Archive for the 'Football' Category

Important Football Commentary

I think we can all agree that football is, for the most part, disgusting.  Luckily for us, “disgusting” and “awesome” are not mutually exclusive.  (Case in point: Evgeni Malkin, and my recent inappropriate infatuation with Corey Perry.)

But there is one aspect of football that is just DISGUSTINGLY WRONG.

I am, of course, talking about armholes.

Here is an example of Owens and Fitzpatrick modeling proper sleeves, with decent, god-fearing armholes:

Modest, attractive, appropriate for children.

And here is an example of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ARMHOLES.

MY EYES!  MY EYES!

These armholes must be stopped.  While I am sure that there are some who enjoy looking at gigantic, beefy armpits, I am not one of these people.  Keep your armpits to yourself, Aaron Schobel.

That is all.

It’s Football Season!

Every once in awhile, in a desperate attempt to find inspiration, I start nosing around in my blog draft pile.  Most of the abandoned posts in my draft pile are there for a reason.  They’re unfinished, or unfunny, or just all-around lame- but every once in awhile, I find a post that has somehow aged well.  Some bad blog posts are like a fine wine, I guess.  For whatever reason, I didn’t like this post enough to publish it when I wrote it, but with a little distance, I find it amusing.

The date on the draft of this post is November 18, 2008.  I don’t remember anything happening last season with the Bills that was so dramatically awful that it deserved this treatment, but I think this post corresponds with the Monday Night game against Cleveland.  Seriously, I can’t believe I was this dramatic about it.

There is certainly nothing dramatically bad occurring with the Bills right now (other than extreme pre-season suck), and yet, this post seems somehow appropriate.  I think this kind of borderline-condescending, pathetic sympathy is just funnier when there is nothing actually bad going on.

Side note: I can’t BELIEVE that Trent Edwards still has this haircut.  Honestly, that is some misguided shit, right there.

Picture 1

So, without further ado, here is a blog post originally titled “The Bills Are Suckers, and You’re Too Good For Them”

The Bills Are Suckers, And You’re Too Good For Them, By Kate Bitz

One of the things I think I am good at is helping people through a rough emotional patch.  Like, if your boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be a sucker, I’d probably be a good person to call when you want to cry, drink, bitch, or be told you’re too good for him/her.  If you want to be indulged in some old fashioned “He was the loooove of my life” style wailing, or just be distracted for the evening, I’m your girl.  If you want to cry, I can handle it.  If you want to be distracted, I’m willing to be a clown in order to make you laugh.  If you want to be unreasonable, I will encourage your outrage until it stops being cathartic, and then I will help to calm you back down.  I will indulge you in almost anything just so that you can get from one minute to the next until the pain is not so acute.

So, Bills fans, I say this next thing with love in my heart.  I say this as someone who is looking at this situation from the outside, and as someone who has your best interests in mind.  There are many things I will allow you to say and do today.  You’ve had a really, really rough day, and you deserve to be pissed, depressed, and sad.  You’ve earned the right to wallow.  You are free to throw temper tantrums, and cry and carry on in all manner of undignified ways, but there is one thing (just one) that I will not indulge.

God does not hate Buffalo, and Buffalo is not cursed.  That is hogwash and I won’t stand for it.

Now, let’s go get drunk, hit on bartenders, and cry until we laugh.  Come on.

Honestly

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Shut up, Favre.

(Although it is mildly amusing to me that he’s a Viking.  That is EFFED UP.)

Oh, Sweetpea

Bills fans, treat yourselves gently this week.  Take a bubble bath, write in your journals, make sure you get enough sleep.  May I suggest a nice warm cup of hot chocolate?  It’s important that you remember that there is still a lot of joy in the world.

2233046838_ab6a93407a.jpg

See?

I’m not going to try to make you feel better about the football situation.  While there is still a lot of football left to be played, the Bills have been stinky.  It’s true.  It’s true that the Bills have been horrendous, and you know what?  You deserve better.  You are a strong, fun, awesome person, and you shouldn’t let the Bills get you down.

It’s going to be okay.  Call me if you need anything.  I’m here for you.

Dear Sports

Dear Baseball,

Sweet mother of mercy, you’re a slow poke.  Do you really need so many pitching changes?   I will always love you, but DANG you’re a slow moving mofo.  (But thanks for creating a situation where we got to see five men in the infield last night.  That was a hoot.  I’m rooting for Philly, but I wish that sassy scheme had worked, just for the wacky factor.)

Warmly,

Kate

*******

Dear Football,

I like you when the Bills win, but when they lose I feel resentful about the time I lost watching you.  I think I’d often prefer to be doing other things.  Sorry.

From,

Kate

*******

Dear Basketball,

Um, I know almost nothing about you.  Carry on.

Sincerely,

Kate

*******

Dear Hockey,

I love you so.  I love how you are fast, and beautiful, and dangerous.  I love how there is very little downtime during a hockey game.  I think you are so much better than the others.

Love,

Kate

3-0!

Yup.

It wasn’t pretty- until the very very end when it suddenly became the prettiest game I ever did see.

That game was an ugly duckling.  It was a scrawny little game that blossomed into a heroic Trent Edwards swan.

The Willful CaBills!

I’ve had a very lovely weekend.

1. On Saturday I went to Gay Bingo.  Yeah, you heard me.  I tromped through the rain and into a church basement to play Gay Bingo which is a fund raiser to support AIDS and HIV related support services.  Obvy, it’s a good cause so it would have been a worthwhile evening no matter what, but I had a particularly good time because I WON $175 playing Gay Bingo!  I’m, like, a Gay Bingo genius!  Gay Bingo makes for a really fun night and I can highly recommend it to everyone, gay or straight.  Drag queens, funny audience participation, a good cause, pizza…..Gay Bingo has it all.

Gay Bingo

Bingo is merry and gay.

2. DUDE!  The Bills are 2-0!  As a seasoned Bills fan (two weeks and counting) I can tell you with absolute certainty that the tides have turned and this team is the real deal.  Trent Edwards is a hero and I’m pretty sure the Bills will never lose again.  Also, if you don’t feel like drinking beer you can put your Bills jersey bottle cozy on your Diet Coke and it looks like one of the smushier-type football players.

Pudgy Bill

Nothin’ wrong with a little muffin top.


…A Blog About the Buffalo Sabres

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I can be reached at: willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com

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In accordance with the Fair Use Copyright Law, The Willful Caboose uses logos and registered trademarks of the National Hockey League to convey my criticism and inform the public of the Sabres' suckitude/badassitude (whatever the case may be). Photos on The Willful Caboose are used without permission, but do not interfere with said owner's profit. If you own a specific image on this site and want it removed, please e-mail me (willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will be more than happy willing to oblige. (Special thanks to The Pensblog for their help with this disclaimer.)

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