Intervention: Brian Campbell

Scene: Katebits and HeatherB. are sitting in folding chairs, facing Brian Campbell who is sitting directly opposite them.

Katebits: Brian, I think you know why we’ve called you here today.

Brian Campbell: (nervously) No, I don’t. Why are you calling me “Brian”? You always call me Soupy. What’s going on?

HeatherB: (gently) Brian, you know exactly what’s going on.

Brian: (laughing derisively) No, Heather, I do NOT know what’s going on.

(Katebits and HeatherB. exchange a meaningful glance.)

Katebits: Brian, this is an intervention. We’ve called you here today because we believe that you are in real trouble, and need help.

Brian: (loudly) What are you talking about?! Why are you calling me Brian?

Katebits: Brian, calm down. We have a few things to say to you. Please. Sit.

(Brian sits reluctantly. Katebits unfolds a piece of paper.)

Katebits: Brian, Heather and I have both prepared some things we think you need to hear. I would like to read my statement to you now. (Katebits takes a deep breath and begins reading from the piece of paper.) Brian, I have recently realized that my dislike of your style of play has been making it less enjoyable to watch the Sabres games. I hate when you screw up defensively, and I resent when you produce offensively. The situation cannot continue. You are, after all, still a Sabre, and I am, now and forever, a Sabres fan. I believe that with a few small changes, you and I can again enjoy a healthy fan/Sabre relationship.

Brian: What?! I don’t have to listen to this! WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME BRIAN?

Katebits: Brian, please. Just let me get through this.

Brian: Fine.

Katebits: Thank you for listening, Brian. (continues reading from the piece of paper). First of all, you need to either sign a contract for a reasonable amount of money, or you need to start playing like a giant contract is on the line. You can’t both hold out, and suck defensively. It’s unbecoming. Secondly, you must never utter the words, “My value goes up every month,” again. In exchange for these small changes in your attitude, I will try to be reasonable and stop blaming you for things that occur when you are not even on the ice.

Brian: (lip quivering) I…I…don’t know what to say. I had no idea you felt this way.

Katebits: Heather? I believe you have something you would also like to tell Brian?

HeatherB: (unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading) Brian, I have given this some real thought. There is only one thing you can do to win me back. You must grow a beard and keep it year round. I can’t continue to watch you throw your life away like this. Please. Listen to reason.

(Brian Campbell is sobbing)

Brian: I’m so sorry! I had no idea! I’ll do everything you ask! I’ll stop handing the puck over in my own defensive zone. I’ll grow the beard, I promise!

(Katebits puts her arms around Brian.)

Katebits: There, there, Soupy. It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be okay from now on. Heather and I are here for you if you ever need to talk. Just stop bitching about your contract and playing like shit, okay? And remember to fluff your hair up periodically. When your hair is dry, it’s actually very attractive.

HeatherB: Now, get out there are win us some hockey games, okay Soupy? While you’re at it, go sign that totally reasonable contract Darcy has been asking you to sign.

Brian: You got it guys! (Soupy begins to leave the room)

HeatherB: Oh, Soupy. Could you tell Timmy we need to speak to him please….

End Scene


16 Responses to “Intervention: Brian Campbell”

  1. 1 Pookie February 11, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    Most of the time, I find the characters in these things sympathetic but…

  2. 2 Pookie February 11, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    (And by that I meant Soupy, not Katebits and Heather B. @@@)

  3. 3 Katebits February 11, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    Oh, no apology necessary. Heather and I are ruthless beeyotches!

  4. 4 Schnookie February 11, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    You know, I feel like prospective trade-partner GMs are looking at this and thinking, “I suspect there are other rentals on the market who don’t require interventions.” You’re not helping Darcy unload Soupy here! :P

  5. 5 Heather B. February 11, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    Kate, it’s a good thing you wrote this. My version might have ended with heavy objects being thrown. Your gentle sensitivity is much more likely to get through to Brian Soupy, I think.

  6. 6 CrotchetyOriginalSam February 11, 2008 at 10:39 pm

    Well, one thing is clear. You watch way too much A&E…

  7. 7 Heather B. February 11, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    Kate, I also like how you make all the hockey related complaints while I basically just want him to grow a beard :PPP

  8. 8 Katebits February 11, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Kate, I also like how you make all the hockey related complaints while I basically just want him to grow a beard :PPP

    Heh. I thought you might like that, Heather. I mean, everyone knows you just watch hockey for the playoff beards.

  9. 9 Patty (in Dallas) February 11, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    Are you telling me that Soupy said his value goes up every month, himself?

    I thought that was said about him. Not by him.

  10. 11 Meg February 12, 2008 at 12:51 am

    You watch way too much A&E…

    Oh, CrotchetyOriginalSam, there’s no such thing as too much A&E. What an idea!

    Are you telling me that Soupy said his value goes up every month, himself?

    Soupy and I would get on much better if his mouth was sewn shut, I think.

  11. 12 Meg February 12, 2008 at 12:53 am

    And Kate, I love your player interventions/conversations. You’re so calm and mature about them. Meanwhile I’m sitting here all, “If Darcy doesn’t trade Campbell I will wear nothing but black for the duration of his contract! He can’t do that to me!”

  12. 13 Anne February 12, 2008 at 9:57 am

    I love the obsession with calling him Brian instead of Soupy. It’s like the other day in Pommerdoodle’s blog when he called Goose “Paul” I was like…who? Oh yeah, that is his name isn’t it? What’s next? People telling me that hockey players are real people that have lives outside of entertaining their fans on the ice? Ha!

  13. 14 jonhoepfinger February 12, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    How about you two have an intervention with Andrew Peters and talk him into retiring or offering him a buyout, you know like GM workers.

  14. 15 Amy February 12, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    Oh, if only this intervention could actually happen.

    Could you tell Timmy we need to speak to him please….

    Please tell me a Timmy intervention would require him to keep a hat on his head at all times while walking around in a bubble wrap cocoon?

  15. 16 elise February 12, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    kate, if i ever need an intervention, will you please lead it? it may be soon…

    i think you are brilliant.

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