Hooray! The hockey season is FINALLY over, and now we can get down to the delightful task of trading away all of the old sucky Sabres, for NEW sucky Sabres! WOO!
I read something interesting on Kukla’s Korner today. John Madden is going to test the market on July 1st.
I want him!
Ew, gross! Not him!…..
…..HIM! (disclaimer: he’s only slightly less gross than the football John Madden)
Before you get all uppity and, “He’s old! He’s never been that productive! He’s on the decline!” I say to you, “I know, but gather ’round and listen to me.”
Seven reasons the Sabres should sign John Madden:
1. Have you EVER seen a Sabre look like John Madden looks in that picture? No. No, you have not. Because most of our players are little wusses. I like how beat-up John Madden is willing to get, and I like how he’s got a respectable playoff beard- like a man.
2. The Sabres are in desperate need of a leader, and John Madden seems like one of those “I REALLY WANT TO LEAD” eager-beaver types, like Briere was, only with credibility and a cranky disposition.
3. John Madden has won two Cups. Two. And a Selke. I used to poo-poo the idea that Cup experience is all that valuable, but then I watched two seasons of a team with zero Cup winners, coached by a guy with zero Cup wins and I changed my mind. The Sabres really need SOMEONE around who knows what it takes to win it all.
4. Here’s what Pookie said when I emailed her about him:
I think his leadership could be really good for a team like the Sabres. He’s a hard-ass and I suspect he has absolutely no qualms about telling younger players to shape up. I think he’d love to see himself as a Scott Stevens for a rudderless group.
We HAVE a rudderless group here in Buffalo!
5. Here’s the OTHER thing Pookie said:
You know what his biggest strength to you guys would be? Coach killing. He’s been a key player on a lot of classic coach killing teams!
Now, I know that most of you don’t want Lindy to be fired, but I feel strongly about this one. If Lindy comes back next year, and the Sabres are good, and they all start listening to him again, GREAT! Lindy’s an awesome dude, and super fun to have around, and it would ROCK if the Sabres stopped sucking. BUT. If Lindy comes back, and the Sabres still seem disorganized, disinterested, and all around sucky, SOMEONE needs to be fired, and that someone is usually the coach. One of the things I HATED about last season was that the players seemed to be coach killing, BUT THEY COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT. If coach killing is what we need, John Madden’s got the experience to get it done.
Hopefully we won’t need a coach killer next season, but if I have to watch another season of Derek Roy TRYING to kill Lindy and FAILING, I swear to LINDY RUFF I will lose my effing mind.
5. His nickname is Maddog. The only dog nickname the Sabres currently have is “Pommerdoodle.”
6. According to the Ookies, John Madden is totally humorless and his interviews are all-dour-all-the-time. Perfect. Hopefully he’s like that in practices, and on the team plane, and on the bench, and in the workout room, and in hotel rooms, and EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. The Sabres could really use a dour asshole around. They certainly responded to Chris Drury, didn’t they?
7. I really believe the Sabres HAVE to pick up a grizzled vet, and we could do a WHOLE lot worse than John Madden. (See: Guerin, Bill)
(Thank you to the Ookies, fabulous Devils fans, who obviously greatly influenced this post. By “influenced” I pretty much mean “told me all of this stuff, exactly”.)