We Need To Talk

Dear Minnesota Wild,

You guys are KILLING me. You are so freaking boring I want to DIE….until the last ten minutes of the game when you somehow ALWAYS end up in a 2-2 tie. Perhaps you and the Avalanche could agree to start the game at the 10 minute mark of the 3rd period. It would save us the fifty minutes of mind numbing, and cut right to the INCREDIBLY EXCITING. I am really into you, but I’d like to see a bigger commitment to keeping me entertained through the first two and a half periods. (STELLAR work in the last half of the third period and overtime, though. Seriously. Well done.)

With love,
Kate

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,

Carry on.

Kate

Dear Montreal Canadians,

If you guys don’t pull it together and act like the powerhouse you supposedly are, I am going to withdraw my support. I’m serious. Get it done. Or else.

Sternly,
Kate

Dear Washington and Philadelphia,

Please work this out as quickly as possible. You guys playing each other is upsetting.

I don’t care for you guys,
Kate

Dear Devils,

It is up to you to defend the game of hockey. I know you didn’t want or ask to be in this position. You just wanted to play a quick and easy first round and then go home, but the Hockey Gods have spoken. You are the defenders of good, and the Rangers are the defenders of evil. You are only down 2-1 in this series. There is still a lot of hockey left to be played. I know that you aren’t very good at hockey, BUT NEITHER ARE THE RANGERS. At this point, it doesn’t even matter if you win or lose the series. If you win, evil is vanquished until next season, if you lose, the Curse of Brodeur kicks in, dooming the Rangers to years of misfortune. All that matters now is that you put up a fight. Be indignant.

Sincerely,
Kate

Dear Dallas Stars,

Heh. Nice. Keep up the good work.

Kate

Dear Calgary Flames,

No one has benefited from the playoff goggles (tm, IPB) more than you. I’m into you guys. Your fans are incredible, your jerseys are beautiful, and you’re quite feisty with the questionable hits and the crazy goaltender switcharoos. Please don’t literally hurt the Sharks. Just beat them. At hockey.

Kate

Enjoying The Playoffs, Step #1: Temporarily Freeing Oneself From The Tyranny Of The Sabres

I hit a low point on Sunday night. In a state of desperate disillusionment and hockey despair, I sent out a pathetic email to Patty, Heather, and the Ookies declaring that my heart was broken, I couldn’t go on, and that I would not be able to stomach the playoffs this year. All of these ladies have many years of fandom under their belts, and they all offered up very good advice and sympathy. They also all agreed that this year the playoff scene legitimately blows, and many amongst us are going to have to get creative about choosing sides. By using their expertise, along with a careful assessment of my own needs, I believe I have devised a three-day plan to ease myself out of the Sabres season, and into the (pathetically Sabre-less) playoffs.

Today’s Lesson:

Temporarily Freeing Myself From the Tyranny of the Sabres

I don’t think I can watch the playoffs without some rooting interest, and obviously my normal rooting interest is not available for rooting, so, I’m going to have to root for someone I normally root against, which is a situation I would never root for, but rooting is a weird thing, and sometimes when you can’t root where you’ve laid your roots, you have to pick up your roots and root elsewhere. Ya know?

Bottom line: I will love the Sabres above all other teams for ever and ever, Amen.

BUT.

By virtue of their suckiness, the Sabres have abandoned us, and we are now alone and adrift in a continuing hockey season without them. They have left us no choice but to look elsewhere, and to take solace in the arms playoff series of another team. One thing my 32-years on earth has taught me is that before moving forward, we must heal the wounds of the past. Today, I say goodbye (and good riddance) to the 2007-08 Buffalo Sabres.

Dear Sabres,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. Together, as team and fan, we’ve had quite a year. Well, I had quite a year, you mostly just skated around, not scoring or winning. (Okay, that’s not quite fair. You scored a ton of goals, and you won enough to keep things interesting right up until the end. That’s not nothing, I suppose.) What I’m trying to tell you is that I do not regret the season we have shared. It’s been awesome, and I can’t WAIT until next year.

But.

I’m not going to waste my summer crying over you. What’s done is done. Things were said, games were played, blog posts were written. As exciting as it’s been, your streakiness has felt, at times, downright abusive, and frankly I’m exhausted. Plus, your inability to qualify for the playoffs has created a whole host of complications in my life, not the least of which is that I now have no choice but to fret full-time about CHRIS FUCKING DRURY again. (If he wins the Cup this year I SWEAR TO GOD I will gouge my eyes out to avoid the hideous sight of it.)

I think that at this point we can all agree that a little time apart might do us some good. You go, have a great summer. I hope you make a ton of new fans. Meanwhile, I’m going to check out some other NHL teams. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I’m not getting any younger here. I’ve missed out on watching a lot of Stanley Cup Playoffs already. I can’t miss another year. I’m going to watch the playoffs, and I’m going to be cheering for some other team; I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.

So, let’s just agree to go our separate ways until the playoffs are over. We all know that this separation is only temporary and at that I’ll probably find a way to freak out about the pending free agency of Dmitri Kalinin within MOMENTS of the end of the Finals, but let’s just do ourselves a favor and save the drama until then. M’kay?

Fondly (sort of),

Katebits

**********************

Stay tuned for Step #2: Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation.

Friendly Reminder

Dear Sabres,

Unless I call in sick (which is still totally possible because I think I might have SARS), I won’t be able to watch the game tonight. I’m just writing to remind you that THE BRUINS USE BLACK MAGIK. They are not to be trusted. You must not allow their trickery to distract you from scoring goals. I think we can all agree that you have taken plenty of shit from the Bruins already. Enough is enough.

He’s just trying to confuse you, Pommers! Don’t fall for it!

He’s a witch!

With Love,

Katebits

Intervention

Dear Buffalo,

Giiiiirl, you need to pull it together. Listen, there is not a damn thing you can do about these Sabres, so how about you take a deep breath and try to relax? I know it’s really hard not to get sucked into all the dirty drama surrounding the team and their craptastic play, but honestly, what good does it do you? None. Larry Quinn is an asshole, Darcy is a sad-sack, the players are slackers, the management sucks, Lindy is too soft, blah blah blah blah BLAH. Do you feel any better now? No. You feel worse, don’t you? Dwelling too much on this team is like drinking poison. How about you stop calling into sports radio talk shows and instead play a little Guitar Hero, maybe have a glass of wine. Chill.

With Love,

Katebits

PS- If they are still sucking this hard in a few weeks, we’ll T.P. their houses.

Tough Love Works!

Dear Sabres,

I’m pretty sure my firm guidance is what set you on course for your amazing night, and with respect to that, I’m going to offer the you a sober “congratulations” (translation: OMG!OMG!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!). Now, you know as well as I, that this team has had several “turning points” only to be plunged back into mediocrity the next game. (translation: THIS TIME IT’S FOR REAL! WE’RE NEVER GOING TO LOSE AGAIN!) You mustn’t allow yourselves to focus for too long on this particular win. (Translation: HIGH FIVE, STAFFY! HIGH FIVE, ROY-Z! Ah hell, HIGH FIVE, VANEK! WOOO-OOOT! WOOT! WOOOOOT!) While tonight was a positive step forward, you still have a long way to go. (Translation: WE’RE ON OUR WAY, BABY!) I must insist that you don’t allow this game to go to your heads. (Translation: Seriously though. Don’t get cocky.)

With (tough) love,

Katebits

PS: Private to Derek Roy: I forgot to take you off the bench on my fantasy team tonight. Your 4 point night was awesome for me, the Sabres fan, and bittersweet for me, the manager of the Fancy Bits. I am a fairly superstitious manager and fan, so I assure you, your fine play while sitting on the F-Bit bench did not go unnoticed. If allowing my fantasy team to tank is what it takes to motivate you to play hard, fine. Until further notice, you’re benched. But don’t get lazy Mister, because the minute you start sucking, the Fancy Bits are going to play you all the time.

PPS: Private to Drew Stafford: Against all reason and statistical analysis, I have kept you on my fantasy team. Tonight you made the F-Bits proud. I’m pleased to announce that you are the Fancy Bit of the Week. Congratulations!

Notes

Dear Crunchy,

Great game last night. You totally deserved a win. If it’s any consolation, Marty Brodeur is on my fantasy team, so even though the Sabres lost, the Fancy Bits still got a win.

-Katebits

*******

Dear Rest of the Sabres,

Listen, Crunchy doesn’t do 1-0 shutouts. That’s asking too much. And don’t tell me, “But, but it was Marty Brodeur“. I know it was Marty, but you still have got to score more than one goal for Crunchy. This one is on you guys. I think you need to buy Crunchy a present to make up for squandering his awesome game…..something handmade and special.

Someone should learn how to knit, and knit him a new skull cap. Pommers, get on that.

Love,

Katebits

PS- I can’t wait to see you on Tuesday! Make sure to keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the one who looks really cold.

********

Dear Thomas Vanek,

It’s time to give away some money. It’s time to give away a lot of money….like a million dollars.

Look. The contract is clearly effecting you. Just give some money away. Pick a cause that is meaningful to you, and unburden yourself. Help some people out. You can give away a million dollars and still be a really rich man.

You’ll feel better. I promise.

Sincerely,

Katebits

PS- If you give away a million dollars, I promise to never call you a slag-faced whore again. (Unless, I suppose, you give your money to the Coalition for the Advancement of Slag-Faced Whores annual fund raising drive. I hate CASFW. If I get one more call from them asking for money…….)

*********

Dear Drew Stafford,

I don’t understand how a brain-eating zombie can be concussed. Please explain.

-Katebits

PS- Ever since I learned about your concussion, I’ve had a funny image of you wandering around Buffalo dazed and disoriented with a bandage around your head. It would really make me happy if you wore a bandage like this to the Ronan Tynan concert tomorrow night. Of course, I won’t be there to see it, but still, I would love it tremendously. I think a head bandage would look great with a tuxedo. Feel better soon!

Open Letter to Ted Leonsis

Last night, I discovered that Ted Leonsis, owner of the Washington Capitals, and Chief Fancypants of AOL, linked to The Willful Caboose on his personal blog. After jumping up and down with glee for a few minutes, I composed this letter.

Dear Ted Leonsis,

Thanks for the link! I can’t believe I got a link from the owner of the Capitals! This is pretty cool. If I had known you were going to stop by, I would have tidied up a bit in here. (*hissing* Pommerdoodle, get off the couch *swat*) Sorry about the mess, and the riff-raff in the comment section, the emphasis on humor, and our complete and utter lack of credentials. To be frank, The Willful Caboose is a bit of a ramshackle organization, which is why I’m so surprised to see you here.

Can I get you anything? Water? A beer perhaps? I think I’ve got some juice in the fridge….

I guess you noticed all the hubbub with On Frozen Blog. It was all a little bizarre. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to see that, but I’m glad you enjoyed watching the whole big mess unfold. I still haven’t really heard from them. I know they’ve been pretty busy, what with their movie showing and making eggnog, so I guess we have to give them a little leeway this time. I really appreciate how you took the time to read my post and link to me, though! Seriously, it made my day. I honestly think that the interactive nature of blogging is its single greatest attribute. Linking to one another, commenting, responding to criticism with integrity, the sharing of ideas- this stuff is AWESOME. I totally love the internet.

As a thank you for your esteemed link, I would like to offer you this small token of my appreciation:

It’s not much, I know. I just wanted to make sure that since you have been so generous with the press passes, someone had offered you the chance to enjoy hockey from the stands- as a fan. There’s not a lot of prestige built into being a fan, but boy, it can really be a lot of fun. This pass entitles you to cheer, boo, holler, whoop, cry, swear (within reason…..look out for little kids, Ted), and best of all, get totally unreasonable about your team. It’s great!

One last thing: I thought you might be interested to know that I started a Caps blog! My first post is about how I LOVE Ovie, and why I still boo him every time he has the puck. I probably won’t update The Hapless Capless very often, because truthfully, I don’t really like the Caps that much. (Ted, the Capitals kind of suck at playing hockey. No offense.)

Sincerely,

Katebits

Thursday 2-8, Saturday 7-1

Dear Sabres,

You are crazy. Crazy like a slug.

Thanks for the awesome game, weirdos!

Love,

Katebits

Hey, Thanks Boys!

Dear Sabres,

Thanks so much for such a hilarious win against the Hurricanes. How did you know I’ve been feeling so stressed out? I was kind of scared to watch tonight.  I don’t think I would have handled a nerve wracking game very well. I really appreciate your complete and TOTAL dominance this evening. I love giggling with glee during a hockey game. 8-1 is possibly the funniest score ever. (Crunchy, please don’t sweat the shut-out. Shut-outs just aren’t your thing. It’s part of your charm.)

I’m in Minnesota, so I couldn’t watch the game, but I listened to the radio broadcast streaming online, and let me tell you, even from far away, my heart is swelling with Buffalo pride.

Good work!

Love,

Katebits

P.S.- Welcome back, Adam Mair! I totally missed you!

Life is Cruel

Dear Inner Child Katebits,

How are you doing little buddy? I bet you’ve been enjoying all this hockey we’ve been watching! I know I’ve been making you practice the viola a lot lately, and I’m sorry about that, but I’ve also been letting you eat a lot of candy, so hopefully that has evened things out a bit.

Listen, stop jumping around for a minute. Sit down. We need to talk.

You know that concert at the BPO we’ve been looking forward too? The one with the Sabres and Ronan Tynan? Yeah, the concert which Ryan Miller and Drew Stafford will attend and perform on stage with the Buffalo Philharmonic? I’ve got some bad news for you, little one. You’re not going to like this one bit.

We don’t get to play that concert.

Shhhh. Shhh. There, there. Go ahead, have a good cry.

It seems that Ronan Tynan only needs three violas for his show, and sadly, there are seven violists in the BPO. Today, they drew names out of a hat, and in a cruel twist of fate, “Katebits” was not one of the names that they chose to play the concert. It’s horribly unfair. Of all of the people in the Buffalo Philharmonic, surely we are the ones with the greatest interest in playing this concert. A lot of those other people at work don’t even CARE about the Sabres.

I can’t believe this is happening. Drew Stafford and Ryan Miller are going to be wandering around backstage at work (most likely wearing tuxedos), and we won’t be there. It’s horrible.

And since you’re already upset, Inner Child Katebits, there is something else I need to tell you. I might as well just give you all the bad news at once…..I really don’t know how to tell you this, but…..you know that outdoor game we talked about awhile ago? The one on New Years Day?

We don’t have tickets.

I tried to get them! They just sold out so fast.

I know. Christmas is ruined. So is New Years. Our hopes and dreams are dashed. We’ll probably never have fun again.

Sigh.

Love,

Adult Katebits

Please don’t look at me like that, Inner Child Katebits. You’re breaking my heart.