I have a little admission to make. The BPO summer season ended two weeks ago and since then I haven’t had anything to do. At all. Normally during this time I travel all over creation, but this year, due to house hunting and the constant packing and unpacking, I’ve chosen to stay close to home.
It’s great. I make an excellent woman of leisure. I’m never bored and I spend very little time sitting around doing nothing, but basically I just hang out with my BFFs, watch Olympics, grill, and stay up really late. REALLY LATE. I’m all turned around in terms of night and day right now. I’m telling you all this by way of explanation for the fact that I am about to do a live blog of a sport I know nothing about, being played by a bunch of foreign girls I’ve never heard of, with names that are very hard to spell. Unlike most Americans who are all blurry eyed and worn out from staying up too late night after night watching the Olympics, I’ve got the time and energy for this type of dicey blogging right now. (That is, of course, no guarantee that this live blog won’t suck.)
Pre Round One
I love how just a few days ago these girls had to pretend to be BFFs and all supportive of one another, and now they can just go ahead and shoot death glares at each other over the chalk bowl. There is no way these girls don’t hate each other. No way at all. Nastia is sporting a hot pink number with accompanying pink scrunchy, and Shawn is sporting the classic shiny red l’tard, with an oh-so-cute gold ribbon. It’s like Gidget versus……someone very unGidgetty.
Round One: Vaultilicious
The Chinese gymnast Yang Yilin performs a perfectly serviceable vault with just a tiny, lady-like hop on the landing.
Dude. Nastia Liukin LAID IT DOWN on the vault. After reading Margee’s Squee-Off, I think I’ve decided I’m a Nastia girl. She’s hard core. She stuck the HELL out of that landing. Is there anything more satisfying than a stuck landing? I think not.
Shawn Johnson has some kind of cross legged probs going on with her vault.
Back in the day, didn’t they do two vaults? Didn’t Mary Lou do two perfect vaults to get the gold? EEEEEEE!! There she is! I still love her! MARY LOU!!!
Oops. Jiang Yuyuan falls flat on her ass. Good thing she’s only fourteen-years-old and she’s young enough that she can participate in the next eight Olympic games.
Pre Round Two
Um, we see the men swim some qualifying rounds of some race or another. We don’t care about this NBC.
Ooo! A bars routine from one of the much maligned Romanians. The NBC announcers are so sad that the Romanian girls aren’t being ripped from their homes as toddlers and locked in dingy gymnasiums anymore. There has been lots of talk this week about how the Romanians are lazy, and compulsive text messengers, and you know, NORMAL TEENAGERS. It’s such a tragedy how far the Romanian gymnastics program has fallen blah blah blah. This makes me want the Romanians to win it all. I want a Romanian sweep.
Nastia was ROBBED on her vault score! If looks could kill, everyone in that arena would be dead right now….
11:45 pm Round Two: Uneven Bar-o-rama
Nastia: Pretty bad ass. I love it when I’m not scared for a second they’re going to fall off the apparatus. Big step on the landing, but that’s cool. NBC tells us Nastia looks great on the bars because she’s got “good lines”. That’s NBC commentator speak for “not so square shaped”.
Speaking of square shaped…..
Shawn: She’s looking awfully adorable tonight. You really can’t argue with that charming button nose. NICE! Stuck landing.
Al tells us Shawn and Nastia are roommates at the Olympic Village. Wait. Shawn and Nastia are ROOMMATES? These two woke up in the same room this morning? That’s just twisted. Gymnastics could NOT be more fucked up.
Jiang Yuyuan: She is zipping around these bars like a little butterfly, isn’t she? Nice work recovering from the vault kiddo! It’s great how a seven-year-old can bounce back from disappointment so quickly.
Nastia is trying to kill Jiang with her evil glare.
NBC must think this Romanian chick has got a shot because now we’re watching her balance beam routine. Go Romania! Do it for the all the slacker chicks! I should make some effort to learn this girls name. I think it’s something like Stilya.
It is REALLY hard to live blog with all these non-Nastia/Shawn names. Here’s a feisty little Russian with forty-five clips in her hair kicking ALL kinds of ass on the parallel bars. So far the ladies are NOT falling off all the apparatuses like the men were last night. I suppose I should be glad.
Yang Yilin: Um. Cha-ching. That was money. (As Pookie would say.)
I think I like the uneven parallel bars the best. The bars are the only event that I think looks more beautiful than it looks terrifying. All the other events make me scared that someone is going to die, but this one is just like….”Ooooh. Preeeetty.”
12:05am Round Three Balance Beam of Doom
Shawn: Rats! One little wobble detracts from an otherwise rock solid routine. I have LOVED watching her on the beam this week. She is the most fun to watch on the beam BY FAR. “High five, Shawn!”
Jiang Yuyuan: Oopsies. Kinda wobbly. Good thing she’s only three. She probably won’t remember any of this when she grows up. Jiang should fly to Buffalo specifically to punch me in the face for making fun of her (she’d need a foot stool, of course), because I’m not so sure I could even walk all the way across a balance beam without falling off.
Aw, drat. Stylia (or whatever her name is) has a rough one on the floor routine.
Uh-oh. Is this judging a TOTAL OUTRAGE? Jiang scores the same as Shawn. Even Shawn’s perky disposition is starting to show signs of Nastia-like rage.
Okay, the Russian gal’s name is Ksenia Semenova. Got that? You should remember because she is looking quite spiffy thus far.
Yang Yilin: Yikes. That was totally wiggly…..which means she’s probably going to get the highest score. The announcers are starting to get super testy about the scoring. I bet Bela Karoyli is starting to scare Blob Costas with his rage in the studio.
Nastia Luikin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Perfect! That was awesome and super beaut.
If she doesn’t get a huge score here the NBC broadcasting crew is going to start an international incident.
Yay! She gets the big score! Nasty takes the lead!
Are you telling me this is all going to come down to the floor routine? BOO! I hate the floor routine. I hate the music and the “dance” moves. I think they should take out the floor routine and replace it with the trampoline.
12:33am Round Four: Stupid Old Floor Routine
Jiang Yuyuan: Hm. That was quite genuinely sassy and SUPER adorable! Eighteen months is such a fun age.
Whaa? Who’s this chick? Some Russian suddenly shows up and does a floor routine. Has she been here all night? I swear to Lindy Ruff this girl just showed up. That was NICE, Random Russian Chick Who Suddenly Appeared in the Last Rotation of the All-Around!
Here’s the Russian I know! Ksenia Semenova: The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! That was badass!
Shawn Johnson on the sidelines is starting to look like she needs a hit off an asthma inhaler, Goonies-style.
Yang Yilin: The Chinese have good choreography. You can’t really argue with that routine. Solid, artistic, enjoyable. *fist bump, Yang*
OH MY GOD! SHUT UP, AL. You are being such an ASS with all this “If the Americans just do what they’ve ALREADY DONE, they are GOING to win.” SHUT UP. Shut UO! That’s such an ANNOYING thing to say, NOT TO MENTION THE JINXING IMPLICATIONS. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!
Nastia Luikin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Shut up, Al!) That was AWESOME! Nastia is so cool. Yeah, she seems like she might be a MEGA BEEYOTCH, but in a good way. I love her.
Shawn Johnson: She’s going to have to settle for being America’s Sweetheart. WOO!
Okay. I have to turn this coverage off RIGHT AWAY, because I really can’t stand Al Trautwig for even ONE MORE SECOND.
Well, that was awfully satisfying. I have to say, I wasn’t sure if I would be rooting for the Americans in this one or not, but good old Nastia really won me over tonight.