Like all Sabres fans, I’ve spent the better part of today wondering, “What went wrong? How did this happen?”
Before this series began, I didn’t know what to expect. This was my first experience with the fast pace of the playoffs, and even though the series outcome was ultimately disappointing, I think I learned a lot. For example, I can now definitively tell you, based on my experience as a fan, that getting knocked out of the first round of the playoffs BLOWS. I canNOT recommend that your team get eliminated by a division rival in the first round. No siree. If someone asks you if you’d like to see your team lose to the Bruins in round one, you should say, “NO,” loud and clear.
This might be confusing for some, so I’ve compiled a list of possible scenarios and suggestions for how you should react should any of these scenarios arise. Hopefully, if you follow these scripts, we can avoid this kind of devastating loss in the future.
Tim Connolly: Hey, Sabres fan! How would you feel about watching me skate around doing nothing for an entire playoff series?
You: BAD. PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.
Tim Connolly: What if, after it was all over, I told you I was comPLETEly healthy?
You: What? No! If you suck you better be hurt!
Tim Connolly: Nope!
You: No thanks, man.
Chara: Hello, Buffalo! I hear your babies are tender and delicious. I would like to eat them in front of you. Is this alright with you?
You: No, Chara. You may NOT eat our babies.
Lindy Ruff: I have a job for life!
Darcy Regier: It’s true, he does!
You: I’m not cool with this.
Lindy Ruff: And that’s why you’re BENCHED.
You: You can’t bench me.
Darcy: Yes he can. You…benched.
Lindy Ruff: And you know what else? Scoring goals is for weenies! CASE CLOSED!
You: I am 100% opposed to you right now.
Boychuk: I’m going to take out your best player.
You: ….Mike Grier?
Boychuk: NO NOT MIKE GRIER, THOMAS VANEK! I’m going to hobble Vanek. What do you think of that?
You: I am NOT IN FAVOR of that, you unbelievable bastard.
Jochen Hecht’s pinky: I am a delicate flower. Long and tapered. So pretty.
You: Are you required for playing hockey?
Jochen Hecht’s pinky: Surprisingly, yes.
You: Here. Take these steroids.
Thomas Vanek: I’m going to singlehandedly win this series for the Sabres!
You: Hell yeah you are! WOOO!
Thomas Vanek: ….unless I get hurt.
You: Are you going to get hurt?!
Thomas Vanek: Yeeeah. I am.
You: NO! BAD PLAN! THAT’S A BAD PLAN!
You: Uh, hi McCormick.
Torres: My name is Torres. I was good in Columbus. Darcy traded for me at the deadline.
You: Whatever, McCormick. Whatever.
Crunchy: Hey, fan. I think I’m going to shave my beard into a mustache.
You: That is a GREAT idea.
Crunchy: I know. But…I hate to tell you this, but my mustache won’t make the powerplay any better.
You: I find that hard to believe.
Crunchy: Believe it.
You: Well then, I think you should shave your facial hair into a shape that WILL make the powerplay better.
Crunchy: Good idea!
Derek Roy: Remember how we never gave up leads during the regular season?
Derek Roy: What if during the playoffs, we DID give up leads? Wouldn’t that be exciting?
You: No. Absolutely not. That would NOT be exciting. NO.
Derek Roy: So, we should give up leads then?
You: NO, DO NOT GIVE UP LEADS.
Derek Roy: I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, so I’m just going to go ahead and let the Bruins catch up.
You: NO. DO NOT DO THAT.
Derek Roy: Okay then. Giving up the lead, it is.
You: NO! NO! NO! NO! KEEP THE LEAD.
Derek Roy: Leads are lame. I hear you loud and clear.
*this is when you should strangle Derek Roy*
Hockey Gods: Would you rather miss the playoffs altogether, or watch the Sabres get creamed by a division rival?
You: I want them to make the playoffs.
Hockey Gods: Good call. Stay strong, Sabres fan.
You: Do I have any choice?
Hockey God: Nope.
I hope this helps, dear reader! Next year we’re going to have to work together to avoid getting knocked out in the first round. If we stick to the system, we can succeed (…next year).