Oh My Hockey Gods

Scene: Katebits is sitting on a cloud, surrounded by many huge, ethereal beings.

Katebits: Hey, Hockey Gods.
God of Penalty Kills: (with low, booming voice) Hello, Katebits. How are you?
Katebits: (sullenly) Not very good, frankly.
God of Icing: What’s wrong?
Katebits: It’s these playoffs! They’re making me cranky!
God of Icing: Why?
Katebits: (crossly) All I want is for Soupy’s team to be eliminated because of some ill-advised spinoramas! Is that too much to ask? Instead of the Sharks losing, Soupy scores the come-from-behind, game-tying goal? That SUCKED. This SUCKS. You guys aren’t DOING this right. Why are the FLYERS still playing?! IF THE SHARKS AREN’T ELIMINATED IN THEIR NEXT GAME, I WILL FREAK OUT. DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL FREAK OUT!
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: (thunderously) SILENCE! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE HOCKEY GODS?

(descending upon Katebits in a swirl of dark mist)

Katebits: (terrified) I’m..I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!
God of Referees: (blowing a whistle and standing between Katebits and the God of Illegal Hits) Chill out, Clyde. She’s in a vulnerable position right now. You can’t attack her.
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: FINE…….BUT YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, REF!
God of Referees: (Blows whistle and points emphatically) That’s it! You’re out of here!

(God of Thunderous Illegal Hits slinks away into the big dressing room in the sky)

God of Schadenfreude: Ha! That guy is such a douchebag! I love it when he gets ejected for being a tool.
God of Canadian National Anthem: (singing) O, Kaaa-aate Bits! You are so verr-rry sad! Hoooow can we heeeeeelp? It’s rea-lly not that baaaaad!
Katebits: Yes it is! It’s bad enough that the Sabres didn’t even make the playoffs, but now all the EX-Sabres are being all heroic. Argh! If I hear one more word about Marty Biron being a legitimate candidate for the Conn Smythe, I’m going to scream. (wailing) It’s TORTURE.
God of Poke Checks: Katebits, I think you are failing to remember all the things you like about hockey. You’re too worked up about certain teams and players. What about poke checks? You love a good poke check!
Katebits: (sniffling) Well….that’s true, I suppose. I do love poke checks. Marty Turco has been on fire with those lately.
God of Faceoffs: And clean faceoff wins! Who doesn’t love those?
Katebits: (smiling) You’d have to me dead not to appreciate a nice clean faceoff win.
God of High Ankle Sprains: Listen, you need to chill out because it could really be a lot worse than this. Don’t make us show you how much worse it could be.
God of Sports Hernias: Seriously. Quit your whining, Katebits, or I’ll give you something to whine about.
Katebits: You’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t question your plan, Hockey Gods. I’ll be chill.
God of Playoff Goggles: Just try to focus on the stuff you DO like. Like Chris Osgood! He’s your nerdy playoff boyfriend!
Katebits: Okay, I’ll try.
God of Overtime: At least in the playoffs there are no more third points or shootouts.
Katebits: True. But there are also no Sabres
God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews: Listen, if you can’t make your own fun Katebits, that’s your problem. We’re giving you plenty to work with here.
Katebits: You are absolutely right.
God of Green Gatorade Bottles: And stay hydrated! You’re looking a little parched. (turning to the God sitting next to him) Does she look like she needs more electrolytes to you?
God of Impending Free Agency: (putting hand over the cell phone he is holding to his ear) I can’t talk right now….I’ve got Ryan Miller on the phone.
Katebits: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (leaps off of cloud in despair)
God of Impending Free Agency: What’s her problem? I was just reminding Crunchy that he should sign an extension this summer if he wants to avoid the drama. I was just doing my job by making sure he was aware of all his options!
God of Schadenfreude: (glancing over the edge of the cloud) Heh. Katebits is such a spaz. I don’t think she’ll ever learn. Heh heh heh.

End Scene

17 Responses to “Oh My Hockey Gods”

  1. 1 Schnookie May 3, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: *colon key falls off computer*

    This is BRILLIANT, Katebits! BRILLIANT!!!! And also, so true. I love which of the Gods made an appearance here. I’m sure if you hadn’t jumped off that cloud, the God of 5-on-3 Penalty Kills and the God of Hot Left-Handed Hockey Players With Scrumptious Manmitts would have stepped in to further work to cheer you up.

  2. 2 Pookie May 3, 2008 at 4:20 pm


    Great post! Man, that God of Green Gatorade Bottle is so single-minded!

  3. 3 Katebits May 3, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Hee! Thanks guys! I had a lot of fun writing this one. It was a hoot trying to think of a bunch of specific Hockey Gods.

  4. 4 Mags May 3, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    *dies laughing* I love the God of the Canadian National Anthem :D. I adore that you included him/her/it :D

  5. 5 Heather B. May 3, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    Awesome work, Kate. I always mention there being more than one Hockey God but I never thought of them being assigned specific tasks. I’m sure that’s EXACTLY how it is!

  6. 6 Amy May 3, 2008 at 7:38 pm


    I love the Canadian Anthem God and Walking Shirtless Player God.

  7. 7 Mary May 3, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    I’m glad the God of Impending Free Agency is making sure Crunchy knows all his options. And that the God of Thunderous Illegal Hits’ name is Clyde. Somehow that makes everything even greater.

    This post is sooooo funny and sooooo great. :)

  8. 8 Destiny May 3, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    Funny! I think the “God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews” is my favorite, seconded by the “God of Green Gatorade Bottles” because I have always been fascinated by them.

    Really great post, made me giggle!

  9. 9 Katebits May 3, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Aw, thanks everyone! I think we will have tons of fun discovering new and funny Hockey Gods this summer. :D

  10. 10 grrrreg May 3, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    Great post.
    I’m feeling empty though. My 2008 habs are gone.

    Hopefully the God of Schadenfreude will be nice to me in the next round when I’ll watch Biron actually letting in some goals, Umberger getting back to his usual anonymous player status, and the flyers losing in the most heartbreaking way possible.

    This is gonna be a sad sunday…

  11. 11 Katebits May 3, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    Oh, grrreg I am so sorry! For all of my bitching about the Habs, I really did like them this year and I really wanted them to win. I will pray to the God of Schadenfreude on your behalf tonight. :P

  12. 12 Katie May 3, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    This may be my favorite post of yours, Katebits(which is really saying something)!!

    My personal favotite is the “God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews” followed closely by the “God of the Candian National Anthem”

    Now all we need is the God of Sticking to the System, the God of Playoff Beards, and the God of Rally Helmets to bring you back to the cloud!!

  13. 13 JBo May 3, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    The God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews is my favorite. :) Great scene, Katebits. You left me in stitches.

  14. 14 grrrreg May 4, 2008 at 6:13 am

    thank you Katebits!
    Actually, I think I’ll be just fine. They did not really deserve to win this series. Hopefully they’ll learn from it. I think this is a promising team.

    Right now I’m going through the usual “well, good, at least I’m free from hockey for a few weeks, I’ll be able to get back to my normal life” phase. The “god, is it october yet?” phase should be coming soon, though… ;-)

    By the way I love this blog, I wish I had discovered it sooner.

  15. 15 Katebits May 4, 2008 at 11:25 am

    Now all we need is the God of Sticking to the System,

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I SO wish I had thought of the God of Sticking to the System!

    Aw, thanks grrreg. I’m glad you wandered into TWC!

  16. 16 Tessa May 5, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Well, it wasn’t a spinorama, but the God of Ill-Advised Penalties in Quadruple Overtime came through for you and made sure Campbell was in the box for the Sharks’ season-ending goal against. ;)

  17. 17 Katebits May 5, 2008 at 2:20 am

    Thank you, God of Ill-Advised Penalties in Quadruple Overtime! Thank you! (I bet that Hockey God doesn’t see a lot of action. :P)

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