Yesterday Heather tweeted a link to this Globe and Mail article about how the NHL teams with big budgets have much bigger scouting staffs than the on-a-shoe-string teams (like the Sabres).
The article is amusing for a few reasons. First of all, you get information like this:
By sending one scout to a game who is trained how to use a video camera, he can come back with a DVD that can be studied by several other Sabres scouts.
I know! They TRAIN professional hockey scouts to use a video camera! What kind of science fiction world are we living in? What is this, The Jetsons? SCOUTS with video cameras?! WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?!
And then there is this:
Regier said he has had inquiries from other teams about their system, but so far no one has adopted the model as completely as the Sabres.
I’m pretty sure those inquiries went like this:
Brian Burke: Darcy, I’m calling to inquirer about your new scouting department. That is biz-ONKERS, dude.
Darcy: Well, it’s really quite fascinating. You see, scientists have invented this crazy device that will record the things that happen at a game.
Brian Burke: ….You mean like a phonograph?
Darcy: Well kind of, but a phonograph is just a sound recording. With a video camera you can actually see the action too.
Brian Burke: Whoa whoa whoa. You are BLOWING my mind.
Darcy Regier: Do you want me to tell you more?
Brian Burke: No. Please slow down. This is too much to absorb. I don’t think I can take it. Just stop talking.
The article prompted Heather and I to have a goofy conversation on Twitter where I admitted that I’ve always imagined that the Sabres are actually sending soulless robots to do their scouting. I mean, with all the uproar about the Sabres using video technology instead of thinking, feeling human beings, there was only one logical assumption left to make:
Darcy Regier: Are you sure, robot? I mean, he appears to be a brain eating zombie….and a furry.
Darcy Regier: But….what about Evgeni Malkin? Shouldn’t I pick him before Drew Stafford?
Darcy Regier: Darn it. This robot is always getting jammed. (slams the robot on the head)
Robot: (whirring back to life) ….a.cord.ing.to.my.cal.cu.la.tions.Drew.Staff.ord.
Darcy: Okay, robot. If you say so! Stafford it is! I’ll pick Malkin in round two…
(I know, I know. The Sabres did NOT actually draft Staffy before Malkin.)
I think that’s enough nonsense for one day.
(Private message to the Sabres: The moral of the story is you should NEVER give me and Heather just a little information. That’s about the worst thing you could possible do. You should either explain how your video scouting works completely, or you shouldn’t say anything at all. As God is my witness, I will believe for the rest of my days that you’re sending Short Circuit to do your scouting.)