The Solution

Scene: Lindy Ruff’s hotel room. Lindy and Darcy Regier are sitting with Ryan Miller. Lindy and Darcy are sitting on one side of the desk, and Ryan Miller is sitting on the other.

Crunchy: What are we doing here, guys? I’m exhausted. Tonight was supposed to be my night off and instead I get dragged into the worst game I’ve ever been a part of. I just want to go to sleep and try to forget about the L.A. Kings.

Regier: I know that tonight was not the game we were hoping for.

Crunchy: (death glare)

Regier: Listen, Ryan, I’m going to cut right to the chase. We want to talk about your contract.  I realize that the team, as it currently stands….is not necessarily appealing for you. We want to find out what it would take, to make you happy.

Crunchy: (raising his eyebrow [the whompy one]) Listen, I’m not going to negotiate my contract without my agent, plus I’m really pissed off. I can’t deal with this right now.  This isn’t even legal.  We can’t discuss my contract until next season….and you better fucking believe you are going to pay top dollar if you want to keep me.  Top. Dollar.

Lindy: (gently) No, you don’t understand son.

Regier: (leaning in towards Crunchy) Ryan, we want to know which of the Sabres you feel comfortable having in front of you. We want you to sign this piece of paper, legally binding you to the team, and in exchange, you can tell us which of your teammates you want to keep, and which you want to get rid of.

Crunchy: (perking up with surprise) Wait. I can tell you who to fire?

Regier: All you have to do is sign this paper. (slides a piece of paper across the table) Simple as that. We’ll fire whoever you want.

(Crunchy immediately picks up the pen and signs the paper)

Crunchy: Now, here’s how I want the team to look by next seas-

Regier: (interrupting) No, wait. We can’t do it like this. This room might be bugged. (whispering) Afinogenov has been bugging our offices for years. What we need you to do is write the names of the guys you want us to fire on this piece of paper. Just write the names of the guys you want gone. Do you understand?

(Crunchy nods. Regier slides a second piece of paper across the table. Crunchy picks up the pen and begins writing. The room falls silent except for the sound of the pen as Crunchy furiously scribbles. The clock ticks symbolically as Crunchy writes and writes. After several minutes, Lindy and Darcy exchange a concerned glance. Crunchy’s hand begins to cramp from all of the writing. Soon, his pen runs out of ink, so he grabs a fresh one off the desk. He turns the paper over and begins to write on the back. When both sides of the paper are full, he writes in the margins. His second pen runs out of ink. Fifteen minutes pass, and finally, Crunchy slides the paper back across the table.)

Lindy: (glancing warily at the completely filled sheet of paper) I don’t think you understand, son. We want you to write the names of the players you want to fire.

Crunchy: Yeah. (with wry smile) That’s what I did.

(Lindy and Darcy exchange a meaningful glance)

Regier: But, this is everybody.

Crunchy: No, not everybody. Just most. It probably would have been easier to ask me to write the names of the guys you want me to keep. (picks up second piece of paper and writes for exactly 1.5 seconds) Here, I want you to keep these guys.

Regier: (picks up the list of players to “keep”) There are only two names on this list, and one of them is “Sabretooth”. You have put us in a tricky spot here. I mean we knew we were going to have to fire Max, Campbell, and probably Vanek, We were prepared even for Roy-Z, but now we are legally obligated to fire the entire team……by Saturday. I’m not sure we can get new guys in here in time. (looking at “to be fired” list again) What?! Ryan, we can’t fire Drury from the Rangers, and I hardly think Mike Robitaille can be blamed for any of this.

Crunchy: Whatever. (grinning) Listen, I’m getting a second wind here. Do either of you guys want to grab a drink?

(Crunchy stands up and stretches his arms above his head with a yawn. A peaceful smile spreads across his face.)

Lindy: Um, no. We were hoping you would be willing to stay here tonight and discuss the plans. I mean, this wasn’t exactly what we thoug-

Crunchy: No. I’m going out. I’m good. Thanks though. You were right, Darcy. This was a good idea.

Regier: You realize you just signed on with the Sabres for the next seven years for the league minimum, don’t you?

Crunchy: Really? Oh, well, that’s cool. Just make sure to change the locks on HSBC arena before we get home.

(Crunchy leaves the room whistling.)


15 Responses to “The Solution”

  1. 1 Heather B. December 7, 2007 at 11:43 am

    So was the non-Sabretooth keeper Hank or Toni? :-)

    I had a conversation almost exactly like this at IPB last night but it was me trying to fire everyone instead of Crunchy. I came up with five or six I’d keep. Poor Crunchy.

  2. 2 Katebits December 7, 2007 at 11:47 am

    So was the non-Sabretooth keeper Hank or Toni? :-)

    That, I cannot reveal! (Truthfully, I don’t know, because Darcy is onto my room bugging scheme.)

    Heather, I was looking at the plus/minus ratings from last night. Paetsch was a +2! Isn’t that weird?

  3. 3 Heather B. December 7, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    Kate, that is weird. Did he have a lot of ice-time? Maybe he wasn’t playing much? (I didn’t watch most of the game so I’m not sure.) Plus/minus can be a very deceiving stat in that way (among others). Have I give you my plus/minus lecture yet? :-)

  4. 4 Amy December 7, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    I really think Crunchy would keep Goose. He needs to have someone to yell at regarding ice cream consumption.

    Did Crunchy fire RJ too? We want answers!

  5. 5 Anne December 7, 2007 at 4:40 pm

    He clearly had to keep Stafford. He’s obligated to play with Ronan Tynan and think of how awkward things would be backstage. And Stafford did score 1 of the only 2 goals scored last night.

  6. 6 Gambler December 7, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    Crunchy totally fired Yo-Yo, didn’t he?! *sobs*

    What?! Ryan, we can’t fire Drury from the Rangers

    Damn! But it was such a good plan!

  7. 7 Katebits December 7, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    Listen, Crunchy was in a really bad mood last night. Maybe he reconsidered today. And anyway, he did spare one Sabre. Maybe it was Yo-Yo!

  8. 8 Sam December 7, 2007 at 7:04 pm

    Um, wow. Has it really gotten that bad in B-lo?

  9. 9 Becky December 7, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    “Um, wow. Has it really gotten that bad in B-lo?”

    You noticed the lack of suggestions for the one Sabre spared…

  10. 10 far2paranoid December 7, 2007 at 11:01 pm

    I think you’re all wrong. He cleared the roster, except for The General. He shall return!!

  11. 11 Matt December 7, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    I think you’re all wrong. He cleared the roster, except for The General. He shall return!! Also, Liz? I take back my previous rant. You can join me, as long as we’re still on for New Years. Am I making ribs for that?

  12. 12 Pookie December 7, 2007 at 11:59 pm

    I think the 2nd name on the list was “Concourse Sabretooth”.

  13. 13 Schnookie December 8, 2007 at 12:01 am

    I think the 2nd name on the list was “Concourse Sabretooth”.

    Crunchy doesn’t like anyone in the organization looking more homeless than he does.

  14. 14 Katebits December 8, 2007 at 12:06 am


  15. 15 Heather B. December 8, 2007 at 3:28 am

    Two things:

    First of all, how can you tell the whompy eyebrow has been raised? Isn’t it always? That’s the beauty of the thing!

    Second of all, the name “Roy-Z” coming out of Darcy Regier’s mouth absolutely kills me. I’d pay good money to hear him refer to Derek like that in a press conference or interview.

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