Open Letter To Thomas Vanek

Dear Thomas Vanek,

Before I get too far into this letter, I want to tell you how much you mean to me. It has been a rough summer for Sabres fans, and I think most everyone can agree that signing you to a long term contract was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark time. I am so proud to have you on our team, and I look forward to watching you grow as a player and a leader in the coming years. You seem like a genuine guy, and I wish only the best for you and your young family.

I feel that our relationship is at a cross roads. Due to the nature of your contract, we are bound to one another for the next seven years. As we embark upon our time together, I feel I must be honest with you about my feelings. I feel that in order to set the course for a happy and healthy relationship, I must address my reservations about you with honesty and openness. By clearing the air now, it is my hope that our union can blossom into a mutually satisfying experience.

So, please know that when I ask you the following question, I do so with love in my heart:

Why are you such a slag-faced whore?

I don’t understand why more people have not held you accountable for the offer sheet debacle. Sure, Kevin Lowe was the one who wrote up the contract, and Darcy Regier was the one that allowed the situation to get to that point, but Thomas, you are the one who signed the offer. You are the one who shopped for, and then signed a seven year deal to play for Edmonton. Who does that? Who signs away their best playing years, to join a bottom dwelling team, for a salary everyone agrees has not yet been earned? A whore, that’s who. I understand, it was well within your rights as an RFA to do what you did, but Thomas, it was gross. It was gross, and it was slutty.

Because of your actions, you have angered your management, created a massive unbalance of salary (don’t kid yourself into thinking this won’t effect your relationships with your teammates), and handcuffed the team with your hefty price tag. To make matters worse, you have created sky high expectations for your play next year. I hope you enjoy pressure, because for the foreseeable future you will be under the Buffalo microscope .

Now, the good news is is that you are an awesome hockey player. Every indication is that you may very well be the franchise player of our dreams. I want nothing more than for you to succeed, Thomas, and when you do, I will be the first to congratulate you. Sure, you’ve been slutty- even whorish- this summer, but everyone makes mistakes, and the best way to cleanse yourself of your indiscretions is to play your ass off next season. I know you can do it, and you can count on my support. I believe in you, and no matter what, I will take comfort in the fact that even though you are a whore, you are our whore. (At least for the next seven years.)

With Love,

H. R. M. Katebits

P.S.- This picture goes a long way in restoring my faith in your character, Thomas. Keep up the good work!

19 Responses to “Open Letter To Thomas Vanek”

  1. 1 Heather B. August 16, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    Kate, I’m with you but I’m trying to look at it this way: Thomas may be a slag-faced whore but atleast he’s OUR slag-faced whore, unlike the slag-faced whores who’ve left us.

    Thomas has been The Man on just about every team he’s played on so I’m not worried about the pressure so much as I am the lockerroom chemistry. I know, I know… They’re all friends, they’ve played together for years, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ryan Miller, the other half of the franchise, signed for a whooooole lot less last off-season. Certainly, this off-season the market was different but that’s a mighty big difference between your two most important players. If you’re the guy making less, doesn’t that stick in your craw just a little bit? Even if you really don’t want it to?

    All this said, it doesn’t sound like Vanek is very high on the future hockey boyfriend list.

  2. 2 Katebits August 17, 2007 at 3:42 am

    Unless Thomas manages some sort of unexpected heroics (pulls some babies out of a burning orphanage), or decides to give all his money to a local charity (I hear Crunchy’s got one), he is a highly unlikely candidate for Kate’s Favorite Sabre……at least for this year.

  3. 3 courtney August 17, 2007 at 8:01 am

    slag faced whore!!!
    that has a nice ring to it!!!

  4. 4 Katebits August 17, 2007 at 10:48 am

    Courtney, I most definitely cannot take credit for slag-faced whore. That is a patented Interchangeable Parts expression, and yes, it is awesome. Frankly, everything funny you read here probably started at Interchangeable Parts, because Interchangeable Parts is the greatest.

    Please visit Interchangeable Parts.

  5. 5 ccomfort August 17, 2007 at 11:39 am

    Thats how I found you, thru Interchangeable Parts. I’m not quite caught up there, but hope to be before hockey season starts.
    Are you going to the preseason game on the 21st?

  6. 6 Icing August 17, 2007 at 12:50 pm

    Katebits, that’s an awesome post!!! I love it!

  7. 7 Schnookie August 17, 2007 at 2:06 pm

    I am not sure about this blog. I left a comment — the same comment twice, might I add — last night and it seems to have spurned it entirely. It was a comment rife with wit, insight and grace, and was an open letter from Vanek to Katebits in which he implored her to show patience and an open heart, and asked for her to teach him how to be sexy, how to be passionate, how to be a warrior. But someone’s blog didn’t want anyone to read it. Fine. I know where I’m not wanted.

    (By the way, Katebits, what was that blog you were recommending again? I seem to have forgotten the name… :P)

  8. 8 Katebits August 17, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    Damn it! I so want to read that letter from T.V.! I hope my letter makes it clear that I am ready to forgive, that I WANT to forgive. I just needed to get that off my chest, and as painful as the letter was to write, it contained things I felt Thomas needed to hear. Hopefully, we can all move forward from this dreadful summer now.

    Last night, my blog (and many other WordPress blogs) were broken for a few hours. Your inability to comment was nothing personal, Schnookie.

    For a good time, call: Interchangeable Parts.

  9. 9 Schnookie August 17, 2007 at 2:58 pm

    Yeah, but my WordPress blog was working at that point! Don’t try to blame someone else for this! :P

    (I can vouch for that IPB place. They’re geniuses there.)

  10. 10 Katebits August 17, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    Listen, just because your blog is a consistent WINNER, doesn’t mean my blog is any less fabulous. I’m a loser, but I’m spunky and fun, and you’re a winner, but your blog is KILLING blogging.

    It’s apples and oranges.

  11. 11 Katebits August 17, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    I’m just kidding, of course. Your blog is not killing blogging. The Red Wings are killing blogging!

  12. 12 Schnookie August 17, 2007 at 8:37 pm

    Oh no, we’re killing blogging. We talk a big game about our goals being constructive, but really we started with one intent in mind: Must… Kill… Blogging. (And yes, it is apples and oranges, but I think we can still hammer away at comparing the two blogs, right? I’ve got some numbers somewhere I could throw at you…)

  13. 13 Pookie August 17, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    Statbits! Statbits!! Statbits!!! So there.

  14. 14 ccomfort(formerly courtney) August 18, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    You “gals” are too much!!!

    I love BOTH blogs!!!!!

  15. 15 Anne December 4, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    So since discovering your blog in searching for a picture of a labradoodle puppy and coming across a picture of Jason Pominville, I’ve been cathing up on your entires.

    What is that picture from? It does comfort me about his character and his multi-millionaire-not-quite-earning-his-paycheck-yet status of the season thus far. Hey, maybe all those late night feedings that he has a girlfriend and 7 nannies to cover for him are dragging him down or maybe its his solid gold underpants, those have got to be pretty heavy.

  16. 16 Katebits December 4, 2007 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Anne! It delights me to NO END that someone found this site by searching for a labradoodle and stayed because of Jason Pominville!

    I have no idea what the story is with this picture. I found in while wandering around online a few months ago. I wish I knew because the whole situation is awfully adorable.

    If Goose likes him he can’t be all bad, right?

    …solid gold underpants….hee.

  1. 1 Tree, Petey, and T.V. « The Willful Caboose Trackback on August 22, 2007 at 12:05 am
  2. 2 Thomas Vanek’s Relaxing Day « The Willful Caboose Trackback on November 10, 2007 at 5:05 pm
  3. 3 Declaration of Confusing War « The Willful Caboose Trackback on October 21, 2010 at 5:38 pm

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