What You Need To Know About the Olympics:

Now, I’ve been talking a big talk about women’s weightlifting and foxy archery, but everyone knows that the real meat of the Olympics is men’s swimming and women’s gymnastics.

Join me as I investigate these two sports, TWC-style:

Men’s Swimming

Let’s not beat around the bush here. Male swimmers are very attractive. They’re all twenty feet tall, and they have chests as wide as football fields. They strut about all tanned and fabulous in tiny little speedos being generally foxy. Men’s swimming is the best.

The big story in swimming is Michael Phelps. I have mixed feelings about Michael Phelps mostly because I hate overdogs, but he’s arrived in Beijing prepared to fight for my affection. I have gone on the record many times as being PRO-facial hair. Lately I’ve been loving the comeback of the mustache (the 70’s-porn-star-ier the better). Check him out:

Phelps mustache

Won’t that thing create some drag? No matter. Michael Phelps’ awesomeness can overcome any watery obstacle.

Women’s Gymnastics

Word on the street is that this will boil down to the US team versus the Chinese team. Have I mentioned the Olympics are in Beijing this year? There’s absolutely no potential for this to get fucked up. No siree. Rallying around oddly yoked, tiny little girls is the PERFECT way for us all to enjoy some old-fashioned, feel-good nationalism.

Capitalist

She’s trained in espionage.

Communist

She loves capitalism.

This is going to be great, and not at all creepy!

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15 Responses to “What You Need To Know About the Olympics:”


  1. 1 kevin August 5, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    I hate woman’s gymnastics. Anything that prevents girls from menstruating and getting breasts until they are 30 is not ok in my book.

  2. 2 Katebits August 5, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Pshaw! Who needs boobs when you can do a million handsprings in a row?

  3. 3 Chaz August 5, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    Yes! My two favorite summer olympic sports! Plus, Phelps is hottt.
    =)

  4. 4 danielleia August 5, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    Chaz, I agree with that statement to the fullest (and wooooo!!! for handsprings!).

  5. 5 Schnookie August 5, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    Pshaw! Who needs boobs when you can do a million handsprings in a row?

    :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: For one week out of every four years, I am able to overlook how horrifically abusive “women’s” gymnastics is to its participants. Fortunately, that week generally coincides with the Olympics.

    And my biggest problem with Michael Phelps is that I find him troublingly not hott. He might be the most amazing swimmer, but he’s just so ugly! I miss the Thorpedo. :(

  6. 6 Katebits August 5, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    For one week out of every four years, I am able to overlook how horrifically abusive “women’s” gymnastics is to its participants. Fortunately, that week generally coincides with the Olympics.

    Schnookie, I was thinking that same thing earlier. I believe my record will show that I am a proud supporter of breasts and menstruation for 3 years and 51 weeks out of every four years. That’s a pretty strong track record. For one week during the Olympics I lose focus. It’s all those handsprings! They’re so dazzling!

  7. 7 Katebits August 5, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    Also, I agree that Michael Phelps is no Ian Thorpe in the looks department, but he’s still got nice shoulders.

  8. 8 Pookie August 5, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    I am a proud supporter of breasts and menstruation for 3 years and 51 weeks out of every four years

    Exactly! Robbing myself of the drama of women’s Olympics gymnastics just because I normally support breasts and menstruation is just cutting off my boobs to spite my chest. Or something. I mean, really, a life with bitchy Svetlana Khorkina showing all those perky be-sparkly-maked-uped Americans how it’s done is a life half lived. Women’s gymnastics is the ice dancing of the Summer Olympics.

    As for Michael Phelps, I find his brand of overdogness compelling. He’s just so damn good at what he does. He might not be hot, but that is.

  9. 9 Katebits August 5, 2008 at 10:03 pm

    Robbing myself of the drama of women’s Olympics gymnastics just because I normally support breasts and menstruation is just cutting off my boobs to spite my chest.

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::GAAAAAAAAASP::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

  10. 10 Schnookie August 5, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Robbing myself of the drama of women’s Olympics gymnastics just because I normally support breasts and menstruation is just cutting off my boobs to spite my chest.

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to infinity! I think I’m going to adopt this as an everyday adage. At work.

  11. 11 danielleia August 5, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    Ryan Lochte is another personal fave.

  12. 12 Grrrreg August 6, 2008 at 5:19 am

    I really like Phelps mustache. I like how he doesn’t care that on all the pictures of one of the most defining moments of his life, he’s gonna forever look like an ass. This is bold.
    It’s a bit like Cathy Freeman during the 400m finals in Sydney in 2000. Perhaps the single moste important event of her life, and yet she decided to wear an ugly full body suit.

  13. 13 Amy August 6, 2008 at 8:46 am

    Robbing myself of the drama of women’s Olympics gymnastics just because I normally support breasts and menstruation is just cutting off my boobs to spite my chest.

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    That’s a brilliant analogy.

    I like Michael Phelps, just because of what I read about him in the New York Times. I guess for as graceful as he is in the water, he’s a total klutz on land. I’m a fan of klutzes, being that I am one myself.

  14. 14 Jaime August 6, 2008 at 9:49 am

    My favorite swimmer from the 2000 Olympics was Lenny Krayzelburg. He was beautiful.

  15. 15 Katebits August 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Ooooh, I remember that guy Jaime.


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