping the Habs shot total to less than 9.  That’s 3 shots per period.

That Game Was An Ugly Weirdy

The Sabres looked alternately pathetic (the power play is very, very bad), and heroic (the 5 minute penalty kill at the end was FOXY.  That’s F to the O to the X to the Y.  Foxy) tonight. Toss in a terrifying hit by Clarke MacArthur (of all people), and it made for a strange and edgy game.

Seeing Reddox lying prone on the ice was unsettling to say the least, but once he was up, and it was time to watch the penalty kill, there was this strange, serious vibe in the arena.  I’ve not experienced anything like that at a hockey game before.  It felt like everyone in the arena simultaneously rolled up their sleeves and said, “Okay.  Let’s just get this done.”  At the start of the penalty kill it was very quiet, and during that lull I turned to Robin and said, “I have a really strong urge to yell, ‘You can do it,’ right now”.  We giggled nervously at the thought.  As the power play unfolded, the energy of the crowd grew and grew, and in the last minute, I did yell, “YOU CAN DO IT!”  It just came flying out of my mouth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that that penalty kill was genuinely impressive, and it was a real treat to see it in person.

It still remains to be seen if the Sabres can beat the Flyers and the Bruins of this league, but was heartening to see them gut out an ugly win.  I don’t think they could have won a game like this last year.

I’m starting to kind of like these guys.

Let’s Go Buff-a-lo!

7 Things

1. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

2. You guys, the Sabres are, like, my favorite. (Have you ever seen “Elf”?  For some reason tonight I kept thinking of that line, “I like smiling.  Smiling is my favorite.”  That’s how this game felt.)  This Sabres game was just so pleasant. I went with Heather B, and the game was never stressful or even particularly exciting, so we chatted happily, and it was just a nice time. I, for one, appreciate a nice mellow game from time to time.  I’m still getting adjusted to this new season of going to the games and then watching the Sabres….play well.  It’s weird, and wonderful.  Like I said, I just kind of let this game wash over me and I didn’t dwell much on the details, but the Sabres looked pretty good to me.

3. Marty Biron jumping Kaleta was pretty darn funny.

4. They played the baseball game on the jumbotron during the 2nd intermission at the arena tonight.  I thought that was a nice touch.  We happened to be watching when the Phillies knocked in their first run, and I was pleased that a healthy cheer went up in the crowd.  I do NOT understand Buffalonians who cheer for the Yankees.  The Yankees do not represent Buffalo in any way, shape, or form.  The Yankees are the opposite of Buffalo.  Cheering for the Yankees is totally lame.

5. Thomas Vanek scores goals when I complain about him.  It’s happened three times at the arena already this season.  As soon as I start calling him names, he starts scoring goals.  I like it when this happens.

6. About five minutes before the end of the game, I said to Heather, “You know what it’s time to start thinking about…?” and then I nodded at the scoreboard to indicate Crunchy’s looming shutout.  At the time, the score was 2-0, and we immediately started joking that if the Sabres scored again, it would allow Miller to relax enough to let in a softie.  And then, just like that, Goose scored! (Actually, it wasn’t “just like that”.  That goal required the longest goal review EVER.)  But Crunchy did NOT let in a softie, and so instead of a “Ryan Miller Shutout” he got a real shutout.  I’ve never seen him do that before.   I like it when he does that.

7. Please welcome the amazing, hilarious, and FABULOUS Jessica to the Sabres blogosphere.  Jessica is…well…she’s the best.  You’ll see.  Go to her blog.  You won’t be sorry.  Running with Sabres is TOP NOTCH.

8. 11:58 pm UPDATE: Hey, I just found a BONUS THING!  Roy-Z went 14 for 14 in the faceoff circle.

Seriously.  Dang.

The Sabres Are NEVER Losing Again!

That game?  Was such a treat.  A 6-2 thumping of the Detroit Red Wings.  Nice.

Tonight was my first game in my new season ticket seats, and the Sabres could not have been more sassy for the occasion.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a game that was quite that enjoyable.  I feel refreshed, and rejuvenated, and happy as a clam.  Thank you, Sabres.

I’m totally exhausted, and I’m going to choose to go to bed happy tonight.  I’ll fret about Thomas Vanek tomorrow.

HOOOOORRRRAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

Hockey, live and up close!

(Hockey not shown in photograph)

I’m tempted to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how incredibly excited I am to have season tickets, but in the name of decorum, I will spare you the giddy details.

I have a lot to say about the game, but I’m exhausted, and I have to get up early in the morning and drive to Olean, so I should go to bed.

Let’s go Buff-a-lo!

Everything is New Again

That game was wonderful.   Pure, cathartic joy.

Let’s Go Buff-a-lo!

Patrick Lalime is a Hero, Part II

They won!  I saw it with my own two eyes!