Everybody’s Good At Something

I took the loss last night pretty hard.  I consider this blog a labor of love, and sometimes (when I am feeling FAR from loving towards the Sabres) I go to a dark place, and I resent the time and effort I put into this blog and following this stinky team.  But in my heart of hearts, I know that’s on me.  If I’m going to become a cranky beeyotch because of following hockey, I probably shouldn’t follow hockey anymore.  I can’t really blame the Sabres for ruining my day, because I’m an adult human who has great family, friends and a tupperware full of homemade marshmallows.  Life really doesn’t need to be this angst-y, ya know?

So, today I said to myself, “Self, you need to stop letting the Sabres get you down,” and I set about trying to find a funny angle to this generally unfunny scene.  Fortunately for me, that’s when my phone rang.  It was my friend Dinesh, and before we moved on to the official reason for his call, we had a brief chat about the Devils game.

Dinesh: So, you were at the game last night?
Kate: Sadly, yes.
Dinesh: That bad?
Kate: The Sabres are just not good at playing hockey.
Dinesh: Well, everybody’s good at something.  Maybe hockey just isn’t the Sabres thing.

This made me laugh.  Pretty hard, actually.  I think Dinesh has a good point.  Lord knows the Sabres are not good at hockey, but they must be good at something. Everybody IS good at something. This got me thinking, “What are these guys good at?  If not hockey, what?”

In an effort to figure out what they’re good at, I faxed out one of those “career aptitude” tests to the Sabres this morning (you know, the test we all took in high school to determine what line of work we are most suited for. Bonus bit of Katebits trivia:  My high school career aptitude test told me that I should be a parking lot attendant. I shit you not).   The results have been trickling in, so here is your first installment of “Every Sabre’s Good at Something”. I may or may not return to this series, depending on how bad the Sabres get this season.   I’ve found that I am most reliant on this type of blogging whimsy in the darkest of hockey watching hours.


In no way do I mean to suggest that these particular Sabres are any worse at hockey than any of the other Sabres.  These are just the guys who have already turned in their career aptitude tests.

Jaroslav Spacek is best suited to being a guide at a natural history museum.  His stern disposition and dry sense of humor make him an ideal candidate for keeping large groups of school children under control while they are on a field trip.  The kids would start the tour terrified of him, and would end the tour laughing hysterically at his taxidermy-centric sense of humor.  His experience skating backwards would serve him well when called upon to walk backwards through a museum while saying, “Right this way.  Please follow me.  On your right you’ll see the prehistoric pigeon, which scientists believe was used as trophy symbolizing triumph amongst the Homo Sapien Neanderthalensis.  Of course, in modern times, the pigeon is a flying rat.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Now if you’ll come right this way we’ll continue our tour….”  Fallback career: Flight attendant

Paul Gaustad is well suited to a variety of careers based in civil service, but we here at Katebit’s Talent Assessment feel Goose is best suited to being a stay-at-home dad. Can’t you just see Goose handing some little kid a baggy full of carrot sticks while bouncing another kid in the Baby Bjorn?  Who better than Paul Gaustad to destroy the hearts, minds and marriages of the moms at nursery school?  Plus, he’d solve the playground bully situation once and for all- by beating the little assholes up.  Fallback Career: singing/dancing chimney sweep

Tim Connolly is best suited to being a viola player parking lot attendant.  Fallback Career: Drug dealer


21 Responses to “Everybody’s Good At Something”

  1. 1 Katebits December 18, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    Just as an aside, if someone can tell me where I first heard the, “So I said to myself, ‘Self,….'” joke, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have a vague memory of Will Farrell making that joke, but I’m not so sure. For some reason it’s infiltrated my consciousness, and I think it’s the funniest joke in the world right now.

  2. 2 Heather B. December 18, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    I couldn’t tell you where it originated but I think it’s much older than Will Ferrell. He might’ve said it but I’m doubtful he created it.

  3. 3 Katebits December 18, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Was is Bill Murray in Ghost Busters?

  4. 4 CrotchetyOriginalSam December 18, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    Older. At least Abbott & Costello old. Marx Brothers old. Maybe older still.

    “Self, you need to stop letting the Sabres get you down”

    My initial reaction to this sentence was to want to hunt down a dog-eared copy of Feeling Good and mail it to you.

    My high school career aptitude test told me that I should be a parking lot attendant.

    And you became a violist? Way to run smack into the low bar they set for you…

  5. 5 Meg December 18, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    I googled, “So I said to myself, ‘self'” and found that someone has considered this question quite seriously: Post I, Post II. To summarize, Bill Cosby may or may not have used the phrase in comedy routines in the 60s.

    Also, I think Paul Gaustad would make an excellent singing, dancing chimney sweep. Would he also speak with an appalling Cockney accent?

  6. 6 Meg December 18, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I don’t think I did that second link right. Let’s try that again: Part II.

  7. 7 Chaz December 18, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Tim Connolly is best suited to being a viola player parking lot attendant. Fallback Career: Drug dealer

    I think you hit the fallback career right on the head.

  8. 8 danielleia December 18, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    When I took mine, it said I should be a flight attendant or elementary teacher.

    P.S. Somewhere, somehow, I heard Enya’s coming to town. :P

  9. 9 Katebits December 18, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    How HILARIOUS that someone went to such trouble to figure out the origins of that joke! Thanks for the links, Meg! I still don’t understand where it originated, but I now know pretty definitively why it’s in the front of my brain. I’ve been plowing my way through the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” DVDs. (I never watched it while it was on. That show is pretty good, you guys.) Anyway, I’m in the middle of season 4, and apparently Willow said it a few episodes ago. I didn’t consciously notice it at the time, but it definitely seeped into my soft brain.

    I know Sam, once they pigeon-holed me I really couldn’t escape the “parking lot attendant” career trajectory.

  10. 10 CrotchetyOriginalSam December 18, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    On the plus side, violists are rarely, if ever, asked to make change for a fifty on a $3 parking fee…

  11. 11 Schnookie December 18, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    Katebits, this post and this concept in general are BRILLIANT! And I know how you feel about Timmy, but isn’t that a REALLY low blow to say he would be a violist parking lot attendant? I mean, he’s not THAT bad. NO ONE is that bad. *Cough* Um, except you.

  12. 12 Pookie December 18, 2008 at 11:35 pm

    :::::::::::::::::: gasp ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    I’m sorry you were in a dark place, but if it’s going to create genius posts like this? I’m all for it! (Just kidding. I don’t want you to be miserable. [But this was really funny. So.])

  13. 13 Katebits December 19, 2008 at 2:31 am

    Aw, thanks guys! Both for the sympathy and for the props. And no, Schnookie, no one IS as bad as a viola playing parking lot attendant. Even Timmy. :P

  14. 14 Jonathan December 19, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Kate you know when the Sabres are struggling, who usually stops by and says hello


    They better get better or Blobby is going to rear his ugly head again.

  15. 15 Jaime December 19, 2008 at 9:22 am

    This is hilarious! I think that Jaro would most definitely make the best museum tour guide! i can just hear the children in the group asking, “What is he saying?” and the techers/chaperones just shrugging their shoulders.

    My aptitude test in high school told me to be a horse trainer. Go figure.

  16. 16 Ang December 19, 2008 at 11:25 am

    dont give up kate! the blog makes the suckiness bareable!
    i had a teacher in i beleive 3rd grade so round about 1984 that loved saying I said to myself, self…. so at least 1984.

  17. 17 Amy December 19, 2008 at 11:43 am

    he’d solve the playground bully situation once and for all- by beating the little assholes up.

    Those little ones would never see it coming.

  18. 18 Katebits December 19, 2008 at 11:57 am

    Amazingly, just as easily as I can see Goose doling out baggys of carrot sticks, I can see him pulling the shirt over a little kids head in preparation for the knock out punch. Heh.

    It’s a winter wonderland today. Just thought I’d toss that out there.

  19. 19 Rebecca December 20, 2008 at 11:11 am

    HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laughs! Keep ’em coming. I wanna know what Crunchy’s career aptitude test says!

  20. 20 Katebits December 20, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Rebecca, I am in the process of trying to analyze Crunchy’s test. I’m sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you that he’s a complicated and insane dude. :P

  21. 21 Sarah December 21, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    My favorite post. ever. You need to expand the test results for the whole team! :)

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