Important Football Commentary

I think we can all agree that football is, for the most part, disgusting.  Luckily for us, “disgusting” and “awesome” are not mutually exclusive.  (Case in point: Evgeni Malkin, and my recent inappropriate infatuation with Corey Perry.)

But there is one aspect of football that is just DISGUSTINGLY WRONG.

I am, of course, talking about armholes.

Here is an example of Owens and Fitzpatrick modeling proper sleeves, with decent, god-fearing armholes:

Modest, attractive, appropriate for children.

And here is an example of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ARMHOLES.

MY EYES!  MY EYES!

These armholes must be stopped.  While I am sure that there are some who enjoy looking at gigantic, beefy armpits, I am not one of these people.  Keep your armpits to yourself, Aaron Schobel.

That is all.

It’s Football Season!

Every once in awhile, in a desperate attempt to find inspiration, I start nosing around in my blog draft pile.  Most of the abandoned posts in my draft pile are there for a reason.  They’re unfinished, or unfunny, or just all-around lame- but every once in awhile, I find a post that has somehow aged well.  Some bad blog posts are like a fine wine, I guess.  For whatever reason, I didn’t like this post enough to publish it when I wrote it, but with a little distance, I find it amusing.

The date on the draft of this post is November 18, 2008.  I don’t remember anything happening last season with the Bills that was so dramatically awful that it deserved this treatment, but I think this post corresponds with the Monday Night game against Cleveland.  Seriously, I can’t believe I was this dramatic about it.

There is certainly nothing dramatically bad occurring with the Bills right now (other than extreme pre-season suck), and yet, this post seems somehow appropriate.  I think this kind of borderline-condescending, pathetic sympathy is just funnier when there is nothing actually bad going on.

Side note: I can’t BELIEVE that Trent Edwards still has this haircut.  Honestly, that is some misguided shit, right there.

So, without further ado, here is a blog post originally titled “The Bills Are Suckers, and You’re Too Good For Them”

The Bills Are Suckers, And You’re Too Good For Them, By Kate Bitz

One of the things I think I am good at is helping people through a rough emotional patch.  Like, if your boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be a sucker, I’d probably be a good person to call when you want to cry, drink, bitch, or be told you’re too good for him/her.  If you want to be indulged in some old fashioned “He was the loooove of my life” style wailing, or just be distracted for the evening, I’m your girl.  If you want to cry, I can handle it.  If you want to be distracted, I’m willing to be a clown in order to make you laugh.  If you want to be unreasonable, I will encourage your outrage until it stops being cathartic, and then I will help to calm you back down.  I will indulge you in almost anything just so that you can get from one minute to the next until the pain is not so acute.

So, Bills fans, I say this next thing with love in my heart.  I say this as someone who is looking at this situation from the outside, and as someone who has your best interests in mind.  There are many things I will allow you to say and do today.  You’ve had a really, really rough day, and you deserve to be pissed, depressed, and sad.  You’ve earned the right to wallow.  You are free to throw temper tantrums, and cry and carry on in all manner of undignified ways, but there is one thing (just one) that I will not indulge.

God does not hate Buffalo, and Buffalo is not cursed.  That is hogwash and I won’t stand for it.

Now, let’s go get drunk, hit on bartenders, and cry until we laugh.  Come on.

Honestly

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Shut up, Favre.

(Although it is mildly amusing to me that he’s a Viking.  That is EFFED UP.)

Oh, Sweetpea

Bills fans, treat yourselves gently this week.  Take a bubble bath, write in your journals, make sure you get enough sleep.  May I suggest a nice warm cup of hot chocolate?  It’s important that you remember that there is still a lot of joy in the world.

See?

I’m not going to try to make you feel better about the football situation.  While there is still a lot of football left to be played, the Bills have been stinky.  It’s true.  It’s true that the Bills have been horrendous, and you know what?  You deserve better.  You are a strong, fun, awesome person, and you shouldn’t let the Bills get you down.

It’s going to be okay.  Call me if you need anything.  I’m here for you.

Dear Sports

Dear Baseball,

Sweet mother of mercy, you’re a slow poke.  Do you really need so many pitching changes?   I will always love you, but DANG you’re a slow moving mofo.  (But thanks for creating a situation where we got to see five men in the infield last night.  That was a hoot.  I’m rooting for Philly, but I wish that sassy scheme had worked, just for the wacky factor.)

Warmly,

Kate

*******

Dear Football,

I like you when the Bills win, but when they lose I feel resentful about the time I lost watching you.  I think I’d often prefer to be doing other things.  Sorry.

From,

Kate

*******

Dear Basketball,

Um, I know almost nothing about you.  Carry on.

Sincerely,

Kate

*******

Dear Hockey,

I love you so.  I love how you are fast, and beautiful, and dangerous.  I love how there is very little downtime during a hockey game.  I think you are so much better than the others.

Love,

Kate

3-0!

Yup.

It wasn’t pretty- until the very very end when it suddenly became the prettiest game I ever did see.

That game was an ugly duckling.  It was a scrawny little game that blossomed into a heroic Trent Edwards swan.

The Willful CaBills!

I’ve had a very lovely weekend.

1. On Saturday I went to Gay Bingo.  Yeah, you heard me.  I tromped through the rain and into a church basement to play Gay Bingo which is a fund raiser to support AIDS and HIV related support services.  Obvy, it’s a good cause so it would have been a worthwhile evening no matter what, but I had a particularly good time because I WON $175 playing Gay Bingo!  I’m, like, a Gay Bingo genius!  Gay Bingo makes for a really fun night and I can highly recommend it to everyone, gay or straight.  Drag queens, funny audience participation, a good cause, pizza…..Gay Bingo has it all.

Bingo is merry and gay.

2. DUDE!  The Bills are 2-0!  As a seasoned Bills fan (two weeks and counting) I can tell you with absolute certainty that the tides have turned and this team is the real deal.  Trent Edwards is a hero and I’m pretty sure the Bills will never lose again.  Also, if you don’t feel like drinking beer you can put your Bills jersey bottle cozy on your Diet Coke and it looks like one of the smushier-type football players.

Nothin’ wrong with a little muffin top.

Bills Win!….How Odd.

To call myself a fan of the Bills is a bit of a stretch, but over the last year I’ve been paying wary attention to their shenanigans.  I think we can all agree that last season was lame.  When they weren’t losing miserably, they were winning boringly.  It was an all-around bad scene.

I learned something amazing today:  I love the Bills when they don’t suck harder than any football team has ever sucked in the history of sucking!

Today was the first game I’ve seen the Bills play where they both won convincingly and didn’t make me think “football is such a boring sport” while doing so.  I didn’t see all the games last year (maybe there were some that weren’t so bad), but really the only ones I remember involved freakish last minute losing and necks breaking on the field, so really, there wasn’t much place to go but up in my mind.

Three things:

1.  I watched the game over at Jeannine and Dinesh’s house and first we ate nachos and then we ate apple crisp.  It was rainy and fall-like and wonderful.

2. There is nothing more hilarious than a faked field goal touchdown.

3.  I’m T-O-T-A-L-L-Y smitten with Trent Edwards.  This Trent Edwards appreciation has been building for a few weeks now, and I reeeeally wish I had said something about this earlier because now it’s going to seem like I only like him because of his snazzy game today.  I’m not going to lie, the snazzy game was awesome (and alluring), but the real reason I like Trent Edwards is because I feel like if Hollywood was casting a movie and the description of the movie was, “Self possessed rookie quarterback unites a ragtag group of overachievers to bring victory and joy to a struggling blue collar community”- Trent Edwards might actually be the guy you’d hire to play the role of the quarterback.  I’m not saying that I think he will lead the Bills to constant uplifting victory, but I’m saying he really looks the part.  I like that about him.  It was cool how J.P. was always picking up the trash on the Eastside, but all he really inspired in me was a general sense of, “I should considering joining in to help keep Buffalo clean….maybe I’ll plant a tree.”  Trent Edwards, on the other hand, makes me want to watch the Bills.

Important News

Where were you when you found out Brett Favre was traded to the Jets?

Me? I was looking at a picture of this guy:

My immortal beloved. My hokey pokey soulmate.

According to swimmer savvy reader, kjew1684, this is NOT Ryan Lochte, but rather Peter Vanderkaay. Some cursory investigation confirmed this information. So, I’m sorry Ryan Lochte, whoever you are. We had a fun 24 hours, but our love was never real because, frankly, you’re not the guy I thought you were.

It’s annoying that Brett Favre is now in the Bills division, but not as annoying as accidentally declaring your undying devotion to the wrong Olympic swimmer.

NFL “Contracts”

As most of you know, I’m fairly new to the world of sports intricacies. Until this week I didn’t know a single solitary thing about football contracts. I still know almost nothing, and this post will surely reflect both my level of knowledge and my research on the subject (zilch).

This Jason Peters stuff is puzzling.

Um….please go to work.

There are two things that are blowing my mind about Jason Peters “holding out”:

1. How can a person under contract demand a new contract? Isn’t that….the point of a contract? Two parties agree on something and then they write it down on paper, sign it, and then both parties are CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to fulfill the terms of the contract. It’s a good system. I myself work with a contract, and while I don’t love every little aspect of my contract (seriously BPO, I should be able to wear open-toed shoes for concerts), it also benefits me in a variety of ways, the most important being that I can’t just be fired for no good reason.

Which brings me to the second reason my mind is blown…

2. Apparently, football players can just be fired for no good reason. Now, I assume a really good football player wouldn’t be fired for no good reason, but still, NFL contracts are not guaranteed. This is confusing to me. Isn’t the point of a contract that all parties are CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to fulfill the terms of the contract? Don’t these football players have a union? Let me tell you, this crapski would NOT fly with the American Federation of Musician. No siree.

Apparently, in the NFL this is how things are done. Players and management are constantly renegotiating in the middle of contracts. This system seems quite silly, but what do I know? I’m but a simple violist. So, I really don’t know what to think about the Jason Peters thing.

All I know for sure is that someone needs to sit the NFL down and (slowly) explain (in simple terms) how contracts are supposed to work. I don’t think they get it.