12 to Remember That Recapping Sucks

I now present to you my pathetic attempt at recapping a game.

I have been purposely avoiding the Sabres 12 to Remember because of their high ex-co-captains content, but this game is watchable because both captains are out. Briere has the flu, and Drury’s head is still scrambled thanks to Chris Neil.

Do me a favor and don’t read this as a recap, but more of a record of Kate’s stream of consciousness while watching a game. Reading over this, I have to admit, I describe basically no hockey. Instead, you are “treated” to the experience of watching a game in my head. Please remember that I am a new fan, and I have very little experience watching games, much less describing them.

The first ten minutes of the game were total disaster from a recapping perspective, so just trust me when I tell you, nothing really happens. If I were devoted to this exercise I would go back and re-recap the first 10 minutes, but frankly, I’d rather die. So, for our purposes, this game begins at 9:32.

Enjoy (snort).


9:32 Crunchy is way out of position and Hank helpfully swats the puck away on his behalf. Nice teamwork Crunchy and Tallinder! Crunchy, you owe Hank a beer, or some glögg, or whatever the hell Swedes drink.

After some uncalled penalty-looking messiness in the corner, RJ loudly exclaims, “Lindy Ruff is about to have kittens!” Heh. I am distracted now, imagining Lindy birthing a litter of kittens. All of the guys on the bench will have to grab a little kitten and hold it in his huge hockey glove to protect it from harm. Aww. After the game, the Sabres will put all of Lindy’s kittens in a cardboard box and stand around cooing at them in the hotel. Thank God Drury isn’t here for this. He’s allergic to cats and he is adamantly opposed to cuteness of any kind. What a pill.

5:50 Good work Pommers! 1-0! Pommerdoodle, you are SO my favorite teeny-bopper Sabre. Everyone comes together for some adorable helmet nuzzling. See? You guys don’t need those slag-faced ex-captains. They were holding you back all along.

Game recaps are harder than they look.

4:02 Ohh. Staffy almost does something really cool but instead opts to try on some fancy pants. Rather than scoring, he draws a penalty.

3:14 Everyone is swatting away at some poor Leaf who has fallen down on the puck in front of the net. Staffy gets punched in the head for his trouble. Sorry dude, but you kind of deserved that punch in the head. Roy amusingly tries to jump to Saffy’s defense. Roysie, you’re so tiny and funny.

Now that I have eliminated Paetsch and Hecht, I totally love them the most.

Ooooh, good work! Toni Tony Tone Lydman is defending Crunchy like his life depends on it.

2nd period

19:02 Heh! Hank loses the puck behind the net which requires a flying dive across the crease by Crunchy. Suddenly, Crunchy reminds me of the Purple Pie Man, absurdly skinny and leggy, windmilling across the ice. Okay Hank, now you owe Crunchy a glögg. Crunchy gives Hank the evil eye, and Hank skates sheepishly back to the bench.

15:37 Tallinder sort of gracefully tackles a Leaf at center ice. That was weird, Hank.

15:10 Yay! Drew Stafford with the wrap-around! 2-0! RJ screaming about the wrap-around totally makes me giggle. Hopefully he’ll say something about someone being “stuck in his own end” soon.

I guess when Briere is out, Lindy just puts Peters in for the whole game. Damn, this is a lot of Peters.

10:59 Vanek misses his shot on the breakaway pass.

10:10 Kaleta gets all punchy in front of the net. Mair seems highly amused by this, but he’s ready to fight. Oh Mairsy, I love how you manage to be both punchy AND good natured.

I can’t believe I’m only half way through this game. Recapping is too hard. You guys better be enjoying this, because it’s the last recap you’re ever gonna see.

8:01 Woo-hoooo! Good work Roysie! 3-0! MSG shows all of the Buffalo fans in the crowd. Of which there appear to be three.

7:35 Mair clobbers someone at the net. Nice.

We hear a lot more than I need to hear about Briere’s foot and mouth disease, or whatever hobbit illness he has. Whatevs, Briere.

4:12 Whoops. Leafs score. 3-1. It’s okay, Crunchy. You’re doing great.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate when the players push their mouth guards out of their mouths and chew on them? I hate that. It’s gross, boys.

3:31 The game feels like it is spinning out of control. Everyone is flopping all around and diving ineffectually. The madness finally ends when Crunchy holds onto the puck and the whistle blows. See, if Drury was here, the Sabres would not get all worked up like this. He’s the calming influence. Have you guys been eating spicy food or something? Are you listening to music again? Without Drury I get the feeling you kids have been laughing, and snacking, and napping sporadically. Next year is going to be a disaster without Drury. Who is going to hand out the Demerits for Unnecessary Merriment? Wipe that smile off your face Mairsy! This is a hockey game, not some sort of carnival ride!

1:32 Oooh! 4-1! My defensive boyfriend Toni Tony Tone Lydman scores a goal! ….oh wait….that was Hecht. Aw, whatever….everyone gather round for some helmet nuzzling! You better live it up before Drury gets back. He hates helmet nuzzling.

I’m ready for Vanek to score a 10 million dollar goal. Maybe next period.

3rd period

Is it just me, or does Kaleta really like to knock guys over?

Thomas Vanek totally squanders a pretty pass from Staffy. RJ notes that Thomas Vanek is having trouble scoring goals. No kidding. I’m the stupidest hockey fan in the world and even I can see that much. Oh, TV. Don’t you see what you have done? You’re never allowed to slump for a few games again.

14:39 WHoo-ooo! Yo-Yo scores! 5-1! In the celebration I notice that Jochen is wearing an “A” tonight. Hey, nice one, Yo-Yo. As he skates away from the hug circle, Yo-Yo blows a bubble with his gum. Are you sure its such a good idea to chew gum while you play, Jochen? I mean, Drury’s not here tonight. If you start choking there won’t be anyone to give you the Hemlich Maneuver. I’m assuming that was gum. Repeated slow motion play backs do not confirm that Yo-Yo is chewing gum, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a florescent green mouth guard. No, that distinctive green color can be one thing, and one thing only: Green Extra. Yo-Yo, I’ve made a terrible mistake with you. Please forgive me.

People are leaving the arena in droves in the face of our awesomeness. Drury and Briere, egos bruised, are on the phone with their agents right now.

Oh my god. Shots of Jochen sitting on the bench are so adorable I want to jump up and down while clapping my hands and squealing. He also does not appear to be chewing gum. Drury must have called in from home and ordered him to spit it out.

9:49 Thomas Vanek blows it again. SLAG-FACED WHORE! At least he looks properly ashamed of himself.

9:03 The puck ends up on top of the Sabres net and Crunchy makes some amusing jerky moves in an effort to pretend he knows where it is. He looks like a cat chasing a sunbeam. Speaking of cats….I wonder how Lindy’s kittens are doing?

7:53 Oooh. Stafford is so fancy. Fancy, but in this particular case, ineffectual.

6:49 Pommers hits about 59 rebounds in a row, but none of them go in. Pommerdoodle is so fun. If you keep throwing that stick, he’ll chase it all day.

6:12 Yeah! 6-1! Clarke MacArther gets a shot on a wide open net.

Okay. We have now reached what I know to be the final score. I’m going to watch the rest of the game, but not recap. This is WAY beyond my abilities as a fan. The flow of the game is totally destroyed by the pausing and the rewinding, and I simply don’t have the experience or the vocabulary to pull off a good recap. If you want a good recap, you should stick to the professionals.

(Okay, here’s one more little recappy bit: Kaleta’s Carruba Collision of the Game is hilarious because of the “I am such a stud” pose he strikes as soon as he knocks his man over. Hee. You are a stud Kaleta. Good work.)

Well, this was an interesting little experiment, but I think that if I tried to regularily recap games, I would have to claw my eyes out in anger and frustration. I had to discard the vast majority of the crap I wrote, so even though this took me three and a half hours, I have very little to show for my efforts. Frankly, I can’t even remember why I like blogging or hockey anymore.

Recapping has destroyed my will to live. The terrorists have won.

22 Responses to “12 to Remember That Recapping Sucks”

  1. 1 Pookie August 21, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    Bravissima, Katebit! This was AWESOME! Seriously. I laughed at loud, while working the reference desk here at work. I think it was the comment about Crunchy chasing sunbeams like a cat.

    I can totally understand not liking diarizing. I keep threatening to try it, but then the game starts and I’m like, “But I just want to watch the game in peace!” Since Schnookie likes to do them, I think I will continue to be the Official IPB Eyes and Ears. Although I definitely feel “less than” for doing it. It’s a matter of huge concern for me and has prompted not a small amount of soul-searching.

  2. 2 Katebits August 21, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    Pookie, I don’t think you should feel “less than” at ALL for not recapping. Recapping is THE WORST (in my opinion). I think you are in the best possible situation. You are sitting right next to someone who enjoys recapping and who will document all of the funny things you say during the game. That was what I found so irritating about recapping: I would think something funny and then totally kill it by trying to transcribe it during the action. Maybe in a few years when I am a more seasoned hockey watcher, I will try this again, but I assure you, IT WON’T BE ANYTIME SOON.

    I’m STILL so cranky from that experience.

  3. 3 Katebits August 21, 2007 at 3:11 pm

    But thanks for saying you liked it! :D

  4. 4 Schnookie August 21, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    Katebits, this was awesome. Truly very, very funny! (I love Drury calling Yo-yo to spit out his gum…)

    And yes, game diarizing really does remove you from the game. I find it’s a lot harder, though, with these games to remember, because they’re not really real. By the end of the playoffs I was totally enjoying diarizing all the games, but the 15 To Remember are killing me. I hope I don’t burn out, because without them, how will IPB become the TWoP of hockey?

  5. 5 Schnookie August 21, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    That was what I found so irritating about recapping: I would think something funny and then totally kill it by trying to transcribe it during the action.

    This is where Pookie and I have a huge advantage over lone recappers — we spend all our time actually saying our funny thoughts aloud, so there’s no difficulty transferring it from head to computer. I really, honestly would not be able to game diarize alone.

  6. 6 Katebits August 21, 2007 at 4:01 pm

    I hope I am not being too anti-diarizing, because I LOVE reading yours, I just did not anticipate the level of frustration recapping would create for me. The trouble is, for me, hockey is still a full-focus activity. I need to pay close attention to what is happening. Were I to ever try this again I would only do it with a game I had the time to watch twice. The first time through I could process it mentally, and the second time through I could write my mental process down. Honestly, watching a game twice wouldn’t take any longer than the method I just used (pausing and rewinding) and the flow of the game wouldn’t feel so effed up.

    Also, recapping just made me feel stupid about hockey. It was way too early to try this. Diarizing is a pretty “advanced” fan activity. I knew that this would be hard, but I did not expect it to ruin my enjoyment of the game. I can definitely see your point about this being more fun during an actual live game, because then, at the very least you will stay connected to the emotional aspect of the game. And yes, I can also see how this would be a lot easier as part of a two person team, although when I think back to those SCF games you guys were posting more or mess in real time, I AM SO AMAZED.

    All this being said, I am ENORMOUSLY more impressed with you guys and Gambler now. Really, you rock.

  7. 7 Schnookie August 21, 2007 at 4:35 pm

    Live games make you a lot less concerned with “getting it right”. And you’ve got your own emotional involvement to be able to write about. But these games where you already know what happens, and there’s no tension, and there’s no context… all you’ve got to write about is the actual contents of the game. That is way, way, way harder. I’ve gone back and re-read some of our diaries from the playoffs and I’m amazed at how much shorter and less detailed they are than the Games To Remember; I’ve realized that these replayed games sort of demand an attention to detail that live ones don’t. (I can also see how being new to the game would make this a lot harder; I really rely on having this deep-rooted play-describing vocabulary, so I can’t imagine having to make that all up from scratch as you go along…)

    I’m totally impressed that Gambler is doing so well with these all on her own. I cannot stress enough that as far as I’m concerned, diarizing is a two-man game.

  8. 8 Gambler August 21, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    Now that I have eliminated Paetsch and Hecht, I totally love them the most.

    If you want me I’ll be the one standing in the corner looking smug and nodding sagely. I knew you’d come around!

    I wouldn’t declare this a disaster, Kate, I loved it! But I can totally understand how it could burn you out. Game diarizing is way time-consuming, but somehow I enjoy writing them. Glad to hear you guys enjoy reading them!

  9. 9 Meg August 21, 2007 at 11:52 pm

    Kate, I liked it too, but I couldn’t write a game diary if my life depended on it, so I can imagine how draining it would be.

  10. 10 Meg August 21, 2007 at 11:53 pm

    Well, I probably could write one if my life depended on it. I just couldn’t write a good one.

  11. 11 Katebits August 22, 2007 at 12:12 am

    Hey, thanks Gambler and Meg! I had a surprisingly bad reaction to recapping, but I think I am finally starting to recover from the experience. :D There were many, many factors that went into this being a crappy intro to recapping, not the least of which was that I started the game first thing in the morning. I was trying to recap while I was drinking my morning coffee. That’s just WRONG. Hockey is not a morning activity. No siree.

    Gambler, your recaps are stunning. I have a new appreciation for what you do!

  12. 12 Heather B. August 22, 2007 at 12:35 am

    Kate, this is not bad at all. I personally don’t really read game diaries for the hockey content – I mean, I’d just watch the game again if I wanted that. I read them for all the little asides and you covered those well!

    I keep thinking I want to try this but I don’t know… I think I’d hate myself halfway through. Plus as dumb as it is, it takes me forever to figure out hockey time. Why don’t they just run the game clock from 00:00 to 20:00? That would make it much easier for me to figure out that a goal scored with 3:23 left in the period was scored at… 16:77? (See?!?!?!)

  13. 13 Katebits August 22, 2007 at 1:11 am

    But Heather, why does 16:37 mean anything more than 3:23?

  14. 14 Patty August 22, 2007 at 1:18 am

    I really enjoyed it, too, Katebits! I agree with Heather that it’s for the way you describe the game that we read them. Not for finding out what happened in the game.

    I’ve thought about trying it out myself, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it took me a couple of tries before I enjoyed it, too.

  15. 15 Heather B. August 22, 2007 at 1:26 am

    Kate, don’t mind me. I’ve just royally confused myself. But I will attempt to explain what I was thinking. In hockey boxscores, the time goes from zero to twenty minutes. So for example, a game-winning goal scored with :35 seconds left on the clock would be listed as having happened at 19:25. (Looking like this: http://scores.espn.go.com/nhl/boxscore?gameId=270510002) It means exactly the same thing but for some reason I thought both you and Pookie and Schnookie had used fancy, official method and looking back, I see that neither of you did. So I can stop using that as an excuse. (I’ll just have to stick with “I’d hate myself” I guess!)

    Yeah, ignore me, okay? I’m tired, I should be in bed, I’m watching High School Musical 2 for crying out loud.

  16. 16 Katebits August 22, 2007 at 1:29 am

    That is so stupid that the clock goes the other way in box scores. Gee, hockey is so hard!

  17. 17 Heather B. August 22, 2007 at 1:33 am

    That is so stupid that the clock goes the other way in box scores. Gee, hockey is so hard!

    Yeah, I’ve never understood that. It seems like being difficult just for the sake of being difficult. I really thought they used that method on IPB and it would seriously take me longer to figure out the proper times than it would to write the actual recap. And how bad is it that I’m sitting here thinking about diarizing the game on my Tivo? Like right now? At 1:33 a.m.? I’m thinking pretty bad.

  18. 18 Gambler August 22, 2007 at 1:53 am

    It means exactly the same thing but for some reason I thought both you and Pookie and Schnookie had used fancy, official method and looking back, I see that neither of you did. So I can stop using that as an excuse.

    To be fair, a lot of times the screen lists (or RJ announces) a goal using the box score time, and I have to do some tough mental math in order to translate it into the right time for my diary. So, you can still use that excuse, if you like.

    And yes, the two-way clock thing is incredibly stupid.

  19. 19 Heather B. August 22, 2007 at 4:41 am

    All right, I tried this whole game diary thing and I only got through one period. I kind of enjoyed it but good grief, it’s a lot of work.

  20. 20 Schnookie August 22, 2007 at 10:18 am

    I just use the scoreboard clock. If I had to translate into box score time, I’d kill someone, most likely myself, or whoever invented the backwards clock thing.

    Oh, and if any of you want to feel better about starting out as game diarizers, just go back and read some of our first ones on IPB. We were loosey-goosey and didn’t use clocks, so they make not a whit of sense and generally just really, really suck. Plus we didn’t do much formatting, so they’re, like, stream-of-consciousness. It takes hours and hours of practice, this diarizing! It’s a serious commitment, one not to be entered on lightly!

  21. 21 Mags August 22, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    Nice Kate, very nice :)

  22. 22 Icing August 26, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    I somehow missed this entry until now and boy am I sorry!
    You’re being too hard on yourself Katebits – I thought that was really hilarious. Super duper hilarious. Some highlights: the whole para about Lindy Ruff having kittens – ohmigod, too funny. The Drury ruining any fun bits were great too. And so on. Well done!!!

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