What a Tool

I am already sick of hearing about Sean Avery and his retarded antics from last night. It was an embarrassment, and it’s a shame that the NHL is going to have to write rules to protect the integrity of the game from such jackassery. I mean, what’s next? Is it illegal to drop trou and moon the opposing goalie? How about spitting on him? Is there specific language against that? How about giving the international sign for “I’m choking! I can’t breath!” and then hopping back up and scoring a goal when the goalie tries to give you the Heimlich? Are roofies specifically outlawed?- because I’ve heard that Marty Brodeur is not very careful about where he leaves his water bottle (full of Sprite).

It is now my fondest hockey desire that the Devils figure out a way to use righteous indignation to propel themselves past the Rangers. How great would it be if Avery’s hand waving shenanigans not only incited passion from the Devils, but also emotionally deflated his own team? Chris Drury’s previously sterling reputation has already been sullied by association. The NHL network was kind enough to provide a close-up, lip-readable shot of Drury “intervening” during the play, and it turns out he wasn’t saying “Stop it, you fuckhead, I’m ashamed to be wearing the same sweater as you,” rather, he said “stick down”. Hopefully, the incident led to all manner of tension and fisticuffs in the Rangers locker room, as any player with an ounce of integrity should be (at the very least) embarrassed to share the bench with Avery.

******

On the flip side, the Flames game was incredible. So effing fun. I can’t believe how much I’ve enjoyed watching playoff games between teams I know nothing about. I love love love that there is a whole Western Conference to explore, and that their games are on late night. Hockey is rad, yo.

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34 Responses to “What a Tool”


  1. 1 Matt April 14, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    How about spitting on him? Is there specific language against that?

    Actually, there really is specific language for spitting, both at an official and at another player…

    Rule 23.7

    “In addition, the following list of infractions can also result in a game misconduct penalty being assessed:
    (i) interfering with or striking a spectator.
    (ii) post-game verbal abuse from players, goalkeepers or non-playing club
    personnel (on or off the ice)
    (iii) racial taunts or slurs
    (iv) spitting on or at an opponent or spectator

    Rule 41.4

    “Any player or goalkeeper
    who, by his actions, physically demeans an official or physically
    threatens an official by (but not limited to) throwing a stick or any other piece of equipment or object at or in the general direction of an official, shooting the puck at or in the general direction of an official, spitting at or in the general direction of an official, or who deliberately applies physical force to an official solely for the purpose of getting free of such an official during or immediately following an altercation shall be suspended for not less than three (3) games.”

    Just thought you should know. =)

  2. 2 Matt April 14, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    Oh, and was it you that was collecting photos of the “Minus Meander”? Or was that the Ookies? Anyway, this is a good one.

  3. 3 Matt April 14, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    One more thing…. I promise this will be the last one.

    I don’t think there’s specific language forbidding a good mooning, although you’d probably have a good case if you brought up the rules about uniforms and how the jersey must be secured to the player’s pants. If you could figure out how to moon a goalie without undoing your fight strap or removing your jersey, I say go for it!

    Nothing says AWESOME like pressed hams on the penalty box door!

  4. 4 Jaime April 14, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    Avery and all that he stands for ruins the game of hockey. This is the kind of stuff that non-hockey watchers see and then dismiss the sport outright!

    On a completely different note, I went to Pizza Plant over the weekend and was tickled that the large sized pod (like a calzone) was called the Paul Gaustad. Is that because it’s big and he’s big or does he visit regularly and always get the big one? Either way, I found it humorous:)

  5. 5 Jaime April 14, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    Oh one last thing. I finally got my husband to read some of your blog and he has one disagreement. He says that pucks do have a smell and it’s not a good one(per your Observations at the top).

  6. 6 Katebits April 14, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Matt, I should have known you’d bust out the rulebook! (I’m actually not surprised to see there is a rule against spitting. I knew that one was probably a bad example.) Mooning is legal?! Hooray! (I’m sure Avery is getting specially designed fasteners attached to his pants so that he can keep everything buckled up tight and still moon people, AS WE SPEAK. He’s an agitating INNOVATOR! :P And thanks for the minus meander shot….that IS a good one.

    Jamie, That’s hilarious that the large pod is named after Goose! As for the puck odor, perhaps mine is defective? *runs out to purchase authentically stinky puck*

  7. 7 Matt April 14, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    *runs out to purchase authentically stinky puck*

    I think they only take on some real odiferous beauty after being stored in close proximity to skates and pads.

  8. 8 jonhoepfinger April 14, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    I can only wait for the Sabrecast on the Sean Avery incident.

  9. 9 Jaime April 14, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    I think they only take on some real odiferous beauty after being stored in close proximity to skates and pads.

    Ok I had to smell some pucks to figure this out. We have a Coyotes puck and a Avalanche puck (I don’t know why) and they do not stink. They smell don’t like anything but my husband’s pail o’ pucks that have indeed been used for the purpose of hockey were not very pleasant. Maybe they were so bad from being cooped up in that small pail or maybe it is because his hockey equipment, especially the gloves, was near them. The smell of used hockey equipment and locker rooms is awful!

  10. 10 Matt April 14, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    maybe it is because his hockey equipment, especially the gloves, was near them.

    Oh yeah, they’ll pick up glove smell super-quick! And that’s just nasty…

    **remembers to take his out on the porch to dry for a bit**

  11. 11 Matt April 14, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Mooning is legal?! Hooray!

    Now, before you get all excited and start dropping trou (especially at Caps fans) remember… It may not be explicitly illegal in the context of hockey, but it IS explicitly illegal in the eyes of local law enforcement.

    Just saying.

    I hate to discourage public pantsless-ness for any reason.

  12. 12 Shari April 14, 2008 at 4:31 pm

    Yep, pucks smell. I only know this because, my son feels the need to smell everything, before he eats,or just random things he comes across. I don’t know why, he’s just weird. Anyway, he stuck a puck in my face one day and they definetly have a terrible rubbery, tire smell. Don’t even get me started on hockey bags afer a game.
    Ik! Ew!

  13. 13 Anne April 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    Just read on NHL.com, just today they amended the Rulebook to include waving your hands or stick infront of the goaltender to be considered goaltender interference. Well done, Sean Avery, well done. You now join the likes of Marty Biron and Rob Ray as having a rule that was created in direct response to you or your actions.

  14. 14 Katie April 14, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    “Hopefully, the incident led to all manner of tension and fisticuffs in the Rangers locker room, as any player with an ounce of integrity should be (at the very least) embarrassed to share the bench with Avery.”

    For as angry as I’ve been with Chris Drury this season, I honestly cannot believe that he can put up with this going on right under his nose. But I guess that shows how much his “intangibles” are respected in the locker room since he can’t control his own players.

    I was so hoping that Marty would just throw caution to the wind and drop him on his ugly face. But he couldn’t because that would be a penalty, while what Avery did wasn’t. Until today! Thank God the NHL is catching on to his antics, but I hate that he is getting all this publicity now because that’s all he wants, attention.

  15. 15 Danielleia April 14, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    “I was so hoping that Marty would just throw caution to the wind and drop him on his ugly face.”

    I know.

    “…I’m ashamed to be wearing the same sweater as you,” rather, he said “stick down”.”

    “Stick down,” What?! I’m surprised, when he played in Buffalo, since leaving, someone was going after Miller and he pulled them away. I thought maybe he was being sportsman-like but now I wonder what he was really doing.

  16. 16 Pookie April 14, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    Hockey pucks always remind me of the time I was at a Phillies game and Boomer mentioned that hockey pucks are made from rubber from all the rubber trees in Canada. I cracked up thinking the concept of “rubber trees” was like the funniest thing ever. Then, 10 years later I read “King Leopold’s Ghost” which deatils the horrible ins-and-outs of the rubber trade in colonial Congo. The emotional punch of the book was a little sullied by me going “Holy shit! Rubber does actually come from trees!” And that’s my story.

  17. 17 Shari April 14, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    Everything you said Katie? Right on! That’s what I was gonna say but you said it so much better than I would have. Tool is a great word for Avery!
    My kids had to show me this morning the clip of Patrick Thoresen blocking a shot with his “groin”. What did your girlfriend say Patrick? “She was just glad the nuts were alright”. Poor girl. But it was funny!

  18. 18 Dave April 14, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    Can someone please tell me what a roofy is?

  19. 19 Katebits April 14, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    Sadly, Dave, a roofie is the date rape drug. It’s very serious and probably not in very good taste to joke about. Sorry about that, dear readers!

  20. 20 Matt April 14, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    Roofy would be short for a drug called Rohypnol. Commonly used to treat insomnia, as a pre-anasthetic, as well as for treating nausea and altitude sickness (all primarily in Latin and South America). An unfortunate side effect is anterograde amnesia, which makes it a dangerous canidate for use as a date rape drug.

    I deny any unlawful experience with roofies to any and all ends.

  21. 21 Dave April 14, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    Thanks for that! Great post, nevertheless. In other news, it appears the Senators have collectively taken roofies and are sleeping/stumbling/forgetting their way through a first-round stomping by the Pens. Not happy here.

  22. 22 Dave April 14, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    annnnnd I press ‘submit’ just as Crosby essentially kills the Sens. Fuck.

  23. 23 Katebits April 14, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    Aw, I’m sorry about these Senators, Dave. This is a bad one for you guys. May I offer you a roofy to dull the pain? :P (JUST KIDDING! I DO NOT condone the use of roofys in any circumstance! Seriously, I don’t know what’s WRONG with me today! No decorum at all. Tsk tsk :D)

  24. 24 Dave April 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    Yes please, Kate…. I’d love one or ten. I’m jealous that the Sabres never made the playoffs. This is downright painful…and I’m SOOO pleased we have Heatley and Spezza wrapped up in contracts for another 75 years.

    The Sens blogs are getting vicious so I thought I’d spread the happy vibes over here. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I hate hockey fuck fuck.

    Just cancel Game 4 and get the off-season started already.

  25. 25 Katebits April 14, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    Oh, poor Dave! I’m not going to lie, watching the Senators has taught me a valuable lesson about squeaking into the playoffs, and how it’s…..not really very fun for the fans. Heatley and Spezza just need a summer of feeling like HUGE LOSERS. They’ll come back all feisty next fall. (This is the reasoning we are using in Buffalo to comfort ourselves. *shifty eyes* The lost opportunity will be good for them…yeah, that’s right! *rocking back and forth* It’s exactly what they need!)

  26. 26 Matt April 14, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    Bah, I’ll be the mean one then… I do not like the Sens and I’m glad to see them DIE!DIE!DIE! although I feel your pain. With Buffalo missing the playoffs and the Devils looking like they’ll give it up any moment, it’s not been happy here. The only bright spot has been the Stars upsetting the Holdouts…er…. I meant “The Ducks”. Sorry.

  27. 27 Katebits April 14, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    Hee. Matt sweeps in to do the dirty work.

    The only bright spot has been the Stars upsetting the Holdouts…er…. I meant “The Ducks”. Sorry.

    How about the Flames and the Wild, Matt? No love for the Flames and the Wild?

  28. 28 Dave April 14, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    Your evolution as a hockey fan is apparent, Kate. Missing the playoffs altogether is WAY better than squeaking in and getting thrashed/steam-rolled/violated (50 more adjectives wouldn’t do the lop-sided nature of this series justice) in the first round.

    As much as having a secondary team for a playoff run
    can be fun (I guess Calgary, but whatever…), it’s just not the same….. this sucks.

    I’m not expecting any love from you guys and I don’t have it in me to berate the Sabres…. I guess all I can do is wish Wade Redden upon you for next season. If you thought Soupy was a pain in the ass, you’re in for a whole new world of frustration with this guy!

  29. 29 JBo April 15, 2008 at 12:25 am

    I just have to say it because no one else has said it yet:

    You know absolutely as well as I do that if it were Crunchy instead of Brodeur in net, that goalie stick would be down on the ground and he would’ve opened a box of Cap’n Crunch on Avery’s sorry ass.

    GOD I hate him.

  30. 30 Katie April 15, 2008 at 7:47 am

    “You know absolutely as well as I do that if it were Crunchy instead of Brodeur in net, that goalie stick would be down on the ground and he would’ve opened a box of Cap’n Crunch on Avery’s sorry ass.”

    This made my morning! I would pay BIG money to see Crunchy put Avery in his place. We all know that skinny body holds a lot of pent-up frustration, and I for one would absolutely LOVE to see it all get thrown at Avery.

  31. 31 Matt April 15, 2008 at 9:07 am

    Katebits, I just can’t get worked up about Calgary for some reason right now. I started off really wanting to watch Iginla, but I’m running low on steam here. Intently watching the Stars, Devils, Habs and Caps is about all I can take right now.

    Sorry to disappoint.

  32. 32 Katebits April 15, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    Hee! JBo, you are so right! Crunchy would have COMPLETELY lost his shit in that situation. Heh.

  33. 33 JBo April 15, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    All I can think of is that one game when the opposing player was all in Miller’s face and he got up and started bashing him in the face with the butt of his stick. GOD what game was that?! My memory is shit.

  34. 34 JBo April 15, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    Ohhhh I remember. It was Scott Upshall of the Flyers. March 4th. God I want to kill him.


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