KFS II Revamped: Flowchart Style

I’ve had a hard time getting motivated to write Kate’s Favorite Sabre II.  To be honest, I’m really proud of what I wrote last year, and although I really had no idea what I was talking about back then, I think my assessment of the situation was pretty accurate.  There are a few exceptions (Max is obviously NOT my favorite Sabre), but for the most part, I stand by what I wrote.  I don’t particularly feel the need to reorder the entire team, and I don’t think I can match last year’s rookie enthusiasm. So, that old KFS scheme is scratched.  Over the next few days I’ll write a few entires for the Sabres I think I got wrong last year, but after that, we’re moving on.

Now, it occurred to me this afternoon that perhaps there are some particularly misguided TWC readers who were planning to use KFS to help them choose their own Favorite Sabre.  I don’t want to leave these obviously confused souls in the lurch, so in order to help these people, I have taken KFS in a new direction.

That direction?  A foxy flowchart!

Start at the orange square at the top, and simply choose between the available options until you arrive at the name of your new Favorite Sabre.  It’s easy as pie!

Click on image for a closer view.

Good luck, and let us know who you wound up with!

UPDATE: I got home and realized that I used a version of this that did not have all the connecting lines.  You guys probably didn’t even notice, but I wanted to make sure the Max fans could arrive at their boy by following the chart.  Also, I’m sorry Teppo’s not on there.  I kind of forgot about him.  Oopsies.

Synchronized Project Runway

Today was a very trying day.  It was one of those days where despite my very earnest intentions, nothing I was trying to accomplish was being accomplished.  I was frustrated and out of sorts all day.

It’s amazing what a little Project Runway (starring drag queens) immediately followed by synchronized swimming can do for a gal’s mood.  Synchronized swimming and drag queen fashion are a FABULOUS combination.  The Project Runway drag queens were amazing!  (Hedda Lettuce is such a BITCH!)  The synchronized swimmers were mind boggling.  (Those Russians are freaking ROBOTS!)  It was a hilarious night of television, and my mood has turned completely around.

I’m suddenly in the mood to blast some show tunes, slather on the blue eyeshadow and splash around dramatically in the bathtub….but I need a synchro partner.  I’m convinced drag queens and synchronized swimming should always be experienced together, and so I have taken out the following ad in The Artvoice:

WANTED: One bearish drag queen to be my synchronized swimming partner.  Must have own supply of glittery blue eyeshadow, and a keen sense of swimsuit fashion.  You bring the drama, I’ll bring the sequins and the neccessary viola music for our gold medal routine.

2 Things

1. Today I will be spending the afternoon and evening at a wedding. “A wedding?” you say, “On Wednesday?” Yup. “Who gets married on a Wednesday?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Chinese people get married on Wednesday! The bride, the beautiful and alluring Yang, is Chinese and she told me that there is some kind of lucky significance to this date. I don’t think the luck comes from “Wednesday” I think it comes from the “sixth” of August. So, off I go to a wedding. This is going to be one of those fun weddings where I’m not at all involved in the ceremony but I know most of the people there. I suspect there will be some Hokey Pokey in my near future. I’m pretty sure the Hokey Pokey originated in China. Okay, that’s a lie. I seriously doubt the Hokey Pokey has Chinese origins, but the groom is from Olean, and the Hokey Pokey really MIGHT have come from Olean. Either way, I’m gonna shake it all about tonight. ifyouknowwhatimean.

2. Yesterday, the fantabulous danielleia left the following comment in regards to hot Olympic swimmers:

“Ryan Lochte is another personal fave.”

Now, a recommendation from danielleia is good enough for me, so I quickly set out to google “Ryan Lochte”. The very first picture that came up was this one:

Michael Phelps in a triumphant mood.

Alas, I was not searching for images of Michael Phelps, I was searching for images of Ryan Lochte who I was assuming is a stone cold fox. I read the caption of the photo and found my man:

I love him.

Now, I understand why Sports Illustrated went with this photo. Michael Phelps, the presumed darling of the Olympics, looks amazing. He’s the very image of passion and triumph. This is a great picture of Michael Phelps, but the thing is, this picture is the first picture that came up when I googled Ryan Lochte. That’s not fair. This is a TERRIBLE picture of Ryan Lochte. (Incidentally, further investigation did in fact prove that Lochte is a good looking guy.)

Ryan Lochte is my new favorite Olympian for two reasons.

1. This picture really makes me laugh. I know it’s immature of me to find this picture funny, but HELLO!, welcome to my blog, I’m 10. That expression + that posture + that fist pump = funny. For all I know, Ryan Lochte is the most graceful, debonair guy in the world, but he’ll always be this funny spazzy dude to me.

2. This photo is exactly the kind of thing that happens to me. I can pretty much guarantee that in twenty years, hanging on the wall of the couple to be married today will be a picture from the wedding reception. It will be a candid. Yang and Ben will be laughing and glancing adoringly at one another, perhaps while in conversation with some wedding guests. Yang will look radiate. Ben will look handsome, his face will display all of the love and the pride that he feels on this amazing day. They’ll be touching in some quiet way- perhaps her hand gently resting on his back, or his arm loosely slipped around her waist. The picture will somehow capture the spirit of the day. The fun, and the beauty, and the promise of the many years of love to come. It will be THE picture from the wedding; the picture that graces every mantle in every house for the rest of their lives.

Decades from now, I’m going to get an email from Yang. She’s going to tell me that one of her kids suddenly noticed something about the picture that gave the entire family a big laugh. Way in the background, hardly noticeable even if you’ve looked at the picture a thousand times, will be me. Dancing the hokey pokey. Looking not unlike Mr. Lochte up there. And then, twenty years from now, Yang is going to put that picture on Facebook. And she’s going to tag me.

As a fellow person who is constantly captured looking spazzy in photos of other people looking amazing, I believe that Ryan Lochte needs to do something at the Olympics that gets that photo off the top of his google search list. Perhaps a medal ceremony? I think that’s as good a reason to cheer for Ryan Lochte as anything else.

Mascots

As I am prone to do, I was thinking about Crackers and Salty Pete today.

Magnificent

The reasons to like Crackers and Salty Pete are obvious and plentiful. (There are two of them [presumably BFFs], one is a pirate and one is a parrot but they are both the same size, Salty Pete’s badass beard, and of course their names are “Crackers” and “Salty Pete”.) What’s not to love?

While I tend to like mascots, not all mascots are as awesome as Crackers and Salty Pete. Some mascots are totally wrong.

I just hate him so much.

Now, I’m sure Key Bank is a fine establishment, but this Key Bank mascot makes me angry. How is he supposed to walk with his legs all wrapped up in a key body? Look at his TEETH! Look at his weird lopsided eyes! Look at how he appears to be holding a freaky mascot-sized SYRINGE in this photo! LOOK AT HOW THE “KEY” PART OF HIS KEY DROOPS PATHETICALLY! ARGH! I can’t even DEAL with this guy.

The Phillie Phanatic is the undisputed greatest mascot ever.

My kind of man mascot

First of all, the Phanatic is all-around hilarious. Second of all, he goaded Tommy Lasorda into writing what might be the greatest unintentionally funny blog post of all time. (Thanks to andrew for the Lasorda link) Third of all, I have a good story about him. I’ve told this story many times, but I told it the best in the IPB threads last summer. Because Schnookie rocks, she tracked it down for me so that I may republish it here:

True Story:

One time I was playing a gig with a boys choir in Philadelphia. I think it was a fundraiser for their group, because the show was very gimmicky and chock full of local “celebrity” guest stars (think weathermen and local politicians). We were clicking along, nearly to the end of the show, when out of no where, without any sort of reasonable warning, the Phillie Phanatic comes barreling through the orchestra. And I mean barreling. Stand and musicians were flying everywhere. I didn’t even really see the Phanatic until his hulking green furry body knocked over my music stand on his way to the podium. It was utter chaos. The musicians were giving absolutely no warning that the Phanatic would make a destructive appearance. Many of us were holding valuable instruments that could have been easily damaged, so a lot of musicians were pretty peeved, but the audience thought the whole thing was hilarious (which it was). A friend of mine told me later that one of the highlights of the entire debacle was hearing me say loudly onstage “Oh my God, it’s the Phillie Phanatic” in a tone tinged with both horror and reverent awe.

I’ve always wondered if the Phillie Phanatic somehow knew he could dramatically (and to great comedic effect) navigate himself through a cramped orchestra without doing any real damage, or if he was just drunk that day.

In closing, mascots are a hoot.

Moving Tips With TWC

I’m taking a break from packing to tell you guys that if you are trying to pack and you really really really don’t want to pack, you should turn on the television and pray that ABC Family is showing Overboard. That movie kind of rocks and it will help you pull your shit together long enough to pack half your apartment.

2 Tidbits

I am ca-RAZY busy over the next week, so things might get a little tumbleweedy around here.  I’ll do my best to post a little something every day, but I can make no promises.

I have two tidbits for you this afternoon:

1. Ryan Miller and the Sabres Gang had the cuddliest press conference in NHL history this morning.  It was all, “I love you, Ryan Miller,”  “No, I love you Darcy Regier”  “We just want to be the best professional hockey team we can be.”  I know that as soon as the Sabres take the ice I will stop being this sentimental old Crunchy-lovin’ fool, but dang it, it practically brings a tear to my eye to listen to him speak right now.  I am so excited about next season that I’m having a difficult time reconciling that it is mid-July.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE mid-July, but I am so psyched about hockey that if it snowed this evening it would fit my mindset perfectly.

2.  I still feel kind of scared of tomatoes even though I know they have been declared cootie-free.  Remember a few years ago when spinach had e coli cooties?  Well, that happened during a particularly oblivious time in my life when I wasn’t watching much tv or paying much attention to things occurring beyond the ten feet surrounding me.  As a result, I ate a lot of the EXACT spinach that had e coli.  So, while the rest of the country was burning their spinach at the stake and freaking out in general, I was happily munching on a daily e coli salad.  When I finally clued in, I did a little research and learned that whatever happens to you when you eat e coli has a seven day incubation period.  So, I had to sit around for a week, waiting to find out if I was about to experience a terribly gruesome fate.  I didn’t. I must have lucked out and eaten only cootie-free spinach, but that week I spent fretting was no fun.  Food cooties are lame.  Shop locally, people!

10 Random Things I Don’t Understand (And Therefore Fear)

In no particular order…..

1. Shoes that come to a sharp point.  Feet aren’t shaped like that.

2. Married people with joint email accounts

3. That episode of Arrested Development where Tobias keeps entering the scene by coming out of the fireplace.  Whaa?

4. Whether or not eggs are healthy

5. Pi

6. Facebook

7. Why a person would want to eat “fudge” when perfectly delicious, non-gross chocolate exists.

8. Deal Or No Deal

9. Which fish is safe/environmentally friendly for eating

10. The phrase “the exception that proves the rule”.  I understand what people mean when they say it, I just don’t understand how an exception proves a rule.  In fact, shouldn’t the exception prove that the rule is bullhonky?

10 Random Things I Enjoy

In no particular order…….

1. Tall old ladies

2. Standing at line at Spot Coffee and telling the woman behind me, “I like your baby” (as if I were talking about a jacket or a haircut), and getting the good-natured response, “Thanks. He’s new.”

3. Absolut Mandarin and soda

4. Texting

5. Making jokes on the way to Artpark about stopping at Fantasy Island, eating funnel cake and going on some rides, and then calling in sick dizzy to work.

6. Three-legged dogs

7. Men who think robots and monkeys are funny/scary.

8. Egg McMuffins without the egg

9. Freshly sharpened pencils

10.  People who not only understand that some jokes get funnier with repetition, but who also agree with me about WHICH jokes get funnier with repetition.

0% Renewal Rate

Last year at about this time, the Buffalo newspapers and airwaves were filled with the rants of outraged Sabres fans denouncing the organization for allowing the co-captains to get away. Caller after WGR-caller declared they would BOYCOTT the organization. “NO MORE,” the citizens of SabreNation declared! “THE SABRES MANAGEMENT MUST BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE!”

Well, as it turns out, the outrage of the Sabres fan base might have been just a teensy bit overstated. Today the Sabres announced that they had a 97% renewal rate of their season ticket holders. The team went from 1st to 10th last year, and still, 97% of their highest paying customers came back for more. For a city so overcome with outrage, we certainly seem to enjoy attending Sabres games.

I have two thoughts on this:

1. Suck it, Buffalo News. Suck it hard.
2. Damn it! I’m never getting season tickets!

On the one hand, I’m pleased that so many people love the Sabres as much as I love them. On the other hand, this development marks the end of a dream for Heather B and me.

Last season, when everyone was threatening to jump ship, Heather and I started a little joke about attending the season opener. In accordance with the wide spread outrage, most of Buffalo would be outside protesting with torches and pitchforks, but Heather and I would go to the game…as the lone customers.

______

Katebits: Well, I say we just go ahead and buy the cheap tickets. We’ll walk right past all the protesters and up to the box office and buy our 300 level seats for twenty bucks. It’ll be so hilarious being in a completely empty arena, sitting a mile away from the ice, as the only paying customers. I bet that at some point during the skate-around a few of the players will bunch together and point us out to one another. Surely, one of them will shout up at us to move down to the seats behind the bench. It would be ridiculous for us to remain so far away when we’re the ONLY people there. I bet it will be Goose who invites us to move closer.

Heather B: Of course it’ll be, Goose. And when we get down to the glass he’ll ask us our names and introduce us to the team. Roy-Z will try to pretend he’s not disappointed that we’re not puckbunnies but he will be a little. Toni will nudge Hank and point at my jersey and Hank will blush a little but give a small wave with a big grin.

Katebits: They’ll all be super polite- except for Crunchy. He’ll just roll his eyes, but he’ll make an extra big show out of his pre-game “meditation” for our benefit.

Heather B: Crunchy will totally glance over every now and then to make sure we’re noticing him being all crazy.

Katebits: Since there is no one else in the building Darcy might come down and sit near us. He’ll bring us shrimp cocktail from the owners box…because he’s nice like that.

Heather B: Darcy will definitely come down. Since we’re the only two people in Buffalo who didn’t cancel our seats, he’ll know we’re friendly. As soon as he sits down I’ll ask him if he intends to re-sign Hank at the end of his contract and carefully explain why he should. Darcy will be so happy at not being called inept that he’ll amuse me.

Katebits: James Patrick might let me hold his clipboard.

Heather B: James Patrick might let *me* try on his fancy headset. I always wondered who he talks to in that thing.

Katebits: We’ll be on the jumbotron the whole night….um, kisscam might be awkward.

Heather B: Goose will recognize the awkwardness, skate over and kiss you, no problem.

Katebits: Gaaaasp! You’re so right! Goose is so thoughtful! He wouldn’t want kisscam to be awkward!

Heather B: Goose is the whole reason we’re down there in the first place. He’ll totally be looking out for us.

Katebits: Dude. This game is going to ROCK.

Heather B: The power play will suck - some things don’t change - and Lindy will stand up on the bench and yell for our input. We’ll fix everything, of course.

Katebits: If I’m feeling obnoxious and I yell “shoot” during the power play, I bet Tim Connolly will actually do it.

Heather B: Either that or he’ll turn around and scream, “GOD, SHUT UP! I HEAR YOU! BEING A HOCKEY PLAYER IS HARD!”

Katebits: And that’s when Lindy will let me bench Timmy for being a big baby.

Heather B: And Lindy will actually grumble to you, “What a baby. I want to bench him all the time.”

Katebits: Tooootally. Lindy and I will share a nod of friendship over the benching of stupid old Tim Connolly…..maybe even a fist bump.

Heather B: When I get up for refreshments Hank will skate over to ask me where I’m going. “For Dippin’ Dots.” “Oh, you don’t need to miss any of the game. Petey can get those for you.” And so Andrew Peters will go out to get me some mint chocolate Dippin’ Dots.

Katebits: Is that what Andrew Peters is there for? To fetch Dippin’ Dots? Huh.

Heather B: So, what’s Pommerdoodle doing during all of this? Something adorable, I’m sure.

Katebits: He’s skating around, winning the game. At least that’s what I presume Pommers is doing. That’s what he usually does, isn’t it?

Heather B: Yeah, that is Pommers. “Come on, guys! We still have a game to win here! Let’s stick with the system and the fans will come back!” Even if Pommers likes us I think he’s a little sad that we’re the only two people there.

Katebits: Pommers is going to be TOTALLY focused on winning back the hearts and minds of the Buffalo people.

Heather B: OMG, Rick will totally invite us up to the booth to sit for a while. He’ll interview us on TV and the P.A. guy will let us announce the goals with editorial comments of course. (”Scoring his first goal of the season, Thomas Vanek! Only 101 more before he earns his salary for the season!”)

Katebits: We are SO going to watch part of the game up with Rick and Harry. Kevin Sylvester will probably want to meet us as well, and then I can figure out once and for all if he’s hot or if he’s creepy.

Heather B: Hey, maybe the music director will ask us for playlists since we are the only ones there. We’ll have the first Fan Playlists in Sabres history!

Katebits: My playlist is going to be all viola music. I’m going to tame Toni Lydman with my beautiful playlist.

Heather B: Then we’ll get the world’s best LET’S GO BUFF-A-LO chant going while Sabretooth bangs on the glass in front of us. He then shoots t-shirts into the luxury boxes above us.

Katebits: No way! Sabretooth will shoot all the t-shirts right at us!….I just have to warn you, I think that this is going to be so fun that I’m going to get really drunk. I mean, this scenario calls for some giant beers, right? I’ll be too buzzed to drive after the game, so you’ll have to drive the train up Main Street. I’m sure they’ll let you drive the train. We’ll be the only people on it! Who’s going to notice or care if you drive the train for a few blocks?

Heather B: My drink of choice is Coca-Cola, so I’ll be sober.

Katebits: Excellent. You drink Coke, and I’ll drink giant Blue Lights…..The Sabres will win, of course.

Heather B: When a Sabre scores we’ll line up at the end of the bench and be included in the fist bumps. By the end of the night they’ll be calling you KB and me H-Dog.

Katebits: Ha! I seriously doubt they are creative enough for “KB” and “H-Dog”. Let’s face it. You’ll be B-sie and I’ll be Bitsie. That’s how we’ll know we’ve made friends with Millsie- when he starts calling us Bitsie and B-sie.

Heather B: This really will be the best game over. I’m so glad everyone is canceling their season tickets!

Katebits: I know! I bet they’ll let us drive the zamboni. Oooh! I bet they’ll let me operate the Transit Town Dodge Mini Blimp! I’m totally going to crash it. I hate that thing.

Heather B: It’ll land in a fiery blaze at center ice, all those poor coupons fluttering to the ground around it. Poor blimp.

Katebits: And the PA guy is going to let you scream “OH THE HUMANITY” over the loud speakers as the blimp goes down.

Heather B: When I get restless I’m gong to go sit under the press box and throw peanuts at the reporters while chanting, “Blogs! Blogs! Blogs! Blogs!” and saying really loudly, “WOW, I CAN’T WAIT TO GO HOME AND WRITE ABOUT THIS ON MY BLOG!”

Katebits: Ha! Bucky is going to be SPUTTERING with rage with you taunting him, Heather.

Heather B: Of course we HAVE to hang out with Rob Ray between the benches. He’ll invite us both down, even if it is a tight squeeze.

Katebits: You, me, and Rob, squished in between the benches. I like it.

Heather B: Rob will surprise us with a deep, philosophical discussion about the state of the world and sports’ place in it.

Katebits: Oh, Rob loves talking about the role that sports can play as a psychological salve during these troubled times in history…..This is going to kick ass.

Heather B: It really, really is.

Katebits: Just stay sober enough to drive the train home, okay? Someone has to stay sober, and it’s not going to be me.

Heather B: Deal.

You Hate the Sabres

I got an email today informing that I am #1007 on the Sabres Blue and Gold Club season ticket waiting list. What this means is that I’m going to need 1007 of you season ticket holders to fork ‘em over. Come on, guys. You don’t really want to go to all those games next season, do you?

You know, the Sabres really aren’t very good at hockey, and furthermore, the management it not at all committed to winning. I’m not sure if you remember, but they TOTALLY let Chris Drury and Daniel Briere just walk away. Brian Campbell? Remember him? He’s a Chicago Blackhawk now. No doubt Ryan Miller is next.

I think the only way you can express your displeasure is to cancel you season tickets. Cancel them right away! You’ve been an avid fan of the Sabres for 30 years, but dang it, this time Larry Quinn has gone TOO FAR! Tom Golisano could’ve paid for Brian Campbell, Chris Drury, AND Daniel Briere, if only he weren’t so CHEAP and OBSESSED with running a financially profitable business. He’s such a JERK! He doesn’t deserve your business or your hard earned money. Canceling your tickets would send a BOLD statement to the Sabres front office that you are NOT going to take it anymore!

Face it. Going to the arena makes you sick. You have better ways to spend your money. You’ve been watching the Sabres all your life and they’ve NEVER WON A SINGLE CUP. You’ve suffered enough.

Cancel your season tickets. Pass the message on. All the cool kids are doing it.

(Is it working? Are you disgusted with the Sabres? Am I #1006 on the waiting list, yet?)