Enjoying the Playoffs, Step #3: It’s Still Hockey, and It’s Still Being Performed By Hockey Players….It Can’t be All Bad.

Congratulations! You’re nearly ready to watch the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Compared to the first two lessons (Temporarily Freeing Oneself From the Tyranny of the Sabres and, Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation), today’s lesson should be relatively enjoyable. Today, we move from merely tolerating the playoffs, to embracing them fully.

Lesson #3:

It’s Still Hockey, and It’s Still being Performed By Hockey Players….It Can’t Be All Bad.

1. Hockey is badass.
2. Playoff hockey is extra badass.
3. Beards are foxy.
4. Hockey players all grow beards during the playoffs.

In conclusion, playoff hockey is extra-badass hockey performed by foxier versions of the regular-season hockey players. Yes, the playoffs would have been better with the Sabres involved, but even minus the Sabres, I see very little downside here.

Solution: Quit your bitching, and enjoy the playoffs!

Enjoying the Playoffs, Step #2: Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation

Today we continue out reprogramming in preparation for the Sabre-less playoffs. Yesterday, we temporarily cast the Sabres aside. Today, we take our first tentative glimpse at a world of hockey that does not include our beloved team.

Lesson # 2:

Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation

Take a good hard look. I know it’s difficult, but force yourself if necessary. Just look at him. Face it.

Damn you, Drury.

It is a scientific fact that Chris Drury without a beard looks like a rat-faced geek, but unfortunately, it is not beardless Drury we are concerned with today. No, today we must come to terms with the far more visually compelling and tantalizingly dangerous Drury. Today, we must face, Playoff Beard Drury.

Sigh.

Frankly, he’s the least of our worries.

The EC Playoffs are a dreadful sight to behold. Once the Sabres were eliminated from the playoffs, I was reduced to pinning my hopes on the Senators falling all the way out. Once that became a mathematical impossibility (thanks a LOT, Canes) I had to admit that the absolute worst had occurred. The Sens, the Flyers, the Rangers, and the Caps, are ALL in the playoffs, and the Sabres are done. The scope of the disaster is still difficult to comprehend, but this is the situation that the Hockey Gods have handed us, and this is the situation that we must accept with grace and dignity.

I see two reasons for hope.

First of all, the EC is fairly evenly matched from a villian/rooting interest perspective. In all the match-ups, I can pick a clear “Katebits Semi-Endorsed If Not Fully Beloved” team with the exception of Caps/Flyers. Caps are the clear choice there, but that’s really only because the Flyers are so grody. (I have highly conflicted feelings about the Capitals and I’m curious to see where the playoffs take me as far as they go.)

The second reason for hope is the Western Conference. The Western Conference is jam PACKED with teams I know nothing about, and therefore don’t hate. This is kind of a mixed blessing because while I don’t hate most of those teams, it’s like starting from scratch. I have nothing to grab onto and no point of reference. All I know is that I don’t want Brian Campbell to win the Cup, so that eliminates the Sharks, and I am grossed out by the Ducks….but after that, the competition for my heart is pretty wide open. This week I have to work every evening, so I will miss all the early starting games, but I’m pretty excited to watch the late start Wild/Avs series once I’m nestled back into TWC Headquarters each night.

So, the situation is this: Chris Drury is going to be skating around with his fetching play-off beard being all hot and clutch for the DISGUSTING RANGERS, and it is almost certain that somewhere along the way, a team I hate will win a playoff series. On the other hand, particularly in the Western Conference, there is a lot of opportunity for a yet-to-be-discovered team to capture my fancy. It’s not a good situation, but now that I’ve sat down and faced the cold hard facts, I think I’m beginning to believe that I can do this. I can watch the playoffs even if the Sabres aren’t involved.

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Please join me tomorrow for the third and final lesson of our course on enjoying the playoffs, “It’s Still Hockey, And it’s Still Being Performed By Hockey Players: It Can’t Be All Bad.”

Enjoying The Playoffs, Step #1: Temporarily Freeing Oneself From The Tyranny Of The Sabres

I hit a low point on Sunday night. In a state of desperate disillusionment and hockey despair, I sent out a pathetic email to Patty, Heather, and the Ookies declaring that my heart was broken, I couldn’t go on, and that I would not be able to stomach the playoffs this year. All of these ladies have many years of fandom under their belts, and they all offered up very good advice and sympathy. They also all agreed that this year the playoff scene legitimately blows, and many amongst us are going to have to get creative about choosing sides. By using their expertise, along with a careful assessment of my own needs, I believe I have devised a three-day plan to ease myself out of the Sabres season, and into the (pathetically Sabre-less) playoffs.

Today’s Lesson:

Temporarily Freeing Myself From the Tyranny of the Sabres

I don’t think I can watch the playoffs without some rooting interest, and obviously my normal rooting interest is not available for rooting, so, I’m going to have to root for someone I normally root against, which is a situation I would never root for, but rooting is a weird thing, and sometimes when you can’t root where you’ve laid your roots, you have to pick up your roots and root elsewhere. Ya know?

Bottom line: I will love the Sabres above all other teams for ever and ever, Amen.

BUT.

By virtue of their suckiness, the Sabres have abandoned us, and we are now alone and adrift in a continuing hockey season without them. They have left us no choice but to look elsewhere, and to take solace in the arms playoff series of another team. One thing my 32-years on earth has taught me is that before moving forward, we must heal the wounds of the past. Today, I say goodbye (and good riddance) to the 2007-08 Buffalo Sabres.

Dear Sabres,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. Together, as team and fan, we’ve had quite a year. Well, I had quite a year, you mostly just skated around, not scoring or winning. (Okay, that’s not quite fair. You scored a ton of goals, and you won enough to keep things interesting right up until the end. That’s not nothing, I suppose.) What I’m trying to tell you is that I do not regret the season we have shared. It’s been awesome, and I can’t WAIT until next year.

But.

I’m not going to waste my summer crying over you. What’s done is done. Things were said, games were played, blog posts were written. As exciting as it’s been, your streakiness has felt, at times, downright abusive, and frankly I’m exhausted. Plus, your inability to qualify for the playoffs has created a whole host of complications in my life, not the least of which is that I now have no choice but to fret full-time about CHRIS FUCKING DRURY again. (If he wins the Cup this year I SWEAR TO GOD I will gouge my eyes out to avoid the hideous sight of it.)

I think that at this point we can all agree that a little time apart might do us some good. You go, have a great summer. I hope you make a ton of new fans. Meanwhile, I’m going to check out some other NHL teams. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I’m not getting any younger here. I’ve missed out on watching a lot of Stanley Cup Playoffs already. I can’t miss another year. I’m going to watch the playoffs, and I’m going to be cheering for some other team; I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.

So, let’s just agree to go our separate ways until the playoffs are over. We all know that this separation is only temporary and at that I’ll probably find a way to freak out about the pending free agency of Dmitri Kalinin within MOMENTS of the end of the Finals, but let’s just do ourselves a favor and save the drama until then. M’kay?

Fondly (sort of),

Katebits

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Stay tuned for Step #2: Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation.