The Assignments

Dear Buffalo Sabres,

You suck so hard.  Honestly.


HRH, Katebits

PS- My willingness to analyze your problems has been decreasing steadily, and at this point all I really have to say is, “The Sabres are not good at managing, coaching, or playing hockey.”  That’s pretty much the extent of my recent Sabres-related thoughts (well, that and, “Chris Butler is oddly alluring.  Why did I never notice this before?”).  But the thing is, I write a Sabres blog.  People (extremely misguided people, mind you) come to a specific location on the world wide web just to read what I have to say about the Sabres.  I do feel some degree of obligation to at least try to understand what’s wrong with you.

I’ve been asking myself, what IS wrong with you guys?  Specifically.  I mean, sure, it’s perfectly obvious that collectively you suck, but certainly you each have your own specific set of skills and areas of potential improvement.  I’ve given this a lot of thought recently, and I’ve devised a plan:  I’m going to fix the team, and I’m going to do it with the players and the coaches that we already have.  My plan for improvement will not involve Bouwmeester or any other juicy free agent galloping in to save you.  No, my plan is based on hard work, a manageable system, and using the long offseason to our advantage.

I’m going to review the organization, top to bottom (that means you too, Larry!), and over the next few weeks, you can expect to receive your summer homework assignments.  I will be carefully analyzing each of your 2008-09 performances, and I will be assigning you each REQUIRED summer homework.  These assignments are 100% NON-NEGOTIABLE.  Failure to complete your assignments will put you IMMEDIATELY in my dog house. (My dog house is not to be confused with Jerry Sullivan’s dog house, which is just a really awkward online tsk-tsking.   My dog house is an actual house full of trained, killer dogs.  I assure you, you do not want to go there.)

Gentleman, this offseason will be long, summery, and relaxing….. but not for you.  Ultimately, I believe the most important thing is that you do not have any fun.  You’ve lost your fun privilages, so get ready to work hard.

In the short term, before I do my analysis and give you each your summer homework assignments, please use this time to watch the Stanley Cup Finals.  I assume at least a few of those teams are good.  You might accidentally learn something.


15 Responses to “The Assignments”

  1. 1 kathee15 April 13, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Kate, you know what helped me survive this season? I have had NO CABLE since November! I haven’t been able to watch, so I didn’t get all involved and moody, and thankfully, didn’t get depressed or elated based on the outcome of any games.

    That being said, I’d have rather watched a sucky season than no season at all, RIGHT?

  2. 2 Shauna April 13, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Hey Kate!

    Every morning I start my day with a coffee and your blog. You are SO ENTERTAINING! I’m not even a Sabres fan. I am however an Oilers fan – which is practically the same team in a different conference:P All you have to do is switch names and you could be an Oilers blog. Feel your pain! Anyway, thought I would finally drop you a line and thankyou for a great season of blogging – I actually know names of players on the Sabres team now! Before you, the Eastern Conference was dead to me.


  3. 3 mcguffers April 13, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    So I was watching a post game interview of Pommers, and he said that the Boston game was tough to prepare for because the games that don’t mean anything aren’t fun to play. Maybe this team needed to be eliminated a couple of months ago to really learn their lesson. Maybe they needed 30 “don’t mean anything” games to start treating the whole season like must win games.

  4. 4 Katebits April 13, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    kathee15, I believe you about your cable. I know that when I miss games because of my job, the losses really don’t effect me. You might be onto something here.

    Gaaaaaaasp! A slow starting round of applause?! My dreams have come true! Shauna, this might be the nicest comment ever. :D Thank you so much for reading a far away blog about a team you don’t follow. I have also felt a lot of solidarity with Oilers fans (except for that bit about your decade long dynasty…..that part is hard for me to comprehend. :P, and thank you for your super nice comment. You just made my day.

    mcguffers, I really think that without major changes, this team is totally headed for 30 meaningless games next year. Maybe we’ll get a chance to test your theory. :D

  5. 5 piece_of_etc April 13, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    reminds me disturbingly of how I felt in orch. rep. class….shudder

  6. 6 Katebits April 13, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Wow, I wasn’t thinking about it like that, piece_of_etc, but I can’t think of anything the Sabres need MORE than a harsh dose of orch rep class. I’m going to try to channel Lynne, and the Sabres are going to hate it. :D

  7. 7 Keller April 13, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    I’d like to suggest ‘Coaching Hockey for Dummies’ for Lindy Ruff. I understand MOST of this will be remedial…but perhaps he could concentrate on the chapter where you MOTIVATE PLAYERS and SPARK A TEAM.

  8. 8 Katebits April 13, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Keller, you’re not going to believe this, but…..

    If I had it to do over, Lindy might very well have gotten the “Coaching for Dummies” book, but back when I wrote that post I was still mostly an innocent.

  9. 9 Keller April 13, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    haha! Perhaps it comes with an audio CD with Ryan Miller delivering different incantations of term ‘the system’ from post game interviews.

    Did you see this from TBN:

    “The game may have been the final one for Ruff, as well. After failing to coach his team into the playoffs for the fifth time in seven seasons, Ruff’s job may be in jeopardy. “

  10. 10 Katebits April 13, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    HA! I would really like to get my hands on that CD…

    As for the quote, I’ll believe it when i see it, but I’ll admit, I’m reeeeeal curious about the “top to bottom” organizational review. I’m not sure I even care what happens at this point, but I want it to be big and dramatic, and I want the entire town to be in a crazed uproar all summer. If we can’t have playoffs, let’s at least have drama and intrigue.

  11. 11 Jonathan April 14, 2009 at 10:21 am

    The LQ’s Top to Bottom Review

    1. The LQ – Doing awesome job, deserves raise
    2. Dan Dipofi Not as awesome as The LQ, but doing good work
    3. Darcy Regier Wasting Tommy G’s money, which means he wastes my money, look for cheaper replacement.
    4. Lindy Ruff. Love the mustache, but losing with guys we are locked in with. Easier fire, then Jason Pominville.
    5. Players. Big waste of The LQ’s possible money. Bring in cheaper players.
    6. Steve the Janitor. Totally is stealing from The LQ. Call police.

  12. 12 Norm April 14, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I’ve got a strange feeling that Quinn’s promised “top to bottom review” will essentially be – all is good until the fans stop coming.

    The public version will be somewhat along the lines of “young team, still developing, needs a few tweaks to finish the job”.

    And we’ll all pull out our hair again next season.

  13. 13 danielleia April 14, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    “No, my plan is based on hard work, a manageable system, and using the long offseason to our advantage.”

    I think Ryan Miller is taking your advice. I don’t think he’s playing in the world champs. Take the rest! Unless he just does’t want to play against Lindy :)

  14. 14 Katebits April 14, 2009 at 11:26 pm


    Norm, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! They HAVE to do something. THEY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

    Danielleia, Crunchy has earned his rest by being consistently awesome this season. He totally needs to focus on building up those spindly ankles this summer

  15. 15 Norm April 15, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Katebits…….I’m in total agreement that they have to do SOMETHING.

    I’m just not holding my breath.

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