The New New NHL

Ryan Miller and Brian Campbell were both named to the NHL Competitions Committee today. Hopefully these appointments will lead to lots of conversations like this:

Soupy: I have an idea for a new rule. Get this. (long pause) Are you ready? (Crunchy gives Soupy a partial death glare) You can……….only…..spin-o-rama………… (dramatically long pause)……overtheblueline. (Throws hands into air in gesture of supreme triumph)
Crunchy: (with squinty eyes) Wait. You can’t spin-o-rama anywhere else on the ice?
Soupy: Good GOD, no! That’s not what I meant! You can ALWAYS spin-o-rama! Geez! Why pass on an opportunity to spin when skating in a straight line will do? No, I meant, when you cross the blue line, you HAVE to spin-o-rama.
Crunchy: Going in or out?
Soupy: Both
Crunchy: Does everyone have to spin-o-rama, or just the puck carrier?
Soupy: Everyone.

(Both guys pause to visualize this rule change.)

Crunchy: I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Soupy: Well, you’re wrong.
Crunchy: Well, you’re drunk, so I win. I have an idea for a new rule too.
Soupy. (rolling his eyes) Lemme guess, you want to make the nets smaller.
Crunchy: (excitedly) I want to make the nets tiny. The nets should only be twice the width of the goalie’s hips. That way, scoring is reduced, AND goalies are encouraged to stay slender.
Soupy: (Obviously not paying attention to Crunchy’s idea.) What if we put the nets in the middle of the ice, back-to-back, facing out? (Tapping index finger on chin while staring dramatically into the distance) IMAGINE all the spinning I could do….
Crunchy: (exasperated) That’s dumb.
Soupy: (using air quotes) “YOU’RE” “dumb”
Crunchy: (shaking head in disgust) That’s it, my boy. You’ve just lost your air quotes privileges.
Soupy: (distraught) (using very small, sad air quotes) “Rats.”

End Scene


20 Responses to “The New New NHL”

  1. 1 Katie April 21, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    This is so perfect, Katebits!!

    Well, you’re drunk, so I win.

    This one takes the cake…maybe Soupy can refer to these as the “f-ing stupid Competitions Meetings”

    I kinda wonder just how awkward this reunion is going to be…And if Big Joe is jealous that his new BFF will be hanging out with the far-superior Crunchy again.

    PS: Why can I totally picture Crunchy using “slender”? =)

  2. 2 Heather B. April 21, 2008 at 10:53 pm

    Okay. Brian Campbell misusing air quotes might be my favorite thing that you’ve ever written ever.

  3. 3 Katebits April 21, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    Katie, the famous “fucking stupid Ice Bowl” quote almost made it in, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it! I wish I had consulted you!

    Heather, I’m so glad “you” like Soupy’s “air” quotes. :P

  4. 4 Anne April 21, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    You know Soupy heard that Crunchy was going to be on the committee so he seized this opportunity to be back with his “boy”.

    50 bucks says they get into an open-palmed slap fest over who gets to sit next to Jason Spezza and spit in his coffee.

  5. 5 danielleia April 21, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    HAHAHA! Could you see players spin-o-rama-ing all over the ice? Nice use of imagery.

    Anne: extreme rock, paper, scissors?

  6. 6 Katie April 21, 2008 at 11:35 pm

    Anne, maybe they would resort to hair-pulling, they both have some lengthy man-locks!

    And I really wish that in his blog Crunchy would have referred to Soupy as something even more fun than his “boy”…I would have loved it to read “my home-dogg Brian Campbell”

  7. 7 Amy April 22, 2008 at 7:48 am

    Well, you’re drunk, so I win

    Why do I have the feeling that Crunchy has said this in real life?

  8. 8 Schnookie April 22, 2008 at 7:59 am

    AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god, I LOVE THIS! It’s all just so perfect! I am also loving the thought of all ten skaters having to spin-a-rama two-thirds of the way up the ice in one of those games where the teams are just trading end-to-end chances… That would be hilarious! Soupy is a genius, in a doltish fool kind of way.

  9. 9 Erin April 22, 2008 at 8:17 am

    I’m picturing the very narrow net and cracking up. I’m also seeing like a station in the dressing room where goalies would be wrapping tape measures around themselves and having teammates pulling their corsets tighter.

    Very funny Katebits!

  10. 10 Anne April 22, 2008 at 8:19 am

    I would have loved it to read “my home-dogg Brian Campbell”

    I’m personally pulling for the classic “brotha from anotha motha” myself.

    (Throws hands into air in gesture of supreme triumph)

    I imagine Soupy does this a lot when he finishes sentences. It’s how people know he’s finished, cuz, who really listens when he talks?

  11. 11 jonhoepfinger April 22, 2008 at 9:20 am

    very small sad air quotes, may stay with me for a while. I may use them in real life, because the image is so funny.

  12. 12 Pookie April 22, 2008 at 9:38 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m so glad we got another Crunchy dialog! I feel like it’s been ages. Soupy’s a mad genius!

  13. 13 el macho April 22, 2008 at 10:42 am

    helo stuped! u dunt know how gud the skaten tomato es!!! mi ant jenai lekes him. i am cending a kung fu guy tu mak business on u TODAY! ef u went tu buy a crab rangun go ahead -$50 for pepole who dun leke soupe!!


  14. 15 Patty (in Dallas) April 22, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    Gosh. I’m not sure I can convey just how funny I thought that conversation was. So I’m not even going to try.

  15. 16 Patty (in Dallas) April 22, 2008 at 7:59 pm

    50 bucks says they get into an open-palmed slap fest over who gets to sit next to Jason Spezza and spit in his coffee.


  16. 17 Katebits April 22, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    I’m glod you guys like this one! :D

  17. 18 CrotchetyOriginalSam April 23, 2008 at 8:52 am

    This might just be my favorite TWC post ever. I’m about to head to a double rehearsal with Neville Marriner, and I know for a fact that I’m going to be having audible giggle fits all day because blue-line spin-o-ramas and tiny goal nets tended by emaciated goalies are going to be running through my mind without end!

    (Also, Kate, doesn’t this seem like the kind of conversation you and I would have actually had while drunk at a viola party back in college? I mean, had you been a hockey fan at the time…)

  18. 19 jonhoepfinger April 23, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Seriously Jeff Halpern is on this committee. Why? Does anyone in the league go, who would help the game be better. Ah! Jeff Halpern.

  19. 20 elise April 23, 2008 at 10:25 am

    i will watch many hockey games if spin-o-rama-ing is happening everywhere! kate, next dance night at Apple Hill…the new move…

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