I hit a low point on Sunday night. In a state of desperate disillusionment and hockey despair, I sent out a pathetic email to Patty, Heather, and the Ookies declaring that my heart was broken, I couldn’t go on, and that I would not be able to stomach the playoffs this year. All of these ladies have many years of fandom under their belts, and they all offered up very good advice and sympathy. They also all agreed that this year the playoff scene legitimately blows, and many amongst us are going to have to get creative about choosing sides. By using their expertise, along with a careful assessment of my own needs, I believe I have devised a three-day plan to ease myself out of the Sabres season, and into the (pathetically Sabre-less) playoffs.
Temporarily Freeing Myself From the Tyranny of the Sabres
I don’t think I can watch the playoffs without some rooting interest, and obviously my normal rooting interest is not available for rooting, so, I’m going to have to root for someone I normally root against, which is a situation I would never root for, but rooting is a weird thing, and sometimes when you can’t root where you’ve laid your roots, you have to pick up your roots and root elsewhere. Ya know?
Bottom line: I will love the Sabres above all other teams for ever and ever, Amen.
By virtue of their suckiness, the Sabres have abandoned us, and we are now alone and adrift in a continuing hockey season without them. They have left us no choice but to look elsewhere, and to take solace in the arms playoff series of another team. One thing my 32-years on earth has taught me is that before moving forward, we must heal the wounds of the past. Today, I say goodbye (and good riddance) to the 2007-08 Buffalo Sabres.
It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. Together, as team and fan, we’ve had quite a year. Well, I had quite a year, you mostly just skated around, not scoring or winning. (Okay, that’s not quite fair. You scored a ton of goals, and you won enough to keep things interesting right up until the end. That’s not nothing, I suppose.) What I’m trying to tell you is that I do not regret the season we have shared. It’s been awesome, and I can’t WAIT until next year.
I’m not going to waste my summer crying over you. What’s done is done. Things were said, games were played, blog posts were written. As exciting as it’s been, your streakiness has felt, at times, downright abusive, and frankly I’m exhausted. Plus, your inability to qualify for the playoffs has created a whole host of complications in my life, not the least of which is that I now have no choice but to fret full-time about CHRIS FUCKING DRURY again. (If he wins the Cup this year I SWEAR TO GOD I will gouge my eyes out to avoid the hideous sight of it.)
I think that at this point we can all agree that a little time apart might do us some good. You go, have a great summer. I hope you make a ton of new fans. Meanwhile, I’m going to check out some other NHL teams. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I’m not getting any younger here. I’ve missed out on watching a lot of Stanley Cup Playoffs already. I can’t miss another year. I’m going to watch the playoffs, and I’m going to be cheering for some other team; I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.
So, let’s just agree to go our separate ways until the playoffs are over. We all know that this separation is only temporary and at that I’ll probably find a way to freak out about the pending free agency of Dmitri Kalinin within MOMENTS of the end of the Finals, but let’s just do ourselves a favor and save the drama until then. M’kay?
Fondly (sort of),
Stay tuned for Step #2: Facing the Reality of the Playoff Situation.