This Is War

I don’t know how it came to this.

I don’t know when it got this bad.

I’ve tried to be a good fan. I’m sure I haven’t been perfect, but I know I’ve tried my hardest. Somehow, despite all of my good intentions, the situation has spun out of my control. At first I tried to ignore it, and then, when ignoring it failed, I tried to smooth things over, but nothing seemed to work. I can no longer ignore the truth. It’s time to face facts: The Sabres are trying to kill me.

This is Leslie, my new bodyguard.

I’m not going down without a fight. Do you hear me, Sabres?!  You’re not taking me down. YOU’RE NOT!

10 Things I Really Do Not Like About Hockey

1. I really do not like that going into overtime increases the total value of a game to three points.  This is my single biggest complaint about hockey.

2. I really do not like when the puck goes out of play.

3. I really do not like when players don’t bother wearing fake teeth.

4. I really don’t like it when the other team gets an empty net goal.

5. I really don’t like it when a broken stick is sitting on the ice forever, mucking up the works.

6. I really don’t like fights for no reason.

7. I really don’t like when both teams are all standing within two feet of the net, taking random whacks at the vicinity of the puck.

8. I really don’t like the artwork on most goalie helmets.

9. I really don’t like when the players chew on their mouth guards.

10. I really don’t like it when the Sabres lose.

Blog on Blog Violence

The hockey blogosphere is in a mighty tizzy today because fancypants blogger Eric McErlain wrote a piece about the New York Islanders “Blog Box” that was all, “The unprofessional bloggers wore JERSEYS, they are LAME and they are damaging the GOOD NAME of sports blogging”, and then even fancierpants blogger/journalist/folk hero, James Mirtle, wrote a piece that was all, “Loosen up, spaz! The internet is a big place.” (There might be a little creative paraphrasing, here.)

And then I was tooootally like, “I heart James Mirtle.”

I’ve been thinking about this issue all day, but you know what? Rather than expound on blogging, the nature of the media, snobbery, and the boneheads running the NHL, I’m instead going to post this picture of a monkey hugging a bird:

When I get my press pass, I’ll ask Pommers to autograph this picture.
That’s just the kind of blogger I am.

 

 

Open Letter To Thomas Vanek

Dear Thomas Vanek,

Before I get too far into this letter, I want to tell you how much you mean to me. It has been a rough summer for Sabres fans, and I think most everyone can agree that signing you to a long term contract was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark time. I am so proud to have you on our team, and I look forward to watching you grow as a player and a leader in the coming years. You seem like a genuine guy, and I wish only the best for you and your young family.

I feel that our relationship is at a cross roads. Due to the nature of your contract, we are bound to one another for the next seven years. As we embark upon our time together, I feel I must be honest with you about my feelings. I feel that in order to set the course for a happy and healthy relationship, I must address my reservations about you with honesty and openness. By clearing the air now, it is my hope that our union can blossom into a mutually satisfying experience.

So, please know that when I ask you the following question, I do so with love in my heart:

Why are you such a slag-faced whore?

I don’t understand why more people have not held you accountable for the offer sheet debacle. Sure, Kevin Lowe was the one who wrote up the contract, and Darcy Regier was the one that allowed the situation to get to that point, but Thomas, you are the one who signed the offer. You are the one who shopped for, and then signed a seven year deal to play for Edmonton. Who does that? Who signs away their best playing years, to join a bottom dwelling team, for a salary everyone agrees has not yet been earned? A whore, that’s who. I understand, it was well within your rights as an RFA to do what you did, but Thomas, it was gross. It was gross, and it was slutty.

Because of your actions, you have angered your management, created a massive unbalance of salary (don’t kid yourself into thinking this won’t effect your relationships with your teammates), and handcuffed the team with your hefty price tag. To make matters worse, you have created sky high expectations for your play next year. I hope you enjoy pressure, because for the foreseeable future you will be under the Buffalo microscope .

Now, the good news is is that you are an awesome hockey player. Every indication is that you may very well be the franchise player of our dreams. I want nothing more than for you to succeed, Thomas, and when you do, I will be the first to congratulate you. Sure, you’ve been slutty- even whorish- this summer, but everyone makes mistakes, and the best way to cleanse yourself of your indiscretions is to play your ass off next season. I know you can do it, and you can count on my support. I believe in you, and no matter what, I will take comfort in the fact that even though you are a whore, you are our whore. (At least for the next seven years.)

With Love,

H. R. M. Katebits

P.S.- This picture goes a long way in restoring my faith in your character, Thomas. Keep up the good work!