If I were the Sabres’ GM, I would force the players to go to one of those trust building seminars where they would have to do teamwork exercises, and fall backwards into each other’s arms. After a full day of irritating physical tasks designed to promote “togetherness”, I’d make all the Sabres sit in a big circle and talk about their feelings, using only “I” statements.
Crunchy: Thomas, if you keep playing like shit, I’m going to kill you in your sleep.
Mediator Katebits: Ryan, I think what you mean to say is, “Thomas, I feel confused and hurt when I don’t get the support I need from you on the ice.”
Crunchy: That is not what I meant to say.
Mediator Katebits: Hmm, Ryan, it sounds like you have a lot of anger about things you can’t control. Thomas, how does it make you feel to hear Ryan saying these things?
Vanek: (yawning) I know it’s up to me to start being more productive. The team needs me to step up my game. (Gets out his diamond encrusted PSP and starts playing video games.)
Crunchy: HE’S NOT EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT I’M SAYING!
Mediator Katebits: Thomas, your obvious disinterest in this conversation is upsetting Ryan.
Soupy: (balancing on the back two legs of his chair) I have an “I” statement! I feel like if I had a contract in place, I might be playing better. (fall down backwards onto the floor.)
Goose: (angrily) Hooo-oonk! Honk! HONK!
Mediator Katebits: (sigh) “I” statements, Paul! “I” statements!
Crunchy: I feel like I hate Brian Campbell.
Mediator Katebits: Yeah, that’s totally fair.
I would be an incredibly ineffectual GM.