Archive for the 'Carolina Poopicanes' Category

What’s a Few Shorties Between Friends?

Final Score: 4-3, Hurricanes.

Recap: The Sabres were poopy, and then they lost.

Analysis: I guess the Sabres aren’t going to go 82-0? Yeah… I don’t know. This is confusing. I don’t really get it either.

The Bad News: The Sabres are all fired.

The Good News: With the exception of the Sabres being poopy, I thought last night was a hoot. Robin are so in love with our new seats that we sort of want to marry them. Instead of dealing with a gate at the end of our row, and having no nearby friends, we were surrounded by fun people who were willing to high five us when the Sabres scored. I drank just the right amount of beer, at just the right pace. The “clackers” weren’t clackers at all! They were just big fans that make a really pleasant and not-at-all-annoying swat-y sound when you swat them. (I was FULLY prepared to fire Ted Black over the clackers when I first heard about them. I’m sorry I doubted you, Ted.) My friend Hannah, age 12, texted this hiiiiilarious picture to us from the balcony, and it was so funny that we passed my phone around to everyone in our section so they could see it. My friend Alex gave me a really good suggestion, that I would like to pass along to you: We should all be saving all of our tickets stubs all season long, just in case the Sabres win the Stanley Cup. (It probably won’t be this year, because, let’s face it, the season is pretty much over. The Sabres already lost a game.) That way, when they win, we can make really cool framed displays of all the tickets from all the games we attended the year the Sabres won the Cup. When Staffy scored late in the third, we all get free 6 inch subs from Subway because the Sabres scored 3 or more goals. The “free sub” celebration was short-lived because the Canes are an unstoppable juggernaut (apparently), but it was a celebration nonetheless.  The Harbor Club was extra fun and chock full of fun people. After the Harbor Club we went out for a little while and eventually I was delivered safely home in Jessica’s ultra-chic minivan. Pretty good night.

Next Opponent: The Sid and Malkin-less Penguins.

Prediction: Just don’t give up any shorties tonight. Jeez.

Killer Instinct

Last night’s game was disappointing.  Not only were the Sabres shutout at home (and we didn’t get to hear Jeremy White’s goal song!), but they lost the opportunity to put the hated Carolina Poopicanes down for good.  Instead of being SIX points behind the Sabres, now the Poopicanes are only TWO points behind the Sabres.  LAME!

We could chalk this loss up to “You can’t win ‘em all,” except that they did this against the Leafs too!  When given the opportunity to take the Leafs out last weekend, they didn’t.  LAME!

Wake up and look at the evidence, people!  The Sabres have no killer instinct!  LAME!

Fortunately, Lindy Ruff is on it.  The Willful Caboose has obtained exclusive footage of Sabres practice.  Lindy Ruff has a plan to turn these guys into killing machines.  YAY!

Here we see Jason Pominville practicing his “killer instincts” in an exercise designed by Lindy Ruff.

Aw.

Pommerdoodle will be a cold-blooded killer in no time!   YAY!

_______

Everything is under control, Sabres fans.  Stay the course.

 

Part 3

Alright, it’s worked twice, so now I feel obligated to keep up with the pre-game letter writing.  The Sabres are NOT losing today.  NOT ON MY WATCH.

___________

Dear Sabres,

I feel that over the last few days we have developed a trust.  I give you some gentle advice, you follow it, and then everyone wins.  You win a hockey game, and I win a greater confidence in your ability to be awesome.  It’s been fun!

It’s because of this trust that I feel I need to come clean with you now.  Remember how I told you not to take the Lightning and the Panthers lightly, because even though it seems like they are stinky, in reality, they’re totally capable of beating you?  Remember that?  Well, I might have been slightly exaggerating their non-stinkyness.  Just a smidge.  The truth is, those teams really ARE pretty stinky. (I saw the Lightning last Sunday, and while they were great in the 1st period, they were TERRIBLE in the third.  They were so terrible that about 15 minutes into the third we all got preoccupied with our iphones in a quest to figure out if the Lightning had taken ANY shots on goal in the period.  [For some reason the arena was not keeping a period-specific shots-on-goal tally anywhere that we could easily see.]  What I’m trying to say is that the Lightning DO kind of suck.)

I’m admitting this to you now so that you know you can trust me.  My slight exaggeration was for your own good, and you can’t argue with the results.  By convincing yourselves that you were going to have to work hard to beat your opponent, you wound up winning easily.  I know it seems paradoxical (Crunchy, will explain what “paradoxical” means to you later), but it’s true.  Play easy, lose hard.  Play hard, win with ease.

So, I hope I have earned your trust.

I hope I have earned your trust because I am about to tell you something, and I really really really need you to listen as hard as you can.

*snaps fingers* Timmeh, stop sneering into thin air.  Look at me.  Right here. *imagine me using two fingers to point to my eyes, and then using those same two fingers to point to Timmeh’s eyes.  Back and forth between us.*  Right here, big guy.  Listen to me.

The Carolina Hurricane really are good at hockey. I know.  It makes no sense.  They sucked ASS at the beginning of the season.  If this were still November I’d probably be all, “Unless you show up drunk (like REALLY drunk), you’re going to beat the Hurricanes,” but sadly, this is NO LONGER THE CASE.  If you were thinking about showing up to the game even slightly buzzed, I URGE you to reconsider.  Carolina’s recent record is something like 24-1-0.*  You MUST play well against them or they will beat you in HUMILIATING fashion.  I’m really really really serious this time.  For rizzle.  The Hurricanes can eff you up, especially that Staal guy.  I HATE that guy.  DO not let him eff you up.  You should eff HIM up.

So, go out there and kick some ass.  I know you can do it.  You’ve been playing well, and organized, and beating a hot team on the road would be SUCH a good way of convincing yourselves and your fans that you plan to make some noise in the playoffs.  Everything is leading to the playoffs now.  Don’t you want to go barreling into the playoffs like an unstoppable juggernaut?  I think you do.

WOOOOOOO!

xoxoxoxo,

Katebits

PS- Crunchy might have to explain “paradoxical” to me as well, because I have no idea if my example actually is paradoxical.  Mostly, I just like how that word sounds.

*totally made up “recent record”

9 Things

1. What is wrong with the Hurricanes?  I mean, HONESTLY.  If the Sabres had played Lalime instead of Crunchy the score could have been 4-0 going into the third period, but even THAT wouldn’t have been enough for Carolina to overcome their complete and utter third period suckitude.  The third period was breathtaking, especially when you consider the Hurricanes did that last night too.

2. Rick might be right.  We’re not worthy (of Crunchy).

3. Except for Ryan Miller, for the first two periods the Sabres looked T to the E to the R to the R to the I to the B to the L to the E.  That was pukeriffic.

4. I miss Goose already.  *mournful honk*  (Side note: The other day I was hanging out with a percussionist friend and he pulled out his collection of bird calls.  Every once in a while a piece of music requires a bird call of some sort, and as a result all percussionists have a box of odd whistles and honks at the ready.  When my friend pulled out the goose call, I got all wistful imagining a whole arena of people honking away in tribute to Goose.  Now ordinarily I am VERY opposed to noisemakers in the stands, but just once it would be fun.  Especially if we could somehow surprise Goose with a chorus of genuine honks after his next goal.)

5. How drunk was Robi during the postgame report tonight?  Loved it.

6. When you play The Nutcracker you often feel like an animal in a zoo because a lot of parents bring their kids to the edge of the pit to look down at the orchestra. I’m never sure if I should wave at these children, or if I should just ignore them.  Wouldn’t it freak you out if an animal in a zoo made eye contact and then waved?  I don’t want to scare the children.

7. Every time they showed Crunchy during a stoppage of play, he was rooting around in his jersey.  Something about his pads must have been on his nervies tonight.  Did someone forget to add the fabric softener?   You can’t do that to him.  He has sensitive skin.

8. I know that by the time he scored it Vanek’s goal was pretty meaningless, but it was still nice to see.  I miss good Vanek.  I hope he comes back someday.

9. Now look, I loooove NYC, but I am SO INCREDIBLY SICK of the “rah rah New York City” commercials that we have to watch on MSG.  We live in BUFFALO, MSG.  Buff. a. lo.  It’s DIFFERENT than NYC.  Quite.  Stop showing us commercials with a bunch of people beating their chests about The City.  We. Don’t. Care.  If a commercial doesn’t contain Cellino, Barnes, Yancy’s Fancy, Hurt in a Car?, or knotted ropes representing veins IT’S NOT FOR US.

5 Surprises of the New Season

1. The Sabres are good at hockey! Whaaaa?  Up is down, and black is white.

I’ve read and heard a LOT of discussion about whether fans are “buying in” to the new Sabres.  Everyone is asking themselves the hard questions.  Do I believe these guys are for real?  Or, having been burned (hard) in the past, am I skeptical?  Do I believe?

My answers: Yes, yes, who cares.

The Sabres have been weirdly good at hockey so far.  I use the word weird because…..dude, I did NOT see this coming, and at the same time I’m not even slightly surprised.   The changes that Darcy made this summer seemed so inconsequential in the face of what appeared to be major problems, but somehow everything feels different.  They’re playing hard, they seem defensively responsible, and the scoring is balanced.  (The one major difference between this year’s fast start and last year’s fast start is that last year Thomas Vanek basically singlehandedly scored all the goals in the month of October.  This year, everyone is chipping in. [Seriously, TV had TEN goals in October last year. Wowza.)

I’m in no rush to declare that I believe this team is “the real deal,” but I’m oddly proud of them. (Surely my fandom is playing some role in this hot start, right?  The Sabres have been reading this blog for years, and that’s why they’re suddenly good.  They’re taking my advice!  My advice has consistently been “stop sucking,” and they’re FINALLY taking it.)  All I know for sure is that I’m really enjoying watching the Sabres play hockey.  Hockey is awesome.  Good hockey is, like, megaSUPERawesome.

2. Goose is a FACEOFF WIZARD!

My Goose Appreciation sometimes clouds my judgment.  I actually think I’m a little harder on Paul Gaustad because of my affection for him.  I’m overcompensating.  Truthfully, I’m always a little surprised when he turns out to be good at hockey.  I’m like, “Goose’s job is to be all handsome and blinky and to occasionally attack various Devils….YOU MEAN HE’S NUMBER ONE IN FACEOFF PERCENTAGE TOO?!”  Be still my heart.  (About the “blinky” thing:  Something about the way Goose blinks amuses me.  Whenever I watch a Paul Gaustad interview I wish someone would edit in a sound effect every time he blinks.  Goose’s blinks should sound something like this.)

3. The Hurricanes totally suck!

I was looking at the standings this morning (What?- looking at the standings is fun when the Sabres are 8-1-1!) and I was shocked to see that the Hurricanes are the suckiest sucks in all of Suckville for some reason.  I doubt it will last, but it’s still funny.

4. Mike Grier seems nice.

I wasn’t a fan yet during Mike Grier’s first tour of duty as a Sabre.  All I really knew of him was the way he left the team, which in the retelling sounds kind of diva-ish.  I always imagined Mike Grier tossing his hair on the way out of town, as if to say, “Not only do I not love you anymore, I never loved you in the first place.  Buffalo.”  I know, I know.   His reputation is one of a hard working, grinder, leader-y type, but I think I half expected him to pout his way through the season.  He’s been such a pleasant surprise.  One of the funnest things so far this season has been watching his very charming and smiley goal celebrations with Tim Kennedy.  Mike Grier is exactly who this team needed.

5. Tim Kennedy is badass, but not in the way I expected him to be badass.

I thought Kennedy was going to be a slick, speedy, pint-sized goal scorer, a la Danny Briere, but instead he’s a feisty, sometimes punchy, seems-right-at-home-on-the-third-line, defensive minded, pint-sized grinder.  I will give Lindy Ruff full credit for this one.  Putting Kennedy on a line with Grier and Hecht was a very clever move.

What the Hell?

Stop acting like you don’t suck, Canes….

…………..also, shut up, Favre.

Sabres @ Hurricanes 4/9/09

Pregame

Mood: Surprisingly chipper.  For reasons beyond my comprehension, I have been looking forward to this game all day.  I have no idea why, because this game will almost certainly lead to heartbreak, anger, and tears, but I dunno….it’s nice outside.  I’m in a good mood.  Go hockey!  I hear the Hurricanes have been downright juggernaut-y which is making me kind of curious to see how the Sabres look against them.  If the Hurricanes are anything like the Red Wings the Sabres will look “like poo” against them, but I don’t care how good the Hurricanes have been lately, they’re no Red Wings.  They have to lose eventually, right?
Favorite Sabre: HONK!  Also, hey Nathan Paetshcatshchatshch!  I guess I kind of missed you!
Least Favorite Sabre: When I think about the coming off season, and the Sabres ability (or non-ability) to make drastic changes to the roster, I resent the hell out of Tim Connolly.
Prediction: Hurricanes win 187-3
Peeps representing my hopes for this game: Kentucky Fried Peeps

peepsbucket200

We’re in this together, like a bunch of peeps in a bucket…..or something.

After the 1st (1-0, Sabres)

Mood: I’m now surprisingly bummed to see that the Rangers are winning 2-0 after the first.  I can’t buh-LIEVE that I apparently had a little bit of hope for the playoffs remaining.  Sports make people crazy, yo.
Favorite Sabre: Hey!  When exactly did Pommerdoodle remember how to play hockey?  Is it just me, or does he look like a professional hockey player again?  Good timing, P-Doods.  *eye roll*
Least Favorite Sabre: I can’t believe that in his morning skate interview Lindy Ruff used BRIAN CAMPBELL as an example of why we should be patient with our players.  WE SHOULD BE PATIENT LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO GO SIGN A HUGE CONTRACT WITH ANOTHER TEAM?  IS THAT THE PLAN, LINDY?  BECAUSE THAT PLAN SUCKS.  I know, I know, we have our currently sucky players under lifetime contracts.  We can afford have no choice but to be patient with them.  BUT STILL.  Honestly, Lindy.
Summary of events: Spacek, Connolly, and P-Doods worked together to score a goal so pretty that even I, the crankiest Sabres fan in the WORLD, was tempted to be all, “Aw, fuck it.  Let’s keep the gang together!  These guys have still got it!”
Peep representing this game thus far: Smoking Peep

Picture 14

We’ve all got to die somehow.  If our death is going to be because the Flyers lose to the Rangers, I say we just throw caution to the wind and have a smoke.

After the 2nd (4-0, Sabres)

Mood: Well, the surprising moods just keep on coming.  In this period (which saw the Sabres score three goals), I moved into “blind rage”.  I….can’t believe that Sabres are serving up an organized, hard fought, dominant performance against the hottest team in the league.  Sabres, WE COULD HAVE USED THIS KIND OF EFFORT TWO WEEKS AGO AGAINST THE THRASHERS. AAAAAAAARGH I HATE THEM SO MUCH.  I can’t believe these little a-holes have reduced me to rooting desperately FOR THE FLYER.
Favorite Sabre: Danny Briere
Least Favorite Sabre: Chris Drury
Summary of events: I can just HEAR Darcy Regier on WGR next week, “Well, it was a disappointing season, but we really feel we have a good team in place.  We had a lot of bad luck this season.  The injuries to Thomas and Ryan really hurt us in February, but I think the game against Carolina is indicative of the kind of potential that we have in this locker room. We have a lot of confidence that we’re on the right track for next season and for many seasons to come.”
Peep representing my hopes for this game: Peep show

funny-pictures-peep-show-easter-candy

It’s just hard to have any respect for this, you know?

At the End (5-1, Sabres)

Mood: I’ve come full circle, and I’m calm again.  (Boy this game was a roller coaster of emotion, huh?)  At least they died with dignity (if by “dignity” you mean “standing around in the locker room praying that the Flyers mount a miracle comeback against the Rangers).  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- it’s amazing how sports test our capacity for hope.  I’m sad.
Favorite Sabre: Ryan Miller, you are a star and a class act.  If there is one thing we’ve learned this season it’s that the Sabres are nothing without you.  Please take your ankle steroids this summer.
Least Favorite Sabre: Oh, hell.  I don’t know.
Peeps representing how it feels to sit around hoping the Flyers win:

230838649_4838929450

It’s rather disconcerting.

Sabres vs Hurricanes 2/15/09

Pregame

Mood: I work a lot of Sundays, so I very rarely get to sit around and enjoy a day of wall-to-wall hockey.  Today I got up, and puttered around for a few hours making to-do lists, and preparing for a day of errands, and blah blah blah….how annoying.  In a sudden and brilliant change of plans, I decided I was going to spend the ENTIRE day watching hockey.  No practicing, no laundry, no cooking (I went to Weggies and bought a rotisserie chicken this morning, so I’ve been munching on that guy), and no feeling even the slightest bit guilty about “wasting” a day. This will be my third hockey game of the day from the comfy chair.  I’m feeling downright blissed out.  (Oddly, during the Devils game, in the middle of my lethargy, I managed to do my taxes.  So, technically I haven’t done nothing today.  Taxes aren’t nothing.)
Favorite Sabre: I love how Pommerdoodle busted out of his slump on Friday, but it was Craig Rivet who busted into my heart.
Least Favorite Sabre: Vanek’s jaw.
Prediction: This game has some very serious “emotional letdown” potential from the Sabres, and after back-to-back humiliating losses the Hurricanes have GOT to be desperate for a win.  Hm…… Sabres win, 63-1.
Chore I should have done this afternoon representing my hopes for this game: Dishes

dirty-dishesI don’t actually mind doing dishes, but you wouldn’t know it from looking at my kitchen. (That’s my gentleman caller, Dudley, in the back there.  He comes by to do my dishes from time to time.  He did not come by today.)

After the 1st (2-0, Hurricanes)

Mood: I wish I hadn’t already done my taxes.  I’d do them again if I could.
Favorite Sabre:  They all look the same.  (Okay, wait.  Mike Robitaille is cracking me up by pointing angrily at the Robistrator with his middle finger.  Robi is such a crotchety old crankpot.  He’s my favorite Sabre.)
Least Favorite Sabre: They all look the same.

Summary of events: The Sabres were batting their eyelashes all, “We’ve been lifting the hearts and minds of Western New Yorkers this week!”  And then the Hurricanes were all, “Yeah, we’re unimpressed.”
Chore I should have done this afternoon representing this game so far: Cleaned out the car.
6savuti2celephanttrunkgrasping

I’ve got a lot of junk in my trunk.

After the 2nd (2-0, Hurricanes)

Mood: Totally shocked.  This game should be 1,000,000-0.
Favorite Sabre: Aw, Patrick Lalime.  You don’t deserve to have to be in this game.
Least Favorite Sabre: Derek Roy is on my nerves, but it’s probably not fair to single him out.  They’re all totally lifeless.
Summary of Events: Well, first I ate some rotisserie chicken, and now I’m eating some Wegmans Green Apple Sorbet, which I can highly recommend.  As for the Sabres, they skated around listlessly, totally lodged in their own ends.
Chore I should have done this afternoon representing this game so far:  High level diplomacy
middle_east

Instead of watching this game I should have at least tried to broker peace in the Middle East.  I’m so incredibly lazy and lame.

At the end (3-0, Hurricanes)

Damn it.  I wish I had done my laundry.  I want clean sheets.


Spring Forward My Ass

Tonight is Spring Forward? But….it’s been relentlessly snowing all day. Today is the least springy day in the history of all days. I’ve spent half my day digging my car out from various snowbanks, and now you’re telling me I’m going to lose an hour of sleep tonight in the name of “Spring Forward”? Hmrph.

Tonight the Sabres are in sunny Carolina (wherever that is) to take on the Hurricanes. I think it would be just dandy if the Sabres could pull off a win. I’m going to have to leave it you guys to man the ship because I’ll be on stage entertaining those brave Buffalonians willing to brave the elements in order to avoid the Sabres. Heh.

I think the Slugs will come out BLAZING tonight! Everybody has “fresh slug legs”. Yo-Yo is back! Blazing I tell you!

Go Sabres!

Update: Curses! Not winning is a BAD plan for making the playoffs, Sabres. I’m not sure you understand the situation, boys. I’ll speak slowly. In order to get to the playoffs…..you need to win some games. You win games by scoring…….more……goals…..than the other team. Are you with me? Email me if you have any questions.

Toni Lydman, you are a bright shining star, and I am proud to call you Kate’s Favorite Sabre.

HurriLAMES

Tomorrow I am getting on a plane for a brief trip to the motherland (Minneapolis) so I will not be able to watch the Hurricane game……which is fine, because I’m not a fan of the Hurricanes. I dislike the scariness of the Senators, but I am a humorless, cranky bee-otch about the Hurricanes.

Hurricanes are assholes.

Although I didn’t watch a single regular season game last year, I did watch a lot of the 2006 playoffs. The very first hockey game I ever watched was against the Flyers (I think it was the Flyers). My friend Stefan drew a crude picture of the rink, explained the bluelines and icing, and I happily watched the entire game. It’s puzzling to me why that initial burst of hockey-loving didn’t stick. I was very caught up in the emotion of the city in the spring of 2006, but I wasn’t at all attached to the team or the players. I may have been just a passenger on the bandwagon back then, but I was there……at least a little. While it would be a full year before I started paying attention to the Sabres for good, I came by my dislike of the Hurricanes honestly.

Thankfully, things are different now. I could never hate a team as much as I love the Sabres.


…A Blog About the Buffalo Sabres

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I can be reached at: willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com

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In accordance with the Fair Use Copyright Law, The Willful Caboose uses logos and registered trademarks of the National Hockey League to convey my criticism and inform the public of the Sabres' suckitude/badassitude (whatever the case may be). Photos on The Willful Caboose are used without permission, but do not interfere with said owner's profit. If you own a specific image on this site and want it removed, please e-mail me (willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will be more than happy willing to oblige. (Special thanks to The Pensblog for their help with this disclaimer.)

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