Scene: Katebits is sitting on a cloud, surrounded by many huge, ethereal beings.
Katebits: Hey, Hockey Gods.
God of Penalty Kills: (with low, booming voice) Hello, Katebits. How are you?
Katebits: (sullenly) Not very good, frankly.
God of Icing: What’s wrong?
Katebits: It’s these playoffs! They’re making me cranky!
God of Icing: Why?
Katebits: (crossly) All I want is for Soupy’s team to be eliminated because of some ill-advised spinoramas! Is that too much to ask? Instead of the Sharks losing, Soupy scores the come-from-behind, game-tying goal? That SUCKED. This SUCKS. You guys aren’t DOING this right. Why are the FLYERS still playing?! IF THE SHARKS AREN’T ELIMINATED IN THEIR NEXT GAME, I WILL FREAK OUT. DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL FREAK OUT!
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: (thunderously) SILENCE! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE HOCKEY GODS?
(descending upon Katebits in a swirl of dark mist)
Katebits: (terrified) I’m..I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!
God of Referees: (blowing a whistle and standing between Katebits and the God of Illegal Hits) Chill out, Clyde. She’s in a vulnerable position right now. You can’t attack her.
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: FINE…….BUT YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, REF!
God of Referees: (Blows whistle and points emphatically) That’s it! You’re out of here!
(God of Thunderous Illegal Hits slinks away into the big dressing room in the sky)
God of Schadenfreude: Ha! That guy is such a douchebag! I love it when he gets ejected for being a tool.
God of Canadian National Anthem: (singing) O, Kaaa-aate Bits! You are so verr-rry sad! Hoooow can we heeeeeelp? It’s rea-lly not that baaaaad!
Katebits: Yes it is! It’s bad enough that the Sabres didn’t even make the playoffs, but now all the EX-Sabres are being all heroic. Argh! If I hear one more word about Marty Biron being a legitimate candidate for the Conn Smythe, I’m going to scream. (wailing) It’s TORTURE.
God of Poke Checks: Katebits, I think you are failing to remember all the things you like about hockey. You’re too worked up about certain teams and players. What about poke checks? You love a good poke check!
Katebits: (sniffling) Well….that’s true, I suppose. I do love poke checks. Marty Turco has been on fire with those lately.
God of Faceoffs: And clean faceoff wins! Who doesn’t love those?
Katebits: (smiling) You’d have to me dead not to appreciate a nice clean faceoff win.
God of High Ankle Sprains: Listen, you need to chill out because it could really be a lot worse than this. Don’t make us show you how much worse it could be.
God of Sports Hernias: Seriously. Quit your whining, Katebits, or I’ll give you something to whine about.
Katebits: You’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t question your plan, Hockey Gods. I’ll be chill.
God of Playoff Goggles: Just try to focus on the stuff you DO like. Like Chris Osgood! He’s your nerdy playoff boyfriend!
Katebits: Okay, I’ll try.
God of Overtime: At least in the playoffs there are no more third points or shootouts.
Katebits: True. But there are also no Sabres
God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews: Listen, if you can’t make your own fun Katebits, that’s your problem. We’re giving you plenty to work with here.
Katebits: You are absolutely right.
God of Green Gatorade Bottles: And stay hydrated! You’re looking a little parched. (turning to the God sitting next to him) Does she look like she needs more electrolytes to you?
God of Impending Free Agency: (putting hand over the cell phone he is holding to his ear) I can’t talk right now….I’ve got Ryan Miller on the phone.
Katebits: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (leaps off of cloud in despair)
God of Impending Free Agency: What’s her problem? I was just reminding Crunchy that he should sign an extension this summer if he wants to avoid the drama. I was just doing my job by making sure he was aware of all his options!
God of Schadenfreude: (glancing over the edge of the cloud) Heh. Katebits is such a spaz. I don’t think she’ll ever learn. Heh heh heh.