I took the loss last night pretty hard. I consider this blog a labor of love, and sometimes (when I am feeling FAR from loving towards the Sabres) I go to a dark place, and I resent the time and effort I put into this blog and following this stinky team. But in my heart of hearts, I know that’s on me. If I’m going to become a cranky beeyotch because of following hockey, I probably shouldn’t follow hockey anymore. I can’t really blame the Sabres for ruining my day, because I’m an adult human who has great family, friends and a tupperware full of homemade marshmallows. Life really doesn’t need to be this angst-y, ya know?
So, today I said to myself, “Self, you need to stop letting the Sabres get you down,” and I set about trying to find a funny angle to this generally unfunny scene. Fortunately for me, that’s when my phone rang. It was my friend Dinesh, and before we moved on to the official reason for his call, we had a brief chat about the Devils game.
Dinesh: So, you were at the game last night?
Kate: Sadly, yes.
Dinesh: That bad?
Kate: The Sabres are just not good at playing hockey.
Dinesh: Well, everybody’s good at something. Maybe hockey just isn’t the Sabres thing.
This made me laugh. Pretty hard, actually. I think Dinesh has a good point. Lord knows the Sabres are not good at hockey, but they must be good at something. Everybody IS good at something. This got me thinking, “What are these guys good at? If not hockey, what?”
In an effort to figure out what they’re good at, I faxed out one of those “career aptitude” tests to the Sabres this morning (you know, the test we all took in high school to determine what line of work we are most suited for. Bonus bit of Katebits trivia: My high school career aptitude test told me that I should be a parking lot attendant. I shit you not). The results have been trickling in, so here is your first installment of “Every Sabre’s Good at Something”. I may or may not return to this series, depending on how bad the Sabres get this season. I’ve found that I am most reliant on this type of blogging whimsy in the darkest of hockey watching hours.
In no way do I mean to suggest that these particular Sabres are any worse at hockey than any of the other Sabres. These are just the guys who have already turned in their career aptitude tests.
Jaroslav Spacek is best suited to being a guide at a natural history museum. His stern disposition and dry sense of humor make him an ideal candidate for keeping large groups of school children under control while they are on a field trip. The kids would start the tour terrified of him, and would end the tour laughing hysterically at his taxidermy-centric sense of humor. His experience skating backwards would serve him well when called upon to walk backwards through a museum while saying, “Right this way. Please follow me. On your right you’ll see the prehistoric pigeon, which scientists believe was used as trophy symbolizing triumph amongst the Homo Sapien Neanderthalensis. Of course, in modern times, the pigeon is a flying rat. Nothing more, nothing less. Now if you’ll come right this way we’ll continue our tour….” Fallback career: Flight attendant
Paul Gaustad is well suited to a variety of careers based in civil service, but we here at Katebit’s Talent Assessment feel Goose is best suited to being a stay-at-home dad. Can’t you just see Goose handing some little kid a baggy full of carrot sticks while bouncing another kid in the Baby Bjorn? Who better than Paul Gaustad to destroy the hearts, minds and marriages of the moms at nursery school? Plus, he’d solve the playground bully situation once and for all- by beating the little assholes up. Fallback Career: singing/dancing chimney sweep
Tim Connolly is best suited to being a viola player parking lot attendant. Fallback Career: Drug dealer