Trying Times

If I were the Sabres’ GM, I would force the players to go to one of those trust building seminars where they would have to do teamwork exercises, and fall backwards into each other’s arms. After a full day of irritating physical tasks designed to promote “togetherness”, I’d make all the Sabres sit in a big circle and talk about their feelings, using only “I” statements.

Crunchy: Thomas, if you keep playing like shit, I’m going to kill you in your sleep.
Mediator Katebits: Ryan, I think what you mean to say is, “Thomas, I feel confused and hurt when I don’t get the support I need from you on the ice.”
Crunchy: That is not what I meant to say.
Mediator Katebits: Hmm, Ryan, it sounds like you have a lot of anger about things you can’t control. Thomas, how does it make you feel to hear Ryan saying these things?
Vanek: (yawning) I know it’s up to me to start being more productive. The team needs me to step up my game. (Gets out his diamond encrusted PSP and starts playing video games.)
Mediator Katebits: Thomas, your obvious disinterest in this conversation is upsetting Ryan.
Soupy: (balancing on the back two legs of his chair) I have an “I” statement! I feel like if I had a contract in place, I might be playing better. (fall down backwards onto the floor.)
Goose: (angrily) Hooo-oonk! Honk! HONK!
Mediator Katebits: (sigh) “I” statements, Paul! “I” statements!
Crunchy: I feel like I hate Brian Campbell.
Mediator Katebits: Yeah, that’s totally fair.

I would be an incredibly ineffectual GM.


11 Responses to “Trying Times”

  1. 1 carisa January 7, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    LMAO, you sure do have a way with words Kate! I especially love it anytime you honk at Goose or as Goose =) Not surprisingly, I can see something almost exactly like this going down, specifically the part where Soupy falls backwards out of his chair. Too much, thanks for the laugh!

  2. 2 LizzieB January 7, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can totally see Whompy looming over TV’s bed in the hotel room doing the cost-benefit analysis for murder by blocker pad.

  3. 3 Schnookie January 7, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    This was really not the best carefrontation ever, was it? Hm. The Sabres really are hopeless.

    I can totally see Whompy looming over TV’s bed in the hotel room doing the cost-benefit analysis for murder by blocker pad.


    Too funny, LizzieB!

  4. 4 Pookie January 7, 2008 at 1:27 pm


    Crunchy’s not big into “caring” in this situation, is he?

  5. 5 Amy January 7, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Gets out his diamond encrusted PSP and starts playing video games.

    Are we sure its real diamond encrusted and not those diamond stickers that you can get at AC Moore for $1.99 a package? Because I could totally see Thomas as the AC Moore type.

    I love the Goose-speak, BTW.

  6. 6 elise January 7, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    i vote kate for coach!!!

  7. 7 Anne January 7, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Ha, I also made a team building exercise reference to trust falls in my blog today. I too picture everything Thomas Vanek owns to be totally blinged out. I’m sure he wanted to find a way to put spinning rims on his skates but the league shot him down.

    I think this hypothetical seminar probably would be more effective than the meetings they must be having lately, I think you should offer your services to the team.

  8. 8 Tessa January 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    You made me smile about the Sabres – which is more than they’ve managed in the past week or two! The image of Campbell falling back out of his chair like all the boys thought was cool in fifth grade is perfect.

    Funny you mention the team building, because I saw a random local news report early in the season (I go to school near Philly) of the Flyers doing all the trustfall challenge stuff and – I kid you not – lego activities. There was also a clip of Danny Briere hanging upside down from a rope trying to reach an egg and chuck it to his teammates without touching the ground. Most ridiculous news clip ever. But perhaps you’re onto something and the Sabres should give it a try – for our entertainment if nothing else!

  9. 9 andrew January 7, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    Ha! Oh man, you know Miller just wants to shave Soupy’s head and steal Vanek’s checkbook.

  10. 10 Amanda January 7, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    At the start of the season I was reading about the Flyers and Pens and Rangers and God knows who else doing all these trust-building things at West Point and I thought, “Pshaw, my Sabres don’t have to do that! It’s a freegin’ love-fest in that locker room!” Guess I was wrong.

    Kate, I laughed my butt off reading this. The only thing I would worry about is that there are already so many injuries and falling into each others’ arms would surely lead to more, since it’s obvious that none of them have any hand-eye coordination *glaring at Pommer, who MISSED THE NET COMPLETELY ON THREE SHOTS yesterday*. Guys would be falling right through “Ow! My back is killing me! Why didn’t you guys catch me?” Guys – “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

    As an aside, wouldn’t we all get fired if we did the equivalent of missing three shots in our own jobs? Yeah, we’d be on funemployment faster than we could say “The Sabres suck and I am sad”.

  11. 11 Gus April 29, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Thank you! I laughed out loud in the library just now while reading this! I should be studying for finals… but I can totally picture this group discussion! Thanks for the great laugh and the excuse to keep procrastinating by reading your blog! Go Sabres! Got a girl in Texas who loves yall!

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