In the Stretch

I entered the season with the goal of watching as much hockey as possible. Mission accomplished! I kind of thought I would end up adopting a few secondary teams, but truthfully, no one ever really stuck; instead, I wound up flitting around the Eastern Conference with my non-Sabre allegiances shifting almost every night. So, what crushes, grudges, and blinding hatreds has a nearly full season of NHL hockey wrought?

In order of their current position in the standings, here are my highly rational and totally unemotional thoughts about each team in the Eastern Conference. I assume it goes without saying that I am likely to change my mind about all of this as early as tomorrow.

New Jersey Devils: If Marty Brodeur were to walk into my apartment and ask me to marry him right now, I really might say yes; just to see what would happen. I suspect our marriage would be short and stormy, but ultimately hilarious. It might be worth the headache. The Devils are my second favorites.

Montreal Canadiens: I totally don’t hate these guys. Am I supposed to? Frankly, I like the Canadiens.

Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurrilames? Oh, hell no.

Pittsburgh Penguins: I feel a kinship with Penguins fans because, like Sabres fans, they are constantly being called “classless” in certain corners of the blogosphere. I also really like Malkin. Hmm. I’m on the fence with the Penguins.

Ottawa Senators: Over the course of the season the Sens have gone from terrifying Storm Troopers, to hilarious Storm Troopers. I can’t imagine ever liking the Sens, but their recent haplessness has gone a long way in alleviating my bitterness towards them. And before you get all huffy, yes, I fully admit the Senators could probably wipe the floor clean with the Sabres in a playoff round, even in their current feeble state. I guess that just isn’t enough to inspire my hatred anymore. I bet the feeling is mutual.

New York Rangers: I would rather gouge my own eyes out with a wooden spoon than cheer for the Rangers.

Boston Bruins: Despite the fact that they’ve pretty much owned us all season, I don’t really harbor any ill will towards the Bruins. (Private to the Bruins: You still have a few games against the Sabres in which to make me fall in love with you! I like the suckiest teams the most! It’s not too late for us!)

Philadelphia Flyers: Ew.

Buffalo Sabres: I will cheer for them above all other teams forever and ever, Amen.

Washington Capitals: I entered the season with the expectation of liking the Capitals. What can I say? Things change. No on the Capitals. A thousand times no.

Florida Panthers: Her?

New York Islanders: I approve of their weirdo-misfit vibe and I think Pretty Ricky is a hoot.

Toronto Maple Leafs: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHHA. Um, no.

Atlanta Thrashers: The last time we played the Thrashers, I spent the entire game praying that all the Sabres would get off the ice in one piece. I didn’t appreciate that, Thrashers. Not one bit.

Tampa Bay Lightning: You might not be aware of this, but I’m the one who discovered Vincent Lecavalier. It’s true. I was flipping channels on Center Ice this fall, and he just called out to me. “Kaaatebits. Look at me, look at me. Kaaaatebits…” So, I decided to keep an eye on him, and you know what? The kid can play, plus, he’s crazy hot and twelve feet tall. I suppose it’s possible that if the Lightning ever got good again I would lose my affection for them, but for now, I dig ’em.

*************

Well, there you have it. I would do this for the Western Conference, but that would require making stuff up for at least half of the teams. The Willful Caboose has a strong East coast bias.

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6 Responses to “In the Stretch”


  1. 1 DS March 10, 2008 at 12:45 am

    Katebits, Katebits, Katebits…don’t you know the proper term is “Carolina Swirling Toilet Bowls”?…okay, fine, that’s not as much fun to say. Nevertheless.

    Okay, so I’ll admit Brodeur’s a compelling guy. (Don’t tell the -Ookies.)
    But y’know, if you’re gonna marry Marty, you should know about the good stuff.

    And then there’s the shameful stuff that’s on the internet for everyone to find.

    So what exactly’s got you so into Geno? (Fun fact: apparently “geno” is also slang for “goal”. But I’m 98% sure this did not actually come into play when the locker room decided to nickname him.)

    …I’m out of commentary at the moment. But I’ll leave an advance L-G-B!
    Please, feel free to wipe the floor with the Rags! (You’ll need the two points because you won’t be getting them Wednesday.)

  2. 2 DS March 10, 2008 at 12:48 am

    Kate, I had a long comment typed up but it looks like something ate it? (Too many links?)

    Let me know if it filters through somewhere?

  3. 3 DS March 10, 2008 at 12:50 am

    Or not! (I’ll stop spamming the comments now.;)

  4. 4 Amy March 10, 2008 at 8:22 am

    If Marty Broduer were to walk into my apartment and ask me to marry him right now, I really might say yes; just to see what would happen.

    Just watch out if you have sisters or sisters-in-law. We know Marty’s stumbled down that road once before. :)

    The kid can play, plus, he’s crazy hot and twelve feet tall.

    And he gave a few million dollars to a hospital in Tampa to fund a children’s cancer wing.

  5. 5 Jennfer March 10, 2008 at 11:16 am

    I would rather gouge my own eyes out with a wooden spoon than cheer for the Rangers.

    You’re not alone on this one. I’d like to see the Sabres walk away with 2 points tonight, together with what little pride & dignity the NY Rangers have left.

  6. 6 danielleia March 10, 2008 at 11:21 am

    I may have to disagree with you on Vinny St. Louis. They are my “Brangelina.”


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