Crazy Lady + Airplane = Bad News

Have you ever wondered what happens when there is a crazy person on your flight?  I can now tell you.

First the whole plane becomes aware of her during boarding.  She’s talking too loudly and too rudely about the very young flight attendant.

Then, the entire plane gets veeery nervous about her when she loudly and shrilly demands to know what the guy filling the gas tank is doing out there.  “HE’S BEEN OUT THERE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES.  WHAT IS HE DOING?!  HE DOES NOT LOOK HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING AT ALL.  NOW HE’S UNDER THE PLANE.  HE’S UNDER THE PLANE.”  Then, everyone pretends not to eavesdrop when the flight attendant comes over to try to calm her down.  Everyone is very very very very wary of this loud lady traveling alone.

She is trouble.  She is both belligerent and terrified.

Then, when the plane starts to pull out of the gate, the lady screams (yes, screams), and begins shouting and sobbing, “THAT PLANE IS COMING RIGHT AT US.  OH MY GOD.  WHY WOULD THEY PARK HERE!  Oh MY GOD.  I”M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OFF THIS FLIGHT.  I’M GOING TO DIE.  I KNOW IT.  I CAN’T DO THIS.  I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS FLIGHT.”

This is when the flight attendant (who really does look too young to be doing this job) begins to look very nervous, and she leaps out of her seat and gets on a little phone, presumably to the cockpit.  There is a long phone conversation while the crazy lady is being loud, and those of us near her are trying to calm her down and everyone else on the flight is silently willing the plane to stop.

Please don’t put us in the air with this lunatic.

Then, after about twenty minutes the plane begins to move back towards the gate.   Some people groan, but most of us are relieved.  The crazy scared lady begins to complain that the flight attendant is over reacting and that if she had any idea how to do her job this wouldn’t be happening.  “I’VE BEEN UP SINCE FOUR AM!  I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.  THERE IS NO NEED TO STOP THE PLANE,” she screeches.  None of us argue with her because she is sobbing and the plane is already stopped and the wheels of airline justice are already in motion.  Why risk provoking her further?

Then, after another half hour, the foxy pilot comes back and first asks her what’s wrong, and when she starts bitching about how everyone is overreacting, he basically tells her to can it.  He informs her in a loud enough voice for those of us nearby to hear, that some people from inside the airport are coming to talk to her.  Innnnteresting, we all think.

Then, after another twenty minutes two cop cars pull up next to the plane and we all think, “Holy TOLEDO!  Are they going to arrest her?!” The crazy lady FINALLY begins to understand that she has freaked everyone out and caused a major delay, and that she might be in BIG TROUBS.  She stops bitching, and starts whining.

Then, finally, a very authoritative man, with a very calm demeanor walks smoothly through the plane, leans down to the woman and speaks very quietly, so that we cannot here what he says.  It becomes clear to us that this is his job.  Getting uncooperative and disruptive people off planes is this man’s job.  Specifically this.  He’s good at his job, because whatever he says to her works, and she stands up and leaves the plane without resistance.

Then she is gone, and the entire plane starts talking to each other about what a crazy loon she was, and OMG I’M SO GLAD WE DIDN’T TAKE OFF WITH HER IN THE PLANE.

Then we finally get home and we immediately write about it on our blogs, because although we have flown on many, many flights, we’ve never seen anything quite like that.

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17 Responses to “Crazy Lady + Airplane = Bad News”


  1. 1 Heather B. September 1, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    Awesome. Totally awesome.

  2. 2 sallypants September 1, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Welcome home!

    I don’t remember this, but I’ve been told that on the tiny airplane back from Disney World the crew allowed four-year-old me to get on the loudspeaker. I proceeded to happily declare, “This is plane is going to CRASH and we’re all going to DIE!” I WAS that crazy lady on your plane!

  3. 3 ms.conduct September 1, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    LOL You’re an excellent storyteller! Glad you made it home safe.

  4. 4 karen September 1, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Niiiiiiice. I sat next to a guy on a flight once who whispered, “I survived that one, I will survive this one. That was scary but I made it. This is scary but I will make it. I survived that one, I will survive this one. That was….” For. The. Entire. Flight. He didn’t even accept a snack or drink – just rocked a little and chanted under his breath. Thankfully, he was quiet enough to really only be annoying to me instead of the whole flight and I’m used to NYC and good at ignoring lunatics.

  5. 5 Schnookie September 1, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I am SO glad you survived a lunatic on your plane, Katebits! That is an amazing story! That’s pretty impressive that there are professional getters of crazy people off of planes. I wonder what kinds of behaviors those people demonstrate as kids to get steered by career counselors into that field.

  6. 6 Pookie September 1, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Wowza! That’s craziness! I am so glad getting crazy people off airplanes isn’t my job.

  7. 7 Mark B September 2, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Wow, crazy stuff! I almost thought you were joking at one point – you weren’t sitting next to her, were you?

  8. 8 Erin September 2, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    I like the screaming. That was my favorite part.

  9. 9 Katebits September 2, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I’m glad you guys enjoyed my tale of airplane loony-ness. Mark, I wasn’t sitting next to her, but I was in the row in front of her across the aisle. At one point I tried to reason with her. She was in the middle of screeching that “OMG THAT PLANE IS GOING TO HIT US” and she calmed down for, like, a nanosecond when I said, “No it’s not. You’re okay. The pilots know what they’re doing. You’re going to be alright,” but then she took a deep breath, looked me straight in the face and started squawking about how “I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OFF THIS PLANE. I”M GOING TO DIE. I’M GOING TO DIE.” She was a TERRIBLE combination of suuuuper scared and suuuuper belligerent. I turned around and decided to let the flight attendant deal with her after that. Crazy beeyotch.

    I imagine the vast majority of people scared to fly behave something like the man in Karen’s story. The fear is turned inward, and the person suffers (mostly) in silence. But not this lady. Oh no, not her.

  10. 10 SueInVirginia September 2, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Wow! Just wow!

  11. 11 Courtney S.F. September 2, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Holy crapsky. That crazy lady would have been enough to turn me into a crazy airplane lady. I wonder what they did with her when they got her off of the plane.

  12. 12 Katebits September 3, 2009 at 1:59 am

    Courtney, I thought of you actually. I was thinking, “If this lady starts puking, this might actually be Courtney’s worst flying nightmare. Worse than crashing.” :D

    I wonder what they did with her too. I don’t think her behavior was bad enough for legal action because it seemed mostly fueled by fear. On the other hand, there was a HEALTHY dose of innate obnoxiousness at play too, I suspect. It’s difficult to imagine them letting her on another flight. Maybe they drove her to the train station.

  13. 13 mcguffers September 3, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Hmmm. Were you the crazy lady, Kate? Because

    “THAT PLANE IS COMING RIGHT AT US. OH MY GOD. WHY WOULD THEY PARK HERE! Oh MY GOD. I”M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OFF THIS FLIGHT. I’M GOING TO DIE. I KNOW IT. I CAN’T DO THIS. I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS FLIGHT.”

    sounds familiar if you substitute some words:

    THE END OF THE SEASON IS COMING RIGHT AT US. OH MY GOD. WHY DO THE SABRES SUCK SO BAD?? OH MY GOD. I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE SEASON. I’M GOING TO DIE. I KNOW IT. I CAN’T DO THIS. I HAVE TO KILL LINDY RUFF.

  14. 14 Molly O September 3, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    that is f’ing hilarious. you make me laugh, out loud, kitty.

  15. 15 Katebits September 3, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Mucguffers, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And yeah, that does sound disturbingly familiar. Heh.

    Thanks, Molly!

  16. 16 Patty (in Dallas) September 4, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Wow! What a story. I’m also impressed with a guy that can whisper something to somebody that’s acting like that and make them stop acting like that. I’d like to meet that guy.

  17. 17 Jack September 6, 2009 at 2:03 am

    Yet another reason why I dislike flying.


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