I Knew It!

Thanks to Liz, a super internet sleuth and eagle-eyed TWC reader, my attention was drawn to a delightful ESPN.com interview with Ryan Miller. Crunchy is, without question, our most interesting Sabre, and I thought this interview was rather revealing. He talks about what a couple of slag-faced whores Drury and Briere are (Okay, I might be paraphrasing a bit here. He mostly said “I respect them, but we’re moving on, blah blah blah”, but he also said that he was pretty surprised when they left based on the way they were talking. Heh.), he talks about his first NHL game, and he talks about how he “makes” his teammates participate in his annual fashion show.

But one thing really grabbed my attention:

Q: I know how superstitious hockey players are. Did you touch the Cup at all when Drew had his day with it?

A: [Laughs] He hit me in the hip with it by accident. I am pretty superstitious. I touched it when I was a kid. I was 15 years old when Dan Cole, a former Michigan State player, won it with the Devils. But when Drew had the Cup for a day, I stayed away from it. I’ll take my chances at winning that thing on my own, so I’ll wait.

I knew it!

I knew he touched the Cup! Granted, if what he says is true, then Crunchy certainly can’t be blamed for the transgression, by me or (more importantly) by the Hockey Gods, but STILL such careless behavior around the Cup is redonkulous.

I love how breezily he relays this story. Yeah right, Crunchy. You expect us to believe you were all, “Ha ha! Drew, you silly pants! You just hit me in the hip with the Cup! Be more careful, you Stanley Cup Winner, you!”

********

Scene: The four Miller siblings are in front of the fireplace, posing for pictures for the family Christmas card with the Stanley Cup. Drew is exuberant, standing in the center of the picture holding the Cup. Crunchy is sullen and is only reluctantly participating in the activity.

Mrs. Miller: Get closer boys! Ryan, you’re barely in the picture! Drew, hold the Cup up higher.

Drew: (grinning) Mom, this Cup is heavier than it looks you know. I can’t hold it up all day long. (smiling coying) Ryan, why don’t you hold it for a few minute.

Ryan: *death glare*

Mr. Miller: (eying Ryan warily) Drew, don’t be a jerk! We just want to get a good picture for the Christmas Card.

(Drew makes a big spectacle out of hoisting the Cup up higher.)

Drew: (mumbling)…it’s just really heavy. That’s all I’m saying.

(Mr. Miller takes a few more pictures)

Mr. Miller: Okay, I think we’ve got enough. We’re done.

Drew: Finally!

(Drew let’s the Cup drop from it’s “posed” position at the exact moment Ryan begins to storm out of the room. As the Cup is in motion it grazes Ryan’s hip.)

(The family freezes in horror….and terror.)

Mrs. Miller: (nervous high pitched voice) Sweetie, did you just hit your brother with the Cup?

Drew: (still frozen in place along with the entire family) I d-d’ont…know. I didn’t mean- It was an accide-

Mr. Miller: (slowly) Ryan, are you okay?

(Ryan is breathing heavily out of his nose. He is beginning to shake.)

(The room is deadly silent except for the sound of Ryan’s ragged breathing.)

Mr. Miller: Kids, you need to leave now. Slowly. Slowly leave the room.

Drew: I’m sorry! I didn’t mea-

(Smoke is starting to seep out of Ryan’s ears. His face is getting red. His eyes are spinning in cartoonish spirals.)

Mr. Miller: Be quiet, Drew. Just leave. Quickly. He’s going to blow.

(The family slowly backs out of the room. Ryan is vibrating with rage, a tortured hum emanating from his throat.)

Mr. Miller: Drew! Bring me the tranq gun!

(Drew returns to the room with a tranquilizer gun. Mr. Miller quickly grabs the gun and shoots Ryan in the thigh.)

Ryan: (with his eyes rolling back in his head as he passes out) Drew, I’m gooooing to kill yoooou.

(Ryan collapses onto the ground.)

(The world is saved.)

(For now.)

END SCENE

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9 Responses to “I <i>Knew</i> It!”


  1. 1 Heather B. November 18, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    That’s absolutely how I’d picture the scene as well – Ryan going full-on nutso. God love ‘im!

  2. 2 Meg November 18, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Hah, Kate that’s hilarious.

  3. 3 Heather B. November 18, 2007 at 11:13 pm

    I’d also like to know what he really thinks about Vanek signing an offer sheet in light of his “I’m a big believer that you have to work your way up” comment. I know they were discussing goalies and not Vanek, but it does make me wonder.

    Also, I love that when asked what goalie he’d start a team with, he picked himself. I love it.

  4. 4 Gambler November 19, 2007 at 1:32 am

    Kate! My face is hurting from how hard I’m laughing at that scene! Brilliant! The Miller family totally has a stockpile of tranq guns in their basement. In fact, they probably have hip holsters, too, just in case.

    I’ll have to read that interview later on. Sounds interesting.

  5. 5 Meg November 19, 2007 at 1:35 am

    Also, I love that when asked what goalie he’d start a team with, he picked himself. I love it.

    I liked that too. And I think he’s right–you do have to believe in your own abilities. And really, he’s just being the best professional goaltender he can be.

  6. 6 Pookie November 19, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    Poor Crunchy! I bet they have to keep drugging his drinks, too, to keep him from forgetting that he touched it. Just when he starts to remember, they slip him another Forget-Me-Not.

  7. 7 kristin November 19, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    I guess this means I should most definitely drop him from my fantasy team. And all the other Sabres on my team too…

  8. 8 jonhoepfinger November 19, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    One day I will write fake scenes as good as you Kate.

  9. 9 Katebits November 19, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    Actually kristin, we’re hoping that the Hockey Gods will have mercy on the Sabres because it was an accident. And it was only his hip. It’s not like he picked it up and kissed it or anything. Hopefully the horrific start to the season will satisfy the Gods, and we can move on (and up) from here.

    Oh, jon. You’re such a flatterer! Someday I hope to be able to channel The LG as well as you. :D


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