Summer Heals All Wounds

Filed away on my WordPress dashboard, I have a whole bunch of drafts of posts that never got published. The reasons for their unpublishability are varied. Some of them were too angry, some weren’t funny enough, and some just never got finished. Every once in awhile, when I’m hard up for fresh TWC content (like today, for example) I go to the draft pile to see if there is anything salvageable.

I just found something that made me giggle. It was written in late February, and it’s titled “I Hate All Of You”. It’s a complete list of the Sabres and the main reason that I hate that particular guy. I made the right decision by not publishing it because the tone of the post is all over the place. A lot of the reasons are light-hearted, but some of them are legitimately cranky, and a few of them are downright toxic. In the fancy-free summertime I can’t really remember why I would say such mean things about the Sabres. It made me laugh to read something so cranky when I’m so far removed from my feelings of crankiness.

Here are some of the more amusing reasons I hated the Sabres in late February:

Dimitri Kalinin: Your head is upsettingly square.

Nathan Paetsch: Your last name is hard to spell, and that pisses me off.

Paul Gaustad: You’re not doing enough to save the environment.

Toni Lydman: Stop taking bong hits before the games.

Jaroslav Spacek: Screw you.

(I think the Spacek one is particularly poignant.)

Jason Pominville: Um…..Okay fine. I adore you.

Jochen Hecht: You look like a goddamn duck when you speak.


I’m going to do us all a favor and spare the internet the more legitimately hateful reasons for hating the Sabres. It’s summer! I loooove the Sabres in July!

15 Responses to “Summer Heals All Wounds”

  1. 1 Shari July 7, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    Yochen might look like a duck when he speaks, but he should never stop smiling!
    I took my son for his yearly echo today. He has the same thing Teppo does(aortic bicuspid valve). The woman who does the echo knows Teppo and his disgustingly beatiful wife, who she says is a real doll. She also said Teppo is the sweetest, most down to earth man you’ll ever meet. She had nothing but nice things to say about the Numminens. Also that he was suppose to come to the kids cardiac camp later this week but he’s still in Finland and he’s not sure if the Sabres are going to resign him yet.
    He’s a character guy, a great warrior leader, and the heart is fixed now. One more year is all I’m asking for Darcy, even if he has to sit it out with Petey every now and then.

  2. 2 Schnookie July 7, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! This is a FANTASTIC idea for a post! But yeah, it’s a lot more hilarious and less negative when it’s July and you don’t actually hate anyone. Thanks for sharing! (And stockpiling unpublishable drafts during the season for the sole purpose of out-of-context, summer printing is pure genius. I think I might deliberately write a bunch of nonsensical posts about the Devils this year and make our summer project for next off-season be “A Tour Of All The Things That Weren’t Worth Saying”. It’s gonna rawk!)

  3. 3 Anne July 7, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    Jochen Hecht: You look like a goddamn duck when you speak.

    But, but, but that’s half the reason I love him so much!!

  4. 4 TheTick July 7, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    My son LOVES Teppo…at least once a week he asks if Teppo has resigned with the Sabres yet. Poor guy.

    I’ve never kept a post I didn’t, uh, post as soon as I wrote it. Maybe once, if I started something at work (shh!) and needed some data I had crunched at home to finish it. I just can’t stand to leave something in draft mode.

  5. 5 Katebits July 8, 2008 at 12:02 am

    Aw, Shari! Teppo sounds so sweet. I really hope they sign him.

    Thanks, Schnookie! But I really can’t take any credit for thinking this through. Stockpiling things for the summer during the season actually IS a good ides. I wish I had thought of it! :P

    Anne, it’s a fine line between love and hate, no? :D

    Tick, I don’t know why, but I have a ton of little scraps of posts. I have almost 40 unused drafts. Most of them are just little snippets of unfleshed out ideas.

  6. 6 Amy July 8, 2008 at 8:29 am

    Couldn’t the Spacek one be applied to pretty much half the team at some point during the year?

    Jochen Hecht: You look like a goddamn duck when you speak.

    I never noticed that before. I’ll have to go find a Jochen video and check it out.

  7. 7 Katebits July 8, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Amy, Yo-yo doesn’t fully open his mouth when he speaks. He only moves the center part of his lips. He’s wasting his dazzling smile by talking like a duck!

    And yeah, the Spacek one is pretty generic. I think that’s why I like it. :P

  8. 8 ToonTom July 8, 2008 at 10:44 am

    For some reason, when I hear the name Teppo, I always think of the Marx Brothers.

  9. 9 Pookie July 8, 2008 at 10:50 am

    I love the idea of the Sabres lined up in front of their bunk beds with you walking down the aisle with a clipboard barking out the reasons you hate each guy.

  10. 10 Kathee July 8, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    ^^^ LOL ^^^ That mental image just made may day! It was speeding downhill, so I knew I could come here to put the brakes on! Thanks!

  11. 11 Katebits July 8, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    Pookie, :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: See, now I hadn’t thought of the bunkbed/clipboard angle. That’s…..quite a mental image. Heh.

  12. 12 Jennifer July 8, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    After reading these, I’d love to hear some of the other reasons. You’ve got to admit that at some point in the season, they each probably earned/had a “reason” for you to hate them. But how could you say that Goose is not doing enough to save the environment? He’s only ONE Goose. :)

  13. 13 Heather B. July 8, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    ToonTom, we call Teppo the Lost Marx Brother at our house because his name totally fits in.

    And it’s true, Jochen talks like a duck. It’s cute though. I’m strangely fond of Tri’s square head as well.

  14. 14 ReigningFrog July 10, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    Kalinan’s head is totally upsettingly square!

  1. 1 It’s Football Season! « The Willful Caboose Trackback on August 30, 2009 at 1:13 pm

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